The Queens View Affair Current Scene (Book X, Act X)


Last update: 2018-08-15 03:35:02

Jump to bottom
[Book X, Act VIII, Scene I. The Engine. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, SHOR and PAULINE are here, clinging onto the engine and screaming in as it skids inexorably towards a buffer stop that seems to be inexplicably spiky looking. The rail comes to an end in what appears to be an underground cavern.]
Pauline: We're all gonna die!
[The engine stops millimetres from the buffer and everyone breaths a huge sigh of relief.]
Pauline: [To Shor] You saved us! You saved us all!
Charlie: [Drenched in sweat and coal dust, finally releasing her grip on the brake] HE saved us?!
Pauline: [Not noticing the Charlie-fist-shaped dents in the brake lever] You're right, he did save us! What a hero!
Austin: No he did not, the Sarge saved us! [Tisks. Takes a look around. Pats his satchel absent mindedly]
Pats his satchel absent mindedly] Shor: Well I was sort of involved with the whole saving thing. [To Pauline] tracks?
Pauline: I did it myself. It's a great way to meet heroes.
[The train gives a minuscule lurch forward and taps the buffer, causing the entire thing to fly to pieces, sending everyone crashing to the ground.]
Charlie: [Picks herself off the ground creakily] Good riddance! What a dreadful train! [To Pauline] And you are an absurd woman! What if our colleague had not been able to reach you in time?!
Austin: [Nods in agreement with Charlie. To Pauline] And if it is such a good way to meet heroes, what have you done with all of the other heroes that you have met?
Dur: Do you really have to ask for all the lewd details?
Pauline: I don't know -- I've spent most of the last few years in hospitals recovering from horrific train related injuries!
Austin: [Satisfied] Well explains pretty much everything!
awa hame, have a good weekend
hospitals recovering from horrific train related injuries! Shor : Well, I'm glad I was able to spare you from a hospital visit this time. You know, there are easier, less painful ways to meet heroes. Just drop into any Perky Hero coffee shop and you meet loads!
Clint: Or just turn up at any autographing session with enough cash in hand!
Charlie: [Looking around confused and uncertain] Who are you people? Did you force me to take some illicit drug?!
Alice: I have a better question -- who are YOU people? Did you force me to take some illicit drug?!
Shor: [Sits up] I don't know who you lot are! The last thing I remember is..., actually I got nothing. We're we drinking?
Dur: [Sits up and straightens his glasses, looking around] Our surroundings suggest much more than a drink…
Clint: [Sits up, holding his head] Haw! Like I'd ever go and get drunk with you! Whoever you are.
Alice: You do seem more like the type to be sipping cold milk rather than vodka martinis!
Charlie: [Looks at Dur more closely] Do I know you? You seem familiar--or perhaps the sort of person I would know! [Excitedly] Oh, I must be a brainy sort!
Shor: [To Charlie] You also look familiar to me, but I've no idea why! In fact, I don't even remember why I'm dressed to kill in this sharp suit!
Clint: [Noting the dead look in Shor's eye] Off hand, I'd say you were always dressed to kill, in a manner of speaking. Though now that you mention it, a couple of you guys look familiar to me, too. And as passing acquaintances, I have to ask - does anyone have any aspirin? I have a killer hangover!
Alice: [To Charlie] I think I recognise you too -- [looks at Shor] and you, although I've no idea why your head is so small relative to the rest of your body. [Looks Clint up and down] Are you going to try and kill us?
Shor: [Flexes his arms] I'll stop him if he tries anything! [Looks around at all the paraphernalia, to Clint] Are all of these drugs yours?
Clint: [Answering Shor and Alice both] I don't think so. Maybe?
Alice: Surely at least some are his? [Points at Austin]
Shor: That would not surprise me at all! [Checks his pockets] Hmm, no ID.
Austin: They are all mine! Keep your hands off!
Charlie: [Edges away from Austin warily] Indeed, you may keep them! [Checks her pockets. To Shor] I have no identification, either! Just this [flashes a swipe card] and [nervously eyeing Austin and Clint] NO money whatsoever! None!
Alice: Yes, I... don't have any money either. I do have a USB drive, though.
Austin: No money? Well you are out of luck then! There's nothing for free around here.
Dur: Well, it appears I have some 'money' [Dur riffling through his pockets] and this strange silver key. What do you suppose it is too?
Shor: Hey, I've also got a USB key, and a swipe card! I wonder where and what it accesses? We should search the place for a computer or somewhere with a card reader!
Alice: Could there be something in this... [looks around with thinly veiled disgust] room? Under one of the beds or something?
Dur: Yeah, and let me know if you find something to eat! I'm starving!
Alice: Well, I'm not going to look under some filthy bed! Maybe one of them could do it? [Indicates Austin and Clint]
Austin: [To Alice] You are the one with no money, why don't you do it? What have you got to loose? [Looks around from where he is, for key holes/doors, swipe card readers]
Clint: [Pulls out a vial of some mysterious blue liquid] All I've got is a couple of these, whatever they are. [To Dur] Don't eat them!
So my tablet autocorrects "Dur" to "Dud" and "Shor" to "Shoe."
This never stops being hilarious!
Alice: [To Austin] You're the one who apparently has no self respect, maybe you should do it? [Points into a corner] Look! There's a metal briefcase!
Charlie: [Eagerly reaches for the briefcase] Oh, perhaps our identification cards are here!
Alice: I'm sure I'm very important!
[CHARLIE takes the briefcase, but it is locked.]
identification cards are here! Charlie: [Holds the briefcase. To Austin and Clint] One assumes one or both of you can pick a lock?
Dur: You know what they say about assuming!
What kind of lock is it? A key lock?
Alice: Of course not -- we don't even know who they are!
;; What kind of lock is it? A key lock?
Yes, and just a single one.
Clint: [Unsure how to boot the briefcase open.] You know what they say about assuming!
Dur: Maybe my key will work! [Tries to snatch the briefcase to try his key in the lock]
By the way, Clint will check to see if his gun is loaded, but only once he can do that without being seen. He's scary enough as it is without pulling out a gun to boot!
Shor: You look the type who has a keyring somewhere with a gazillion keys on it. Almost as many keys as you have pens in your shirt pocket!
Austin: Just try the key before adding it to your collection.
Will do! On Tue, 17 Jul 2018 at 10:59, Tom Henderson wrote:
Alice: He doesn't look important enough to have the key to a briefcase like that-
[She breaks off as DUR's key turns and opens the lock with a click. He opens the briefcase to reveal a large metal flask, about 24" long and 12" in diameter, complete with scary looking biohazard symbol.]
Alice: [Backing away] What the hell are you people up to?
Shor: You people? He's the one with the key, lady!
Austin: And the weapon of mass destruction! [Takes a closer look]
Alice: Don't you lady me, you... overblown waiter!
[Other than the symbol, the only other distinguishing mark on the flask is "Strabonis Industry".]
Alice: Strabonis? Anyone know what they do? Other than create weapons of mass destruction and cause amnesia in innocent people, that is!
Charlie: [Frowns] I do not know! [Hesitates] Or, at least, I think I do not! [Tries to shake the flask] Is there anything inside?
Austin: [Lights up a cigarette and blows some smoke rings at Charlie] Never heard of them, sweet cheeks.
Alice: [Covers her head] Don't shake the bomb, crazy lady!
[The flask neither explodes nor rattles.]
Alice: I think I need a cigarette to calm my nerves. [Turns to Austin and gets a face full of smoke] Ew. That's disgusting. Huh, I guess I don't smoke.
Austin: [Offers Alice a cigarette] First one's free [Winks at Alice]
Austin: [Offers Alice a cigarette] First one's free [Winks at Alice] Shor: [To Alice] Don't do it! They'll kill you, and worse, turn your wonderful white teeth yellow!
Alice: [Squirms away from Austin] Keep your filthy cancer sticks to yourself! [To Shor] What do you think is going on? [Smiles a smile so dazzlingly bright that the rest of the party momentarily consider donning some shades]
Charlie: [Covers her eyes and gasps] Your teeth! I think perhaps they are radioactive!
Austin: Psychoactive more like!
Shor: Apart from being slowly murdered through passive smoking? I'm not sure, but ha, it's certainly going to be a thrill finding out!
Austin: [To Shor] You could speed it up [Stands up and offers Shor a cigarette, then notices the clothes he is wearing] What the hell am I wearing? [Looks at his clothes in disgust] Is this some kind of pantomime or stage show? [Looks around for a worthy suit]
Alice: [Covers her mouth] Your clothes are quite disgusting.
[As AUSTIN searches in vain for a nice suit, ALICE sneaks a look at her teeth in a compact.]
Alice: Hey! These are truly luminous teeth! [Smiles at herself in the mirror] Teeth you can believe in, teeth you can trust, teeth that stand for the things that truly matter, like family values. Anyone who doesn't support teeth like these is almost certainly a threat to national security who needs re-education.
Clint: Not a funny one of if it is!
Does the flask slosh like it could have a liquid inside?
That is, does my mysterious blue vial seem like it could be a sample?
[Sadly for AUSTIN, it looks like he's stuck wearing the suit.]
Alice: If it's any consolation, your t-shirt is so tight it makes you look quite overweight.
;; Does the flask slosh like it could have a liquid inside?
;; That is, does my mysterious blue vial seem like it could be a sample?
No sound from the flask, but it could indeed be the same substance!
Hey guy, Aus isn't quite sure why, but he really wants to grab one of those vials from Clint and snort it down! ---------- Forwarded message --------- From: Conor Ryan Date: Wed, 18 Jul 2018 at 22:07 Subject: [qv] 10.01.048 To: Tom Henderson Cc: dom , Colin Dinan , Heather Goggans , , Tom Henderson , QV Logger
[Sadly for AUSTIN, it looks like he's stuck wearing the suit.]
Alice: If it's any consolation, your t-shirt is so tight it makes you look quite overweight.
;; Does the flask slosh like it could have a liquid inside?
;; That is, does my mysterious blue vial seem like it could be a sample?
No sound from the flask, but it could indeed be the same substance!
Austin: No, that's no consolation. [Stops looking for a suit and takes all of his clothes off]. Right, lets get this party started! [Tries to take a vial from Clint and snort it]
Shor: My God, have you never even heard of a stomach crunch!?
Austin: No, but I use condoms, so I'm pretty sure I don't have it. [Looks at Shor in disgust] You should look after yourself!
Ha! And so a new term was introduced to Queens View!
Alice: [To Clint] Don't let him touch you! I bet he has Stomach Crunch! Stop him!
Tom is probably still in bed!
[CLINT stands up and smashes AUSTIN in the face with the flask, splashing the party with blood and sending him staggering across the room and back against the wall, where he falls to the ground. The rest of the party look on in horror.]
Alice: Oh. My. God. We're all going to die here.
I love Stomach Crunch!! Rather fortunately, Aus is now back to normal. On Wed, 18 Jul 2018 at 22:08, Conor Ryan wrote:
;;; Does the flask slosh like it could have a liquid inside?
;;; That is, does my mysterious blue vial seem like it could be a sample?
;; No sound from the flask, but it could indeed be the same substance!
Hi Beautiful, Charlie's reaction to this, once she's got over the initial shock, will be to get between Clint and Aus, giving a rousing speech about how we must stick together, how the common people shouldn't fight with each other, we're not the enemy, etc. etc. all very rousing stuff, and then she can get back to normal! ---------- Forwarded message --------- From: Conor Ryan Date: Thu, 19 Jul 2018 at 06:43 Subject: [qv] 10.01.052 To: dom Cc: Colin Dinan , Tom Henderson , Heather Goggans , , TomHenderson , QV Logger
Ha! And so a new term was introduced to Queens View!
Alice: [To Clint] Don't let him touch you! I bet he has Stomach Crunch! Stop him!
Tom is probably still in bed!
[CLINT stands up and smashes AUSTIN in the face with the flask, splashing the party with blood and sending him staggering across the room and back against the wall, where he falls to the ground. The rest of the party look on in horror.]
Alice: Oh. My. God. We're all going to die here.
Hey guy, Shor's reaction to this should be to immediately grab Clint and subdue him. He will do this in almost a trance-like state as though some deep training has kicked in -- if he tries, he will be able to grab him in a headlock and will know that he can break his neck in an instant. If the others ask him not to (which I assume they will), he will come back to normal and barely even remember doing it. Have fun! ---------- Forwarded message --------- From: Conor Ryan Date: Thu, 19 Jul 2018 at 06:43 Subject: [qv] 10.01.052 To: dom Cc: Colin Dinan , Tom Henderson , Heather Goggans , , TomHenderson , QV Logger
Ha! And so a new term was introduced to Queens View!
Alice: [To Clint] Don't let him touch you! I bet he has Stomach Crunch! Stop him!
Tom is probably still in bed!
[CLINT stands up and smashes AUSTIN in the face with the flask, splashing the party with blood and sending him staggering across the room and back against the wall, where he falls to the ground. The rest of the party look on in horror.]
Alice: Oh. My. God. We're all going to die here.
;;; Tom is probably still in bed!
Shor: [Instinctively, rushes at Clint and attempts to kick him in the back of the knee, and grab him in a headlock as he falls backwards]
;; Tom is probably still in bed!
Charlie: [Rushes to insert herself between Clint and Austin] Stop, you must stop! We must work together to find our way out of this hellish place! [Raises a fist in the air and cries out] Resist! Unite! And so forth!
Oops, sent this just to conor
Crunch! Stop him!
; Tom is probably still in bed!
flask, splashing the party with blood and sending him staggering across the room and back against the wall, where he falls to the ground. The rest of the party look on in horror.
] Shor: [Instinctively, rushes at Clint and attempts to kick him in the back of the knee, and grab him in a headlock as he falls backwards]
Alice: [Watching as Shor grabs Clint and starts to choke him out] Stop! Stop! Stop all of this! I don't know who any of us are, but I'm pretty sure anyone with a suit this nice and teeth this shiny [flashes her dazzling smile, causing the others to blink in annoyance and temporary blindness] is quite unused to this sort of riff-raffery!
Shor: [Looks down at Clint in surprise] What the hell? Whats going on here? [Releases Clint]
Dur: Oh don’t try to feign innocence now! You completely just attacked one of us!
acked one of us! Alice: You totally went all psycho and hit an innocent man! [Looks at Clint, then Austin and then the flask] Okay, well, maybe not innocent, as he did hit him with a bomb, but still!
ttacked one of us! Charlie: Indeed, you were all most inappropriate! You will fare better if you follow my lead, as I am clearly the most level-headed and intelligent of all of us!
Clint: If anyone's going to snort my mysterious vial of blue liquid, it's going to be me, dammit! And I'd need to be in late-stage stomach crunch to do that!
Alice: Maybe you're all suffering from Stomach Crunch? And myself and [nods at Charlie] are doctors? I mean, we are the most well dressed. [Points at Dur] And he's some sort of geeky lab assistant? [Thinks for a moment] Endocrine system! Hydrocephalus! Priapism! Hey! I bet I am a doctor!
Clint: C'mon!  Lady doctors?  Next you're going to tell me that one of you thinks she should be in charge!
It's pretty painful by the sounds of it! On 19 July 2018 at 12:44, Conor Ryan wrote:
> ;;; Does the flask slosh like it could have a liquid inside?
> ;;; That is, does my mysterious blue vial seem like it could be a sample?
;;; No sound from the flask, but it could indeed be the same substance!
Austin: [Regains consciousness. To Clint] What the fuck did you do that for? You don't even know what it is! [Spits out some blood on to Clint]
Clint: No, but I know *whose* it is.  It's my mystery vial!  You want to snort something, try looking around the room for it.  Or ask her [gestures at Charlie] for some of her stash.
Austin: So how much do you want for it?
Clint: I'll let you know once I know what it is!
I'm going to have to buy a poison needle trap for my pockets, aren't
I?  =)
Alice: Oh my good heck! I'm quite certain that I'm not the sort of person who would ever be present for a ... narcotics deal! [Excitedly] Is that what this is?
;; I'm going to have to buy a poison needle trap for my pockets, aren't
I'd be surprised if you don't already have one!
Shor: And perhaps I'm a dashing secret service agent, sent to foil your drug deal! I am dressed the part! Hmmm, considering I just told you that, perhaps I'm not a very good one! Ha!
Austin: More likely that you are just trust funders looking for kicks, all Pretty Pony on the outside, but dead on the inside. [Casually check Maplin's nails and smirks] Trying to by some excitement!
Alice: And what does that make you? Some jittery mess with a sad tattoo hanging around in his underpants with a bunch of strangers trying to sell his [finger quotes] excitement?
Austin: Yes. [Pulls a wad of cash from his underpants] And it looks like I am pretty good at it.
Alice: [Looks at the wad, which is about 200 credits] Is that a lot?
Shor: Well, I've got about five thousand here, so either I'm really, really rich, or his excitement doesn't sell for a lot!
Austin: Nah, you're probably just a dealer too.
Alice: With that sort of surly attitude, I'm not surprised he's so cheap!
Charlie: And I have only 2000 credits, which must mean I am [gasps] middle class!
Alice: How unfortunate for you! [Takes out a wad of cash and counts it, before looking pale] A thousand! But I do have this USB drive -- I bet it has all sorts of important information on it!
Dur: I have some too [Counts out his 500 Credits], but surely most of my funds seem to be employed in pen collecting. Can I see the vial? Maybe I know what it is... It was my key that opened the briefcase after all.
funds seem to be employed in pen collecting. Can I see the vial? Maybe I know what it is... It was my key that opened the briefcase after all. Charlie: [Looks with pity at Dur and Alice, turning her attention to Shor] I think we seem to be of a similar class, so let us take command! [To the others] Quickly, see if you can find a computer so that we might examine the material on the USB drive!
Clint: Man, you guys are poor! Well, don't go expecting handouts! [Tosses Dur a vial] Careful now, four-eyes. You break it, you bought it!
Alice: Hey! He's the one who had the key to the bomb! Don't give him more of your filthy drugs!
Dur: I don't need drugs, I need food! [Dur inspects the vial and whatever is in the case to see if he recognizes either]
[The case didn't contain anything other than the flask, and the vial doesn't seem familiar.]
Alice: So what do we do? No one seems to know who they are, and no one has ID. Unless.... [looks around] maybe one of you is lying?
whatever is in the case to see if he recognizes either] Charlie: I am certainly not lying, though some of the criminal elements [nods discreetly at Clint and Austin] could well be!
Are there exits in the room?
;; Are there exits in the room?
Austin: [Searches the room, for illegal substances and valuables] I have no need to lie, I just do it for fun!
Alice: Another lie, no doubt!
[AUSTIN expertly searches through the room and doesn't reveal anything of interest, except a single doorway.]
Shor: Aha, an exit! [Shor attempts to open the door]
Austin: [To Shor] After you.
[Just as SHOR reaches towards the door the party hear some gunshots from outside it.]
Alice: [Cowering on one of the beds, covering her ears] We're all going to die!
to die! Charlie: [In a loud whisper] Take cover! And arm yourselves! [Grabs a dirty fork off the floor and holds it with a shaking hand]
Shor: [Grabs a syringe in each hand and stands at the door]
Alice: I'll grab this bedside table! [Huffs and puffs as she fails to move it even a tiny bit]
[More shooting from outside, then silence.]
Alice: Oh! I see what's going on!
Dur: Well, maybe you could enlighten the rest of us?
Alice: It's the legs you see -- the bedside table is actually nailed to the floor!
[Another shot rings out.]
Alice: Although, that doesn't really help us much in our current situation, does it?
Clint: No one panic! [Pulls out a handgun and quickly checks to make sure it's loaded.]
sure it's loaded.] Charlie: [Brandishing the fork at Clint] Are you robbing us?!
Austin: [To Clint] Ready? [Opens the door just enough to peek outside]
Clint: [To Charlie] Nah. You don't seem to have much worth taking anyway!
Assuming he actually has bullets, Clint will nod to Austin and
take a position by the door.
[CLINT expertly pops out the magazine and verifies that it is fully loaded, before slotting it back in again. AUSTIN slowly pulls the door in only for someone to crash through it onto the floor. This is RANIEL DADCLIFFE, a man in his mid twenties who appears to have horns, and who has several gunshot wounds.]
Raniel: They've found you!

RanielDadcliffe

Clint: "They" have, have they? [To the group] Is anyone a doctor?
Heather is afk today
Charlie: I certainly have the confidence and gravitas to be one, but my main reaction to this man is morbid fascination with his wounds, not to mention mild disgust as his horns, so I suspect my expertise lays elsewhere. Alice: [To Ratcliffe] Who are you? Who are "they"? [Looks around] And them! Who are these guys? Ratcliffe: [Fading fast] The key.... the key...
Austin: [Alarmed] Who are they? And for that matter, who are we?
His name isn't Ratcliffe, it's RANIEL! Sorry about that!
Alice: What key? Raniel: You need to ... to make the key...
Shor: My God man, do we look like a metallurgical craft group to you? How would we make a key?
Austin: Perhaps we are the key. I'm clearly incredibly important, and people are dying for me. Probably fairly usual. And why else would I be this beautiful? [Looks at himself in amazement]
Alice: Oh please, you're not that attractive, except maybe in a cheap, androgynous kind of way, a bit of rough while one's husband is away on a business trip, who might be worth a hundred credits or so.... [Shakes her head] Ahem! [Looks at her hand] Hey! I'm a married woman, you know! Keep it in your pants, Mister! [To Raniel] Are we the key? Or do we have to make it? Raniel: You have to make it! You need to ... [passes out]
On Tue 24 Jul 2018, 03:03 Conor Ryan, wrote: Shor: We need to what? [Gives Raniel a big shake] Hey, wake up!
Austin: [Searches Raniel] Fat lot of use he was!
Charlie: Agreed, as if we needed to be further confused! [Hesitates] Though I do love a good mystery, so it is rather thrilling! [Looks at the others] Have any of you a key or key-related materials? [Searches her own pockets]
Austin: Perhaps the Vial and the flask are some part of the key? Maybe we pour the vial into the flask and shake it?
Alice: Or maybe that's what causes the bomb to explode? [Frowns as Austin searches] So... who shot this guy?
Charlie: [Boldly] I shall investigate! [Attempts to peer outside the door]
Alice: Careful! Maybe "they" are outside!
[CHARLIE pushes the door open and the party can see that there is another large room that has been somewhat shot up. There are two bodies at the entrance.]
Shor: More bodies! I'll check them out. [Goes over to the two bodies and will begin searching]
[SHOR heads to the bodies and quickly pockets two guns, as he begins to search through their pockets.]
Alice: Hey! How come you get the guns?
Dur: Ummmmm.... finders keepers?
FYI, I will be out on vacation the next 3 days!
;; FYI, I will be out on vacation the next 3 days!
Have fun :)
Austin: [Searches around. To Shor] Are those still loaded?
They are! ---------- Forwarded message --------- From: dom Date: Tue, 24 Jul 2018 at 09:25 Subject: [qv] 10.01.111 To: Day, Kevin R (Irving) USA Cc: Conor Ryan , Colin Dinan , Heather Goggans ,Tom Henderson , Tom Henderson , QV Logger
;; FYI, I will be out on vacation the next 3 days!
Have fun :)
Austin: [Searches around. To Shor] Are those still loaded?
Shor: Loaded and ready for any trouble!
[SHOR finds some ID cards that holds up to the party. Both men appear to belong to an organisation called "Central Services".]
Alice: Central Services? Anyone recognise the name?
Charlie: No, but it sounds like a top-secret governmental agency! How thrilling! [To Shor, holding out a hand] Here, you had best let me have a gun, given that I am the most sensible member of this group.
Shor: Ha, I like your spirit! Do you know how to use one?
Alice: You know what's a good way to see if someone should be able to have a gun? If they say they want to have a gun, they probably should be allowed have one!
Austin: [Taking cover] I hope so!
Shor: That seems logical. I mean, why would somebody who didn't want a gun be given a gun!
Austin: [Shrugs, then nods at Shor] What next?
;awa oot
Charlie: [To Shor, enthusiastically] Oh, I almost certainly know how to use one. It seems quite rudimentary [makes a gun out of her hand and demonstrates, complete with irritating sounds effects], in any case!
Clint: Well, that rules out giving *her* a weapon!  [Eyes Dur, and shakes his head.] And he's clearly not getting one.  Give it to the drug addict [gestures at Austin.] There's no way that could end badly!
Alice: [Dives to the ground upon hearing the scary shooting of Charlie] Holy Joe Almighty! Get that gun off her! [Realises that it's just her finger, and gets up, dusting off her clothes, embarrassed] Er, yes, the drug dealer with the bad tattoo dressed only in his disgustingly stained and suspiciously small underpants is almost certainly more trustworthy than this... soccer mom!
Alice: [Dives to the ground upon hearing the scary shooting of Shor: Yeah, I think I'm going to hold onto them both for now.
Alice: [Looks around this new room, which looks like some over the top New Age place, filled with over priced mystical crystals and the like] What is this place? I think I prefer the drug room!
Charlie: [Looks around the room disapprovingly] It appears to be a refuge for the deeply naive and easily led! [Eagerly exploring] Do you see anything that looks like a key? Or something that could be crafted into such?
Alice: [Looks around the shelves] It all looks like a bunch of baloney to me. Energy crystals, healing crystals, sacred crystals, crystal crystals.
Dom is afk
Austin: [Behind the counter and rifling through the cash register] At least they seem to be making some money! [Pockets the cash] Alice: Oh my god. Let's get out of here!
;; Dom is afk
Clint: Now that we've got their money, sure, why not? Something I bet the owner of this place says all the time!
Shor: [Gestures towards the bodies] I thought this crystal nonsense was supposed to soothe, not enrage!
Alice: [Picks one up and reads the description] "Angel Aura Quartz creates a bubble of peace, tranquility and positive energy around you to help you release stress. It carries an uplifting, spiritual energy that heals your aura and brings energetic health. This rainbow point watches over you like a guardian from the universe, protecting your aura and bringing positivity into your energy field." [Sighs] I don't know, it certainly makes me feel more enraged!
Yes, this is such a thing! And yes, I'm frankly shocked at the lack of faith
you people seem to have in the healing power of crystals!!
Charlie: [To Alice] You sound more sensible than I initially thought! Perhaps you should be given a gun, after all! [To Shor] And, while we are on the subject, surely it is more in the spirit of cooperation and teamwork to give me your SECOND gun?
Alice: Yeah! Girl power and all that! Hand over your weapons now!
Clint: Giving a gun to a person who doesn't know how to use one is silly.  You're liable to shoot yourself in the foot or, more importantly by far, to shoot me in the foot!  [Eyes Alice.] But if she knows how to use one, you might as well give one to her. Otherwise it's just nag nag nag until you eventually just do it anyway!
Alice: Don't worry, sweet cheeks. If I shoot you, it won't be in the foot.
Charlie: [Indignantly] And where is MY gun? [Puts her hand out to Shor]
Colin is afk today
Shor: [Pockets the gun] I don't know.
Charlie: [Glares at Shor] I see. Perhaps we should move on?
Are there exits in this room?
Alice: [Also glares at Shor] Compensating for something? Shor: [Smiles a cold, dead eyed smile as he caresses the bulge in his pocket] It makes me feel like more of a man!
;; Are there exits in this room?
Yes, what appears to be a door leading out to the street. It is dark outside
but there are lots of lights and cars driving by
Clint: I really hope that bulge in your pocket is the gun!  [Heads for the door.]
[Book X, Act X, Scene II. A Busy Street. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and SHOR are here, having stepped out of "Crystal's Crystals", onto a busy street. The place is a blaze of neon and dodgy looking strip joints and bars, and the street is jammed with cars zooming by at speed.]
Alice: Oh man! Where are we supposed to go?
Charlie: [Wrinkles her nose as she surveys the area] What a dreadful place! Not a single book store in sight! Perhaps we could go to a bar to question some of the locals, and ascertain more about this place and our situation?
Alice: Or maybe some of those drug addled prostitutes on the corner? [To Austin] Maybe you know them? Austin: [Looks over] Probably.
[Austin salvages what good clothes he can from the bodies. And returns to Alice]
Alice: [Looks him up and down] Marginally better.
Clint: So, let's go hit up the nearest drug-addled prostitute for information! [Looks around for one with a more or less full complement of teeth]
information! [Looks around for one with a more or less full complement of teeth] Charlie: [To Clint] Very well, but I really should do the talking. I have a way with people, I suspect!
Clint: Oh yeah, you're a real pearl! Question away!
Austin: [To Charlie] You're suspect alright.
Alice: I guess she has the most experience with hookers!
[The party approach an almost-toothless hooker, WINDY DAY, who turns and glares at them.]
Windy: What the hell do you want? [Suddenly gives a huge smile, showing off her three good and four not-so-good teeth] Austin! I heard you'd been killed!

WindyDay

Charlie: [To Windy, excited] You know this man? What is his name, and why did you believe he had been killed?
Windy: Why, sure, honey. This here is Austin Barracuda. He's got the most viciousiest mouth in all of Londoninnit. I haven't seen you for a few days -- I figured those weirdoes in the masks had got you.
Good morning all! I have returned! Catching up on work today! Someone kill me!
Charlie: [Excited] And you know me, as well? My name is [finger quotes] honey? [Dismayed] Do not tell me I am also a [delicately] lady of the evening?!
Welcome back, Kevin! Hope you survive! : D
Windy: [Confused] Is it? And... uh, okay, I won't. Alice: [Titters] Honey! Windy: [Does a double take on Alice] You've got some neck showing your face in Londoninnit! You're nothing but a lying, scumbag bitch!
[ALICE is momentarily taken aback at these scurrilous allegations.]
Alice: [Magically putting her blindingly bright smile back on] But my name isn't Honey!
Dur: Do you happen to know who we all are? Or just those with shady reputations?
Windy: Austin doesn't have a shady reputation -- he's one of us. That liar, though, yeah. Everyone knows who she is. [Nods at Clint] Everyone in Londoninnit knows who Clint Dingo is ... [looks down] er, no disrespect, Mr. Dingo. Alice: So I'm famous? [Turns her smile up to 11] How glamorous!
Shor: Do you know me?
Austin: You wish! I think you are going to need to work on your pitch.
Windy: For 200 credits, baby, I'll know you!
Windy: For 200 credits, baby, I'll know you! Shor: [Peels off 200 credits] Tell you what, for 200 credits, tell me about the people you do know, and why!
Windy: [Takes the notes and shoves them down the front of her shirt] Sure thing, baby! Austin Barracuda, he works the streets here, [points to Clint] Clint Dingo, he's, er, a local boss. Oh, and Alice Armadillo, she the spokesperson for the Beloved Leader, she's always on TV telling lies about how great he is and how much better our lives are even though we're stuck in the shithole. I'm just surprised you all haven't been killed by an angry mob yet, hanging out with the likes of her.
Clint: [Regards Charlie] See the benefits of listening to someone else!
about Charlie: [Glares at Clint, irked. To Windy] Thank you for your assistance, fallen woman! Could you tell us more about this Beloved Leader--his guiding principles, his aims, and so forth?
Windy: You're kidding, right? Oh! I see, you're cops! You're trying to incriminate me so I get sent to a re-education camp! Alice: [Raises her eyebrows] In your case, I think it would probably have to be an education camp. Windy: Help! Help! Narcs!
Austin: [Panics] Help! Narcs! [Sides with Windy]
Charlie: [To Austin, gasping] Traitor! [To the others] Hurry, let us get away from this unruly person! [Looks for a bar to duck into]
Alice: Oh please! [Addresses the growing bunch of people who are gathering around them, all of whom look like either thugs, hookers or drug addicts, or, as in many cases, a disturbing combination of all three] We are not [finger quotes] narcs, we are here to help people build a better future. One where we can all live together in harmony.
[Everyone's attention is drawn to a giant screen on the side of a building that has, until this point, been showing ads for a selection of useless products. ALICE appears on the screen with a news ticker running along the bottom and a logo at the top of "UNN". The ticker reads "Beloved Leader Spokesperson Says Londoninnit should be razed to the ground".]
Alice: [The TV version] Londoninnit is populated by thugs, hookers or drug addicts, or, as in many cases, a disturbing combination of all three. We are not here to help these people build a better future or one where we can live together in harmony! Oh no, they are sub human! Alice: [The real version] Uh... [to the party] that looks a bit like me, doesn't it? Is that me?
Austin: [To Charlie] Honey? What are you talking about? Windy knows me better than I know any of you! [Backs off]
Windy: That's right, stick with me, Austin. Come on, let's go down here. [Points to a dark alleyway behind the party.] Alice: [Getting worried as people start to close in] Er, maybe that is me. I'm sure this is all a misunderstanding.
[The party spot a bunch of men wearing scary looking unicorn masks waiting in the alleyway.]

Maskedmen

Windy: [Gives a secret-but-clumsy nod to the men] Come on, Aus, you'll be safe with Windy.

Shor: Those masks sure would come in handy, what with Ms Compassion here being a tv star!
Dur: Would they be as useful as, say, getting the hell outta here!
Shor: The two don't have to be mutually exclusive! Let's get those masks, and then get the hell out of here, in disguise
Alice: So... it IS me on the screen? Oh holy Joe! Can this get any worse?
[The scary mask guys all draw weapons. There are at least eight of them. Just then a large van pulls up and the side door opens, revealing a bunch of heavily armed men wearing balaclavas. Although the gathering crowd starts to run, the UNICORN MASKS look set to fight.]
Alice: Gulp!
Clint: I hate to agree with Honey or encourage her delusions of leadership, but now would be a great time to be somewhere else! [Ducks through the nearest door]
leadership, but now would be a great time to be somewhere else! [Ducks through the nearest door] Charlie: [Delighted] Indeed, I think we can all agree with the scary crime lord that I am the clear choice for leadership! [Follows Clint]
[CLINT and CHARLIE burst in the door, followed quickly by the rest of the party. They crash into an even seedier looking room than they woke up in, much to the surprise of a man inside, TUCOWS, who leaps up from snorting a line of ants.]
Tucows: What the hell? [Pulls out a gun] I know you didn't just burst in my door!

Tucows

Clint: [Points at Charlie] It was her idea!
Dur: Would it make any difference if we only did it to escape a very dangerous situation?!
Clint: [Points at Charlie] It was her idea! Tucows: [Looks at Charlie before addressing Dur] That would make it worse! Bringing a senator into my house! [Does a double take on Clint] Oh! Mr. Dingo, sir! I didn't see you there. Come in! Come in! [Peers out into the street where there's now a massive shoot out going on] Hm.
Clint: I'm having a trying morning, friend. [Nods at Alice and Charlie] You can see why! We'll just slip on out the back, if you don't mind.
Tucows: Ah, a good old fashioned kidnapping, eh? Good for you! [Points to another door] That'll let you out the back, Mr. Dingo, sir.
Shor: You mentioned a senator! What senator?
Tucows: [Going through the door and leading the party through a hallway] Senator Caribou -- [points at Charlie] her! Alice: Oh! No wonder people didn't like us -- what with her being a tool of the er, man, and all.
Austin: Honey Caribou? Sounds like a barbecue recipe.
Tucows: No, it's Charlotte Caribou, although she calls herself Charlie, as though having a friendly name makes her less awful.
Shor: Well, it certainly helps explain the superior, bossy air, anyway!
Charlie: [Delighted] How wonderful, my name isn't Honey! [To Shor, nodding] Indeed, I felt certain I was a much higher quality sort of person than the rest of you! Class will tell, you know.
Alice: What? What will it tell?
Austin: You may have been a "much higher quality sort of person" at some point, but you clearly spend a lot of time with prostitutes, gangsters and drug dealers. Which one are you?
Alice: Ew! I certainly hope not a prostitute. That's just disgusting.
Charlie: [To Austin] Perhaps I was gathering all of you for a photo opportunity to illustrate the sorts of dodgy characters my campaign is decidedly against? Voters love that sort of thing!
Dur: I still have no idea who I am though! Judging by all these pens, maybe some kind of writer?
Shor: Perhaps you're writing Charlotte's memoirs.
Alice: And you did have that bomb -- maybe you're into Science and Stuff? You know, a virgin who came to this seedy place to lose his virginity? [Looks him up and down] And failed.
Clint: Well that's just not right! C'mon, kid, let's go get you laid.
Shor: [Peels off 200 credits and offers it to Dur] There you go, seize the day, and all that! And so what if she's missing most of her teeth!
Alice: He probably only needs a hundred, I mean [nods at Austin] he seems cheap, doesn't he?
Austin: You seem to like it cheap [Winks at Alice]
Alice: Never trust a winker.
Austin: Do you trust anyone? [Looks surprised]
Charlie: [To Alice and Austin] If you two are quite through with your disturbing flirtation, let us move on! I have important powers to wield and a government to run!
Alice: [To Austin] No, but some less than others. [To Charlie] So... do we work together? If so, what are we doing in this awful place? With these awful people? [Looks at her watch] At this awful time? [Peers out a window] In this awful weather? [Checks out her reflection in the mirror and smiles so brightly everyone flinches at the brightness of the reflection] And with this dazzling smile?
Dur: Well it certainly seems like we were working together BEFORE losing our collective memories, it may have been something important.
Alice: Maybe what we were doing caused us to lose our memories?
Shor: We may have also been working against each other, and it all came to a dramatic head in that room, before we somehow all passed out. I mean, what do a senator, a propaganda talking head on television with an incredible smile, a man ho, an underworld gang leader, a virgin scientist and a super spy have in common?
o a dramatic head in that room, before we somehow all passed out. I mean, w= hat do a senator, a propaganda talking head on television with an incredibl= e smile, a man ho, an underworld gang Alice: Wait, are you the man ho or the virgin?
Shor: [Tuts and shakes his head] Obviously neither. Let's get out of here!
Austin: My guess is man ho or male stripper. Does that suit have Velcro seams?
Clint: I know what they have in common! They all lie for a living and will do anything for a credit!
will do anything for a credit! Charlie: [Shakes her head] That cannot be it. I am a trusted--and no doubt beloved--public official who works only to serve the common good with no thought of profit!
Clint: [Scoffing] You're a senator, honey, not the local librarian. I suspect you and your bodyguard and propaganda minister and boy toy and accountant came to me to pay me off for some reason!
Alice: Wait a minute, are you the hooker or the gang guy? Tucows: Hey! This is Clint Dingo -- he's no hooker.
Austin: [To Alice] I'm the dam hooker, have some respect, please!
Alice: Perhaps if you didn't wantonly use such profanity I might have some for you. Might.
[The shooting out the front suddenly gets closer and someone has clearly entered the house.]
Tucows: Quickly! We better get out the back!
Charlie: [Nods approvingly] It is best to take pride in your work, no matter how degrading it is!
Alice: [As the party moves towards the back of the house] Yes, I suppose not everyone can be as devoted to public service and loved as much as me! [Spots a dartboard with her face on it] Hey! Tucows: Er, it was Joemas present! They were the hot item last year!
Shor: How could anyone even see enough to aim at it? Even the teeth in the photo are blinding!
be just another dart board with a stabable picture on it. You guys surely remember how it was the most sought after gift of the season? At least, until there were so many injuries.
Austin: Let's go before we're added to the list! [Takes the darts out of the dart board as he leaves]
Shor: [To Alice] Let's hope you got some royalties out of that! If not, you're probably owed a fortune! I wonder how many pub tvs were destroyed by drunk darts players when you were on the air?
Alice: Further evidence, as if it were needed, that commoners shouldn't have TVs in pubs. Or pubs!
[The party burst out the back door into a trashy looking back street.]
Alice: Where will we go?
Clint: The last place they'd think to look for us - somewhere classy!  [Looks around optimistically.]
Alice: Then let's go to my house!
Austin: [Looking smug.] That is a fantastic oppor... idea. Genius idea!
Alice: Excellent! [Thinks] Uh... where is it?
Charlie: Perhaps we could go to your place of work and ask them?
Alice: Great idea! [Pause] Where's that? Tucows: Unicorn City, of course! What's going on with you guys? Are you all suffering from... what's that word? I can't remember?
Dur: Sounds like you are afflicted with it then, my friend! Good luck with that!
Tucows: Yeah, and good luck getting back to Unicorn City, [sneers] my friend.
Austin: Is it really, really difficult?
Tucows: Not for them [points to Alice and Charlie] but the rest of you better have some secret weapon. ;;; Colin is out today

Shor: Like a huge bribe?

Tucows: [Eyes light up] Yes I would!
Clint: Would a cunning disguise do the trick?
Austin : It probably would. I'll have to think of one for you. [Deep in thought]
Tucows: Unless you can disguise yourself as one of those two women, you're probably out of luck.

Alice: [Smiles her dazzling smile, causing everyone to flinch from the glare] It certainly won't be me. His teeth are way too yellow. Those ones that he still has. That are in his mouth.
Austin: She could wear an extra flouncy dress and we could hide underneath?
Alice: That's a great idea! I just know I'm the kind of girl who always wears flouncy underwear and such! [Takes a quick peak down the front of her skirt and frowns] Hm. Must be laundry day.
Shor: There must be some other disguises available! We could draw a moustache and beard and glasses on?
Charlie: [Discreetly checks her underwear and gasps] One could hide several hams in those elaborate flounces! [Muses] It must be some sort of government-issued undergarment. It certainly is not the sort of thing a sensible, high-powered leader would wear.
Alice: [Jealously regards Charlie] You mean like the one she has?
Charlie: [To Alice, helpfully] Your use of the pronoun [finger quotes] one is so confusing in that sentence, we do not understand what you mean! Try rephrasing! [To Shor] Perhaps those of you less famous could pretend to be my obsequious, overworked staffers!
Shor: I'd potentially agree, if I knew what obsequious meant. Or overworked, for that matter!
Alice: [To Charlie] You are one bitch. Clear enough for you? [To Shor] Overworked are what people like me are, no doubt trying to make life better for the likes of the rest of you!
Clint: While people like me don't do a job at all and manage to make our lives better without you!
Alice: I'm sure that's why the likes of aren't allowed into [to Tucows] what's the place called again?

Tucows: Unicorn City.

Alice: [To Clint] Yeah!
Clint: And here I thought it was the system trying to keep honest, hard-working entrepreneurs such as myself down!
Alice: Goodbye.
Alice: Goodbye.
Alice: Not at all. It's all about keeping honest, hard-working point one percenters like us up. We don't want to put you people down, we just want to be above you. A rising tide lifts all boats, Joecare for all!
Shor: Sounds to me like someone is getting their memory back!
Austin: Perhaps we should get moving before she remembers everything and has us all shot!
Alice: Don't be ridiculous, I would never order anyone shot! Now, I'm sure that the Beloved Leader may occasionally recommend a vigorous relocation of a bullet into some soft tissue of a Prob, but that's entirely different!
[The shoot from outside dies down.]
Tucows: Uh oh! That's not good!
Austin: I have an odd feeling that I am late for my multiple personality group therapy. It's at 11am [Looks for a clock. Sighs] I'll just have to talk amongst my-selves until I get there.
Tucows: Tell yourselves that whoever won that gun battle is about to come in here and shoot at least some of you!

Alice: Even me?

Tucows: Look, lady, it's only because of Clint that I haven't shot you!

Alice: Well, that's just rude.
Austin: It sounds very respectful to me! [Looks around] Is there a back door or window?
Shor: [Draws his two guns] Bring them on! I prefer a straight shootout to all this sneaking around! I think.
Tucows: There's a back door! [To Shor] Not in my house you don't -- my Mom will be back soon and she'll be mad if the place is shot up again!
Charlie: [To Shor, pulling him to the back door] And perhaps you prefer sneaking around, after all! More experimentation is required before you can be sure, so let's start now!
Alice: Does that mean he should shoot or sneak?

Tucows: Sneak! [Checks his watch] Mom should be here by now. She hates when there's a bunch of gangster stuff going on!
Dur: I'm starting to hate it too! Do you maybe have a map we can borrow?
Austin: Perhaps your mother stopped the gangsters from fighting?
Tucows: [Looks terrified] I hope not! [To Dur] Sure, but it's a map of Snively Land. [Hands him a map] It's been closed for ten years, ever since space mountain caught on fire due to pollution.
Shor: [Reluctantly puts his guns away] Wouldn't want to upset your mother!
[Enter MAMA TUCOWS, a scary looking woman, dragging one of the men in a unicorn mask in by the ear.]

Mama: Algernon Mary Tucows, there had better not be any gunplay going on in here!
Tucows: No, Mama, honest!
[She clips him hard across the ear.]

Mama: Don't you lie to me, boy!

MamaTucows

Clint: [Edging toward the door] No guns, ma'am, just providing shelter for some passing strangers. A fine young man! But now that the violence has stopped, we best be moving on. Thank you for your kind hospitality.
for some passing strangers. A fine young man! But now that the violence has stopped, we best be moving on. Thank you for your kind hospitality. Charlie: Oh, indeed! Most appreciated! [Looks at the masked unicorn man. To Mama Tucows] Has he been, er, naughty? Would you like for us to see him out for you?
Mama: [Clips Clint across the head] Don't you lie to me, Dingo! I knew you when you were a young pup tradin' baby giraffes for Jingle Jangle! [Glares at Charlie] I'd like to see you bein' hanged! Right to work my ass! [Grabs a rolling pin]
[Enter MAMA TUCOWS, a scary looking woman, dragging one of the men in a unicorn mask in by the ear.]

Mama: Algernon Mary Tucows, there had better not be any gunplay going on in here!

Tucows: No, Mama, honest!
[She clips him hard across the ear.]

Mama: Don't you lie to me, boy!

MamaTucows

[Enter MAMA TUCOWS, a scary looking woman, dragging one of the men in a unicorn mask in by the ear.]
Mama: Algernon Mary Tucows, there had better not be any gunplay going on in here! Tucows: No, Mama, honest!
[She clips him hard across the ear.]
Mama: Don't you lie to me, boy!

MamaTucows

Charlie: [Primly] You are addressing a Senior Member of the BLP, madam! You might show a little respect. After all, we are fighting to keep everything great!
Mama: Out! All of you out!
Dur: I think we should listen to her, Senator, I think she means business!
Shor: I agree completely! A mad mother is a thing to avoid!
Alice: We will not stand for being pushed around like this!
[MAMA moves in menacingly.]
Alice: Quickly! Out the back!
Dur: [Panicking] Holy Joe, run away! Retreat! [Makes for the back door]
Austin: My mother is soo much nicer! She really appreciates how super I am! [Walks out of the back door]
Clint: [To the party men] So are we really determined to get into Unicorn City and to stick with those two [indicates Alice and Charlie] rather than doing the sensible thing and abandoning them at the earliest opportunity? Because I think I might know a guy who knows a guy who can help.
Charlie: [Nervously eyeing Mama, joins the others in exiting] Yes, no doubt I have terribly important City Council business to attend to!
Shor: Go go go!
[The party race out through the back door and out onto the street.]
Mama: [Clipping Tucows across the ear again] What did I tell you about high level political operatives? Tucows: [Cringing in terror as he grabs his ear] No high level political operatives in the house after 6PM!
End of scene, next one coming right up
[Book X, Act X, Scene III. A Dingy Back Street in Londoninnit. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and SHOR are here, racing away from MAMA TUCOWS. The street is filthy and covered in trash and drug paraphernalia, with all sorts of disgusting lowlifes eyeing the party aggressively.]
Alice: Oh Holy Joe! This just gets worse and worse!
[A huge black car starts racing down the street towards the party, causing the lowlifes to scatter as it zooms towards them.]
Clint: Now there's a metaphor for you! The man running over the little guy just to get what it wants! [ To Alice and Charlie] I assume that's yours?
Alice: I'm quite sure it's mine. I almost certainly have a security team that protects me. [Nervously steps behind Shor, just in case, eyeing the oncoming car]
Shor: Holy Joe, its Gun time! [Takes his guns out and aims at the car]
Charlie: [To Shor] Do be careful! These could well be my beleaguered staffers, rushing to my aid--or even simply loyal BLP voters!
Clint: You think you have supporters in *this* neighborhood?  Have you been getting into the drugs when I wasn't looking?  [Checks to be sure she hasn't - we can always sell those later!]
Alice: Oh. BLP? So not the BBLP, then? How very.... unsurprising.
[The car skids to a halt sideways, so that the driver's door faces the party. The window glides down to reveal the driver, BIERCE PROSNAN, a devastatingly handsome man in a tux, holding a vodka martini. He looks the party up and down before taking a sip.]
Bierce: Shor Flamingo. I hardly recognised you without a martini in your hand.

Prosnan,Bierce Prosnan

Shor: [Still aiming the guns] You recognise me?
Austin: [To Shor] Is that your man? So you go for the daddies!
Bierce: [Sipping his cocktail] I certainly do, old man. You told me that if you hadn't checked in by 9PM I should come looking for you in that Crystal Shop. The absence of a check in coupled with the shoot out and subsequent massacre suggested that things didn't quite go according to plan. [Looks Austin up and down] You could do better.
Charlie: Splendid! And you no doubt know me, your faithful government representative, and should like to rescue me?! That is, all of us, of course!
Shor: The Crystal Shop? I really don't remember that! What do I do, apart from wear tuxedo's and quaff martinis?
Austin: [To Shor] Yep, you are pretty NonJoe alright! [Sighs and admires his own beautiful arms]
Alice: Didn't we just come from the Crystal Shop? Isn't that where we woke up?

Bierce: [To Charlie] I certainly do know you, Senator Caribou, Shor here is your bodyguard. [Nods to a bunch of guys coming out the back of Mama's house] Perhaps we should continue this conversation in the car?
Shor: [Aghast] I work for the senator? I must keep you safe, mam! [Grabs Charlie and bundles her into the back of the car, using himself as a shield]
woke up? Charlie: Oh, now I understand! [To Shor] You are clearly carrying some of my money for me, making me the wealthiest person here. Now, [gives her hand to Shor] escort me to the car, if you would.
Alice: [Dismayed] How come I don't have a goon? Surely I'm more important than her!

Bierce: You had a crack team of elite bodyguards, sworn to protect you under any circumstances.

Alice: Where are they?

Bierce: Their charred remains are in your burnt out car two streets over. It was destroyed with a car bomb, then shot up and then had a large piano dropped on it.

Alice: Why would anyone want to do that to my bodyguards?
Dur: Perhaps they had a strong hatred against the make and model of the car and your bodyguards were just collateral damage?
Alice: [Thinks for a moment] Yes, that must be it. A clear hatred against that fine, precision engineering. [Gets into the car and addresses Bierce] Do you know why we're in Londoninnit?

Bierce: No, but it must be something hugely important.
car and your bodyguards were just collateral damage? Charlie: [Being bundled away by Shor, delighted] Well done, Flamingo! [Calls back to the others] Do hurry into the car so we may flee this violent place at once!
Dur: [To Bierce as he gets into the car] You don't happen to remember me, do you?
Bierce: I'm afraid not. Perhaps I stole your lunch money some time? Or slept with the girl that you fancied?
Austin: We'll leave that one with you to mull over, sweet cheeks! [Gets into the car, tutting] Senator, you really must get a nicer set of wheels if you care going to take me on road trips! I am not used to slumming in it jalopies like this!
Charlie: [To Austin, exasperated] Holy Joe! One cannot waste taxpayer money on such frivolities!
Alice: Honestly, the gall of these people! Do you think we have credits to burn? [Opens up a mini fridge and takes out some cocktails]
Shor: Don't you dare light that, you'll pit the senators health at risk! Plus yellow your teeth!
Alice: Oh please, you think that these are .... I mean, yes, yes of course. Ahem. I'm sure I don't smoke. It must be the amnesia! Ew! Filthy thing! [Takes a long, delicious sniff of it] It should be thrown away. I mean, how did I even know it was there in the first place and [points out the window] gasp! Look at that! [Pockets the cigar]
Clint: I'll take one! I don't mind the risks. To me or her.
Shor: And I know exactly where ill stick it, still lighting, if you try! No one harms the senator!
No one harms the senator! Charlie: [Smiles approvingly at Shor] Thank you, Flamingo! [In a low voice, putting a hand delicately to her ear] And do see if you can get that woman [gestures to Alice] to lower her voice.
Clint: Remind me - is there some reason you people think I take orders from you? Given where we were when we met, you obviously came to me. I'll stick with you long enough to solve the mystery of what's going on here, but no more. Now, are we going to Unicorn City? If so, perhaps some of us [looks to himself, Dur, and Austin] should get in the back way. I doubt you people should be seen with me any more than I should be seen with you!
Alice: Given where we met, maybe you kidnapped us! I have a USB stick, maybe there's a hint on that?
Shor: I have one also. [To Bierce] Let's get out of here! First stop, somewhere with a computer!
Bierce: [Reversing up the street at a hundred miles an hour] Shor, you wound me. [Does a handbrake turn and spins the car around so it is facing the right direction] Surely you know I would never travel without such a device?
somewhere with a computer! Charlie: Excellent suggestion, Flamingo! [Excited] How thrilling! I do hope we shall have to uncover many clues and solve fiendishly clever puzzles!
Austin: [To Beirce] Where is you computer? [Looks around the car. Sighs] Your ride is so NonJoe! I suppose I'll just have to make do.
Bierce: [Looks at Austin in the mirror] Oh please. Like you've ever been in a car like this when you weren't giving a blowjob to someone. There's a laptop in the compartment beside you.
Shor: Holy Joe Bierce, eyes on the road! Not looking where you're going could definitely harm the senator! [Looks for the laptop]
[SHOR pulls out a laptop and opens it. It displays "Laptop Locked. Retina Scan Required".]
Austin: [To Bierce] My clients have far superior transport. This is no time to get all jealous, honey pie.
Bierce: Sure they do.

Alice: This is no time for your jealous nonsense and showing off! I bet this is my laptop! [Grabs it and looks into the camera]

Laptop: Access Denied.

Alice: That's so nonJoe! [Petulantly slams it shut]
Heather is afk


Charlie: Let me try. [Opens it and peers at the camera. The laptop unlocks]
Shor: [Sighs and holds the laptop screen towards Bierce] Perhaps a very quick, safe glance at the retina scanner, when we stop at the next red light?
Austin: [Sees the laptop] Holy Joe! Look at the size of that thing, Who did you buy that from? Eddie Flintstone?
Clint: I'm sure it was taxpayer money wisely spent...
Charlie: [Excitedly] Oh, perhaps it is government issue, as you suggest! Let me try! [Reaches for the laptop]
Shor: [Hands the laptop to Charlie] There you go senator, careful now, those edges are precariously sharp!
[CHARLIE looks in the camera and the laptop unlocks.]
As it did back post #35!!!
Alice: Surely there is some regulation about bringing government issued equipment to Londoninnit?
;; As it did back post #35!!!
Austin: It would probably require a retinal scan and a security escort?
;;; As it did back post #35!!!
Sorry, missed it in my comings and goings!
Charlie: [Delighted] Marvelous, let us examine those USB sticks!
Alice: [Sticks hers in and looks at the contents; there are two video files, one called "Alice" and the other "Contents"] Huh, I wonder what it is. [Double clicks

"Alice: and it starts up. It is a video of Alice talking directly to the camera
]

AliceCamera: Alice, if you're watching this, it means you have lost your memory. Whatever happens, do not watch these videos with anybody else. [Gives a dazzling smile at the camera and the video ends]

Alice: [To the party] Wow. [Thinks] I really do have a fabulous smile, don't I?
Austin: We should watch the other videos!
Clint: What do you think the odds are it's her homemade pork?
Shor: You think it's a cooking video? It's all a bit elaborate just to store videos of her secret pork recipe, isn't it?
Clint: These things are sensitive!
I really, really hate autocorrect some times.
This is not one of them, because this is magnificent!
;; I really, really hate autocorrect some times.
;; This is not one of them, because this is magnificent!
Austin: Never underestimate the Joe of the pork!
a perfect auto correct!
Alice: You people disgust me! I would never have any pork related material on my laptop. And besides, you saw the trustworthy lady in the video, she said not to watch the other video with anyone else. I believe her!
Austin: I think that she was using reverse psychology, asking you not to do it to get you to do it. She's clearly pretty smart, and with a smile like that what could possibly go wrong?
Charlie: [Nods eagerly] Oh, indeed! All of the evidence suggests we should all watch the video at once! [Excited] Perhaps she will share a secret family recipe for *jam=C3=B3n ib=C3=A9rico de bellota*!
d all watch the video at once! [Excited] Perhaps she will share a secret fa= mily recipe for jam=C3=B3n ib=C3=A9rico de bellota! Alice: Hm... maybe. [Glares at Charlie] I don't know what that is, but it sounds foreign!
Shor: Well, are you going to watch the video? If not, I'll try my USB drive.
Dur: Yeah, turn it on and let’s get some popcorn! This could be good by Joe!
ood by Joe! Alice: Okay, okay, I'll try. [Double clicks the icon and a password dialog box pops up] Huh, what's the password?
Clint: Try "password". You never know!
Alice: Okay. [Tries "password", "1234" and all the usual suspects] That's not great.
Heather is afk


Charlie: Curious. Why would you put a password on something that you only intended to need access to if you lost your memory?
;; Heather is afk
Austin: Perhaps a poorly thought through plan? Or the password is something really obvious? [Looks at the USB key to see if there is anything written on it]
Alice: That seems highly unlikely. [Holds the USB key up and all that is written on it is "USB"] Yes, I will try that. [It fails]
Austin: How about 'Alice', or 'pork' or 'ham'?
Shor: Holy Joe, but this is frustrating!
Austin: Or 'Holy Joe' or 'Joe'? [Thinks hard] "Joe Joe"?
Alice: Maybe! [Tries them all, but to no avail.]

Charlie: Let's think this through. You need a password to access the video and you set it knowing that you would lose your memory. Given that we knew nothing when we came to, it surely isn't something like Joe or some common name? I mean, she didn't even know her name was Alice until a while ago!
Shor: What about something like white teeth, dazzling smile, dentists delight?
Clint: Or "Iforgotmypassword" or something like that?
Dur: Or maybe it is confirming your own instructions, like "I'm Alone" or something?
[All of these are tested and rejected by the computer with a fairly obnoxious "Wah wah".]
Bierce: [Getting annoyed at the constant Wah wahing] Perhaps it is written down somewhere?
Austin: [Rolls his eye] Keep up Be-arse! I already suggested that. [To Alice] Perhaps you just leave it blank, or type 'blank'.
Alice: That doesn't seem like a very secure password. [Tries both]

Laptop: Wah waaaaaah!

Bierse: [Mildly amused at Austin's tetchiness] Perhaps it is written down somewhere?
Did Austin really suggest that???