The Queens View Affair Current Scene (Book X, Act X)

Last update: 2019-06-21 07:20:01

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[Book X, Act VIII, Scene I. The Engine. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, SHOR and PAULINE are here, clinging onto the engine and screaming in as it skids inexorably towards a buffer stop that seems to be inexplicably spiky looking. The rail comes to an end in what appears to be an underground cavern.]
Pauline: We're all gonna die!
[The engine stops millimetres from the buffer and everyone breaths a huge sigh of relief.]
Pauline: [To Shor] You saved us! You saved us all!
Charlie: [Drenched in sweat and coal dust, finally releasing her grip on the brake] HE saved us?!
Pauline: [Not noticing the Charlie-fist-shaped dents in the brake lever] You're right, he did save us! What a hero!
Austin: No he did not, the Sarge saved us! [Tisks. Takes a look around. Pats his satchel absent mindedly]
Pats his satchel absent mindedly] Shor: Well I was sort of involved with the whole saving thing. [To Pauline] tracks?
Pauline: I did it myself. It's a great way to meet heroes.
[The train gives a minuscule lurch forward and taps the buffer, causing the entire thing to fly to pieces, sending everyone crashing to the ground.]
Charlie: [Picks herself off the ground creakily] Good riddance! What a dreadful train! [To Pauline] And you are an absurd woman! What if our colleague had not been able to reach you in time?!
Austin: [Nods in agreement with Charlie. To Pauline] And if it is such a good way to meet heroes, what have you done with all of the other heroes that you have met?
Dur: Do you really have to ask for all the lewd details?
Pauline: I don't know -- I've spent most of the last few years in hospitals recovering from horrific train related injuries!
Austin: [Satisfied] Well explains pretty much everything!
awa hame, have a good weekend
hospitals recovering from horrific train related injuries! Shor : Well, I'm glad I was able to spare you from a hospital visit this time. You know, there are easier, less painful ways to meet heroes. Just drop into any Perky Hero coffee shop and you meet loads!
Clint: Or just turn up at any autographing session with enough cash in hand!
Charlie: [Looking around confused and uncertain] Who are you people? Did you force me to take some illicit drug?!
Alice: I have a better question -- who are YOU people? Did you force me to take some illicit drug?!
Shor: [Sits up] I don't know who you lot are! The last thing I remember is..., actually I got nothing. We're we drinking?
Dur: [Sits up and straightens his glasses, looking around] Our surroundings suggest much more than a drink…
Clint: [Sits up, holding his head] Haw! Like I'd ever go and get drunk with you! Whoever you are.
Alice: You do seem more like the type to be sipping cold milk rather than vodka martinis!
Charlie: [Looks at Dur more closely] Do I know you? You seem familiar--or perhaps the sort of person I would know! [Excitedly] Oh, I must be a brainy sort!
Shor: [To Charlie] You also look familiar to me, but I've no idea why! In fact, I don't even remember why I'm dressed to kill in this sharp suit!
Clint: [Noting the dead look in Shor's eye] Off hand, I'd say you were always dressed to kill, in a manner of speaking. Though now that you mention it, a couple of you guys look familiar to me, too. And as passing acquaintances, I have to ask - does anyone have any aspirin? I have a killer hangover!
Alice: [To Charlie] I think I recognise you too -- [looks at Shor] and you, although I've no idea why your head is so small relative to the rest of your body. [Looks Clint up and down] Are you going to try and kill us?
Shor: [Flexes his arms] I'll stop him if he tries anything! [Looks around at all the paraphernalia, to Clint] Are all of these drugs yours?
Clint: [Answering Shor and Alice both] I don't think so. Maybe?
Alice: Surely at least some are his? [Points at Austin]
Shor: That would not surprise me at all! [Checks his pockets] Hmm, no ID.
Austin: They are all mine! Keep your hands off!
Charlie: [Edges away from Austin warily] Indeed, you may keep them! [Checks her pockets. To Shor] I have no identification, either! Just this [flashes a swipe card] and [nervously eyeing Austin and Clint] NO money whatsoever! None!
Alice: Yes, I... don't have any money either. I do have a USB drive, though.
Austin: No money? Well you are out of luck then! There's nothing for free around here.
Dur: Well, it appears I have some 'money' [Dur riffling through his pockets] and this strange silver key. What do you suppose it is too?
Shor: Hey, I've also got a USB key, and a swipe card! I wonder where and what it accesses? We should search the place for a computer or somewhere with a card reader!
Alice: Could there be something in this... [looks around with thinly veiled disgust] room? Under one of the beds or something?
Dur: Yeah, and let me know if you find something to eat! I'm starving!
Alice: Well, I'm not going to look under some filthy bed! Maybe one of them could do it? [Indicates Austin and Clint]
Austin: [To Alice] You are the one with no money, why don't you do it? What have you got to loose? [Looks around from where he is, for key holes/doors, swipe card readers]
Clint: [Pulls out a vial of some mysterious blue liquid] All I've got is a couple of these, whatever they are. [To Dur] Don't eat them!
So my tablet autocorrects "Dur" to "Dud" and "Shor" to "Shoe."
This never stops being hilarious!
Alice: [To Austin] You're the one who apparently has no self respect, maybe you should do it? [Points into a corner] Look! There's a metal briefcase!
Charlie: [Eagerly reaches for the briefcase] Oh, perhaps our identification cards are here!
Alice: I'm sure I'm very important!
[CHARLIE takes the briefcase, but it is locked.]
identification cards are here! Charlie: [Holds the briefcase. To Austin and Clint] One assumes one or both of you can pick a lock?
Dur: You know what they say about assuming!
What kind of lock is it? A key lock?
Alice: Of course not -- we don't even know who they are!
;; What kind of lock is it? A key lock?
Yes, and just a single one.
Clint: [Unsure how to boot the briefcase open.] You know what they say about assuming!
Dur: Maybe my key will work! [Tries to snatch the briefcase to try his key in the lock]
By the way, Clint will check to see if his gun is loaded, but only once he can do that without being seen. He's scary enough as it is without pulling out a gun to boot!
Shor: You look the type who has a keyring somewhere with a gazillion keys on it. Almost as many keys as you have pens in your shirt pocket!
Austin: Just try the key before adding it to your collection.
Will do! On Tue, 17 Jul 2018 at 10:59, Tom Henderson wrote:
Alice: He doesn't look important enough to have the key to a briefcase like that-
[She breaks off as DUR's key turns and opens the lock with a click. He opens the briefcase to reveal a large metal flask, about 24" long and 12" in diameter, complete with scary looking biohazard symbol.]
Alice: [Backing away] What the hell are you people up to?
Shor: You people? He's the one with the key, lady!
Austin: And the weapon of mass destruction! [Takes a closer look]
Alice: Don't you lady me, you... overblown waiter!
[Other than the symbol, the only other distinguishing mark on the flask is "Strabonis Industry".]
Alice: Strabonis? Anyone know what they do? Other than create weapons of mass destruction and cause amnesia in innocent people, that is!
Charlie: [Frowns] I do not know! [Hesitates] Or, at least, I think I do not! [Tries to shake the flask] Is there anything inside?
Austin: [Lights up a cigarette and blows some smoke rings at Charlie] Never heard of them, sweet cheeks.
Alice: [Covers her head] Don't shake the bomb, crazy lady!
[The flask neither explodes nor rattles.]
Alice: I think I need a cigarette to calm my nerves. [Turns to Austin and gets a face full of smoke] Ew. That's disgusting. Huh, I guess I don't smoke.
Austin: [Offers Alice a cigarette] First one's free [Winks at Alice]
Austin: [Offers Alice a cigarette] First one's free [Winks at Alice] Shor: [To Alice] Don't do it! They'll kill you, and worse, turn your wonderful white teeth yellow!
Alice: [Squirms away from Austin] Keep your filthy cancer sticks to yourself! [To Shor] What do you think is going on? [Smiles a smile so dazzlingly bright that the rest of the party momentarily consider donning some shades]
Charlie: [Covers her eyes and gasps] Your teeth! I think perhaps they are radioactive!
Austin: Psychoactive more like!
Shor: Apart from being slowly murdered through passive smoking? I'm not sure, but ha, it's certainly going to be a thrill finding out!
Austin: [To Shor] You could speed it up [Stands up and offers Shor a cigarette, then notices the clothes he is wearing] What the hell am I wearing? [Looks at his clothes in disgust] Is this some kind of pantomime or stage show? [Looks around for a worthy suit]
Alice: [Covers her mouth] Your clothes are quite disgusting.
[As AUSTIN searches in vain for a nice suit, ALICE sneaks a look at her teeth in a compact.]
Alice: Hey! These are truly luminous teeth! [Smiles at herself in the mirror] Teeth you can believe in, teeth you can trust, teeth that stand for the things that truly matter, like family values. Anyone who doesn't support teeth like these is almost certainly a threat to national security who needs re-education.
Clint: Not a funny one of if it is!
Does the flask slosh like it could have a liquid inside?
That is, does my mysterious blue vial seem like it could be a sample?
[Sadly for AUSTIN, it looks like he's stuck wearing the suit.]
Alice: If it's any consolation, your t-shirt is so tight it makes you look quite overweight.
;; Does the flask slosh like it could have a liquid inside?
;; That is, does my mysterious blue vial seem like it could be a sample?
No sound from the flask, but it could indeed be the same substance!
Hey guy, Aus isn't quite sure why, but he really wants to grab one of those vials from Clint and snort it down! ---------- Forwarded message --------- From: Conor Ryan Date: Wed, 18 Jul 2018 at 22:07 Subject: [qv] 10.01.048 To: Tom Henderson Cc: dom , Colin Dinan , Heather Goggans , , Tom Henderson , QV Logger
[Sadly for AUSTIN, it looks like he's stuck wearing the suit.]
Alice: If it's any consolation, your t-shirt is so tight it makes you look quite overweight.
;; Does the flask slosh like it could have a liquid inside?
;; That is, does my mysterious blue vial seem like it could be a sample?
No sound from the flask, but it could indeed be the same substance!
Austin: No, that's no consolation. [Stops looking for a suit and takes all of his clothes off]. Right, lets get this party started! [Tries to take a vial from Clint and snort it]
Shor: My God, have you never even heard of a stomach crunch!?
Austin: No, but I use condoms, so I'm pretty sure I don't have it. [Looks at Shor in disgust] You should look after yourself!
Ha! And so a new term was introduced to Queens View!
Alice: [To Clint] Don't let him touch you! I bet he has Stomach Crunch! Stop him!
Tom is probably still in bed!
[CLINT stands up and smashes AUSTIN in the face with the flask, splashing the party with blood and sending him staggering across the room and back against the wall, where he falls to the ground. The rest of the party look on in horror.]
Alice: Oh. My. God. We're all going to die here.
I love Stomach Crunch!! Rather fortunately, Aus is now back to normal. On Wed, 18 Jul 2018 at 22:08, Conor Ryan wrote:
;;; Does the flask slosh like it could have a liquid inside?
;;; That is, does my mysterious blue vial seem like it could be a sample?
;; No sound from the flask, but it could indeed be the same substance!
Ha! And so a new term was introduced to Queens View!
Alice: [To Clint] Don't let him touch you! I bet he has Stomach Crunch! Stop him!
Tom is probably still in bed!
[CLINT stands up and smashes AUSTIN in the face with the flask, splashing the party with blood and sending him staggering across the room and back against the wall, where he falls to the ground. The rest of the party look on in horror.]
Alice: Oh. My. God. We're all going to die here.
Ha! And so a new term was introduced to Queens View!
Alice: [To Clint] Don't let him touch you! I bet he has Stomach Crunch! Stop him!
Tom is probably still in bed!
[CLINT stands up and smashes AUSTIN in the face with the flask, splashing the party with blood and sending him staggering across the room and back against the wall, where he falls to the ground. The rest of the party look on in horror.]
Alice: Oh. My. God. We're all going to die here.
;;; Tom is probably still in bed!
Shor: [Instinctively, rushes at Clint and attempts to kick him in the back of the knee, and grab him in a headlock as he falls backwards]
;; Tom is probably still in bed!
Charlie: [Rushes to insert herself between Clint and Austin] Stop, you must stop! We must work together to find our way out of this hellish place! [Raises a fist in the air and cries out] Resist! Unite! And so forth!
Oops, sent this just to conor
Crunch! Stop him!
; Tom is probably still in bed!
flask, splashing the party with blood and sending him staggering across the room and back against the wall, where he falls to the ground. The rest of the party look on in horror.
] Shor: [Instinctively, rushes at Clint and attempts to kick him in the back of the knee, and grab him in a headlock as he falls backwards]
Alice: [Watching as Shor grabs Clint and starts to choke him out] Stop! Stop! Stop all of this! I don't know who any of us are, but I'm pretty sure anyone with a suit this nice and teeth this shiny [flashes her dazzling smile, causing the others to blink in annoyance and temporary blindness] is quite unused to this sort of riff-raffery!
Shor: [Looks down at Clint in surprise] What the hell? Whats going on here? [Releases Clint]
Dur: Oh don’t try to feign innocence now! You completely just attacked one of us!
acked one of us! Alice: You totally went all psycho and hit an innocent man! [Looks at Clint, then Austin and then the flask] Okay, well, maybe not innocent, as he did hit him with a bomb, but still!
ttacked one of us! Charlie: Indeed, you were all most inappropriate! You will fare better if you follow my lead, as I am clearly the most level-headed and intelligent of all of us!
Clint: If anyone's going to snort my mysterious vial of blue liquid, it's going to be me, dammit! And I'd need to be in late-stage stomach crunch to do that!
Alice: Maybe you're all suffering from Stomach Crunch? And myself and [nods at Charlie] are doctors? I mean, we are the most well dressed. [Points at Dur] And he's some sort of geeky lab assistant? [Thinks for a moment] Endocrine system! Hydrocephalus! Priapism! Hey! I bet I am a doctor!
Clint: C'mon!  Lady doctors?  Next you're going to tell me that one of you thinks she should be in charge!
It's pretty painful by the sounds of it! On 19 July 2018 at 12:44, Conor Ryan wrote:
> ;;; Does the flask slosh like it could have a liquid inside?
> ;;; That is, does my mysterious blue vial seem like it could be a sample?
;;; No sound from the flask, but it could indeed be the same substance!
Austin: [Regains consciousness. To Clint] What the fuck did you do that for? You don't even know what it is! [Spits out some blood on to Clint]
Clint: No, but I know *whose* it is.  It's my mystery vial!  You want to snort something, try looking around the room for it.  Or ask her [gestures at Charlie] for some of her stash.
Austin: So how much do you want for it?
Clint: I'll let you know once I know what it is!
I'm going to have to buy a poison needle trap for my pockets, aren't
I?  =)
Alice: Oh my good heck! I'm quite certain that I'm not the sort of person who would ever be present for a ... narcotics deal! [Excitedly] Is that what this is?
;; I'm going to have to buy a poison needle trap for my pockets, aren't
I'd be surprised if you don't already have one!
Shor: And perhaps I'm a dashing secret service agent, sent to foil your drug deal! I am dressed the part! Hmmm, considering I just told you that, perhaps I'm not a very good one! Ha!
Austin: More likely that you are just trust funders looking for kicks, all Pretty Pony on the outside, but dead on the inside. [Casually check Maplin's nails and smirks] Trying to by some excitement!
Alice: And what does that make you? Some jittery mess with a sad tattoo hanging around in his underpants with a bunch of strangers trying to sell his [finger quotes] excitement?
Austin: Yes. [Pulls a wad of cash from his underpants] And it looks like I am pretty good at it.
Alice: [Looks at the wad, which is about 200 credits] Is that a lot?
Shor: Well, I've got about five thousand here, so either I'm really, really rich, or his excitement doesn't sell for a lot!
Austin: Nah, you're probably just a dealer too.
Alice: With that sort of surly attitude, I'm not surprised he's so cheap!
Charlie: And I have only 2000 credits, which must mean I am [gasps] middle class!
Alice: How unfortunate for you! [Takes out a wad of cash and counts it, before looking pale] A thousand! But I do have this USB drive -- I bet it has all sorts of important information on it!
Dur: I have some too [Counts out his 500 Credits], but surely most of my funds seem to be employed in pen collecting. Can I see the vial? Maybe I know what it is... It was my key that opened the briefcase after all.
funds seem to be employed in pen collecting. Can I see the vial? Maybe I know what it is... It was my key that opened the briefcase after all. Charlie: [Looks with pity at Dur and Alice, turning her attention to Shor] I think we seem to be of a similar class, so let us take command! [To the others] Quickly, see if you can find a computer so that we might examine the material on the USB drive!
Clint: Man, you guys are poor! Well, don't go expecting handouts! [Tosses Dur a vial] Careful now, four-eyes. You break it, you bought it!
Alice: Hey! He's the one who had the key to the bomb! Don't give him more of your filthy drugs!
Dur: I don't need drugs, I need food! [Dur inspects the vial and whatever is in the case to see if he recognizes either]
[The case didn't contain anything other than the flask, and the vial doesn't seem familiar.]
Alice: So what do we do? No one seems to know who they are, and no one has ID. Unless.... [looks around] maybe one of you is lying?
whatever is in the case to see if he recognizes either] Charlie: I am certainly not lying, though some of the criminal elements [nods discreetly at Clint and Austin] could well be!
Are there exits in the room?
;; Are there exits in the room?
Austin: [Searches the room, for illegal substances and valuables] I have no need to lie, I just do it for fun!
Alice: Another lie, no doubt!
[AUSTIN expertly searches through the room and doesn't reveal anything of interest, except a single doorway.]
Shor: Aha, an exit! [Shor attempts to open the door]
Austin: [To Shor] After you.
[Just as SHOR reaches towards the door the party hear some gunshots from outside it.]
Alice: [Cowering on one of the beds, covering her ears] We're all going to die!
to die! Charlie: [In a loud whisper] Take cover! And arm yourselves! [Grabs a dirty fork off the floor and holds it with a shaking hand]
Shor: [Grabs a syringe in each hand and stands at the door]
Alice: I'll grab this bedside table! [Huffs and puffs as she fails to move it even a tiny bit]
[More shooting from outside, then silence.]
Alice: Oh! I see what's going on!
Dur: Well, maybe you could enlighten the rest of us?
Alice: It's the legs you see -- the bedside table is actually nailed to the floor!
[Another shot rings out.]
Alice: Although, that doesn't really help us much in our current situation, does it?
Clint: No one panic! [Pulls out a handgun and quickly checks to make sure it's loaded.]
sure it's loaded.] Charlie: [Brandishing the fork at Clint] Are you robbing us?!
Austin: [To Clint] Ready? [Opens the door just enough to peek outside]
Clint: [To Charlie] Nah. You don't seem to have much worth taking anyway!
Assuming he actually has bullets, Clint will nod to Austin and
take a position by the door.
[CLINT expertly pops out the magazine and verifies that it is fully loaded, before slotting it back in again. AUSTIN slowly pulls the door in only for someone to crash through it onto the floor. This is RANIEL DADCLIFFE, a man in his mid twenties who appears to have horns, and who has several gunshot wounds.]
Raniel: They've found you!


Clint: "They" have, have they? [To the group] Is anyone a doctor?
Heather is afk today
Charlie: I certainly have the confidence and gravitas to be one, but my main reaction to this man is morbid fascination with his wounds, not to mention mild disgust as his horns, so I suspect my expertise lays elsewhere. Alice: [To Ratcliffe] Who are you? Who are "they"? [Looks around] And them! Who are these guys? Ratcliffe: [Fading fast] The key.... the key...
Austin: [Alarmed] Who are they? And for that matter, who are we?
His name isn't Ratcliffe, it's RANIEL! Sorry about that!
Alice: What key? Raniel: You need to ... to make the key...
Shor: My God man, do we look like a metallurgical craft group to you? How would we make a key?
Austin: Perhaps we are the key. I'm clearly incredibly important, and people are dying for me. Probably fairly usual. And why else would I be this beautiful? [Looks at himself in amazement]
Alice: Oh please, you're not that attractive, except maybe in a cheap, androgynous kind of way, a bit of rough while one's husband is away on a business trip, who might be worth a hundred credits or so.... [Shakes her head] Ahem! [Looks at her hand] Hey! I'm a married woman, you know! Keep it in your pants, Mister! [To Raniel] Are we the key? Or do we have to make it? Raniel: You have to make it! You need to ... [passes out]
On Tue 24 Jul 2018, 03:03 Conor Ryan, wrote: Shor: We need to what? [Gives Raniel a big shake] Hey, wake up!
Austin: [Searches Raniel] Fat lot of use he was!
Charlie: Agreed, as if we needed to be further confused! [Hesitates] Though I do love a good mystery, so it is rather thrilling! [Looks at the others] Have any of you a key or key-related materials? [Searches her own pockets]
Austin: Perhaps the Vial and the flask are some part of the key? Maybe we pour the vial into the flask and shake it?
Alice: Or maybe that's what causes the bomb to explode? [Frowns as Austin searches] So... who shot this guy?
Charlie: [Boldly] I shall investigate! [Attempts to peer outside the door]
Alice: Careful! Maybe "they" are outside!
[CHARLIE pushes the door open and the party can see that there is another large room that has been somewhat shot up. There are two bodies at the entrance.]
Shor: More bodies! I'll check them out. [Goes over to the two bodies and will begin searching]
[SHOR heads to the bodies and quickly pockets two guns, as he begins to search through their pockets.]
Alice: Hey! How come you get the guns?
Dur: Ummmmm.... finders keepers?
FYI, I will be out on vacation the next 3 days!
;; FYI, I will be out on vacation the next 3 days!
Have fun :)
Austin: [Searches around. To Shor] Are those still loaded?
They are! ---------- Forwarded message --------- From: dom Date: Tue, 24 Jul 2018 at 09:25 Subject: [qv] 10.01.111 To: Day, Kevin R (Irving) USA Cc: Conor Ryan , Colin Dinan , Heather Goggans ,Tom Henderson , Tom Henderson , QV Logger
;; FYI, I will be out on vacation the next 3 days!
Have fun :)
Austin: [Searches around. To Shor] Are those still loaded?
Shor: Loaded and ready for any trouble!
[SHOR finds some ID cards that holds up to the party. Both men appear to belong to an organisation called "Central Services".]
Alice: Central Services? Anyone recognise the name?
Charlie: No, but it sounds like a top-secret governmental agency! How thrilling! [To Shor, holding out a hand] Here, you had best let me have a gun, given that I am the most sensible member of this group.
Shor: Ha, I like your spirit! Do you know how to use one?
Alice: You know what's a good way to see if someone should be able to have a gun? If they say they want to have a gun, they probably should be allowed have one!
Austin: [Taking cover] I hope so!
Shor: That seems logical. I mean, why would somebody who didn't want a gun be given a gun!
Austin: [Shrugs, then nods at Shor] What next?
;awa oot
Charlie: [To Shor, enthusiastically] Oh, I almost certainly know how to use one. It seems quite rudimentary [makes a gun out of her hand and demonstrates, complete with irritating sounds effects], in any case!
Clint: Well, that rules out giving *her* a weapon!  [Eyes Dur, and shakes his head.] And he's clearly not getting one.  Give it to the drug addict [gestures at Austin.] There's no way that could end badly!
Alice: [Dives to the ground upon hearing the scary shooting of Charlie] Holy Joe Almighty! Get that gun off her! [Realises that it's just her finger, and gets up, dusting off her clothes, embarrassed] Er, yes, the drug dealer with the bad tattoo dressed only in his disgustingly stained and suspiciously small underpants is almost certainly more trustworthy than this... soccer mom!
Alice: [Dives to the ground upon hearing the scary shooting of Shor: Yeah, I think I'm going to hold onto them both for now.
Alice: [Looks around this new room, which looks like some over the top New Age place, filled with over priced mystical crystals and the like] What is this place? I think I prefer the drug room!
Charlie: [Looks around the room disapprovingly] It appears to be a refuge for the deeply naive and easily led! [Eagerly exploring] Do you see anything that looks like a key? Or something that could be crafted into such?
Alice: [Looks around the shelves] It all looks like a bunch of baloney to me. Energy crystals, healing crystals, sacred crystals, crystal crystals.
Dom is afk
Austin: [Behind the counter and rifling through the cash register] At least they seem to be making some money! [Pockets the cash] Alice: Oh my god. Let's get out of here!
;; Dom is afk
Clint: Now that we've got their money, sure, why not? Something I bet the owner of this place says all the time!
Shor: [Gestures towards the bodies] I thought this crystal nonsense was supposed to soothe, not enrage!
Alice: [Picks one up and reads the description] "Angel Aura Quartz creates a bubble of peace, tranquility and positive energy around you to help you release stress. It carries an uplifting, spiritual energy that heals your aura and brings energetic health. This rainbow point watches over you like a guardian from the universe, protecting your aura and bringing positivity into your energy field." [Sighs] I don't know, it certainly makes me feel more enraged!
Yes, this is such a thing! And yes, I'm frankly shocked at the lack of faith
you people seem to have in the healing power of crystals!!
Charlie: [To Alice] You sound more sensible than I initially thought! Perhaps you should be given a gun, after all! [To Shor] And, while we are on the subject, surely it is more in the spirit of cooperation and teamwork to give me your SECOND gun?
Alice: Yeah! Girl power and all that! Hand over your weapons now!
Clint: Giving a gun to a person who doesn't know how to use one is silly.  You're liable to shoot yourself in the foot or, more importantly by far, to shoot me in the foot!  [Eyes Alice.] But if she knows how to use one, you might as well give one to her. Otherwise it's just nag nag nag until you eventually just do it anyway!
Alice: Don't worry, sweet cheeks. If I shoot you, it won't be in the foot.
Charlie: [Indignantly] And where is MY gun? [Puts her hand out to Shor]
Colin is afk today
Shor: [Pockets the gun] I don't know.
Charlie: [Glares at Shor] I see. Perhaps we should move on?
Are there exits in this room?
Alice: [Also glares at Shor] Compensating for something? Shor: [Smiles a cold, dead eyed smile as he caresses the bulge in his pocket] It makes me feel like more of a man!
;; Are there exits in this room?
Yes, what appears to be a door leading out to the street. It is dark outside
but there are lots of lights and cars driving by
Clint: I really hope that bulge in your pocket is the gun!  [Heads for the door.]
[Book X, Act X, Scene II. A Busy Street. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and SHOR are here, having stepped out of "Crystal's Crystals", onto a busy street. The place is a blaze of neon and dodgy looking strip joints and bars, and the street is jammed with cars zooming by at speed.]
Alice: Oh man! Where are we supposed to go?
Charlie: [Wrinkles her nose as she surveys the area] What a dreadful place! Not a single book store in sight! Perhaps we could go to a bar to question some of the locals, and ascertain more about this place and our situation?
Alice: Or maybe some of those drug addled prostitutes on the corner? [To Austin] Maybe you know them? Austin: [Looks over] Probably.
[Austin salvages what good clothes he can from the bodies. And returns to Alice]
Alice: [Looks him up and down] Marginally better.
Clint: So, let's go hit up the nearest drug-addled prostitute for information! [Looks around for one with a more or less full complement of teeth]
information! [Looks around for one with a more or less full complement of teeth] Charlie: [To Clint] Very well, but I really should do the talking. I have a way with people, I suspect!
Clint: Oh yeah, you're a real pearl! Question away!
Austin: [To Charlie] You're suspect alright.
Alice: I guess she has the most experience with hookers!
[The party approach an almost-toothless hooker, WINDY DAY, who turns and glares at them.]
Windy: What the hell do you want? [Suddenly gives a huge smile, showing off her three good and four not-so-good teeth] Austin! I heard you'd been killed!


Charlie: [To Windy, excited] You know this man? What is his name, and why did you believe he had been killed?
Windy: Why, sure, honey. This here is Austin Barracuda. He's got the most viciousiest mouth in all of Londoninnit. I haven't seen you for a few days -- I figured those weirdoes in the masks had got you.
Good morning all! I have returned! Catching up on work today! Someone kill me!
Charlie: [Excited] And you know me, as well? My name is [finger quotes] honey? [Dismayed] Do not tell me I am also a [delicately] lady of the evening?!
Welcome back, Kevin! Hope you survive! : D
Windy: [Confused] Is it? And... uh, okay, I won't. Alice: [Titters] Honey! Windy: [Does a double take on Alice] You've got some neck showing your face in Londoninnit! You're nothing but a lying, scumbag bitch!
[ALICE is momentarily taken aback at these scurrilous allegations.]
Alice: [Magically putting her blindingly bright smile back on] But my name isn't Honey!
Dur: Do you happen to know who we all are? Or just those with shady reputations?
Windy: Austin doesn't have a shady reputation -- he's one of us. That liar, though, yeah. Everyone knows who she is. [Nods at Clint] Everyone in Londoninnit knows who Clint Dingo is ... [looks down] er, no disrespect, Mr. Dingo. Alice: So I'm famous? [Turns her smile up to 11] How glamorous!
Shor: Do you know me?
Austin: You wish! I think you are going to need to work on your pitch.
Windy: For 200 credits, baby, I'll know you!
Windy: For 200 credits, baby, I'll know you! Shor: [Peels off 200 credits] Tell you what, for 200 credits, tell me about the people you do know, and why!
Windy: [Takes the notes and shoves them down the front of her shirt] Sure thing, baby! Austin Barracuda, he works the streets here, [points to Clint] Clint Dingo, he's, er, a local boss. Oh, and Alice Armadillo, she the spokesperson for the Beloved Leader, she's always on TV telling lies about how great he is and how much better our lives are even though we're stuck in the shithole. I'm just surprised you all haven't been killed by an angry mob yet, hanging out with the likes of her.
Clint: [Regards Charlie] See the benefits of listening to someone else!
about Charlie: [Glares at Clint, irked. To Windy] Thank you for your assistance, fallen woman! Could you tell us more about this Beloved Leader--his guiding principles, his aims, and so forth?
Windy: You're kidding, right? Oh! I see, you're cops! You're trying to incriminate me so I get sent to a re-education camp! Alice: [Raises her eyebrows] In your case, I think it would probably have to be an education camp. Windy: Help! Help! Narcs!
Austin: [Panics] Help! Narcs! [Sides with Windy]
Charlie: [To Austin, gasping] Traitor! [To the others] Hurry, let us get away from this unruly person! [Looks for a bar to duck into]
Alice: Oh please! [Addresses the growing bunch of people who are gathering around them, all of whom look like either thugs, hookers or drug addicts, or, as in many cases, a disturbing combination of all three] We are not [finger quotes] narcs, we are here to help people build a better future. One where we can all live together in harmony.
[Everyone's attention is drawn to a giant screen on the side of a building that has, until this point, been showing ads for a selection of useless products. ALICE appears on the screen with a news ticker running along the bottom and a logo at the top of "UNN". The ticker reads "Beloved Leader Spokesperson Says Londoninnit should be razed to the ground".]
Alice: [The TV version] Londoninnit is populated by thugs, hookers or drug addicts, or, as in many cases, a disturbing combination of all three. We are not here to help these people build a better future or one where we can live together in harmony! Oh no, they are sub human! Alice: [The real version] Uh... [to the party] that looks a bit like me, doesn't it? Is that me?
Austin: [To Charlie] Honey? What are you talking about? Windy knows me better than I know any of you! [Backs off]
Windy: That's right, stick with me, Austin. Come on, let's go down here. [Points to a dark alleyway behind the party.] Alice: [Getting worried as people start to close in] Er, maybe that is me. I'm sure this is all a misunderstanding.
[The party spot a bunch of men wearing scary looking unicorn masks waiting in the alleyway.]


Windy: [Gives a secret-but-clumsy nod to the men] Come on, Aus, you'll be safe with Windy.

Shor: Those masks sure would come in handy, what with Ms Compassion here being a tv star!
Dur: Would they be as useful as, say, getting the hell outta here!
Shor: The two don't have to be mutually exclusive! Let's get those masks, and then get the hell out of here, in disguise
Alice: So... it IS me on the screen? Oh holy Joe! Can this get any worse?
[The scary mask guys all draw weapons. There are at least eight of them. Just then a large van pulls up and the side door opens, revealing a bunch of heavily armed men wearing balaclavas. Although the gathering crowd starts to run, the UNICORN MASKS look set to fight.]
Alice: Gulp!
Clint: I hate to agree with Honey or encourage her delusions of leadership, but now would be a great time to be somewhere else! [Ducks through the nearest door]
leadership, but now would be a great time to be somewhere else! [Ducks through the nearest door] Charlie: [Delighted] Indeed, I think we can all agree with the scary crime lord that I am the clear choice for leadership! [Follows Clint]
[CLINT and CHARLIE burst in the door, followed quickly by the rest of the party. They crash into an even seedier looking room than they woke up in, much to the surprise of a man inside, TUCOWS, who leaps up from snorting a line of ants.]
Tucows: What the hell? [Pulls out a gun] I know you didn't just burst in my door!


Clint: [Points at Charlie] It was her idea!
Dur: Would it make any difference if we only did it to escape a very dangerous situation?!
Clint: [Points at Charlie] It was her idea! Tucows: [Looks at Charlie before addressing Dur] That would make it worse! Bringing a senator into my house! [Does a double take on Clint] Oh! Mr. Dingo, sir! I didn't see you there. Come in! Come in! [Peers out into the street where there's now a massive shoot out going on] Hm.
Clint: I'm having a trying morning, friend. [Nods at Alice and Charlie] You can see why! We'll just slip on out the back, if you don't mind.
Tucows: Ah, a good old fashioned kidnapping, eh? Good for you! [Points to another door] That'll let you out the back, Mr. Dingo, sir.
Shor: You mentioned a senator! What senator?
Tucows: [Going through the door and leading the party through a hallway] Senator Caribou -- [points at Charlie] her! Alice: Oh! No wonder people didn't like us -- what with her being a tool of the er, man, and all.
Austin: Honey Caribou? Sounds like a barbecue recipe.
Tucows: No, it's Charlotte Caribou, although she calls herself Charlie, as though having a friendly name makes her less awful.
Shor: Well, it certainly helps explain the superior, bossy air, anyway!
Charlie: [Delighted] How wonderful, my name isn't Honey! [To Shor, nodding] Indeed, I felt certain I was a much higher quality sort of person than the rest of you! Class will tell, you know.
Alice: What? What will it tell?
Austin: You may have been a "much higher quality sort of person" at some point, but you clearly spend a lot of time with prostitutes, gangsters and drug dealers. Which one are you?
Alice: Ew! I certainly hope not a prostitute. That's just disgusting.
Charlie: [To Austin] Perhaps I was gathering all of you for a photo opportunity to illustrate the sorts of dodgy characters my campaign is decidedly against? Voters love that sort of thing!
Dur: I still have no idea who I am though! Judging by all these pens, maybe some kind of writer?
Shor: Perhaps you're writing Charlotte's memoirs.
Alice: And you did have that bomb -- maybe you're into Science and Stuff? You know, a virgin who came to this seedy place to lose his virginity? [Looks him up and down] And failed.
Clint: Well that's just not right! C'mon, kid, let's go get you laid.
Shor: [Peels off 200 credits and offers it to Dur] There you go, seize the day, and all that! And so what if she's missing most of her teeth!
Alice: He probably only needs a hundred, I mean [nods at Austin] he seems cheap, doesn't he?
Austin: You seem to like it cheap [Winks at Alice]
Alice: Never trust a winker.
Austin: Do you trust anyone? [Looks surprised]
Charlie: [To Alice and Austin] If you two are quite through with your disturbing flirtation, let us move on! I have important powers to wield and a government to run!
Alice: [To Austin] No, but some less than others. [To Charlie] So... do we work together? If so, what are we doing in this awful place? With these awful people? [Looks at her watch] At this awful time? [Peers out a window] In this awful weather? [Checks out her reflection in the mirror and smiles so brightly everyone flinches at the brightness of the reflection] And with this dazzling smile?
Dur: Well it certainly seems like we were working together BEFORE losing our collective memories, it may have been something important.
Alice: Maybe what we were doing caused us to lose our memories?
Shor: We may have also been working against each other, and it all came to a dramatic head in that room, before we somehow all passed out. I mean, what do a senator, a propaganda talking head on television with an incredible smile, a man ho, an underworld gang leader, a virgin scientist and a super spy have in common?
o a dramatic head in that room, before we somehow all passed out. I mean, w= hat do a senator, a propaganda talking head on television with an incredibl= e smile, a man ho, an underworld gang Alice: Wait, are you the man ho or the virgin?
Shor: [Tuts and shakes his head] Obviously neither. Let's get out of here!
Austin: My guess is man ho or male stripper. Does that suit have Velcro seams?
Clint: I know what they have in common! They all lie for a living and will do anything for a credit!
will do anything for a credit! Charlie: [Shakes her head] That cannot be it. I am a trusted--and no doubt beloved--public official who works only to serve the common good with no thought of profit!
Clint: [Scoffing] You're a senator, honey, not the local librarian. I suspect you and your bodyguard and propaganda minister and boy toy and accountant came to me to pay me off for some reason!
Alice: Wait a minute, are you the hooker or the gang guy? Tucows: Hey! This is Clint Dingo -- he's no hooker.
Austin: [To Alice] I'm the dam hooker, have some respect, please!
Alice: Perhaps if you didn't wantonly use such profanity I might have some for you. Might.
[The shooting out the front suddenly gets closer and someone has clearly entered the house.]
Tucows: Quickly! We better get out the back!
Charlie: [Nods approvingly] It is best to take pride in your work, no matter how degrading it is!
Alice: [As the party moves towards the back of the house] Yes, I suppose not everyone can be as devoted to public service and loved as much as me! [Spots a dartboard with her face on it] Hey! Tucows: Er, it was Joemas present! They were the hot item last year!
Shor: How could anyone even see enough to aim at it? Even the teeth in the photo are blinding!
be just another dart board with a stabable picture on it. You guys surely remember how it was the most sought after gift of the season? At least, until there were so many injuries.
Austin: Let's go before we're added to the list! [Takes the darts out of the dart board as he leaves]
Shor: [To Alice] Let's hope you got some royalties out of that! If not, you're probably owed a fortune! I wonder how many pub tvs were destroyed by drunk darts players when you were on the air?
Alice: Further evidence, as if it were needed, that commoners shouldn't have TVs in pubs. Or pubs!
[The party burst out the back door into a trashy looking back street.]
Alice: Where will we go?
Clint: The last place they'd think to look for us - somewhere classy!  [Looks around optimistically.]
Alice: Then let's go to my house!
Austin: [Looking smug.] That is a fantastic oppor... idea. Genius idea!
Alice: Excellent! [Thinks] Uh... where is it?
Charlie: Perhaps we could go to your place of work and ask them?
Alice: Great idea! [Pause] Where's that? Tucows: Unicorn City, of course! What's going on with you guys? Are you all suffering from... what's that word? I can't remember?
Dur: Sounds like you are afflicted with it then, my friend! Good luck with that!
Tucows: Yeah, and good luck getting back to Unicorn City, [sneers] my friend.
Austin: Is it really, really difficult?
Tucows: Not for them [points to Alice and Charlie] but the rest of you better have some secret weapon. ;;; Colin is out today

Shor: Like a huge bribe?

Tucows: [Eyes light up] Yes I would!
Clint: Would a cunning disguise do the trick?
Austin : It probably would. I'll have to think of one for you. [Deep in thought]
Tucows: Unless you can disguise yourself as one of those two women, you're probably out of luck.

Alice: [Smiles her dazzling smile, causing everyone to flinch from the glare] It certainly won't be me. His teeth are way too yellow. Those ones that he still has. That are in his mouth.
Austin: She could wear an extra flouncy dress and we could hide underneath?
Alice: That's a great idea! I just know I'm the kind of girl who always wears flouncy underwear and such! [Takes a quick peak down the front of her skirt and frowns] Hm. Must be laundry day.
Shor: There must be some other disguises available! We could draw a moustache and beard and glasses on?
Charlie: [Discreetly checks her underwear and gasps] One could hide several hams in those elaborate flounces! [Muses] It must be some sort of government-issued undergarment. It certainly is not the sort of thing a sensible, high-powered leader would wear.
Alice: [Jealously regards Charlie] You mean like the one she has?
Charlie: [To Alice, helpfully] Your use of the pronoun [finger quotes] one is so confusing in that sentence, we do not understand what you mean! Try rephrasing! [To Shor] Perhaps those of you less famous could pretend to be my obsequious, overworked staffers!
Shor: I'd potentially agree, if I knew what obsequious meant. Or overworked, for that matter!
Alice: [To Charlie] You are one bitch. Clear enough for you? [To Shor] Overworked are what people like me are, no doubt trying to make life better for the likes of the rest of you!
Clint: While people like me don't do a job at all and manage to make our lives better without you!
Alice: I'm sure that's why the likes of aren't allowed into [to Tucows] what's the place called again?

Tucows: Unicorn City.

Alice: [To Clint] Yeah!
Clint: And here I thought it was the system trying to keep honest, hard-working entrepreneurs such as myself down!
Alice: Goodbye.
Alice: Goodbye.
Alice: Not at all. It's all about keeping honest, hard-working point one percenters like us up. We don't want to put you people down, we just want to be above you. A rising tide lifts all boats, Joecare for all!
Shor: Sounds to me like someone is getting their memory back!
Austin: Perhaps we should get moving before she remembers everything and has us all shot!
Alice: Don't be ridiculous, I would never order anyone shot! Now, I'm sure that the Beloved Leader may occasionally recommend a vigorous relocation of a bullet into some soft tissue of a Prob, but that's entirely different!
[The shoot from outside dies down.]
Tucows: Uh oh! That's not good!
Austin: I have an odd feeling that I am late for my multiple personality group therapy. It's at 11am [Looks for a clock. Sighs] I'll just have to talk amongst my-selves until I get there.
Tucows: Tell yourselves that whoever won that gun battle is about to come in here and shoot at least some of you!

Alice: Even me?

Tucows: Look, lady, it's only because of Clint that I haven't shot you!

Alice: Well, that's just rude.
Austin: It sounds very respectful to me! [Looks around] Is there a back door or window?
Shor: [Draws his two guns] Bring them on! I prefer a straight shootout to all this sneaking around! I think.
Tucows: There's a back door! [To Shor] Not in my house you don't -- my Mom will be back soon and she'll be mad if the place is shot up again!
Charlie: [To Shor, pulling him to the back door] And perhaps you prefer sneaking around, after all! More experimentation is required before you can be sure, so let's start now!
Alice: Does that mean he should shoot or sneak?

Tucows: Sneak! [Checks his watch] Mom should be here by now. She hates when there's a bunch of gangster stuff going on!
Dur: I'm starting to hate it too! Do you maybe have a map we can borrow?
Austin: Perhaps your mother stopped the gangsters from fighting?
Tucows: [Looks terrified] I hope not! [To Dur] Sure, but it's a map of Snively Land. [Hands him a map] It's been closed for ten years, ever since space mountain caught on fire due to pollution.
Shor: [Reluctantly puts his guns away] Wouldn't want to upset your mother!
[Enter MAMA TUCOWS, a scary looking woman, dragging one of the men in a unicorn mask in by the ear.]

Mama: Algernon Mary Tucows, there had better not be any gunplay going on in here!
Tucows: No, Mama, honest!
[She clips him hard across the ear.]

Mama: Don't you lie to me, boy!


Clint: [Edging toward the door] No guns, ma'am, just providing shelter for some passing strangers. A fine young man! But now that the violence has stopped, we best be moving on. Thank you for your kind hospitality.
for some passing strangers. A fine young man! But now that the violence has stopped, we best be moving on. Thank you for your kind hospitality. Charlie: Oh, indeed! Most appreciated! [Looks at the masked unicorn man. To Mama Tucows] Has he been, er, naughty? Would you like for us to see him out for you?
Mama: [Clips Clint across the head] Don't you lie to me, Dingo! I knew you when you were a young pup tradin' baby giraffes for Jingle Jangle! [Glares at Charlie] I'd like to see you bein' hanged! Right to work my ass! [Grabs a rolling pin]
[Enter MAMA TUCOWS, a scary looking woman, dragging one of the men in a unicorn mask in by the ear.]

Mama: Algernon Mary Tucows, there had better not be any gunplay going on in here!

Tucows: No, Mama, honest!
[She clips him hard across the ear.]

Mama: Don't you lie to me, boy!


[Enter MAMA TUCOWS, a scary looking woman, dragging one of the men in a unicorn mask in by the ear.]
Mama: Algernon Mary Tucows, there had better not be any gunplay going on in here! Tucows: No, Mama, honest!
[She clips him hard across the ear.]
Mama: Don't you lie to me, boy!


Charlie: [Primly] You are addressing a Senior Member of the BLP, madam! You might show a little respect. After all, we are fighting to keep everything great!
Mama: Out! All of you out!
Dur: I think we should listen to her, Senator, I think she means business!
Shor: I agree completely! A mad mother is a thing to avoid!
Alice: We will not stand for being pushed around like this!
[MAMA moves in menacingly.]
Alice: Quickly! Out the back!
Dur: [Panicking] Holy Joe, run away! Retreat! [Makes for the back door]
Austin: My mother is soo much nicer! She really appreciates how super I am! [Walks out of the back door]
Clint: [To the party men] So are we really determined to get into Unicorn City and to stick with those two [indicates Alice and Charlie] rather than doing the sensible thing and abandoning them at the earliest opportunity? Because I think I might know a guy who knows a guy who can help.
Charlie: [Nervously eyeing Mama, joins the others in exiting] Yes, no doubt I have terribly important City Council business to attend to!
Shor: Go go go!
[The party race out through the back door and out onto the street.]
Mama: [Clipping Tucows across the ear again] What did I tell you about high level political operatives? Tucows: [Cringing in terror as he grabs his ear] No high level political operatives in the house after 6PM!
End of scene, next one coming right up
[Book X, Act X, Scene III. A Dingy Back Street in Londoninnit. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and SHOR are here, racing away from MAMA TUCOWS. The street is filthy and covered in trash and drug paraphernalia, with all sorts of disgusting lowlifes eyeing the party aggressively.]
Alice: Oh Holy Joe! This just gets worse and worse!
[A huge black car starts racing down the street towards the party, causing the lowlifes to scatter as it zooms towards them.]
Clint: Now there's a metaphor for you! The man running over the little guy just to get what it wants! [ To Alice and Charlie] I assume that's yours?
Alice: I'm quite sure it's mine. I almost certainly have a security team that protects me. [Nervously steps behind Shor, just in case, eyeing the oncoming car]
Shor: Holy Joe, its Gun time! [Takes his guns out and aims at the car]
Charlie: [To Shor] Do be careful! These could well be my beleaguered staffers, rushing to my aid--or even simply loyal BLP voters!
Clint: You think you have supporters in *this* neighborhood?  Have you been getting into the drugs when I wasn't looking?  [Checks to be sure she hasn't - we can always sell those later!]
Alice: Oh. BLP? So not the BBLP, then? How very.... unsurprising.
[The car skids to a halt sideways, so that the driver's door faces the party. The window glides down to reveal the driver, BIERCE PROSNAN, a devastatingly handsome man in a tux, holding a vodka martini. He looks the party up and down before taking a sip.]
Bierce: Shor Flamingo. I hardly recognised you without a martini in your hand.

Prosnan,Bierce Prosnan

Shor: [Still aiming the guns] You recognise me?
Austin: [To Shor] Is that your man? So you go for the daddies!
Bierce: [Sipping his cocktail] I certainly do, old man. You told me that if you hadn't checked in by 9PM I should come looking for you in that Crystal Shop. The absence of a check in coupled with the shoot out and subsequent massacre suggested that things didn't quite go according to plan. [Looks Austin up and down] You could do better.
Charlie: Splendid! And you no doubt know me, your faithful government representative, and should like to rescue me?! That is, all of us, of course!
Shor: The Crystal Shop? I really don't remember that! What do I do, apart from wear tuxedo's and quaff martinis?
Austin: [To Shor] Yep, you are pretty NonJoe alright! [Sighs and admires his own beautiful arms]
Alice: Didn't we just come from the Crystal Shop? Isn't that where we woke up?

Bierce: [To Charlie] I certainly do know you, Senator Caribou, Shor here is your bodyguard. [Nods to a bunch of guys coming out the back of Mama's house] Perhaps we should continue this conversation in the car?
Shor: [Aghast] I work for the senator? I must keep you safe, mam! [Grabs Charlie and bundles her into the back of the car, using himself as a shield]
woke up? Charlie: Oh, now I understand! [To Shor] You are clearly carrying some of my money for me, making me the wealthiest person here. Now, [gives her hand to Shor] escort me to the car, if you would.
Alice: [Dismayed] How come I don't have a goon? Surely I'm more important than her!

Bierce: You had a crack team of elite bodyguards, sworn to protect you under any circumstances.

Alice: Where are they?

Bierce: Their charred remains are in your burnt out car two streets over. It was destroyed with a car bomb, then shot up and then had a large piano dropped on it.

Alice: Why would anyone want to do that to my bodyguards?
Dur: Perhaps they had a strong hatred against the make and model of the car and your bodyguards were just collateral damage?
Alice: [Thinks for a moment] Yes, that must be it. A clear hatred against that fine, precision engineering. [Gets into the car and addresses Bierce] Do you know why we're in Londoninnit?

Bierce: No, but it must be something hugely important.
car and your bodyguards were just collateral damage? Charlie: [Being bundled away by Shor, delighted] Well done, Flamingo! [Calls back to the others] Do hurry into the car so we may flee this violent place at once!
Dur: [To Bierce as he gets into the car] You don't happen to remember me, do you?
Bierce: I'm afraid not. Perhaps I stole your lunch money some time? Or slept with the girl that you fancied?
Austin: We'll leave that one with you to mull over, sweet cheeks! [Gets into the car, tutting] Senator, you really must get a nicer set of wheels if you care going to take me on road trips! I am not used to slumming in it jalopies like this!
Charlie: [To Austin, exasperated] Holy Joe! One cannot waste taxpayer money on such frivolities!
Alice: Honestly, the gall of these people! Do you think we have credits to burn? [Opens up a mini fridge and takes out some cocktails]
Shor: Don't you dare light that, you'll pit the senators health at risk! Plus yellow your teeth!
Alice: Oh please, you think that these are .... I mean, yes, yes of course. Ahem. I'm sure I don't smoke. It must be the amnesia! Ew! Filthy thing! [Takes a long, delicious sniff of it] It should be thrown away. I mean, how did I even know it was there in the first place and [points out the window] gasp! Look at that! [Pockets the cigar]
Clint: I'll take one! I don't mind the risks. To me or her.
Shor: And I know exactly where ill stick it, still lighting, if you try! No one harms the senator!
No one harms the senator! Charlie: [Smiles approvingly at Shor] Thank you, Flamingo! [In a low voice, putting a hand delicately to her ear] And do see if you can get that woman [gestures to Alice] to lower her voice.
Clint: Remind me - is there some reason you people think I take orders from you? Given where we were when we met, you obviously came to me. I'll stick with you long enough to solve the mystery of what's going on here, but no more. Now, are we going to Unicorn City? If so, perhaps some of us [looks to himself, Dur, and Austin] should get in the back way. I doubt you people should be seen with me any more than I should be seen with you!
Alice: Given where we met, maybe you kidnapped us! I have a USB stick, maybe there's a hint on that?
Shor: I have one also. [To Bierce] Let's get out of here! First stop, somewhere with a computer!
Bierce: [Reversing up the street at a hundred miles an hour] Shor, you wound me. [Does a handbrake turn and spins the car around so it is facing the right direction] Surely you know I would never travel without such a device?
somewhere with a computer! Charlie: Excellent suggestion, Flamingo! [Excited] How thrilling! I do hope we shall have to uncover many clues and solve fiendishly clever puzzles!
Austin: [To Beirce] Where is you computer? [Looks around the car. Sighs] Your ride is so NonJoe! I suppose I'll just have to make do.
Bierce: [Looks at Austin in the mirror] Oh please. Like you've ever been in a car like this when you weren't giving a blowjob to someone. There's a laptop in the compartment beside you.
Shor: Holy Joe Bierce, eyes on the road! Not looking where you're going could definitely harm the senator! [Looks for the laptop]
[SHOR pulls out a laptop and opens it. It displays "Laptop Locked. Retina Scan Required".]
Austin: [To Bierce] My clients have far superior transport. This is no time to get all jealous, honey pie.
Bierce: Sure they do.

Alice: This is no time for your jealous nonsense and showing off! I bet this is my laptop! [Grabs it and looks into the camera]

Laptop: Access Denied.

Alice: That's so nonJoe! [Petulantly slams it shut]
Heather is afk

Charlie: Let me try. [Opens it and peers at the camera. The laptop unlocks]
Shor: [Sighs and holds the laptop screen towards Bierce] Perhaps a very quick, safe glance at the retina scanner, when we stop at the next red light?
Austin: [Sees the laptop] Holy Joe! Look at the size of that thing, Who did you buy that from? Eddie Flintstone?
Clint: I'm sure it was taxpayer money wisely spent...
Charlie: [Excitedly] Oh, perhaps it is government issue, as you suggest! Let me try! [Reaches for the laptop]
Shor: [Hands the laptop to Charlie] There you go senator, careful now, those edges are precariously sharp!
[CHARLIE looks in the camera and the laptop unlocks.]
As it did back post #35!!!
Alice: Surely there is some regulation about bringing government issued equipment to Londoninnit?
;; As it did back post #35!!!
Austin: It would probably require a retinal scan and a security escort?
;;; As it did back post #35!!!
Sorry, missed it in my comings and goings!
Charlie: [Delighted] Marvelous, let us examine those USB sticks!
Alice: [Sticks hers in and looks at the contents; there are two video files, one called "Alice" and the other "Contents"] Huh, I wonder what it is. [Double clicks

"Alice: and it starts up. It is a video of Alice talking directly to the camera

AliceCamera: Alice, if you're watching this, it means you have lost your memory. Whatever happens, do not watch these videos with anybody else. [Gives a dazzling smile at the camera and the video ends]

Alice: [To the party] Wow. [Thinks] I really do have a fabulous smile, don't I?
Austin: We should watch the other videos!
Clint: What do you think the odds are it's her homemade pork?
Shor: You think it's a cooking video? It's all a bit elaborate just to store videos of her secret pork recipe, isn't it?
Clint: These things are sensitive!
I really, really hate autocorrect some times.
This is not one of them, because this is magnificent!
;; I really, really hate autocorrect some times.
;; This is not one of them, because this is magnificent!
Austin: Never underestimate the Joe of the pork!
a perfect auto correct!
Alice: You people disgust me! I would never have any pork related material on my laptop. And besides, you saw the trustworthy lady in the video, she said not to watch the other video with anyone else. I believe her!
Austin: I think that she was using reverse psychology, asking you not to do it to get you to do it. She's clearly pretty smart, and with a smile like that what could possibly go wrong?
Charlie: [Nods eagerly] Oh, indeed! All of the evidence suggests we should all watch the video at once! [Excited] Perhaps she will share a secret family recipe for *jam=C3=B3n ib=C3=A9rico de bellota*!
d all watch the video at once! [Excited] Perhaps she will share a secret fa= mily recipe for jam=C3=B3n ib=C3=A9rico de bellota! Alice: Hm... maybe. [Glares at Charlie] I don't know what that is, but it sounds foreign!
Shor: Well, are you going to watch the video? If not, I'll try my USB drive.
Dur: Yeah, turn it on and let’s get some popcorn! This could be good by Joe!
ood by Joe! Alice: Okay, okay, I'll try. [Double clicks the icon and a password dialog box pops up] Huh, what's the password?
Clint: Try "password". You never know!
Alice: Okay. [Tries "password", "1234" and all the usual suspects] That's not great.
Heather is afk

Charlie: Curious. Why would you put a password on something that you only intended to need access to if you lost your memory?
;; Heather is afk
Austin: Perhaps a poorly thought through plan? Or the password is something really obvious? [Looks at the USB key to see if there is anything written on it]
Alice: That seems highly unlikely. [Holds the USB key up and all that is written on it is "USB"] Yes, I will try that. [It fails]
Austin: How about 'Alice', or 'pork' or 'ham'?
Shor: Holy Joe, but this is frustrating!
Austin: Or 'Holy Joe' or 'Joe'? [Thinks hard] "Joe Joe"?
Alice: Maybe! [Tries them all, but to no avail.]

Charlie: Let's think this through. You need a password to access the video and you set it knowing that you would lose your memory. Given that we knew nothing when we came to, it surely isn't something like Joe or some common name? I mean, she didn't even know her name was Alice until a while ago!
Shor: What about something like white teeth, dazzling smile, dentists delight?
Clint: Or "Iforgotmypassword" or something like that?
Dur: Or maybe it is confirming your own instructions, like "I'm Alone" or something?
[All of these are tested and rejected by the computer with a fairly obnoxious "Wah wah".]
Bierce: [Getting annoyed at the constant Wah wahing] Perhaps it is written down somewhere?
Austin: [Rolls his eye] Keep up Be-arse! I already suggested that. [To Alice] Perhaps you just leave it blank, or type 'blank'.
Alice: That doesn't seem like a very secure password. [Tries both]

Laptop: Wah waaaaaah!

Bierse: [Mildly amused at Austin's tetchiness] Perhaps it is written down somewhere?
Did Austin really suggest that???
Charlie: [To Alice] Do you have anything in your pockets that might have a password written on it?
Alice: [Turns out all her pockets] Nothing! Where else could it be written?
Alice: [Turns out all her pockets] Nothing! Where else could it be written?

Shor: Any tattoos?
Charlie: [To Shor, exasperated] Holy Joe, man! She isn't a sailor! [To Alice] Could it be something with those peculiar teeth of yours?
Alice: Certainly not! [Thinks] Er, well, I don't know.... [Rolls up her sleeves and, tattooed, or at least written in thick ink is "AHJ123CCkitten"]
Austin: Bingo! Try that!
Alice: Bingo? No way! It's way more likely to be this thing! [Types it in, and the video unlocks.] Hooray!
[The video starts to play. ALICE appears.]
AliceVideo: If you're watching this, it means that something has gone wrong. You can only trust the animals and, under no circumstances trust Bierce.

Alice: [To the party] Oh.
Dur: The animals? Why would you trust animals? Can you speak to them or some other such nonsense?
Alice: I think a more pressing question is who is Bierce?

Bierce: I am.
Dur: Should we be discussing this in front of you-know-who?
[The car stops and BIERCE turns around, gun in hand.]
Bierce: Sure, why not?
Shor: Holy Joe, steady on man, don't point that anywhere near the senator! Or any of us, for that matter!
Charlie: Good Lord! Why would anyone want to point a gun at me?
[Bang! BIERCE fires and shoots CHARLIE in the face, covering the rest of the party in bits of brain.]
Alice: We're all gonna die!
Dur: Maybe this is why we aren't supposed to trust him! Make with the shooty shoots by Joe!
Austin: Because you are the enemy! How dumb are you?
Alice: [Hits Bierce with the laptop as he shoots again, narrowly missing the party] Who's got the guns?
Shor and Clint do
;;; Shor and Clint do
Shor: Senator! [Still holding the guns from when he was aiming at the car earlier, aims and fires both at Bierce]
Bierce: I say, Shor, this is dashed bad form of yo-
[SHOR fires both guns twice into BIERCE, killing him.]
Alice: [Covered in bits of brain, skull and scalp] Can people stop shooting please?
Shor: [Shouting] Holy Joe that was loud! [Slowly flicks some brain from his tuxedo with a gun barrel, where it sticks to the window]. I guess I've just been fired.
Austin: [Removes an eye ball from his shirt. Shocked] Totes Non Joe!
Alice: [Looks out the back window] Those guys who were chasing us are back again!
Austin: Perhaps you should drive us to safety?
Alice: You think? [Considers this] Yeah, I think I'd be a good driver! [Peers out the window at van speeding up fast behind them] You guys better get shooting!
Noooooo! I leave Charlie for one afternoon, and
this is what you people do to her! : O
On Thu, Aug 16, 2018 at 7:27 AM Conor Ryan

Shor: [Opens the door, leans out and begins shooting at the van]
Alice: [Climbing over the front seat] Ew! He's all bloody!
[SHOR blasts away at the van, hitting the windscreen and causing it to swerve.]
Alice: I'm stuck!
Dur: [In the fetal position] Where can we go to be safe?
Austin: [Tries to search Bierce, and get his guns/ammo clips and valuables. Worried] This is sooo Non Joe!
Alice: [Watching Austin grabbing Bierce's gun and cash] Hey! A little help here!
Dur: [Trying to push Alice over the seat] Get us out of here!
[With an almighty shove, DUR sends ALICE through the gap so her face is crammed up against BIERCE's crotch.]
Alice: Ew! I think something awful happened down here! [Presses the accelerator, sending the car zooming forward] Some grab the steering wheel, I can't see anything!
Austin: [tries to grab the steering wheel and heads for Unicorn City] That's normal for that position!
Clint: [Nonchalantly lights his cigar, then grabs the wheel.] Lets try not to get pulled over. It might be difficult to explain!
Nice clash!
[CLINT and AUSTIN grab the wheel and the car swerves like crazy, but managing to avoid being rammed by the other van.]
Alice: Is it going well? I feel like it's going well!
[The car mounts the footpath and screams along at 100mph, sending hookers, pedestrians and various street food vendors running in panic as CLINT and AUSTIN struggle for control of the wheel.]
Austin: [To Clint] Your drive like a drunken hooker! Let me drive!
Clint: Here, take this while I get in some target practice! [Leaves the wheel to Austin and retrieves his gun. ]
[AUSTIN swerves back onto the street, still pursued by the van, which has now been joined by two more. SHOR and CLINT fire out the back, hitting one of them, which immediately gets out of control and crashes. To AUSTIN's horror, a family of ducks inexplicably starts to cross the road.]
Clint: Floor it!  We've got more important things than ducks to worry about at the moment!
>> Austin : [To Clint] Your drive like a drunken hooker! Let me drive!
Ironically, Clint seems to recall that Austin actually *is* a drugged-up hooker. =)
Alice: [Jams on the brakes] Hey! Duck Lives Matter!
Sorry, I couldn't resist!
Shor: Our lives matter more! Holy Joe, go go go! We don't have an unlimited supply of bullets here!
Alice: Then why the hell are you trying to kill a bunch of innocent ducks with them?
Austin: She has a good point there.
[The ducks successfully cross the road.]
Alice: Thanks Austin, someone has to stand up for the rights of ducks, and this administration cares for the rights of all birds.
[The other vans are bearing down as CLINT and SHOR fire at them, causing them to swerve.]
Shor: Well, are you waiting to see if they preferred the original side of the street, and decide to cross back!?
Austin: [To Alice] Ready when you are!
[The car zooms off again, hotly pursued by the vans, one of which clips the back, in spite of taking gunfire from SHOR, and sends the car sliding into oncoming traffic.]
Alice: Woooooaaaaah! What happened there? Are we still doing okay?
Clint: No problems! I'm sure they'll get out of our way.
[Horns BLARE as the party career down the street, sending other cars crashing into each other. The van pulls long side, on the right side of the road with the side door open, revealing two men with a huge machine gun pointed at the party,]
Alice: Yay! I'm getting a good feeling about this. A real good feeling!
Shor: You're about to experience about a hundred thousand little bad feelings as soon as they start shooting. Jam on the brakes hard and let them pass, then take the next side street!
Austin: [tries to handbrake turn through the corner. To Shor ] Dam backseat driver! Leave it to the professionals!
Alice: We know what we're doing!
[Somehow, in perfect synchronisation with AUSTIN, ALICE slams on the clutch as the car slides around the corner. It takes heavy fire from the van, though, which destroys the back tires. AUSTIN struggles to keep the car straight as the rubber flies off.]
Dur: [Screaming in terror from the back seat] Perhaps you can strategically crash us somewhere that will give us a tactical advantage!? Someplace easy for us to hide and get away!?
[One of the other vans rams into the back of the party, sending the car sliding before hitting the pavement and flipping over, turning several times before coming to a rest. The party are all dazed, and look up in horror as the van pulls to halt and a masked (balaclava) man steps out, pointing a machine gun at them.]
Man: Traitors. You are all going to die.
Dur: We're not traitors, are we? You must have us confused with someone else!
Man: I'm not confused. [Lifts the gun]
[Another van ploughs right into him and his comrades, knocking them down. The side door opens. Inside sits CHARLIE GECKO, a woman who bears a startling resemblance to the late CHARLIE CARIBOU.]
Alice: What the hell? Who are you?

Charlie: Come with me if you want to live.
End of scene, and no posting until Thursday as
we're travelling!
[Book X, Act X, Scene IV. The Streets of Londoninnit. ALICE, AUSTIN, CLINT, DUR and SHOR are scrambling out of the wreckage of their car, with CHARLIE still in her van.]
Alice: What the hell is going on? [Spots people standing around filming the scene with their cell phones] Uh oh!
Charlie: [Urgently waving the party to join her in the van] Quickly, we must go to Unicorn City! [Excitedly] We have ever so much to discuss along the way!
Alice: [Fixes on her dazzling smile and addresses some of the cameras] circle spent some time in Londoninnit on a fact finding tour. As soon as we get disinfected, we will report our findings! [Leaps into the van] Who are you?
Charlie: A scientist and visionary! I come from [dramatically] the past--in search of all of you!
Shor: [Getting into the van] You know us?
Alice: She certainly knows me, [to Charlie] don't you?
Charlie: [Excitedly] Only by reputation! [Looks Alice up and down] You must be the lawyer, correct?!
Alice: Uh... no! How about now? [Gives her most dazzlingiest of dazzling smiles]
Dur: Please excuse our.... uh.... associate. She lives on a diet that consists mostly of attention. How about me, do you know who I am?
smiles] consists mostly of attention. How about me, do you know who I am? Charlie: [Nodding enthusiastically] You must be the mathematical genius!
Shor: Did I hear you correctly when you said you've come from the past?
Alice: The past? Oh, holy Joe! This is getting worse and worse!
Clint: Don't we all come from the past? It's kind of how things work!
Austin: [Jumps into the van] You are a lawyer? God help us all!
Alice: Yes, but some thugs like you still live there!
Austin: [To Charlie] How old are you then?
Alice: Well, her fashion sense is so dated I'm inclined to believe she is from the past!
Charlie: Indeed, I come from the past [dramatically] in a machine of my own design! [To Austin] Who can keep up with such frivolities when there are such wonders in the world?!
Alice: Quite right! We live in a wonderful time -- The Beloved Leader is indeed benevolent and kind!
Lady from Conor # 18 Shor: In a machine of your own design? [Looks around] Are you claiming you invented the van? You're clearly mad!
Austin: [To ALice] She was refering to me, of course [Checks his nails smugly] "Wonder of the world"! I like the way that sounds!
Charlie: [To Austin] Oh, are YOU the lawyer? [To Alice, explaining] The enormous ego suggests that he might be!
Alice: He's no lawyer! He's a hooker! A rent boy, a gigolo, a festering sore on the skin of society!
Austin: Jealous, much?
Charlie: [Puzzled] Oh! [To Austin, hopefully] Are you also a great civil rights leader, fighting for the rights of your fellow downtrodden, disgraced outcasts from society?
Alice: [To Austin] Not at all. [To Charlie] Hardly!
Austin: [To CHarlie] Yes to the first two, no to the third, I'm not fighting for her rights [points at Alice]
Shor: We really should get going! Unless we all want to end up like the senator!
Alice: I'm sure we'll be fine, what with our finely trained bodyguard and all. [Flashes her smile at Shor]
[The driver of the van, HEWIS LAMENTON turns around.]
Hewis: We can get going, but we're probably all going to be killed. [Heavy sigh]


Austin: [Sighs] You think you have problems! You know nothing!
Charlie: [Exasperated] Drive, Lamenton! And keep a stiff upper lip, for goodness' sake! [To the party, eagerly] I am delighted to have finally found all of you! You are descended from greatness, you know!
Dur: No, we don’t! I still don’t even know WHO I am, let alone who I am descended from. Though I do remember something about a company called “Indus”…
Hewis: [Looks at Dur in the mirror and gives a long sigh] I don't know who you are but I can tell you what you are.
[Another couple of vans are approaching, with heavily armed men hanging off of and, rather peculiarly, on top of them.]
Alice: Er... can we go? [To Charlie] You're the one who invented the van, can't you tell him to get it moving?
Austin: [To Charlie] Decended from greatness ... do go on. [Casually caresses, his left forearm, lovingly]
Alice: How disappointment your ancestors must be. I, on the other hand, surely represent the pinnacle of evolution for my family! [Pokes Hewis] Come [so whiningly that her voice nearly shatters the windows of the van] Oooooooon!

Hewis: Great. Now I'm deaf.
[Just as the other vans move in, HEWIS slams the party's into reverse, so they are zooming along a pedestrianised street sending people diving for cover. The van rocks madly, sending the party scrambling all over the place.]
Hewis: [Dead calm] Oh, I'm not deaf. That's a pity, because then I wouldn't have to hear the endless pain of the world.
Charlie: [Watching Austin, alarmed] I fear the greatness may have become a good deal diluted! [To Hewis] Drive, man! Chop, chop!
Clint: You really need to hire better help, lady!
Austin: At least happiness won't distract him from his driving! [Hangs on to something. To Charlie] I never dilute, I always use pure!
Hewis: [Sad sigh] I'm never appreciated. I should have become a funeral director like my Mom. [Does a handbrake turn to spin the van around 180 degrees before zooming through a shop window and into a huge shopping centre]

Alice: Where are we going? [Looks out a window] Yikes! Is this what passes for shops in Londoninnit? Such tragic fashion, such empty shelves, such... well, such a surprising amount of penises.

Hewis: [Sighs] Yeah, we're actually driving through the public toilets.

Alice: That doesn't really explain what those two unusually hairy gentlemen are doing with that donkey, though, does it?

Hewis: Don't spend much time in Londoninnit, do you?
Clint: I think that's probably for the best for all concerned.  It does remind me to bring a few more animal handlers into the organization, though!  [Glances over at Dur.] Say, are you looking for a job?
Alice: He has a job -- didn't he say he worked for a company called Indus? And then the driver said that he knew what that made him.

Hewis: [Sad sigh] I did, but no one asked me what I meant.

Alice: Sonofa! Someone should have asked him what he meant by that. Oh well, I guess we'll never know!
Charlie: [To Hewis, excited] What does that make him? What is Indus?
Shor: Yes, what does that make him?
Hewis: A poisoner and a murderer. Indus own a company called Strabonis, which makes all sorts of [takes his fingers off the wheel, causing the van to swerve dangerously, almost mowing down a couple of naked men in what must the largest and most disgusting men's bathroom in the universe] medicines, many of which are nothing more than poisons designed to rot the minds of people.

Alice: Strabonis? That sounds familiar... hm. [Looks at the flash in Dur's arms, which has "Strabonis Industry" written on it] Oh.
Austin: That is soo NonJoe! They should put in prison for shifting dodgy gear like that!
Alice: Forget that! Was he trying to poison us?
Dur: I don't remember!
Alice: Liar! We all wake up in a room with no memory and one of us, that works in the Poison Factory, happens to have a flask of poison with him, do you think that's a coincidence? [To Shor and Clint] One of you should punch him hard.
Charlie: [Claps her hands] Oh, yes! Do! That will give me a hint as to which of you is the famous fighter of the group! [Quickly] But do not punch him HARD. He is a valued member of this group!
Alice: Is he? Why on earth would we need a poisoner? Who poisons us?
[The van bursts out through a large plate glass window and onto a street. Incredibly, HEWIS manages to avoid hitting anyone, and the one remaining pursuing van immediately crashes. Up ahead is a 40 foot high picture of JOE NUNPAR, looking stern and virtually the same as he was when the original party dealt with him.]
Alice: [Carrying on] In what would be a really, really embarrassing place to be found dead?
Shor: You were going to poison the senator when she was still alive! Outrageous! [Attempts to headbutt Dur]
[Fortunately for DUR, the crazy driving sends SHOR flying just before impact, causing him to miss.]
Dur: Come on Gang! We've been through so much together and we don't really KNOW if I was trying to poison you all or not! At least it wasn't my best friend that shot the senator!
Alice: You are shameless! And under the watchful eye of The Beloved Leader, too! [Gestures to the giant photo of Joe Nunpar that towers over the street]
Shor: Holy Joe, I've no idea if he was even a friend! He could have been lying. You could be lying! Perhaps you remember everything!
Dur: Hey! [Pointing at the picture] What the hell?! Don’t tell me that unicorn loving bastard is running things. And what the hell are these in my pocket? Snacks?
Austin: A quick visit to a registered toxicologist should sort out who has been drugged and what with, or otherwise. I recommend that until that point that we all stay our acusations lest we fall foul of slander legislation, if that is indeed part of our current locales' Jurisprudence. [Looks at the other for their responses. Suprised] What on earth are we all wearing?
that unicorn loving bastard is running things. And what the hell are these= in my pocket? Snacks? Alice: [Does a double take between Dur and Austin and back again] U-u-unicorn loving bastard? Are you referring to The Beloved Leader? [Looks at Austin] What?
Charlie: Yes, unicorns! We must go to Unicorn City to [vaguely] fulfil our destinies!
Dur: Beloved leader? Fulfil our destinies? [To Austin] Are they acting crazier than normal?
Alice: Don't act like you don't know who the Beloved Leader is! [Waves at the picture of Joe]
Dur: Oh sure, I know who he is. He's the biggest jerk in all the realm! Say is this some kind of fancy carriage or what? [Starts playing with buttons]
Clint: [To Shor and Alice] Is it just me, or are those two acting even stranger than normal?  I say we take no chances!
Austin: [Looking at the car] It is a rather elegant piece of engineering, I grant you that.[Looking at the poster of Joe] What in the Realms is Numpy doing on that huge billboard? [Looks around in disgust] What new form of Hell is this?
Clint: Hey! Londoninnit may not look like much, but it's home.
Shor: Ha, and home is where the heart is! [Laughs loudly, before looking at the guns in his hands] What are these strange sticks?
[All sorts of drawers and compartments open as DUR hammers away at buttons, including one with a selection of drinks, more weapons and one with a bunch of black sacks.]
Alice: I think you people have gone quite mad! Quickly, put these sacks over your heads before things get any worse!
Shor: What, have you gone quite mad, a sack? And mess up my splendid hairstyle? Wait, what's happened to your teeth? They're. So. White!
Alice: [Smiles so hard Shor has to momentarily cover his eyes] Why thank you! They are white with the Joe of Love!
Shor: Is that a new brand of toothpaste?
Alice: [Gasps in horror at this heresy] Sh! He'll hear you!
Charlie: [Alarmed] Will he?! [Urgently] Oh, do be quiet, all of you! I shall rescue you, and then we shall save the world from this madness!
Austin: Save us from what exactly? Overdue library fines? [Takes a gun, checks to see if it is loaded, looks for a bottle of brandy, and examines a sack]
Alice: [Watching as Austin searches through everything] Save you from yourselves! And me from you!
[Bang! The gun goes off, narrowly missing SHOR and putting a hole in the van. Even worse, AUSTIN only finds a half consumed can of beer and the sacks look like sacks, nothing more than heavy black material.]
Charlie: [To Austin, shocked] Give me that gun before you kill us all!
Austin: [Unloads the gun and puts it away carefully wiping his prints off first] Why would need to be saved from us? I am your best friend!
Alice: You must certainly are not, you filthy article!
Dur: Oh! Oh! [Looks at Austin, eyes brimming with hope] Does that mean the position for your NEW best friend is open?!
Alice: Oh please. Slip him 20 credits and he'll be your bestie for ten minutes.
minutes. Charlie: [To Alice, primly] Friendship that has to be bought is not authentic friendship!
Austin: Everyone has their price. [To Dur] You cannot afford me.
Clint: That's why his occupation works!
Alice: Who cares about how much this crack whore costs! What I want to know is why they [gestures to Austin, Shor and Dur] are behaving even more strangely than before!!
Austin: [To Alice] For Phili's sakes Alice, I'm a lawyer, and I have no idea why I am dressed in these awful clothes! What has gotten into you?
Shor: Good doctor! [To Dur] Do you think this is some illusion, brought about by these noxious fumes emanating from this odd carriage?
Clint: Looks like the only sane ones left are me and [regards Alice icily] this person. I think I'd be better off without all of this hassle! It's contagious and I don't want it! Imagine, a rentboy thinking he's a lawyer... [Tries for the door]
Alice: So he is a doctor? Just the sort of person who'd know about poisons!
[CLINT opens one of the doors of the van and it is immediately smashed off as HEWIS zooms past another car.]
Alice: Aieee! We're all gonna die!
poisons! Charlie: [To Clint] Oh, do be careful! [To Dur, excited] Oh, you're the doctor?! [And Austin] And you're a lawyer? I knew I had the right people!
Shor: Why, of course you have the right people, Ms Parker Kensington! Who else would we be!
Alice: What the hell? Where are we?
Shor: Where we are is in the final death throw days of the foul fascist theocracy of Nunpur!
Austin: That sounds like a considerable opportunity for the emancipation of the nation! How may I help?
Shor: By taking up arms and rising up against our oppressors, brother! Alone we stand divided, together we are united in righteous anger towards Nunpar and his brainwashed minions!
Austin: [Excited] We have started a civil rights movement, the like of which this world has never seen! [Begins writing furiously, pauses, looks up] Is everyone on board with this?
Shor: The downtrodden and the despised, the destitute and the deplored, our brothers and sisters who have for too long been crushed under the turd covered heel of Nunpar and his ilk, those of us who were not born with the correct genetic makeup, or in the correct post code, or without the trappings of inherited entitlement, all are on board, brother!
ur brothers and sisters who have for too long been crushed under the turd c= overed heel of Nunpar and his ilk, those of us who were not born with the c= orrect genetic makeup, or in the correct post code, or without the trapping= s of inherited entitlement, all are on board, brother! Austin: That's pretty good [Makes some more notes] The battle for freedom begins!
Sorry afk a for the rest of the day!
Alice: [Looks around] Oh. My. God. [Excitedly] Is anybody else in a lab strapped to an ECG at the moment? [Covers her eyes] Ow! There's a really severe glare off the window! [Gets dazzled by the reflection of her own teeth]
Shor: We are all labrats, forced into the cruel experiments and deprivation of Nunpar and his white coated zealots!
Alice: Well, that's cryptic. Say, are you any relation to Shor Scar? The lumbering halfwit [to Dur] no offence [carries on] who hefts crates around in the University?
Charlie: [To Shor, intrigued] Ms. Parker-Kensington? Do you know me by another name?
Alice: [To Charlie] Can you not see me? Or are you just rude? [Enthusiastically] This is fascinating! One wishes one had one's trusty notebook!
Charlie: [Shielding her eyes from the glare of Alice's teeth] One could hardly miss you! And I quite agree, most fascinating! [Hands Alice a notebook] Here, I always carry extras!
Alice: Excellent! [Leafs through the pages] Ah! Colour coding and cross referencing, most organised! Don't you find it fun? One of the most interesting aspects of my own work is how clearly organised all futures are from a mathematical point of view.
Dom's away

Austin: [Looking down at his clothes in a most tragic fashion, before looking at Alice and Charlie] Good god, two notebook wielding weirdoes?
;; Dom's away
Charlie: [Starry-eyed] Oh, what fun we will have, comparing notes, cross-referencing them, indexing and archiving them for posterity!
Shor: We will be far too busy bringing mayhem and justice to the Nunpar! A chronicle of righteous retribution will be kept, but indexes, cross references and archives can be dealt with after we was the filth of Nunpar from the streets!
Hewis: More likely you'll all forget in two minutes who you are and go back to being incredibly annoying. More incredibly annoying. [Heavy sigh]
Shor: Nonsense brother, the fire of retribution lights my very veins, my very core vibrates for justice and the oncoming battle to gain our freedom from oppression! I am vengeance!
Clint: Oh my god, make it stop!
Sorry all.  Slept right through my alarm and have been stuck in
meetings all day long once I woke up.
Alice: [Applauds happily] Wonderful! Wonderful! Different instances from multiple branching points! Once I present these findings, they'll never dare burn me at the stake!
Charlie: [Astonished] Are you familiar with my work?! How thrilling! [Alarmed] Wait, what do you mean, burn you at the stake?!
Alice: I'm not sure -- it depends on what your work is! I fear in my time that I am in a cell, under threat of death for heretical teachings in the form of Prescienetics. [Looks around] Clearly, however, I evade death and my work is embraced by scientists, mathematicians and engineers all over the world!
Charlie: [Elated] You are Dr. Alice-Kensington Sleaze?! What an honor is it to meet you! [Intrigued] And you are currently sharing a body with some sort of [searches for the words] game show host?
Alice: Yes! I'm not entirely sure what that is, but if it is someone that has disturbingly bright teeth, then yes! And you are?
Shor: She's someone on the TV, some talking head for Joe Nunpar, not a scientist. [scratches his head] I feel very confused.
Alice: Oh. So Joe Nunpar is still alive in this Course. Well, that's quite disappointing. [Peers closely at Shor as though examining an insect] Ah! I believe this instance has returned? Aside from confusion, how do you feel? Any irregular heartbeats? Uncontrollable bowel movements?
Shor: I feel a near overwhelming urge to shoot at things!
Alice: Fascinating! Are you some sort of hoodlum? Thug? Redneck who shoots at beer cans and otherwise adorable woodland creatures?
Charlie: [Excited] Should we run some experiments on all of them [nods to the party absently]?
Alice: [Does a double take] What? What are you talking about? Experiments? Certainly not, it's just not true to say that the Beloved Leader sanctions unauthorised and anonymous experiments on his citizens, this is merely fake news propagated by the enemy of the people, sowing seeds of fear and doubt amongst his children. [Smiles her dazzling smile]
Clint: [Looks around slowly] I'm surrounded by lunatics! Stop the car, dammit!
Bank holiday today in the US. Off to look at animatronic dinosaurs
with my niece.
Hewis: No stopping.
Austin: [holding his head] what the nonjoe was that! There was totes two of me in one head at the same time! What a looser the other me was!
; sorry, busy day
Alice: Me too! Although the other me was smart and intelligent -- although seemed to be somehow... [gasps in horror] anti-Joe!
Charlie: Incredible! It seems you may be sharing a body with multiple versions of yourself from other time periods! [Excited] Oh, there are ever so many experiments I should like to subject you to in order to confirm my theory!
Colin is out today
Shor: Look, who are you? Why do you look so much like the senator? [Narrows his eyes] Are you the senator?
Charlie: Oh my, no! I am a scientist and inventor from the past, come to find all of your! [Holds out her hand] I am Charlie Gecko!
Alice: This sounds like a highly improbably fake news story to me! Why did you [sarcastically] come from the past to find us? I mean, I can understand you wanting to meet me, but these others? I mean, no disrespect, but yeesh!
Shor: If you're from the past how did you know we even existed?
Alice: [Pales] The weirdo heretic who occupied my body seemed to think it was possible to travel in time and seemed to know a type of mathematics called Prescienetics that could tell the future.
No more posting today -- out all day!
Austin: [Nonchalantly] I agree, it's just a fairytail. How could there possibly be a nice and intelligent version of you anywhere except in fantasy? [Roles his eyes]
Clint: Let's just hope that doesn't happen again! You people are weird enough add it is without being possessed by bizarro versions of yourselves!
to the party.] Hewis: It's not a fairytale. It's fact. The sooner you believe it the better. Not that it'll make any difference.
Austin: Well, it's not a very good fairytail is it! I have heard soo much better! Me, a civil rights lawyer! Lols!
Charlie: [To Austin] Perhaps it is about your potential, rather than the reality. Perhaps you COULD be a civil rights lawyer!
Austin: [Smug] I'm sure I could be many things [Checks his nails casulally. Sighs]
Shor: Where are you taking us?
Alice: [To Austin] Oh please! She's not trying to hire you for some sick psycho sexual role playing where she's dressed as a saucy maid and someone who looks just like Joe Nunpar is punishing her horribly with cane that looks like a unicorn horn! Er, or something like that, er.... less specific.

Hewis: [To Shor] We're going to smuggle you all into Unicorn City.

Alice: Even the .... Londoninnit people?

Hewis: Even the Londoninnit people.
Shor: To what end?
Hewis: To [dramatically and with uncharacteristic enthusiasm] To save the world!! [Back to his normal sad sack demeanour] Although it'll probably fail.
Dur: Can we get a snack on the way?
Forgot to mention that I would be out of town on Monday and Tuesday >.<
Charlie: [To Dur, hopefully] To give to underprivileged children?
Alice: There are no underprivileged children, that's just a myth propagated by the anti-Joe establishment. Perhaps if their parents didn't spend all their welfare cheques on cheese and fast food, these so-called children, if indeed they may so be called, would not be so underprivileged.
Austin: [To Alice] You are making the work of a civil rights lawyer sound more attractive by the second!
Clint: It's amazing how much her job is fundamentally the same as yours, isn't it?
Austin: [Darkly] Everyone has a price. Some just sell their soul as well as their body. [Looks sadly at Alice]
Alice: [Smiles super brightly at Austin] Well then, I'm sure glad I didn't sell mine -- either one! My moral fibre is still extra super strong. [To Hewis] I can get us all into Unicorn City, simply by threatening to have the children of the guards at the gate taken from him and thrown in juvie for six years for re-education purposes, so that's not a problem. My question is, why would I want to bring these people with me and to change the world?

Hewis: Because you think it's okay to threaten the children of the guard at the gate.

Alice: [Looks taken aback] I do think that... or at least, I did. When I had that weird out of body experience, though, I felt like it was a monstrous thing to do. Hm.
Clint: Why don't we just bribe my guy instead. It's better for everyone! Except her [regards Alice] who he probably won't help on principle.
Shor: I think I know a way in which doesn't involve threatening to kipnap and murder children. It's through a back alley Poodle Bar.
Alice: Oh please! You have contacts in the illegal deep fried poodle industry, but you look down on child kidnap and murder? [Thinks] Yeah, I suppose they do sound a lot worse, now that I come to think of it. What the hell is wrong with me? [Angrily to the party] Yesterday I would have dismissed the occasional child disappearance as collateral damage in the noble struggle of Holy Joe Nunpar against the Non-Joe attitudes of the barbaric Londoninnit dwellers!
Charlie: [To Alice, reassuringly] It is all of the competing voices in your head. [Cheerily] But do not worry! If you can learn to keep everything straight, you may be able to keep from lapsing into full-blown psychosis!
Alice: Oh man! I'm so freaked out that I think I might need a cheeky have fried poodle to steady my nerves!
Shor: Fried poodle with a side order of crunchy larks legs.
Austin: I have an odd appetite for golden honeyd locusts? [Looks mortified] How discusting!
Austin: [Grimaces] Oh god! Golden Honeyd locusts are starting to sound even more appetising!
Alice: [Stomach rumbling so massively that the car shakes] Dear Joe! What am I saying? I know that a nutritious and adequate HARMA Approved Replacement Meal Article would be more than enough and that I should be happy to have it!
Alice: What's happening to us??
Charlie: We really haven't time for any snacks, so if you will all just discipline yourselves to stay focused on the task at hand, our mission will go much more smoothly!
Hewis: A back alley Poodle Bar that has an entrance into Unicorn City? I think I know the place. Hold on. [Revs up the engine like crazy and roars off. Three feet later he jams on the brakes] Here we go.
[Everyone looks out the window.]
Alice: John Jameson's brick shop?

Hewis: Don't be ridiculous. It's the one beside it.

Alice: James Johnson's brick shop?

Hewis: Go in and ask for Fifi.
Austin: [Gets out of the car] I think I'll get a new brick while I am here.
Alice: [Also getting out] I would never by a brick in such a [looks around suspiciously] dingy place.
[Enter ALL into the Brick Store.]
End of scene, next one coming right up!
[Book X, Act X, Scene V. James Johnson's Brick Store. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and SHOR are here, in what must be the most boring brick shop that anyone has ever been in. Sitting at a counter made of bricks is the most bored teenager in the world, JEREMY JOHNSON.]
Jeremy: [Sees the party] Ugh, god. I'm sooooooo bored.


Dur: Well then perhaps you can help us? We are looking for Fifi... I think...
Jeremy: [So bored and lazy he can barely hold his head up] You think or you are?

Alice: Look young man, that is no way to talk to your elders and er.. [looks at the others] well, your elders. Now, answer him immediately!

Jeremy: Yeesh, Grandma, don't get your knickers in a twist!

Alice: They're not in a twist, they're just a bit bunched up because the elastic isn't what it was, and I'm only wearing these ones because it's laundry day.

Jeremy: I never thought I'd meet someone who was even less interesting than brick selling.
Austin: Well it's your lucky day. What will you aspire to next?
Shor: Wait, is fifi a person or a type of brick?
Clint: Does it matter? You. Fifi. Now! [Pauses] Please.
Jeremy: Yeesh, alright, alright! Keep your old man hair on! Go down to the back brick display and push on the red brick.

Alice: [Peers down the back] Aren't they all red?

Jeremy: No. Some are burgundy, others are wine, coquelicot, crimson, flame, folly, magenta, maroon, mahogony, oxblood, raspberry, redwood, rose, rosso corsa, ruby, russet, rust, scarlet, terra cotta or vermillion.
Shor: I see, so what we really need is something red to compare against, to identify the correct coloured brick. [Stares coldly at Jeremy] Like blood, for instance.
to identify the correct coloured brick. [Stares coldly at Jeremy] Like blood, for instance. Charlie: [Nods approvingly] Indeed, a sample of the color would be most helpful!
Jeremy: [Swallow hard] Er, or maybe I could just push the brick for you?
Alice: [Wrinkling her nose at the unpleasant smell that has suddenly hit the air as she looks Jeremy up and down] That's more of a yellowy red, really, isn't it?
Shor: [To Jeremy] I think that would be very wise. And certainly less painful. [Sniffs] No less warmer and wetter, though.
Jeremy: C-certainly! [Squeaks past the party and pushes a red brick, causing the whole wall to slide up revealing a metal door, which he knocks on] Fifi?
[A slot opens up and a pair of eyes, presumably belonging to FIFI appear.]
Fifi: Did you pee yourself again?

Jeremy: No!
Charlie: [To Fifi, helpfully] I believe he may have soiled himself, though in either case he should probably see a doctor! [Excited] Now, could you assist us? We need to get to Unicorn City!
Fifi: I don't know anything about that, that would be illegal. I'm merely the proprietor of an illegal back alley deep fried poodle establishment.

Alice: Isn't an illegal back alley deep fried poodle establishment illegal?

Fifi: It's something of a grey area.
[The delicious aroma of deep fried poodle wafts over the party.]
Austin: Can we discuss these matters over a bowl or seven of deep fried poodle?
Fifi: Certainly! [Shuts the peephole and opens the door, revealing a busy kitchen in the background] Welcome to Fifi's!


Austin: [Heads on in] Is your produce locally sourced?
Charlie: [Enters the room, eyeing Fifi's outfit] How, er, clever of you to waste no part of the poodle!
Fifi: Everything but the bark! [To Austin] Of course -- we have a small army of urchins who trawl the dog walking parks at night!
Shor: I'd imagine you're also quite fortunate that you don't employ a cook with poor eyesight!
Clint: Or that you get diners with poor eyesight instead!
Fell asleep on my comfy couch Saturday night, so apparently got real
honest to goodness sleep last night to make up for it.
Also, near where I grew up we have (a) bald eagles and (b) an
off-leash dog park.  Occasionally, the eagles make off with a poodle,
which seems in some way relevant to the group's current situation!
Fifi: The cook does have poor eyesight, but I've managed to avoid being sauted.

Alice: Fast moving?

Fifi: No, I'm the cook. Fortunately, the diners are quite discerning and would never deign to eat human flesh when there's some deep fried poodle ears around. [Holds up a delicious looking plate of them]

Alice: Oh my god! [Takes one and takes a tiny bite] Hm. [Swishes it around in her mouth for a moment] I see. [Stuffs the entire thing in mouth] Nom nom nom!
sauted. Charlie: [Regards the ears with interest] Given that we humans consume all manner of flesh, I can see no reason why these should not be perfectly acceptable! After all, it isn't as if you are frying adorable kittens. These are merely dogs!
Alice: [Chomping on a braised tail pom pom] Mm! Tastes like a fluffy cloud!
Austin: [Nibbling on a teriyaki sweetmeat] Perhaps we should get a table and a menu?
Alice: [Stuffing some glazed toenails in] Goof ifdeaf!
Shor: Do you have any Extra Yappy sauce?
Austin: And a side of pickled Chihuahua?
Fifi: [To Shor] Whiny or shrill?
[The party quickly gather around a dingy looking table, surrounded on all sides by cages of barking poodles.]
Fifi: [To Austin] Alas no. The demand for handbags made from Chihuahua skin in which to hold Chihuahuas has skyrocketed.

Alice: [Looking at the cages of sad little poodles, smushing their faces up against the side, pleading for mercy, for clemency, for any hope of redemption] Hey, do we get to pick our poodles and then club them to death with little hammers? [Suddenly does a double take] Hey! What the hell are we doing here?
Shor: [Checking the menu] Well, don't know about you, but I'm about to have some Cockadoodle Poodle Noodle!
Austin: [Picking up a menu] Yes, I'm famished!
Charlie: [Tries to snatch the menu from Austin] We haven't time to stop and eat. We really must be going to Unicorn City!
[CHARLIE yoinks the menu from AUSTIN only to immediately have it yoinked by ALICE.]
Alice: We haven't time to argue about not having time to eat! We really must be going to Unicorn City!
[HEWIS yoinks the menu from ALICE.]
Hewis: We have time to argue about not having time to argue about not having time to eat. We really must be going to Unicorn City. For all the good it'll do.
Dur: Perhaps we have time to place a to-go order for fried poodle and waffles?
Fifi: As long as you're happy with medium rare, sure. [Thinks] Wait.. waffles? What the hell kind of freaky weirdo are you?
Austin: Don't mind him, he'd eat anyting! [TO the party] We should get going before he starts eating the furniture!
Fifi: Fine, no problem. The bill is ten thousand credits.
Clint: [ Looks expectantly at Alice] Surely pocket change to you!
Alice: [Cheeks puffed up and full of poodle fixin's] I wasn't the only one who had some -- I don't even eat Teribarki sauce!
Clint: C'mon, does he [gestures at Austin] seem like the kind of person who can afford this fine dining experience?
Alice: And what about all the Poodle ears? Who ate all of those?

Hewis: That was you.

Alice: Well, I don't have ten thousands credits on me. [To Fifi] Will you take a -

Fifi: [Holds up his to stop her] No.
Clint: [Sighs and reaches for his wallet. To Alice] Someday, and that day may never come - but we both know it will - I'll call upon you to do a service for me. But until that day, accept this as a gift. [Pays for the poodle]
Hopefully this sends only once!
Charlie: [Primly] Well, now that is settled, I think we can all agree that you should listen to me and follow all of my instructions in future! I advised we not stop and eat, as you may recall.
Alice: Oh please! [Wipes some Teriyappi sauce off her face] Who stopped to stuff her face full of sauted tail pom-poms?
Shor: [To Alice] You?
Austin: This is so NonJoe! I don't want to grow old and die in this place! Let's get going people! [Heads for the door]
Alice: [Spewing bits of poodle as she talks] Fake news! [To Austin] Where are you going? Isn't there some sec-

Fifi: [Holds his hand up] Yes.
Austin: And can you show us where it is please?
Austin: Well that is very generous of you. We are planning on saving the world, and we usually do that for free, so you don't have to pay us anything.
Fifi: Of course. For ten thousand credits.

Alice: What? You're going to pay us ten grand just to show us? [To the party, excitedly] We can get some more of that poodle you all like so much!

Fifi: [Shakes his head sadly] Alas, no.
Shor: Well, let's not be hasty. Perhaps we can take a doggy bag with us as payment.
Fifi: Ten grand. Or else.

Alice: Or else what?

Fifi: Or I won't tell you where the door is.

Alice: How about we get one of the ruffians [waves at Austin and Clint] to punch you in the face?

Fifi: [Takes out a huge meat cleaver] Then you find out why we say our product isn't 100% poodle.
Austin: How about you give us the ten grand, and then we give you ten grand and then no one has to declare it on our tax returns?
Fifi: No.
Just to move things along

Clint: [Sighs and reaches for his wallet. To Austin] Someday, and that day may never come - but we both know it will - I'll call upon you to do a service for me. But until that day, accept this as a gift. [Pays Fifi]

Fifi: Excellent. There's the door. [Points at a glass fronted freezer full of poodles]
Dur: Did we just get conned? We want the door into Unicorn City my good man, not the door into your freezer!
Clint: If he just conned us, that would have been a tragic mistake.
Fifi: I guess we'll never know.
[Time passes.]
Alice: Where's the door to Unicorn City?

Fifi: At the back of the freezer.
Charlie: Splendid! Let us go at once, and no more dilly-dally! [Heads for the freezer]
Charlie: Splendid! Let us go at once, and no more dilly-dally! [Heads for
[The party check out the freezer, which is choc full of frozen poodles.]
Alice: [Stuffing her pockets with bits of poodle] Where is the door?
Shor: Perhaps there's a special poodle we need to poke! [Begins randomly prodding frozen poodles]
there is another door in the back of the freezer.] Alice: [Still pocketing poodle bits] Nope, no sign!
there is another door in the back of the freezer.] Charlie: [Excited] Look, there is a door! [To Shor and Alice, starting to lug poodles out of the way] Help me get these poodles moved, chop chop!
Austin: [Rolls his eyes] Too much to expect them to have fresh, locally sourced organic poodles I suppose! There are places soo much nicer than this. we should all go out sometime. [Heads for the door]
Alice: I never eat poodle!
[CHARLIE pulls open the door and everyone peers into a long dark tunnel.]
Alice: This doesn't look like Unicorn City!

Hewis: That's not the city, rather it's a tunnel through the impenetrable wall that has stood for 800 years. It leads to Unicorn City.
Shor: [Steps forward and grabs a frozen poodle, before swinging it menacingly] There'd better not be anyone waiting to ambush us in the tunnel!
Austin: [Looking at the frozen poodle club] I kind of hope there is!
Alice: [Ducking to avoid being poodled] If the wall is impenetrable then how come there's a tunnel here? For that matter, how come there's a gate?

Hewis: [Stares at Alice] How on earth don't you people know this? What are you? Suffering from amnesia?
Dur: How about you pretend that is the case and explain everything to us as if we were. That way we're all on the same page!
as if we were. That way we're all on the same page! Charlie: Indeed, we have paid quite handsomely for access to this tunnel, so help in using it surely comes with the cost!
Hewis: You didn't pay me for access to the tunnel! I don't get anything out of this, other than a slap in the face! Look, everyone knows the Legend of The Gate. When Joe erected the wall, he deliberately left a small vulnerability in it so that any [finger quotes] good souls outside could dig their way in. When that eventually happened, the Gate was put up -- and yes, it took 300 years, but it's not like they had access to the sort of weaponry and explosives that we have now.
Shor: Well, let's not let those 300 years have been spent in vain.
Alice: And what about this no doubt illegal and unsanctioned tunnel?

Hewis: Over the years some high tech mechanisms have been found to make smaller holes than the main gate.

Alice: This doesn't seem that small.

Hewis: It gets narrower further on.

Alice: How narrow?

Hewis: It's about two inches in diameter.

Alice: Two inches!

Hewis: It widens after about a hundred feet.
Austin: Luckily we skipped lunch!
Clint: [Eagerly] Say, does this mean we get to blast our way in?
Hewis: There's no need, we can just walk in.
Shor: Walk in, through a two inch gap? My poodle club wouldn't even fit through that!
through that! Charlie: [Helpfully] Could we perhaps shrink ourselves at the crucial time?
Shor: Hmm, is that something people from the past could do?
Charlie: [Laughs] Oh my, no! That sounds more futuristic, wouldn't you say? [Looks at Alice hopefully] Have you invented shrinking technology, by any chance?
Alice: No, but I'm sure the boffins will get right on it. [To Hewis] Why are you wasting our time taking us through a tunnel that we can't fit through? We spent good money on this -- I'm just glad it wasn't mine!

Hewis: [Sighs] There's a trapdoor about twenty feet up, before the tunnel starts to narrow, we can get out there.
Austin: How do we get through the trap door if it's 20 feet up?
Alice: Oh please! [Rolls her eyes] Obviously we form a human pyramid!

Hewis: Or we could just walk up to it.
Austin: I'll take the walking option. Far more sensible [Rolls his eyes] So what is the trap, on the door?
Charlie: [Nods emphatically] No pyramids. We are not cheerleaders! [Looks at Alice and Shor] Well, not all of us, anyway!
Hewis: [Gives an exhausted sigh] Yes. The trap is on the door.
[The party walk the requisite twenty feet and find a trap door.]
Alice: Hey! Maybe we could use this instead of the one that we need cheerleaders for? [To Hewis] Does this one have a trap?

Hewis: No.

Alice: Well, then. Why on earth would we ever want to use the other door?
Clint: Does this door lead to where we want to go?
Austin: My understanding is that it goes to Unicorn City, our desired destination. [Looks a little surprised at himself]
Hewis: [Exasperated] Yes! How many times do I have to tell you? Open the door, climb the ladder and get into the white car waiting there for you.

Alice: I think maybe just ONCE!

Hewis: Oh. [Thinks] Yeah, fair enough.
one into the car smells!
[AUSTIN pulls the door open to reveal a metal ladder set into the wall.]
Alice: Thank Joe! We're almost home!
[AUSTIN pulls the door open to reveal a metal ladder set into the wall.]
Alice: Thank Joe! We're almost home!
[The party climb to the top of the ladder and get to another metal trap door.]
Alice: [To Austin and Charlie, who are ahead of her] Knock on the door! Charlie: [Excitedly knocks on the door] Oh, I do hope someone answers!
[A voice answers from above, this is PROF CHARLES "TRUCE" BASSETT-KENSINGTON-SLEAZE.]
Truce: Yeesh, hang on!
[The trap door opens to reveal an immaculately dressed man who smiles down at the party.]
Truce: Ah! The heroes!

Prof.Charles "Truce" Bassett-Kensington-Sleaze

Shor: Yes, that's us!

Truce: [Shines a flashlight over the party] You certainly seem attractive enough! Come on up, [dramatically] we've got a world to save! [Frowns momentarily before flicking a piece of dust off his sleeve] And you better make it quick, we've got a schedule to keep! [Holds up a clipboard]

Austin: Do we have time to visit your tailor?

Charlie: Professor Basset-Kensington-Sleaze! I am delighted to see you again. How can I assist you in keeping this group on schedule? [Whips out a slightly larger, slightly shinier clipboard of her own]

Truce: [Helping Austin up] Alas no my... attractive if somewhat poorly clothed friend. He is far too busy creating the most exquisite panda skin codpiece for me. [Shrugs] It's gonna take him a long time. [Finger gun] Click-click!

Alice: [Looks down her nose at Truce's finger gun to Austin] That sounds awful, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Truce: [Smiles at Alice] You know what you need? A good sound spanking from an attractive scientist wearing a panda skin codpiece. Perhaps with some sort ping pong bat.

Alice: [Blushes] Well... I never!

Truce: Then maybe it's about time, Pixie Stix!

Truce: Dr. Gecko! [Big smile and salacious lick of his lips as he looks her clipboard up and down, lingering on the shininess.]

[Time passes.]
Alice: [Fanning herself as she tries hid her blushing] Hey! I thought we were on a schedule!

Truce: We sure are, Pixie Stix! [Points to his own clipboard]

Alice: [Reading from it] One PM, five minutes of flirting with the party?

Truce: I know, it's lame, but we are in a rush. [To Charlie] Let's get everyone into their overalls.

Charlie: [To Truce, scolding] Professor, do behave professionally! [Awkwardly brandishes her clipboard so that Truce can behold its glory better] Hmm, yes, I can see from my inventory sheet that I have overalls for everyone! [To the party, handing out overalls] Put these on at once, chop-chop!

Shor: [Takes an overall from Charlie and tries to squeeze himself into it] It's a bit snug.

Truce: [Helps Shor pull it up, so that they are facing and his arms are around Shor's back] Let's see what we can do! [Gives it a heft as the two get very, very close]

Alice: Mine is huge! [Shows that her Shor-sized overalls are too big] And why are we wearing overalls?

Charlie: This is how one dresses in Unicorn City! [To Truce and Shor, disapprovingly tapping her clipboard] There really isn't time in the schedule for horseplay, you know.

Deuce: On the contrary -- I think you'll find that there is two minutes allotted to it in the next ten minutes. [By way of explanation to the party] I always leave two free minutes out of every fifteen for horseplay. It lightens the spirit and, even when there is something quite serious going on, I can save up the time and use it for a quick pee at the end of the hour! [One quick heft and Shor somehow fits into his overalls]

Austin: So, back to more serious things [Zips up his overalls] Are we talking Panda skin or baby Panda skin ... and what about the lining?

Truce: Oh please, don't insult me! [Good naturedly] Baby, of course! And the lining? [Gets a bit dreamy and puts his arm around Austin] The lining, my friend... are you familiar with albino baby seals?

Austin: [Leans his head onto Truce's shoulder] Yes, but I prefer to pretend that it's the first time, every time, if you see where I'm coming form?

Clint: [Slips into his overalls resignedly] This had better be worth the time I'm not spending running my evil empire!

Truce: Sure do, little buddy, I sure do! [To Clint] Not to worry, friend. If this works, you won't have an evil empire!

Clint: Well that's hardly an incentive, is it?

Truce: [Laughs] Well, you got me there, friend! But deep down, way deep down, in a part of you that you don't want to world to see, you know that it's a good thing, right?

Clint: No? But if we can screw over our dear leader, I'm in anyway!

Shor: How do these incredibly restrictive overalls help overthrow an evil empire?

Austin: Indeed, they seem like a step in the wrong direction?

Truce: I guess they weren't exaggerating about that amnesia, then, eh? This is what everyone wears in Unicorn City -- we have to blend in. We wouldn't want to end up on the wrong side of the FPs, would we?

Shor: The FPs?

Truce: [Putting on his overalls] Fashion Police.

Charlie:Now, really, is it such a hardship to wear these uniforms when it will keep you safe and able to move freely about Unicorn City?!

Alice: [Unconvincingly] I'm sure Joe knows best.

Charlie: [Enthusiastically] That's the spirit! Now, let's all go to Unicorn City!

Truce: [Pointing to the blandest of bland white vans at the end of the street] This will let us blend in nicely. Let's go!
[Everyone bundles into the van.]
[Book X, Act X, Scene VI. A van, racing through Unicorn City. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, SHOR and TRUCE sit in the back of a van being driving by HEWIS. Outside is the blandest looking city imaginable, filled with depressed looking people wearing the same overalls as the party.]
Truce: Good to be home? Clint: [Looking around] Not my home! I'm a pilgrim in any unholy land here!

Alice: [Watching the sad and depressed population strolling around] It seems to have lost some of its vim!

Truce: I know you guys are probably still suffering from amnesia, but did Raniel tell you anything useful?
He's probably referring to Raniel Datcliffe

Daniel's(short) appearance

Shor: Was he the guy with the horns? He didn't say much before he was killed. Something about a key. A key we had to make.

Charlie: How thrilling! [To Truce] Have you a pneumatic die grinder and vise grips?!

Truce: I sure do!

Alice: [Amazed] Are you in the habit of making keys?

Truce: No. [Gets a little dreamy]

Austin: [Oddly excited] Ooh is it a CP3119-99 Chicago Pneumatic Industrial 1/4" Direct Air Die Grinder? Those are the best!

Truce: Better than that, my friend -- it's a CP3119-99A, the one with the self mounting assembly! [To the party] But, er, let's say this equipment can be used for making a key.

All: This equipment can be used for making a key.

Truce: You seem very sure, but a key to what?

Shor: We have absolutely no idea!

Truce: That's what I thought.

Alice: So what is it for?

Truce: I don't know -- what I meant is that I thought the same thing! [Checks his watch and then looks at his schedule] We only have 48 minutes to figure it out.

Charlie: [Looks at her watch and gasps. To Truce] If only you had not wasted so much time flirting and engaging in horseplay!

Truce: What about all the time you wasted colour coding and cross-referencing? And really, the flirting, was it time wasted? Really? I mean, look, [holds up his schedule] it's there in black and white. Scheduled. Efficient, cold and clear. I've had just about enough of your micro-managing, Puddin' Pop!

Alice: [Peers at the schedule] What's that at

2:45PM? Seduce Charlie? Is this how you seduce people?

Truce: [Shrugs and gives a smile] Hey, different strokes for different folks. [Holds up a previously unseen ping pong bag] Speaking of strokes...

Alice: [Blushes] I don't see that on the schedule!

Truce: [Points at the schedule] At 4PM. [Puts on some super dark shades and places a red light in the middle of the van]

Alice: What's this? To make the van look even sleazier?

Truce: No. [Taps the light and the van is filled with dazzlingly bright light]

Austin: This should be good, where's the popcorn?

Austin: [Shielding his eyes] My goodness! Is that really necessary! If you turn that off I can provide everyone with eye drops if required!
Alice: [Covers her eyes] Ouch!
[Mercifully the light turns off.]
Alice: [Looks around, startled, before calming herself] Ah! Another time jump!
Clint: Suppose for the sake of argument that you people aren't just crazy. How are we going to figure out what key to make? Do you have any leads? Does it have anything to do with why we were all gathered together when we woke up, maybe?
Alice: My theory is that we all consumed some Chronofibre. [Looks around] Well, assuming that it has been invented, of course! Has it? [Looks around expectantly]
Charlie: [Excited] Oh, I do hope so! [To Truce] Has it?!
Shor: I'll tell you what has been invented brothers and sisters, and that is the bourgeois class system which lessens the working classes to the level of animal!
Truce: Indeed it has! By our friends in Strabonis industries!
Truce: Uh... sure, that's true, and we're here to stop it from being built!
Clint: [Looking around in confusion.] But only through the power of nonviolent resistance! [Spots Shor and does a double take.] Hey, my brother, I thought you were dead!
Shor: My passion and fervour for our cause of justice makes me invincible to the Nunpar criminals!
Austin: We must unite the people!
Clint: If the Nunpar is Joe, he must go!
Alice: No offence, but people are idiots! We need to avoid this problem completely!
Austin: Ignoring the problem won't make it go away. [Enthusiastically] We need to teach the people to forget their differences!
Alice: Oh please! That's about as realistic as teaching a Rana Temporaria third order differential equations! You're trying save a drowning man by scooping the ocean out with a spoon -- we need to stop him falling in the water in the first place!
Austin: [Aspirationally] I'm not trying to save a drowning man, I'm trying to save the ocean!
afk, see you monday
Charlie: [Inspired and starry-eyed] Oh, let us do both! Future generations will sings joyous songs of our soggy exploits!
Dur: What the hell is going on? Who are you people and why do you want to drown someone? I most certainly will not stand for it!

Alice: No, we're not trying to save someone, it's just that my colleague here misunderstands my analogy. [To Austin and Charlie] You see, in this scenario, the man is people in general, and the ocean is the oppressive HARMA regime!
Shor: And that ocean will be boiled to salt by our righteous ire, and that salt will be rubbed into the eyes of our oppressors!
Austin: Hm, I'm confused. I thought in this scenario the oppressors were the ocean?

Alice: Oh my god! Look, we don't have the time for this!

Truce: Actually, we do, but only another minute and a half. [Shows the schedule which has, to no one's surprise, five minutes allocated for "senseless arguing over semantics".]
Dur: And what's on the schedule after that?
Truce: I have a minute set aside for useless discussion about the level of granularity of the schedule.

Alice: And after that?

Truce: Five seconds for collective eye-rolling.

Alice: Hm, it does seem a bit too fine grained doesn't it?

Truce: [Offended] Hey! [Taps the schedule] Time and a place, and all that!
Charlie: [Nods approvingly] We should never accomplish anything otherwise! Now, perhaps we should try to find some help making this alleged key?
Austin: Unless the key stems the flood of inhumane treatment from HARMA, I say we don't bother with it.

Alice: Forget the flood! What we need to do is to stop HARMA from taking over in the first place!

Truce: Does this look familiar to any of you? [Holds up a Gavid's chart]

Alice: Huh. These do seem familiar -- HEEs, no doubt!

Gavid's Chart

This was the chart created with visions from the original party
when they were trapped outside during a
"Destablising Event". Each vision was described by Gavid as "High
Energy Events", which are branching
points in time.
Clint: Oh dear, they all seem so violent!
Alice: All the more reason to avoid them!
Shor: Is it possible to avoid them? Surely it's as inevitable as the bourgeois sampling the working classes underfoot!
Truce: No! That's the great thing about Prescienetics! Once we know the sequence of choices that led to something happening, we can avoid them!
Charlie: Isn't it splendid?! [Modestly] You might even say it is the greatest invention in the history of mankind!
Charlie: Isn't it splendid?! [Modestly] You might even say it is the

Shor: Actually, I think you'll find that it's gunpowder.
Charlie: [Scoffing] Oh, the power to destroy and maim is more valuable than the power to shape history itself?!
Charlie: [Scoffing] Oh, the power to destroy and maim is more valuable than

Alice: Actually, I think the greatest invention is the science that the time machine is actually based on, after all, that's the really creative part!
[To Alice] You are correct, but who invented that science?
Alice: [Momentarily startled, but then speaking with pride] I believe you'll find that it was me!

Truce: Sure, but the one who actually got the time machine working is the real genius here. Well done, unknown inventor of the Truce-o-matic 5000! [To the party] That was the missing part that was added to the time machine.

Alice: There are two different things. One is the time machine that Truce here used to bring Charlie here and that we can use to send something back to when the wall first went up, and the second is Chronofibre, which I believe everyone here consumed prior to waking up in that room.
Austin: [To Alice] This has dramatic implications in jurisprudence, but we should save the people first!
Alice: Well said! We don't have a moment to lose! Now, we only have the ability to send one thing back, ideally something that can be used to destroy the wall. We could repurpose some of Truce's rather disturbing sex toys to fashion a key of some sort, but what lock should it fit? Isn't that what Raniel said? We have to make a key?
Charlie: Yes, and we have conventional key-making materials [helpfully gestures to the pneumatic die grinder and vise grips], but we know nothing of the lock!
Truce: We better figure it out quickly because the time machine will run out of power in thirty minutes, and we better send something back to help them get through the wall!
Dur: Maybe we will better know what kind of key we need to make if we could see the lock?
Truce: That's just the problem! We don't know what the lock is -- just that there's a big wall there!
Dur: Then perhaps the key is more metaphorical, rather than physical?
Alice: Maybe! Maybe we need send something else back to help break down the wall? Didn't Hewis say something about that earlier?
He did

Hewistalking about how the wall was penetrated

Austin: I think he said that Joe deliberately left some small holes in the wall? Perhaps a map of those holes?
Shor: [To Truce] According to your schedule, when do we realise how to solve the key problem?
Clint: Obviously the key is a message of peace and love!
Truce: [To Shor] Four hours ago.

Alice: [To Clint] It could be. [Nods] It could. Or, you know, maybe something useful? [Looks at Austin] There could well be information about the wall and any weaknesses, but where would it be?

Hewis: [Turns back and speaks ominously] The Horn.
Charlie: [Eagerly] Oh, do let us go at once!
Alice: Phew! It's obviously a nicer place than Hewis made it sound -- right?

Truce: It is the epicentre of evil in Unicorn City. It is the place where hope dies. Where ambition turns to ash, and where joy turns to an endless bureaucratic nightmare of form filling, waiting on hold and scrolling through pages and pages of confusing and meaningless user agreements.
Clint: [Wisely] These sorts of places will no longer be necessary when the bloodless revolution comes.
So it's Comcast tech support, basically!
;; So it's Comcast tech support, basically!
Austin: Sounds like it would burn well.
Clint: We need to stop them, bet there'd better not be any violence!  Or, if we can avoid it, bad manners.  At least, that's what I think.
I think I liked godfather Clint better.  =)
[The van rounds a corner and the party can see an enormous building towering into the sky that is shaped just like a unicorn horn. It is dazzlingly bright, particularly amongst the drab background.]
Alice: How are we going to find this horn?
Shor: It's the shard of evil, the horn of our horrendous oppressors, brothers and sisters! Our journeys end!
brothers and sisters! Our journeys end! Charlie: [Looks at the Horn appraisingly] Well, it IS in rather bad taste, but I shouldn't think it was as bad as all that!
Truce: I kinda like it. It's the Heads that I would be more concerned about.
Austin: The Heads? Who or what are they?
Truce: Joe.
Charlie: [Disapprovingly] But surely he is just The Head? I find this erratic use of pluralization quite disturbing!
Austin: Perhaps 'Joe' is simply the name for the management team? So, what's the plan?
Truce: No, Joe is one of the Heads.

Alice: Who are the other ones?

Truce: Joe.

Alice: [To Austin] The plan is to find out about the wall, but perhaps we should understand this whole Joe/Head situation first?
Austin: Perhaps we could meet them for tea, cake and a chat?
Shor: We should gouge the eyes from each heads sockets, rip the tongues from their mouths, for all their injustices carried out over the years!
Austin: We must first establish guilt, surely?
Charlie: [Looks at Shor, alarmed] Are you quite all right? [To Austin, in a low voice] Perhaps someone needs a nap--or heavy sedation?!
Alice: Look! No one's going to gouge anyone's eyes out, and we certainly won't be having tea and cake with them. These have both been illegal for centuries!

Truce: The Horn is the seat of power in Unicorn City and is heavily guarded, as senators and other political types spend a lot of time there.
Shor: Plotting how best to trod the working classes underfoot, how best to extinguish joy and hope in those they deem sub human, no doubt!
Austin: What a nasty bunch! How do we get in there to investigate? [Ponders. To Clint] Is that stuff in the tube, chronofiber, by any chance?
Alice: If only we knew someone that HARMA trusted, who could simply walk in! [Looks at the flask] I guess there's no way of knowing.

Truce: It is.
Charlie: [Excited, to Truce] Oh, but Professor *Basset-Kensington-Sleaze is trusted by HARMA, are you not?!*
Truce: We-ell.... there have been some stories, rumours really, that are just unkind and cruel, that may have somewhat compromised my credibility and ability to get us in there.
Austin: Well, Charlie is a dead ringer for the senator, that is probably our best approach to getting in, perhaps you could borrow some, erm, believable clothing and pretend to be the senator?
On Wed, 26 Sep 2018 at 12:13, dom


Alice: Really, Truce? Are they really untrue?

Truce: Untrue as in unproven!

Alice: [To Austin] Good idea -- senators wear drab white overalls, so, check!
Shor: And as I was previously the guard dog of the fascist senator, my appearance would not be suspicious to the stormtrooper goons within.
check! Charlie: How thrilling! I shall say you are my underpaid underlings! [Snaps her fingers at Dur] Fetch me a coffee, at once!
Alice: And my [smiles her migraine-inducing smile at the party] disturbingly bright smile would also not be out of place, given that in this time, somehow a descendent of mine has become voice of the oppressor. I'm sure she was working from the inside to help bring down the regime, though, don't you think?
[Stony silence.]
Truce: What matters is that you're here now, Puddin' Pop!
[The van pulls up a short distance from The Horn.]
Hewis: I can only stay here for a few seconds, otherwise the van will be vapourised. [Points to an ominous looking gate surrounded by scary looking barbed wire and men in what appears to be hard metal suits] That's the way in.
Dur: Let's get this over with, I have sick and downtrodden people that urgently need my help!
Alice: Right! Everyone stick with me! [Opens the side door] And whatever you do, be cool. [Puts on some shades and steps out, getting her foot tangled up on a safety belt, falling to the ground] Ow! Help! They've got me! We're all gonna die!
Austin: [Untangles Alice's foot] I thought we were being cool? Or are we to be cool whilst you panic? [Considers this] I'm easy either way. [Straightens the cuff on his overalls]
to be cool whilst you panic? [Considers this] I'm easy either way. [Straightens the cuff on his overalls] Charlie: [To Austin, helpfully] Perhaps she meant we should physically remain cool in temperature? For some sort of scientific experiment requiring chilled human tissue?
Alice: I was er... just checking out the view. [Looks up] Yep, that's a tall tower right enough. Now, let's go! Hewis, it's okay for you to-
[HEWIS zooms off into the distance.]
End of scene, next one coming right up
[Book X, Act X, Scene VII. Outside The Horn. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, SHOR and TRUCE are here, being eyed menacingly by a bunch of "Unigoons", which everyone recognises as elite HARMA officers who's main qualifications seem to be humourlessness and an even higher level of dickishness than one would normally associate with HARMA.]
Alice: Right. Let's do this thing.
Clint: But in a peaceful, nonshouty sort of way. It's important not to lower ourselves to their level.
[One of the Unigoons, CHOCO TOMPARS, approaches the party.]
Choco: State your business.


Clint: [Mildly] The Senator would like entrance, please.
I really should have stolen a clipboard so I could be, like,
mild-mannered secretary or something.
Choco: What senator? State your business or we will shoot.
Charlie: [Steps forward commandingly] This senator! I am on important government business, along with my staff! [To Austin] You! Fetch me a sharp pencil! [To Shor] You! Get me those notes on Senate Resolution 467-23 parts Q-V!
Austin: [Looks round to see if there is a pencil or writing implement anywhere]
Does Dur have pencils?
;; Does Dur have pencils?
A dazzling array!
Choco: Oh, sorry, Senator! [Takes out a large, gun like device] Let's just do your retina scan and we'll be fine.
;; A dazzling array!
Charlie: [To Choco, eyeing the gun] Certainly, if you feel insecure in your authority to allow me to pass, though I should really prefer not to muss my mascara before the big vote! [Bats her eyelashes awkwardly]
Choco: Present your eye or we will shoot.

Alice: [To the party] Fascinating! She clearly is an ancestor of the Charlie from this time, but will her retina be close enough?
Charlie: [To Choco] Very well, but if I look like a raccoon in the publicity photos for the vote, I shall blame you! [Nervously presents her eye to Choco]
Choco: I'll live with the disappointment. [Scans Charlie's eye and looks at the result] Hm. 72% match?

Alice: Is that good?

Choco: What do you mean "is that good"? Of course it's not!

Alice: Actually, what I meant is if is good considering.... [turns lamely to the party] you know, the um... thing? Tell them man!
Clint: Considering the senator's recent cataract surgery? I'd say it's about what you'd expect.
Austin: Better than you would expect, and not surprising with Joe's personal eye surgeon! The finest work in the city!
personal eye surgeon! The finest work in the city! Charlie: [Nods quickly] Yes, I am so pleased to learn my eye is practically back to normal after my recent surgery! [Adds lamely, covering her eye] Ow!
Colin is afk
Shor: I can personally vouch for the Senator's eye surgery.

Choco: And you are?

Alice: Give me strength! He's personally vouching for the Senator's eye surgery!
[CHOCO points his scanner at SHOR.]
Choco: We'll see! [Reads the result and looks worried] Er, I mean, that is, I see. Please, go ahead!
Shor: You have inexplicably detained and delayed the senator, a senator who is recovering from major eye surgery, I add, on this important day! You will be hearing about this! [Leans closely towards Choco] I hope you still have your government issue civilian overalls!
Choco: Gibber! No, I had to hand them in this morning to prevent an unauthorised absence from work!
Charlie: [Looks at Choco in disgust] You make me sick! [To Shor] Let us go, and quickly! This fool has delayed us long enough!
Shor: Indeed! [Heads past Choco]
Dur: Disgusting. [Walks past]
[CHOCO's head drops.]
Clint: Tsk! [Walks past]
[CHOCO's head drops further.]
Alice: Pathetic.
[CHOCO's head drops even further.]
Truce: Man, you should be ashamed.

Choco: Yeah? How's that donkey?

Truce: First off, it wasn't a donkey, and second... [looks at the party] hey, why am I taking guff from some Unigoon who's harassing a senator with an eye transplant?
Austin: And a peeping-tom too!
Choco: [Drops his head again] Sorry.
[The party enter the foyer which is completely white and sterile, with dozens of Unigoons standing around on guard. They walk up to a huge secretary's station where an aggressive looking secretary, CAROLE KANE, sits with her arms folded, staring at the party.]
Carole: What?


Charlie: [Curtly] Do watch your tone! You are speaking to a Senator!
Clint: [Gasps] Senator, the ache in your eye is no reason to be snippy! What if word got back to your constituents?
Carole: Oh please. It's not like you people do anything, is it? Now, what do you want? You're wasting my valuable time.

Alice: What were you doing before we came?

Carole: Sitting here stewing in anger because I am so bored with having nothing to do.
Austin: What would you like to be doing?
Carole: Finding out what the hell you people want!
Charlie: We are going to The Horn, of course! And you are delaying our progress with your questions!
Carole: This IS THe Horn! I am not delaying your progress, because you've already got here. Now, unless you actually want to do something here, I suggest you leave!
Shor: And what a good suggestion it is too. Come along senator.
Charlie: Indeed, I underestimated your wisdom, young lady! [To Shor] Let us hurry, for we have important work to do. [Waves the party to follow her] Forward, staff!
Alice: Uh... are we really just going to leave?
[The party turn to look at TRUCE talking CAROLE.]
Truce: How's the neck? Did it heal up?

Carole: [Giggles foolishly] It had a rash for aaaages!
Charlie: [Watches Truce and shudders. To the party] This sounds like a private conversation, so we had better leave them to it! [Attempts to go past the receptionist desk and into the building]
Sorry I didn't meant to leave but to have Charlie just barge
past the receptionist desk to go deeper inside the building if
that's possible.
Austin: Sounds like personal hygiene is not quite up to scratch around

Shor: That should be reported, senator.
Dur: Poor personal hygiene is one of the leading causes of disease among the poor and down trodden. It should be considered a crime!
I miss dirty Dur!
[An alarm BLARES and CAROLE leaps up, screaming.]
Carole: Help! Help! Truce: Yeeesh, dumpling! Take it easy!

Carole: Not you, them! [Points accusingly at the party] Stop them!
[A bunch of Unigoons come racing towards the party.]
Shor: [Shouts at the unigoons] What's the meaning of this?
Dur: Perhaps the time for questions has passed and we should make haste to our objective?
[One of the Unigoons, BARRY PARIS, steps up to SHOR.]
Barry: Good question! What IS the meaning of this?
Charlie: Indeed, why am I, an important Senator, being kept from my important business? [To Barry] Do have a word with those guards, would you?!
Barry: Being an important senator, you know full well you need to check in with Cheryl.

Carole: Carole.

Barry: Whatever. Check in with her and state your business. [Sighs] Senators! Democracy would run a whole lot more smoothly if we didn't have any voting!
Clint: Say, do you think a proposal to that effect would make it through?
Barry: [Shrugs] Doesn't really matter, does it? Now, what do you people want here?
Charlie: Well, Cheryl, we are going to examine the wall in advance of an important vote on infrastructure and maintenance!
Carole: Carole! My name is Carole! And if you want to examine the wall, then why are you in here? This is the The Horn! There's no wall here!

Alice: But there is information about Infrastructure and Stuff, right?

Carole: Well... yes.

Truce: And Maintenance and Stuff?

Carole: I suppose...
Charlie: [Nods vigorously at Truce's words] Precisely my point! We should like to examine all of the Infrastructure and Maintenance Stuff!
Carole: Oh, well, okay. Then in that case, you better got to Room 538-291.

Truce: Thanks Cheryl. Maybe a bit later we might have a bit of an old... [does a choking motion with his hands]

Carole: [Giggles mindlessly] Oh, you!

Alice: Ew! [Heads to the elevator]
Austin: Gross! [Heads to the elevator]
[The party head to the elevator where ALICE presses the button impatiently.]
Alice: How much time before we have to use the you-know-what, Truce? Truce: Uh.. it's in the freezer, so it's good for a few months.

Alice: What?

Truce: Wait, what are we talking about again?

Alice: The time machine!

Truce: Oh! Fifteen minutes.
Charlie: [To Truce] Do stay focused on our goal! Time is of the essence! [Lets out a chortle that ends in an undignified snort] You see, the meaning of the idiomatic phrase in this instance relates both to our need to move quickly, as well as the fact that our goal is to find a TIME machine!
Clint: Ah, it's by telling dad jokes that you're going to try to fit in with the old men in the Senate?
Shor: I think the only way of fitting in with those old ignorant fascists is by turning yourself into a xenophobic, rascist and bigotted old pervert.
Shor: I think the only way of fitting in with those old ignorant fascists t. than that, because essence also is another word for extract, and we use concentrated Chronofibre! [Guffaws and holds his ribs, shaking with mirth]

Alice: [Presses the lift button repeatedly] Oh my god!
han that, because essence also is another word for extract, and we use concentrated Chronofibre! [Guffaws and holds his ribs, shaking with mirth] Charlie: [To Truce, nodding enthusiastically] The meaning works on several different levels, thus increasing the humor exponentially! [Laughs so hard she can barely breathe]
Austin: Distilled humour!
Alice: For the love of god! [Hammers at the button, and eventually the elevator arrives] Saved by the bell1
Shor: I was enjoying the Muzak! What was that,the Death March played on a xylophone?
Alice: I think it was the Deaf March. [Climbs in and hits 538]
Austin: Ahh, a great band, "The Grateful Deaf", that was real music!
Alice: No way. Give me the Deaf Kennedys any day! Too funk to druck, now that's what I call music, too.
Charlie: [Listening, clearly baffled] Oh, yes! I, too, enjoy chamber music and other trendy musical styles!
Clint: Maybe we should do our best not to draw attention to ourselves? I don't think music, or laughing, are on the list of officially short-lived activities. Besides, the sooner we get this over with, the lower the chances that we have to keep listening to the comedy stylings of Heckle and Jeckle here, and thus the lower the chance that I'm forced to break my vow of nonviolence!
[The elevator bings into life and zooms up.]
Alice: So we're going to waltz in and ask to see a map of vulnerabilities? Is that really going to work? Truce: Maybe if we sashayed?
Clint: What we need is a distraction.  Someone that will appeal to their grotesque sensibilities.  Someone like... him!  [Nods towards Austin.]
Truce: I like him fine. I think he's a very attractive man!
Charlie: Perhaps we can suggest that our interest in the wall's vulnerabilities relate to a study into fortifying our defenses? That seems a senatorial sort of thing to take an interest in!
Shor: That sounds plausible, and you could enhance the lie by claiming l that you've heard from a source that the great unwashed masses are planning to attempt a breach!
Alice: [As the party reach the allotted door] Oh, and everyone say things like "Go with Joe" to sound like we're true believers!
Austin: Go Joe! Even catchier!
Alice: Are you trying to get us killed? That sort of enthusiasm doesn't go down well in Unicorn City!
Austin: [Boringly deadpan] Gojoe.
Alice: Take it down a step or two and you'll be fine.
Charlie: [To Austin, nodding] Humorous, but it lacks the sophistication of my word play!
Austin: [Sadly] That was not a joke, it was woefulness.
Alice: Much better. [To the party] See the hollowed eyes? The slack jaw? He fits in better now.
Austin: [Woeful] Thank you for your kind words. If only they were more than a single shining star in the eternity of darkness that is the nights sky of my soul.
Alice: Hm. Now you're just trying too hard. It's kind of bring me down.
Austin: [Sadly] Weep no more, woeful knights, weep no more. For Austin your sorrow is not dead, sunk though he be beneath this dystopian floor.
Truce: It's amazing how less attractive everybody is when they quote Milton. [Opens the door and walks in, greeting the person inside loudly] Hello my friend!
Shor: Milton? Isn't that the stuff they disinfect babies bottles with? Anyway,prepare to meet our first xenophobic racist pervert senator!
Alice: No, they disinfect babies with it. [Shudders] Filthy things!
[The party enter the room.]
End of scene, next one coming right up
[Book X, Act X, Scene VIII. Room 538-291. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, SHOR and TRUCE have just entered, sitting inside is a nervous young HARMA officer, WALLY WALTER-WALL.]
Wally: Uh... how can I help you?

WallyWalter-Wall III

Charlie: Hello, young man! I need to see all of our files on the structural integrity of the wall right away. Urgent Senate business! [Gestures to Shor] Hand the files to him, if you would.
Shor: [Waits three seconds] Well,what's keeping you?
Wally: Uh, but I don't anything about it.

Alice: Aren't you the Wall Guy?

Wally: [Sighs sadly] Yes.
Dur: We don't need to know what you know and don't know, Son, we just need the files.
Wally: What if I don't know anything about files? Do you want to know that I don't know that?
Clint: Not in that tone we don't!
Wally: Uh... how about this tone? [Licks his lips salaciously] What if I don't.... know anything [sucks his finger] about files? [Pause] Do you want to [takes off his glasses and flutters his eyelids] know that I don't [licks his lips again] know that?
Austin: Errm, nope. Do you like Milton?
Wally: I'm not sure I can get his tone right, but... [dramatically] What if 't be true I don't wot aught about files? Doth thou wanteth to wot yond I don't wot yond?
Austin: Hmm, not bad, how about T.S.Eliot?
Clint: [Confused.] Wot?
Wally: I don't think he knows much about walls, and even if he did, he's dead.
dead. Charlie: [Relieved] Good, we could use fewer poets if you ask me! [To Wally] If you do not have access to the files on the wall, who does?
Austin: Are there any files on the wall?
Wally: No, they're all in the computer.
Boom boom!

Alice: Why are you the Wall Guy if you don't know anything about walls?

Wally: I think it was all some horrible misunderstanding on account of my name, Wally Walter-Wall. I don't even like walls, I'm way more of a window guy.
Austin: May we see the files on the computer?
Wally: Uh, the computer's broken. [Steps in front of a screen that's clear turned on]
Austin: Oh, [tries to duck to the side to see what is on the screen]
Wally: No! [Blocks him]
[AUSTIN feints to the other side and soon gets a look at the screen, much to WALLY's horror.]
Wally: No! Please! Please don't judge me! I just get so... lonely up here. There aren't even any windows. Just this hyperrealistic drawing of one, look. [Points to what looks like a child's drawing of a window]
[No one looks at the drawing of the window, but instead the entire party are drawn to the unspeakable perversions on WALLY's screen.]
Alice: Is... is that basically a woman in standard issue HARMA overalls?

Truce: Not quite -- look, she missed a button halfway up and you can see part of her stomach. [Sighs sadly] Oh, the youth of today.
Austin: Joe would be very, very, sad about this.
Charlie: [Shields her eyes and gasps] Quickly! Pull up the records on the wall so we ladies needn't be subjected to this [darkly] PORNOGRAPHY.
Dur: Precisely. Perhaps if you let us access the files we need, we will ‘forget’ to mention it to him.  
=E2=80=98forget=E2=80=99 to mention it to him. Wally: I don't even know how to use it! I just use it for playing Solitaire and, well...

Alice: Playing solitarily?

Wally: [Drops his head] I always feel bad afterwards.
Clint: Not that you should be doing it, but are you sure you're doing it right?
Alice: Maybe he hasn't had as much practice as you, Clint?
Charlie: [To Clint, giggling] She means to suggest that you spend a lot of time on your own, which is rather sad and depressing! [Thinks again] Wait, that's a dreadful thing to tease someone about! Perhaps he cannot help the many things others find repulsive about him!
Austin: [Changing the subject] It's a pity there are no windows, it's a lovely day today.
Alice: I was suggesting nothing of the sort! [Rubs Clint's arm reassuringly] I was merely suggesting that he has considerable experience of masturbation!
Wally: Aw! I wish I could see it, but someone has to be in this office at all times.
Clint: Go on. We've got this covered and you can go see the day and enjoy a bit of me time.
Austin: [Nods in agreement] Yes, the Heads are always having nap times.
Wally: Really? [Big smile] Wow! Great! I'll just get my, er, magazine.
[Opens a drawer and pulls out a plain brown paper bag, out from which pops a magazine called "Harmandate". The cover has a picture of a man in HARMA overalls, coyly looking over his shoulder at the camera.]
Wally: [As the magazine falls to the floor] I only get it for the articles on cars!

Truce: You should look at the porn too, it's pretty good.

Wally: [Blushes] Yes, I'm off to the toil-- er, window, I mean, outside!
[WALLY races out.]
Alice: [Shakes her head sadly] Tsk!
Austin: [Waves goodbye to Wally, then turns to the computer] So, this is a computer?
Truce: Yes! Being from the past, none of you have even the slightest notion of the information superhighway that is at our finger tips. Every conceivable piece of information is online here in HARMA HQ. [Moves the mouse.]
[The screen displays "CONGRATULATIONS! You are our 100,000th visitor of the day! You have won a myPad!". TRUCE clicks it away and goes to the "HARMA Advanced Research Machine Access" site.]
Alice: Really? Ask it where my socks are!

Truce: [Types in] Where are Alice's socks?

Screen: She is wearing them. If not, she should be immediately arrested for gross indecency in a HARMA building.

Alice: [Lifts her trousers to show her socks] Wow! This thing is great!
Charlie: Oh, how marvelous! Ask it whether or not I shall receive a promotion to full professor!
Truce: Sure! "Will Charlie receive a promotion to full professor?"

Screen: No, because such a position serves no useful purpose other than as a receptacle for coffee and ungraded exam papers.

Truce: Don't take it hard. It always says something snarky about professors. Ever since education was made illegal they're reputation is just awful.

Alice: What was it like before they were made illegal?

Truce: Way worse! Everyone hated them!
Clint: Ooh, ask it if we have time to be asking it silly questions!
Charlie: How dreadful! Professors are adored in my era. I was even given a charming pet name, [finger quotes] Chilly Charlie. [To the party, explaining] I believe it is a reference to my naturally relaxed personality, phrased in student vernacular.
Alice: Those crazy kids -- in my era it would meant that they didn't like you!

Truce: Niiice. [To Clint] No need, it's right here. [Shows him the clipboard] We have ten minutes to figure out what we're going to send back in the time machine, so if we want to get information about the wall, we better do it right now!
Austin: [Watches Truce stop typing, and hands him a wet wipe] Here, you should probably use this.
Truce: For what? What do you think he....
[DEUCE trails off as everyone's eyes are drawn to the minimised picture that WALLY had been trying to hide earlier.]
Truce: Oh. Oh yeah, this just ... um, disgusting?

Alice: [Sighs] Oh... Truce!

Truce: Yeah! [Nods, now quite certain] Disgusting! [To Austin] That's what you meant, right? [Cleans his hands]
Austin: Yes. Though I understand why you would overlook such a possibility. Who ever thought of combining a miniature library machine with erotic images was clearly on to a money maker. All be it a rather distasteful one.
Clint: When the revolution comes we'll have to find a better use for these things. Maybe educational texts or something.
Shor: My guess is it will be primarily used for sending pictures of cats dressed in amusing outfits. ;; Sorry for my absence Thurs and Friday. Bloody flu bug
Truce: That's only in the Dark Web -- HARMA expressly forbid the dressing of any animals in human clothes; something about it being the thin end of the edge towards inter species marriage.
Austin: Is it not enough to ban it on the ground that it is tasteless!
Alice: Oh please! What could be more adorable than seeing a bunch of puppies dressed in 1920s-style gangster suits posing beside jazz instruments?
Charlie: Oh, I know! I know! Seeing kittens dressed as detectives with little magnifying glasses clutched in their tiny paws, following mice paw-prints!
Alice: [Sceptical] I don't know... I don't quite understand that scenario. I mean, surely in the cat/mouse relationship, it would be more appropriate for the mice to be detectives, searching down clues for some savage kitten serial killer?
Austin: None of that sounds educational in anyway!
Alice: [Defensively] It's also not doing anything to help us find flaws in the wall!
Shor: Search for Wall Blueprints.
results. Hm, that=E2=80=99s more than we can realistically examine in nine = minutes.
results. Hm, that=E2=80=99s more than we can realistically examine in nine = minutes. Charlie: How narrowing it to reports on breaches of the wall? Or repairs?
Charlie: How narrowing it to reports on breaches of the wall? Or repairs?

Truce: Let=E2=80=99s try repairs. 82 million!

Alice: What? How could it be more?

Truce: [Shrugs] Idunno, but we=E2=80=99re down to eight minutes to figure o= ut what to send back to break the wall down.
out what Austin: How about "Secret escape routes through the wall"?
Truce: [Tests it out] One hit!
Shor: What does it say?
Shor: What does it say? back, with a blaring alarm sounding out. The words "Access Denied" flash repeatedly on the screen.]

Truce: Access denied.
> [TRUCE clicks the link and the screen starts to flash red and back, Shor: Quickly, ask it why?
Clint: Can we log in to the senator's account from here?
Charlie: Oh, do so! Perhaps I have access. [Frowns] I hope they ask for optical verification and not a password, though!
Deuce: [Clicks away at the computer] Let's see!
[The monitor immediately challenges for a password. Meanwhile, the alarm is still going off.]
Alice: I think we better get out of here. Whatever we send back to the past to let them blow a hole in the wall certainly won't be plans for the wall! [Thinks] Or whatever sad excuse for pornography they have in this hell hole.
Charlie: How disappointing--all of that subterfuge gone to waste! [To the group] Hurry, before we are detained by HARMA goons!
[There's an awful banging on the door and voice calls out.]
Voice: Goons! [Bangs again] Unigoons!
Charlie: [Gasps] Just as I feared! [Looks around quickly] Is there another way out?
Truce: The only ways out of these offices is either through the door or the window!
[Everyone turns to look at where they would have expected there to be a window. There is none. The banging continues.]
Alice: Come on! We better let him in, but we need an excuse for why the alarm went off. [Thinks] Or at least an unsuspecting victim we're prepared to sacrifice!
Shor: [Pushes his weight up against the door]
Alice: How much time before we have to use the time machine?

Truce: Five minutes!
Charlie: [Snaps her fingers] We can blame the pitiful man with the filthy urges! [To Truce] Not you, the other one!
Truce: You mean throw that pathetic, worthless and lonely loser to the wolves who will almost certainly torture him to death? [Big smile] I like it!
Austin: [Tries to open the door. To the Goons] Where have you been? The senator has been waiting for minutes. This post should be manned at all times!
[SHOR lets AUSTIN opens the door, to reveal a party of Unigoons outside, including BARRY PARIS that the party had dealt with earlier.]
Barry: What? No it shouldn't! This is that loser Wally's office -- what's going on?
[SHOR lets AUSTIN opens the door, to reveal a party of Unigoons Austin: [Demanding] Where's Wally? I do hope you did not let him go awol!
Austin: [Nods] Can you fix this awful alarm, or do you need someone with higher authority?
Shor: We came into the room to investigate this crazy ruckus and found it empty!
Barry: No, it needs some with Supergoon authority!

Truce: Ahem. [Taps his watch with his clipboard to get the party's attention and then mouths the words "Four Minutes"]
Clint: Then you'd better get one, and find Wally while you're at it, hadn't you? We'll leave you to it. If you're ready, Madame Senator?
Dur: Maybe we can send back the dangerous chemical we've been carrying around with us?
We still have it right?
Barry: What dangerous chemical?
[Everyone looks super guilty.]
Heather is afk
Charlie: The dangerous chemical spilled by that dangerous pervert!

Truce: Hey!

Charlie: No, not you! The other one!
[The party race out, slamming the door after them.]
Truce: [To Dur] I think you mean the Chronofibre -- that's what we use to send something back. Come on, think! We only have three minutes to send something back -- remember, they don't have weaponry to damage the wall back when it goes up first.
;; We still have it right?
;; Heather is afk
;;; We still have it right?
;; Yes!
Clint: Could we send back some kind of explosives?
Alice: Yes! That would mean that as long as they get close to the wall, they could just blow it open. [Thinks] Although we still don't know what "make a key" means.
Charlie: [Hopefully] Well, a key opens a door, so perhaps blowing a hole in a wall could be argued to perform a similar function!
Alice: We don't have much time to debate it, so we better focus on getting something explosive. Truce, is there some secret, well protected stash of explosives?

Truce: Yes, but it is so well protected that even the bazookas that they store in the rarely locked and poorly guarded room beside it can't pierce the wall.
Austin: Has that theory been tested recently, or at all?
Truce: Not by me, no, but the HARMA propaganda machine seems confident!
Shor: There's only one way to find out! Bazooka time!
Austin: [To Shor] Remember just to blow the doors off!
; out for the rest of the day
Alice: To the Bazooka Room!
[The party race down the corridor.]
Alice: [Panting] Does anyone know where the Bazooka Room is?
Shor: Of course, it's the one next to the room with the explosives. Hmm, perhaps a bazooka isn't the best option. Too late now though!
[The party continue running, and soon realise they have run around in a circle and encounter BARRY PARIS, who's peering out of WALLY's room.]
Alice: [Struggling for breath] You! [Stops and pants hard] Where's... where's the bazooka room? Barry: [Indignantly] That's classified! Do you know how poorly locked and rarely guarded that room is? I can't just go telling people where it is!
Shor: The senator is on a bazooka room inspection, and that is the bazooka room she is due to inspect!
Barry: With all due respect, she should know where that room is! I can tell you the location of most rooms, but not, my friend, the Bazooka Room.
Clint: [Diplomatically] The senator's memory isn't what it used to be after that traumatic eye surgery!
Clint: [Diplomatically] The senator's memory isn't what it used to be after that traumatic eye surgery!
Barry: Oh, sorry to hear that. [Writes something down and hands it over]

Alice: [Reading the note] "I won't tell you where the Bazooka Room is".
Shor: Tell you what, why don't you direct us to the room next to the bazooka room. That way we can find our own way the rest of the way, and you'll still have followed the rules!
Barry: Oh please. What sort of idiot do you take me for?

Austin: [To the party] Please! Don't disrespect the man! We shall instead continue the senator's reporting in a different room. [Looks at Truce's clipboard] Now, where is the Gunpowder Room?

Barry: That's downstairs -- Room 2-023.
Charlie: [To Barry, with a gasp] So near the Bazooka Room?! That seems like poor planning.
Shor: Just as well you're here to inspect them, senator! I think you'll be making a lot of recommendations!
Barry: Oh! So you DO know where there Bazooka Room is? Niiice. You really nearly had me believing you were just some sort of impersonators!
Austin: Well done, you passed the test with flying colours! Keep up the good work.
Barry: Will do -- I need to keep a close eye on that computer. There is [whispers] pornography there! [Goes back into Wally's room]
Charlie: [Dramatically] To the Gunpowder Room!
All: Hooray!
[Everyone high fives and hugs each other as though someone has just scored a fantastic goal.]
Truce: Er, where is that again?

Alice: Beside the Bazooka Room!
End of scene, next one coming right up
[Book X, Act X, Scene IX. A Hallway. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, SHOR and TRUCE are here, standing across from two doors. One has all sorts of forbidding looking "Entry Prohibited" type notices on it, while the other is slightly ajar.]
Alice: [Pointing to the open door] Bazooka?
> [Book X, Act X, Scene IX. A Hallway. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, Shor: I'll check. [Peeks around the door]
of bazookas.] Truce: [Looks the up and down] I've never wanted to kill something more in my life!
Shor: [Turns and grins] I know, right?
Austin: Let's check and see if it's open first! [Checks the door for traps and then check to see if it opens, if safe] What is he blast radius of a bazooka?
traps and then check to see if it opens, if safe] What is he blast radius of a bazooka? Charlie: [Ponders] Let me see [scribbles notes on a notepad, muttering numbers to herself] right, carry the one and, er--[shrugs and holds her hands apart a few feet] this much?
Truce: That looks about right. [To Austin] The rest of us will stand over there while you fire it. I suggest you stand [points to a spot] there, so you don't get any blowback.
Austin: [To Truce] What a preposterous suggestion! [Walks to a very very safe distance]
Truce: [Watching Austin walk way, way down the hall] Hm. I guess it'll have to be someone else then! [Looks at Shor and Clint] I'd do it only... well, you know.... I don't want to.
Austin: [Calls to Truce] Chicken!
awa hame
Truce: Normally I prefer ham, but it's so hard to get real meat in this place then, sure, I'll have some chicken!
Charlie: [To Truce, decisively] We have no time for snacks! [To Shor, nodding at the bazooka] Didn't you suggest you enjoy enjoy this sort of thing?! Well, hop to! [Claps her hands commandingly]
Clint: I hope no one is hurt! If we weren't in such a hurry I'd object to this as being too much like violence!
Shor: [Picks up the bazooka and aims] Watch out for any rebounds!
[BLAM! SHOR fires the bazooka and a shell hits the door of the explosive room full blast, before coming zooming back at him. He ducks at the last second as it narrowly misses him and zooms down the hallway.]
Alice: [Inspecting the door] It's barely even scratched! Truce: We've got 45 seconds before the window for the time machine closes!
Charlie: Oh, dear! Perhaps we could use the bazooka in the Gunpowder Room? Surely that would be a tremendous blast. [Hesitates] Or kill us all instantly!
Austin: It's for the people! to Save the world! Let's do it! [Pauses] And you can't make an omelette without breaking eggs!
Alice: But how do we get in there?

Truce: Twenty seconds! We're going to have to send something back!

Alice: We can't get through this [taps the door] crazy material whatever it is, so we can't send back any explosive powder!
Austin: As Charlie said fire the bazooka into the Gunpowder room!
Alice: That's what he just did! [To Shor] Try going through the wall!
[SHOR obliges by firing the bazooka inside the Bazooka Room at the wall of the Gunpowder Room. Once again, nothing happens.]
Truce: Twenty seconds!
[Alarms sound and flashing lights go off.]
Alice: I think maybe someone heard us!
Austin: Oooh, well fire the bazooka into the bazooka room!
Truce: Fifteen seconds!
Charlie: [Wails] It isn't working! Hurry, we had better flee so we do not end up in detention!
Truce: We better send something back before we go, or your ancestors won't be able to do anything!
Charlie: [Offers a notebook jammed with scribbled notes] Here are some of my notes! [To the others] Do any of you have anything you could send?
Truce: [Lamely] We could offer them some of Austin's chicken? You know, the stuff he was eating when the bazooka was first fired.

Alice: Never mind the notes and chicken, what can we send them back that will blow something up?
Charlie: Can we send the Bazooka back? Or a barrel of gunpowder?
Truce: Seven seconds! [Takes out a tiny gun like device, which he fills up with something from Dur's flask]
[Bunches of heavily armed Unigoons appear, racing down the corridors towards the party.]
Alice: That's it! The bazooka!
[SHOR tosses the bazooka onto the ground beside the notes and no chicken.]
Truce: Two seconds! [Fires the time machine, causing the bazooka, notes and no chicken to disappear.]
Austin: That was not as glorious as I had hoped. [Looks glum]
Dur: So.... how will we know if it worked?
Truce: Hm. Well, I guess we didn't change the past, then?

Alice: Of course not, that's impossible, it's already happened. However, what we have done is created a wealth of new branching points, opening a whole new world of possibilities for our ancestors to take a different path to us.

Truce: Huh. Then... when you said that we could change the past, you were....?

Alice: Lying. I didn't think you'd help otherwise.

Truce: What happens now?

Alice: Either we get thrown in jail and horribly tortured for the rest of our lives, or we each grab a bazooka and go out in a hail of glory!
Dur: Not much for choices are they? Hopefully whoever is on the other side of that time machine fair a bit better!
Austin: [Sighs] Well it was nice knowing you all. [Goes to try an get a fully loaded Bazooka ]
Alice: [Grabs one and checks it out] These seem quite straightforward!
[The Unigoons are charging from every direction, led by BARRY.]
Barry: Put those down immediately! [To another Unigoon] How the hell did they find that room?

Truce: [Picks one up] I guess this is it! [Points it at the oncoming Unigoons]
Unigoons] Charlie: [Grabs a bazooka and points it at Barry] Tell your goons to lower their weapons! It is almost certainly a high crime to threaten the life of a public official!
Barry: Everybody, take aim and fire at will!
Clint: [Steps into the way to protect the party] Is this a bad time to mention that I'm a pacifist?
[Bang! CLINT gets shot in the face, spraying the party in blood.]
Alice: Kill them all! [Fires her bazooka at Barry]
Dur: Some part of me always knew it would end like this! [Picks up a bazooka and starts firing]
Truce: [Starts firing into the Unigoons] I sure hope the other branch turns out better than this!

Alice: [Also firing] It can't be any worse!
Shor: [Fires at rocket at Barry. Delighted] This couldn't be any better!
Charlie: [Opens fire.To Shor] Couldn't it?! I could do with less blood and brains, personally!
Dur: And Less death. I’m sure our pacifist friend could have done with less death…
with less death=E2=80=A6 Alice: Revenge!
[Exit ALL in a blaze of glory.]
End of scene, next one coming up tomorrow!
[Book X, Act X, Scene X. A corridor in Queens View. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and SHOR are here, having just stepped out into the corridor from the room they had occupied with TIMOTHY BLEARY in Act X, Scene V. Every stands still for a few moments.]
Timothy: Dues! Dues! Hey! Can you hear me? Alice: [To the party] What the hell was that?

Timothy: It's me, dues! Hello!
Dom is away for a few days

Austin: No, something far more disturbing than a filthy, naked hippy!
Make sure you read my earlier mail before responding to this!
;; Dom is away for a few days
Charlie: [Excited] How thrilling! We appear to be key players in a vast, complex, multi-dimensional, time-traveling storyline! Just as I always dreamed I would be when I was a girl!
Alice: Forget that! [Even more excited] Did you guys see how white my teeth were? What a time to be alive!
Dur: [Cowardly once again] I'd rather focus on not ending up like that other me, thank you very much. There is so much rubbish left in the world to eat! I'm too young to die!
Austin: And I'm too beautiful to, but that didn't prevent the other me from dying [strikes a dramatic pose] standing up for what he believes in, equality, fraternity and excellent fashion. [Sigh!]

Alice: Er, so, if there is some truth to the visions, then where is the bazooka?
bazooka? Charlie: [Looks around] Are we in precisely the same position we were? Perhaps the bazooka is hidden somewhere safe!
Alice: I think we are -- maybe the bazooka appeared in the same place it was sent from? You know, maybe time travel and Prescienetics are rotationally, spatially and temporally invariant? Hey, now not only do I know math I know a whole pile of new words too!

Austin: What does Prescienetics mean?

Alice: [Shrugs] Idunno. I just remember other Alice saying it when she was trying to impress Truce. And why not, eh? I mean, wow!
Clint: Well I for one refuse to believe it's true! Imagine, me as a wimpy pacifist!
Alice: I thought it was adorable! Maybe that is who you really are?
Clint: [Hurt] Hey! I didn't accuse you of being a collaborating sellout! So, this alleged bazooka... I guess we'd better go look for it or something.
Check out the snazzy post number!
Shor: That was a really odd sensation! Did anyone else just have a vision of being tortured in the basement? I'll bet that's where the bazooka is!
Alice: That's right! And that's where we were in the future too!
Charlie: [Excited] Marvelous! Let us go to the basement at once!
[The party load into an elevator and start heading down.]
Alice: Does anyone remember the thing about us needing to make a key?
Charlie: Oh, indeed! But we still do not know what the key is, do we?
Alice: No! And I hope we don't need it to open a door like we couldn't blow the bazooka through!
Shor: Very true! However, I'm sure with our usual grit and determination, we will find a way!
Clint: [Clearly trying to make up for being a wimpy pacifist in the visions] Preferably one involving mindless cartoonish violence!
[Bing! The lift hits the correct floor.]
Alice: You're trying a bit too hard, there, Stinky. You're kinda embarrassing yourself!
Charlie: [To Clint] Indeed, we now understand that underneath your thuggish exterior lurks the gentle soul of a [vaguely] poet or painter or some such, and you needn't try to explain. We will shield you from life's ugly realities!
On Thu, 18 Oct 2018 at 10:09, Heather


Alice: Oooh! So it's all an act? All this time, he's aching to love and be loved! I bet he has all sorts of sad and depressing poems about saddos who pretend to be on the spectrum and who lock themselves in their bedrooms listening to Rye Mechincal Comance while writing in their diary about how the so-called [finger quotes] mean blonde chick broke their heart by pretending she was going to prom with them. I mean, as if!
and be loved! I bet he has all sorts of sad and depressing poems about Austin: [To Alice] Have you been reading his diary again?
Alice: It's not a [dismissively] diary, it's an Emotion Journal!
Charlie: [To Clint, shuddering] Do keep that thing away from me, along with the pink, fuzzy, strawberry-scented, heavily bejeweled pen you use to write in it!
Alice: I know, right? He could have someone's eye out with tall those little charms hanging off it!
[Finally, the door of the elevator slides open revealing the hallway in which JESSIE encountered the party in the previous timeline.]
Dur: Is this the place then? [Looks around for a bazooka]
Austin: [To Alice] After seeing it they may wish they never had! [Peeks out of the elevator]
Alice: It seems to be, but I don't see any bazooka. [Points to a large door] Isn't that where that weird guy in the suit was?
Jessie was wearing a hazmat suit
;;; Jessie was wearing a hazmat suit
Shor: It certainly was!
Austin: [Tuts and rolls his eyes] Philistines and reprobates!
Alice: Do you think that maybe the weirdo in the strange suit now has a bazooka?
[Everyone turns to look at AUSTIN.]
Alice: No! The other weirdo!
Alice: Hey! Be careful Aus, or you-know-who will have to take some time out to write about you in his Journal of Trampled Feelings!
Clint: [Pulls out his journal of trampled feelings and adds a note with a sparkly pink pen] Dear diary - when the lawyer roasts on the griddle, he shall not be alone.
Charlie: [To Alice, in a stage whisper] Shh! He [points at Clint] can hear you, and we haven't time to cope with floods of tears!
Alice: Yeesh, Clint. There is a door over there that needs kicking -- wouldn't that do more for your manliness than writing with... hey! That's my pen!
Clint: Not any more! [Applies boot A to door B] And not any more!
[CLINT bashes the door open, revealing what appears to be a bathroom, much to the surprise of (presumably) JESSIE CRAVEN, who is sitting over a bucket in the middle of the floor (about three feet away from the toilet) with his Hazmat suit on a table beside him. The suit is clearly spread out and covering something.]
Jessie:Hey! Occupado!

Jessiewithout his suit

Clint: [Gingerly lifts the hazmat suit with Alice's pen]
Dur: Ha! Caught you with your pants down! Errr.... now what do we do with him?
Shor: Perhaps we should stick his head in the bucket! Mess up his hair!
Jessie: You could start by passing me some toilet paper!
[CLINT lifts up the suit to reveal the bazooka.]
Jessie: Hey! That's private property!
Clint: [Yoinks the bazooka] Yeah, but you won't be able to use it with your head stuck in a bucket.
Jessie: My head isn't stuck in a... oh. I see. [Grimaces] At least I'm no longer constipated.
Charlie: [Wrinkles her nose] Yes, we shall leave you to pull yourself together and reconsider some of your poorer life choices!
Austin: What an odd hobby. You should try to get out more.
Jessie: I can't, not since the wall and shield came down.

Alice: You should at least use the toilet when you're... well, you know!

Jessie: The toilet? No way! Do you know what people do in them?
Austin: Urinate and defecate. That was too easy, next!
Jessie: Precisely! So why would I want my delicate tushie beside such disgusting emissions?
Austin: [Confused] Surely you each have your own personal toilets and wash rooms?
Shor: Rather than just a personal bucket?
Jessie: I wish! I have to share with some guy and some lady. I mean, sure, he buys me food and she washes my socks, but still!
Austin: You share a bucket with your parents?
Charlie: [Shudders] One hopes so, and that these are not strangers with fetishistic disorders!
Jessie: [Offended] No! Don't be ridiculous! I don't share a bucket with my parents! I am expected to share a toilet with them, though, and you should see what they do in there!
Dur: Wait, did you say the wall and shield came down?
Jessie: Of course not, don't be ridiculous! Only a fool would think that! [Stands up] That's the most insulting and degrading thing I've ever heard!

Alice: [Shielding her eyes] You totally did say it!

Jessie: Oh. [Thinks] Sorry about that, when I said down, I mean up. Dad to pass the cornflakes and instead I accidentally stabbed him in the face with a spoon.
Shor: You have some serious parental issues! Wait a minute, what are you going to do with our bazooka?
Jessie: What the hell is a bazooka? I mean.. [looks over at the bazooka] that's my bazooka. Go get your own!
Austin: That is our bazooka, and we know how to use it. Relinquish all claims to it now or Mr Scar will read his diary to you.
Dur: [Looks at Austin in shocked horror] You monster! Err…. I mean… forgot what side I was on their for a minute. [Looks at Jessie sympathetically] Just give us what we want, man. No one should be subjected to THAT kind of torture!
n=E2=80=A6 forgot what side I was on their for a minute. [Looks at Jessie s= ympathetically] Just give us what we want, man. No one should be subjected = to THAT kind of torture! Jessie: No! Get your own bazooka! Anyway, I love reading other people's diaries -- you should hear what Mom and Dad get up to when I'm not in the house!

Alice: [Covers her eyes again] Aw, god! Please, please for the love of god, make him put on pants!
Dur: Well, at least we TRIED to do this the easy way! [Dur tries to take the bucket and shove it on Jessie's head]
[In one surprisingly swift and smooth movement (unlike JESSIE's one earlier!) DUR snatches the bucket and upends it over JESSIE, much to his surprise and, to the party's horror, apparent enjoyment.]
Alice: Can someone please put some pants on him? Or at least through a towel, or, er, sheet, over that thing? Jessie: Hey! What's going on?
Dur: Or we could, you know, leave. I think our 'business' here is concluded? [Dur also tries to snatch the hazmat suit, just in case.]
Alice: Maybe he could tell us the best place to use the bazooka?

Jessie: [Still with the bucket on his head] I could! I could! I know the best place to use the bazooka! [Short pause] What does the bazooka do?
Austin: You can use it in various ways. We are going to use it to free the people from oppression! [Pauses] I mean save the world!
Jessie: That's what I was going to do with it too! [Takes his bucket off] Well, once I had established that it couldn't be used as a sex toy. It can't, right?
Charlie: [Shaking her head solemnly] No, it cannot. [Brightens] But you can help it fulfil its destiny by suggesting a good place to blow a hole in the wall!
Jessie: There's no good place to blow a hole in the wall, not since the shield went up. [Peers at the bazooka] Are you sure it can't be used as a sex toy?
Shor: It would probably end very badly for you!
Alice: What do you mean there's no good place to blow a hole in the wall?

Jessie: It can't be done with the shield in place. Impossible!
Dur: What if the shield was down? Hypothetically speaking?
On 10/19/2018 11:14 AM, Day, Kevin R (Irving) USA

Ugh, sorry gang.  This week has been ludicrous.  I got my 3rd peer
review request this week earlier today, and I'm finishing writing a couple of papers with coauthors from 3
different time zones, including one in France, and then there's
trying to do my actual job, i.e. research.  I've been swaaaaaamped.
Science is so much less glamorous than Charlie thinks it is.
Principally it seems to involve paperwork.  =)
So you are an ACTUAL scientist Tom? Neat. It's funny to think that I have been playing games with you lot for over 12 years now and I still know very little about you all on a personal level XD
-----Original Message----- From: Tom Henderson


Sent: Friday, October 19, 2018

2:50 PM

To: Day, Kevin R (Irving) USA ; Conor Ryan ; Colin Dinan

Cc: Heather Goggans ; dom ; Tom Henderson ; QV Logger


Re: [qv] 10.010.070 On 10/19/2018

11:14 AM, Day, Kevin R (Irving) USA

Ugh, sorry gang.  This week has been ludicrous.  I got my 3rd peer review request this week earlier today, and I'm finishing writing a couple of papers with coauthors from 3 ;;; different time zones, including one in France, and then there's trying to do my actual job, i.e. research.  I've been swaaaaaamped.
Science is so much less glamorous than Charlie thinks it is.
Principally it seems to involve paperwork.  =)
On 10/19/2018 02:55 PM, Day, Kevin R (Irving) USA

;; So you are an ACTUAL scientist Tom? Neat. It's funny to think that I have been playing games with you lot for over 12 years now and I still know very little about you all on a personal level XD
I'm a research scientist at Rice.  Conor is a computer scientist in
academia in some way that involves going back and forth between the US and Ireland
and for some reason I seem to remember that Dom is also an academic
of some sort.  I could be wrong!
Jessie: Then if you had something capable of creating an explosion or firing a canon, you could probably burst right through.
Charlie: [Nods] I see! And how would one remove these shields?
Austin: We could ask them nicely to take them down?
Jessie: We could, but they'd be as likely to actually do it as that lady who washes my socks would be bother ironing them! [To Charlie] I don't know how to take them down, but there are weird looking handles in this room. Maybe they are related?
Shor: Where are the handles?
Jessie: [Points to one end of the room] There. [Then to the other end, which is about thirty feet away] And there.
[The handles are large metal grips, although it isn't clear how or even if they move.]
Alice: What happens you try them?

Jessie: I fell of the chair.

Alice: But they're only three foot off the ground.

Jessie: Yep.
Austin: Well, we should try those immediately. Mr Scan and Mr Rag can operate one each, at the same time?
Alice: Austin! Do you really think we should let Dur operate on anything?
Dur: Better that I operate a lever now than have to try and put you back together later, don't you think?
Alice: [Stares at Dur for a moment before turning to Clint, clapping her hands] Come on, Stinky! This lever won't just pull itself!
Just in case Tom's ludicrous week is bleeding into this

Clint: I'll pull the hell out of this lever. Doc, when you're ready!

Alice: On the count of three... one, two...
If either Kevin or Tom post, we'll say they both pull
the lever at the same time. Or, if someone wants
to sneak in some inappropriate remark about pulling
this a good time for it!
Dur: Wait, are we pulling ON three, or AFTER three?
Couldn't resist!
Clint: I thought we were pulling on five?

Alice: Oh my god! Just pull them already!
[Somehow CLINT and DUR pull in perfect unison. Nothing happens. They push in perfect unison. Nothing happens. They heave. They heft. They pant. They grunt. Not even a tiny movement.]
Alice: Whatever we need to do, it's not that.
Charlie: How disappointing! [Scans the room for other things to tug or push] Could we try something else?
Alice: [Running her hand along the wall] I think there's absolutely nothing else here. [Shrugs] Weren't we supposed to make a key?
Shor: Well yes, but nobody knows what that means or how we go about it
Alice: Or even where the lock is!

Jessie: This is The Lock!
Dur: And? What about they key?
Austin: Perhaps we are the key? In the vision we all had our hands on the wall when it opened?
Shor: It's definitely worth a try!
Clint: I've said that about most of the worst experiences in my life!
Bad week not bleeding over, I just slept way way in today!  Down to
my last two referee reports and then back to regular service.
Amusingly (?) one of the papers has been rejected 4 times and the
correspondence between the authors and the referee has become
increasingly acrimonious and personal.  The editor has asked me for
a report to "help resolve the controversy."  Ordinarily I'd make an
excuse and run the other direction, but as it happens I'm submitting
to the same journal later this week, so that seems unwise.  Science!
I assume computer science and english are just as full of bitter
personal feuds over trivial things.  =)
[Slowly everyone places a hand on the wall, followed by their second one. Still nothing happens.]
Jessie: Oh! I know! I know! [Places his hands on the wall] Alice: Somehow, even less has happened!
;; I assume computer science and english are just as full of bitter
No, it's all quiet cooperation and the civilised exchange and
debate of ideas.
For example, take a look at one my recent papers. I was
particularly proud of the "thinly veiled attack" phrase
being front and centre:
"A rebuttal to Whigham, Dick, and Maclaurin by one
of the inventors of Grammatical Evolution"
in Genetic Programming and Evolvable Machines
See? We're all friends!
Charlie: [To Jesse] How do you know this is The Lock?
Jessie: That's what everyone here calls it.

Alice: Why is there a toilet in the lock?

Jessie: There's always a lock on toilet, that's just commonsense. Otherwise the Sock Lady would keep bursting in on you and be all like "Hey, that's not what I clean socks for!"
Shor: Do you know why they call it the lock?
Jessie: Because this is the room where the shield can be turned off. I don't know what's so special about it or even how it works though. Hey, did you say that you had made a key?

Alice: No.

Jessie: Oh, that's a pity, because that would be handy. [Looks around the room thoughtfully] But where would the key go? Literally the only things in here are the handles.
Austin: [Searches the room] Perhaps something i hidden beyond sight?
Alice: Could it be the toilet?
[AUSTIN searches everywhere except the toilet and finds nothing.]
Jessie: No, I bring it in each day with me?
Austin: Could it be in the toilet room? Perhaps Mr Scar to check?
Dur: Wait! I think I’m getting an idea. [Burps deeply] Nope. Just gas….  
gas=E2=80=A6. Alice: Alas, Aus, this is the toilet room. [Points at the toilet] So look, this room is The Lock, and we think we have to do something with those handles, and our future selves told us that we have to make a key, and all we know is that we're all in some way involved.

Jessie: And me!

Alice: No, you're just some sad loser with Mommie issues.
Charlie: [Examines the handles] Perhaps we could try putting our hands on these at the same time? [To Jessie] Not you, though. No offense!
Jessie: Offence taken!

Alice: Which one should we put our hands on though? [Points to handle #1] This or the other one [handle #2]. They are about thirty feet apart, so although we could all put our hands on one, it's not like one of us can touch both at the same time.
Dur: What if we form a chain by holding hands and then try pulling the levers?
Austin: It's worth a try I suppose. [Sighs]
Jessie: Okay, but I'll only join in the chain if everyone takes off their pants!
[Ignoring him, the party form a chain, with DUR at one end and CLINT at the other. CLINT grabs onto one lever and, as soon as DUR touches the other one, everyone jerks up straight as energy flows through them. The two levers light up brightly before the entire wall in front of them slides down. There is another one behind it, but it looks like a normal, bazookable type.]
Alice: It worked! Dur, you're a gen-- oh man, I hate when he does that. Now we'll never hear the end of it!
Dur: [With his pants around his ankles] Hey! I thought we were all going to do it!
Alice: [Irritated] Am I really the only one here not wearing flouncy underwear?
Austin: Possibly.
Alice: But it's laundry day, Aus, don't you see? Otherwise I'd be totes flounce too!
Austin: Well of course you would, what else would you be wearing! [To Alice] Would you care to try the Bazooka?
Clint: Don't worry, Bimbo, I'm not wearing flouncy underwear! Fire away!
Jessie: You know, there's about to be another Destabilising Event any second now. If that bazooka thing makes much noise, it might attract some attention.

Alice: [Picks it up] I'm sure it'll be fine. [Fires it at the wall, sending Jessie scrambling for shelter]

Jessie: What the hell?
[The room is filled with dust, which slowly starts to clear. The wall is clearly damaged but hasn't collapsed. Meanwhile, sirens blare and the party can hear footsteps fast approaching.]
Alice: Huh. I thought that would knock the whole thing down.
Charlie: [Assessing the damage] Perhaps another blast is in order?!
Clint: Do we have more ammunition? [Shoulders the wall speculatively]
Alice: No! That was it!
[Just before CLINT hits the wall a bunch of HARMA officers appear, led by GAVID, who had been leading the questioning in the previous timeline, along with LINDA, the super punchy HARMA officer who AUSTIN appears to be having some sort of disturbing affair with.]
Linda: [Clearly not able to see the damage in the wall because of where the party are standing] What the hell was that noise? What are you people doing? You are about to be arrested and punched, punched a lot, as a matter of fact! You know what, forget that! Maybe we'll just kill you here and now! What do you say to that?
Austin: [Carefully takes of his jacket. To Linda] Perhaps you and I can settle this one on one?
Linda: No! No more thinking with the little Linda! [To the HARMA Officers] Prepare to shoot!
[The party spot that the wall is starting to creak. Clearly it is on the verge of falling.]
Gavid: No! You know they are parts of many High Energy Events! You can't do that!
Dur: [Aside to the group] Perhaps this is the part of the vision where we all touch the wall together, but instead of just touching it, maybe we were pushing it down?
Linda: Don't you touch it! If you do, things will be worse for you!

Alice: Worse than killing us?

Linda: Well... yes!

Alice: [To Dur] Sounds like that wall is looking to be groped!
Dur: Excellent! Grope is my middle name! All together group! [Tries to push on the wall]
Austin: [Puts his jacket back on] Keep your hands to yourself please. [Pushes on the wall]
Clint: And here I thought your middle name was Ti! [Pushes on the wall.]
Alice: I think you mean "All together, grope!".
[ALICE touches the wall, along with CHARLIE and SHOR.]
Linda: You idiot weirdoes! [To the HARMA officers] Fi-uh!
[The entire wall comes crashing down, revealing beautiful sunlight on the party's faces for the first time in what feels like years.]
Linda: Don't you know what you've done?

Alice: Yeah! Saved Queens View from you bunch of crazies! [Smugly folds her arms] Who are the idiot weirdoes now?
[A massive DRAGON appears at the hole beside the party and gives a deafening roar scaring the bephili out of everyone.]


End of Book X, Act X. Next act coming up tomorrow!
[Book X, Act XI, Scene I. The Hole in the Wall. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and SHOR are here, cowering down from the massive dragon. At the other end of the room stand LINDA and a bunch of HARMA officers, all looking terrified, but blocking the exit.]
Alice: So, on the plus side, HARMA didn't kill us and we got the wall down, but on the possibly negative side, there's a huge scary dragon outside.
Austin: [Shaking] Perhaps you could talk to it nicely, ask it to go away?
away? Charlie: [Fumbling nervously with her notepad] It's magnificent! Hurry, we must collect data for my ground-breaking study! [To Austin, handing him a notepad] You, make a quick sketch of it! [To Alice, handing her a thermometer] You, take its temperature! [To Dur, handing him a jar] You, gather a stool sample!
Dur: No way! I’m not letting that thing turn ME into a pantswich!
we must collect data for my ground-breaking study! [To Austin, handing him = a meter] You, take its temperature! [To Dur, handing him a jar] You, gather a Alice: At least you don't have to stick this in his mouth! [Looks at the thermometer] Oh. It's way worse than I thought.
[The DRAGON sticks its head through the hole, above the party, who are crouching down by the wall and breathes a massive breath of fire into the room, catching most of the HARMA officers but leaving the party completely unharmed.]
Alice: Oh man! His breath is almost as bad as Clint's!
Dur: No way! I=E2=80=99m not letting that thing turn ME into a pantswich!

Austin: [Shakily drawing the dragon] It's not wearing pants!
Alice: [Looking appalled at the burning bodies] It could be worse Aus -- at least Clint has pants on him!
Charlie: [Gasps, looking at the crispy corpses] My notes could have been burned! [To the party] Quickly, we must find a fire-proof place to hide!
Alice: The only way out of here is through the burning corpses! Maybe we could just stay curled up here?

Dragon: [In a thunderingly loud and gravelly voice] Who are you?
Dur: [Cowering] Nobody! Nothing but charred corpses in here! You got us all! Good job!
all! Good job! Charlie: [To the dragon, waving her hand eagerly] Do not listen to that charred corpse! I am very much alive and would be delighted to speak with you about an extensive study of your feeding and breeding habits!
Dur: [To the rest of the group] Well, I guess if you are going to study the feeding habits of dragons, there is no better way than being inside it's digestive track...
Shor: [Stands up] I'm Shor Goldenhair, a hero. We are the ones who created the hole in the wall.
Austin: [Sneaks off in tears, whilst Shor is distracting the dragon, to look for Linda]
Dragon: [Slowly lifts a savagely pointed claw and points them out] Then this must be [points at Alice] Austin, [Charlie] Dur, [Clint] Charlie, Alice [to Austin] and Clint [points at Dur]?
Charlie: [Aghast] I should say not! I am Dr. Charlotte Parker-Kensington, esteemed researcher and author of innumerable well-received journal articles and several notable monographs, not a simple-minded servant who stores sandwiches in his pants! [To Dur] No offense!
Shor: You're not the best at differentiating genders, I guess! Frying them to a cinder yes, but telling them apart, no.
Austin: [Carefully searching through the corpses. sobbing] Fisty-cakes, sweet heart, are you okay?
aff oot
Clint: [Eyes the briquets that were once HARMA officials.] It doesn't seem real likely, eh?  Plenty of more fish in the sea, that sort of thing.
[FISTY CAKES is not okay, she's burned to a crispy bit.]
Dragon: [Points a gnarled finger nail at the party] I have one thing to say to you.... [takes a deep, raspy breath]
Austin: [Sobs] I sort of liked her!
awww, poor Linda!
Charlie: [Awkwardly pats Austin on the shoulder] There there! At least she died doing what she loved!
;; awww, poor Linda!
Is no one safe in this crazy world?!
Alice: Yes, she was very... er... mumble mumble. [To the Dragon] So, uh, what did you have to say to us? [Swallows hard]
[The DRAGON pulls its head up so that it is an inch away from ALICE. It is huge, and the head alone is at least six foot long. It snorts out through its nostrils, filling the air with an acrid sulphur smell.]
Dragon: [In a super nice conversational tone] I just wanted to say thanks! You guys are the best!
;;; awww, poor Linda!
;; Is no one safe in this crazy world?!
Charlie: [To the dragon, delighted] How kind of you! [Hesitates] Er, how do you know us, again?
Austin: [Straightens his cuff and stands up] I expect that we are famous through out history, for saving the world so many times?
Dragon: [Laughs so hard that soot comes down his nose, before composing himself] Yeah, sure! Actually, I was sent here to recruit you. You lot have the reputation of being FODs.
Austin: FODs? Could you expand that TLA?
Dragon: Friends of Demons!

Alice: Huh! Some of us have been more than friends, if you know what I mean! [Glares pointedly at Charlie]

Dragon: I know! You were married to one, right?
He means Bonald Rump

Alice: Uh... sure, [defensively] but I did kill him and eat his brain!

Dragon: You don't get much more demony than that!
;; He means Bonald Rump
Austin: Apart from those of us who have eaten hundreds of demons! [Proudly] That's more demony , [Ponders] Although I was not married to any of them, just hungry.
Clint: It's always nice to meet a fan!
Charlie: [To the dragon, excited] As FODs, are we entitled to any benefits? And do F&FODs qualify for extra benefits?! [To the party, explaining] Friends and Family of Demons, naturally.
Dragon: Sure! You don't get killed instantly!
Clint: Now that's a benefits package I think we can all appreciate.
Austin: [To the Dragon] So, what's the plan?
Shor: Not a slow death, hopefully!
Dragon: No, no, it won't be *slow*. At least not for all of you. Why don't you hop on my back and I'll take you to the Cliff of Misery?
Austin: That does not sound like a fun place, why would we want to go there?
there? Charlie: [Nods emphatically] Indeed, I should prefer the Cliff of Good Cheer!
Dragon: Nah, the Cliff of Misery is way more fun than it sounds, and the Cliff of Good Cheer has been less fun since it fell into the ocean. Also, if you don't come with me I'll kill you all.
Austin: I can't speak for the rest of you on this occasion, but I find that argument very persuasive. [Gets on the dragon]
Shor: [Jumps on the dragon] Few would counter argue it! What is at the cliff of misery?
Dur: [Hopping on the dragon’s back] Why would you have to kill us? I thought we were friends?
? I thought we were friends? Dragon: Did you?

Alice: [Climbs on] Are you wearing any pants?

Dragon: Nah, I'm going commando, baby! You haven't lived until you've pooed on someone from the air! The Cliff Of Misery is where The Gang of Four hang out.
Clint: [Boarding] I see... Say, does this flight come with a meal?
Dur: [Produces two sandwiches from his pants and offers one to Clint] Pantswich?
Austin: I expect they have laid a buffet out for us on the cliff. What do the Gang of Four want with us?
Dragon: [Looks at Clint and licks his lips] It sure does. [To Austin as he takes off, now with everyone on his back] I'm not sure. There was some disagreement when I left. It was a fairly even split.
Charlie: [To the dragon] And who are the Gang of Four? What is their mission statement, etc?
Dragon: I think it's best that we wait until we get there before I tell you any of that. I wouldn't want to have any jumpers now, would I?
Shor: Can you give us a few hints?
Dragon: This party knows most of them. Well, at least, they know most of the original Gang of Four.
Austin: Iok? Dangsten? Surely not!
Charlie: [Excited] Oh, is it the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse?! How thrilling!
Dragon: They're way scarier than those guys.

Alice: The *original* Gang of Four? What are they now?

Dragon: Not sure, but they change from time to time. You know, the Band of Five, the Clan of Six, the short-lived and poorly organised Loose Association of a hundred and twenty four.
Charlie: [Shakes her head primly] I do not care for the sound of that last group at all! At least we are dealing with a group that respects structure and organization. [To Dragon] Why should we be scared of a sensibly well-organized group?!
Austin: [Does a double take at Charlie] What, like HARMA? Because they destroyed the world? [To the Dragon] Oh! Darius, Mr Boddy? Peter?
Dragon: [Big smile] You guys know Peter Deadpan?
Austin: [Enthusiastically] Yes, he's awesome isn't he! What a great guy! [Sighs in satisfaction] We have know him for aeons!
[Sighs in satisfaction] We have know him for aeons! Charlie: [Shudders] Really? It seems to me we see him constantly!
Dragon: He's great! If it wasn't for him I'd never have quit smoking!
Clint: Spreading cheer and joy throughout the land, that's what he does!
Alice: Who else is there?

Dragon: That depends, doesn't it?
Clint: How many Gangs of Four have their been and do they share any members?
Dur: All I want to know is if they have any food! My pantswich reserves are running dangerously low!
are running dangerously low! Charlie: [To Dur, in a low voice] Do be quiet! Do you really want to put the idea of a quick snack in the mind of this creature?!
Shor: [Shudders] It would be warmer at least in the belly of the beast! And this wind is wreaking havoc on my perfect hair! I almost look, tousled!
Dragon: Now that you say it, I am getting quite peckish! [To Clint] There has really only been one Gang of Four, but the membership varies, so yeah, there's overlap.

Alice: And sometimes there is more than four in the Gang of Four?

Dragon: Yup.
Charlie: [Disapprovingly] How absurd! It sounds like just the sort of nonsense that Mr. Deadpan would endorse!
Dragon: Doesn't it? [Big smile] He's just great! Once he put a banana on either side of his heads and said he had horns. It was the funniest thing ever!

Alice: [Deadpan] Yes. It sounds hilarious.

Dragon: You guys will like the Gang of Four. It's all great fun all the ti - huh! [Looks down for a moment]
Austin: [Very much not looking down] What is it?
Dragon: Huh. Look at all those people down there!

Alice: [Peers over the side] Wow! They're so teeny tiny! What are they doing?

Dragon: It looks like they're refugees. Things in the Realms are pretty crazy right now. They must be fleeing away from danger.
doing? Charlie: And what is the Gang of Four position on the [finger quotes] craziness in the Realms?
Shor: Are they fleeing towards, or away from the direction we are heading?
Dragon: [To Charlie] Hang on a second, [to Shor] they're kind of at an angle to it, but watch this!
[The DRAGON swoops in fast and breathes a devastating blast of fire into the refugees, setting many of the alight and destroying all sorts of makeshift vehicles, all while the party cling on for dear life.]
Dragon: [Roaring with laughter as he pulls up, before turning back to Charlie] What was that again?
Austin: I think she was asking what the Gang of Four are trying to achieve?
Clint: Some kind of humanitarian relief, perhaps?
On Wed, 31 Oct 2018 at 16:02, Tom Henderson


Alice: I think maybe what she meant was are you out of your tiny mind?

Dragon: First off, it's not tiny, it's the size of a large garden shed. Second, I'm a dragon, this is what I do. What did you think?

Alice: I thought you were one of the nice ones!

Dragon: [Swooping back down and flaming another bunch of panicking refugees] I am one of the nice ones!
Charlie: [Horrified] Well, do stop burning people alive whilst we have important business to attend to with the famed Gang of Four or So!
Clint: Yeah, I think our meeting probably is more important than incinerating a bunch of random refugees, right?  [Coaxingly] They'll probably have talon food for you at the meeting anyway!
Shor: That was really unnecessary!
Dragon: Of course it was! [Winces] Ow! Hey! I've just been shot! The cheek of them!
Austin: Surely if you attack them you can expect them to retaliate?
Charlie: [Quickly] Indeed, and surely the activities of pitiful creatures such as these are beneath your notice? No need to roast anyone! Your point has been made and your dominance asserted!
Dragon: It wasn't one them -- it was one of you!
Dur: Certainly not I, I hope!
Austin: Who would do something so stupid and reckless? [Looks at the others] Oh.
Alice: Well, it wasn't me! I hate being on a dragon when it crashes and dies, everyone knows that!
others] Oh. Charlie: Certainly, I would not do something so absurd! [To the Dragon, helpfully] Perhaps it was just an old squash injury flaring up?
Clint:And it wasn't me.. newbie? Did you shoot our ride?
Dragon: It was definitely one of you, and it's way worse than my old squash injury. We're going down!
Clint: [Holding on tight] Sounds like something Alice would say! Don't worry, we've survived her driving, we'll survive this!
Shor: Can you crash into something soft?
Dragon: And save the asshole who stabbed me? No way, I'm going to find the worst possible place to crash?

Alice: [Hopefully] Pillow factory?
Charlie: [Holding on for dear life] But how can you be sure you will not also perish in the crash?! Isn't that just giving the attacker what he/she wants?!
Dragon: Just the kind of twisted logic an attacker would use!
Austin: Errm, but also true! You could just land carefully and then work out who shot you?
Dragon: You're all part of it! You all must die! [Starts to fly out over a huge body of water]
Shor: Why would we want you dead? You just rescued us from that place! I for one, am grateful.
Dur: [Starts panicking wildly at the sight of water] Let’s be reasonable! We’re FOBs, remember?! [Dur tries to cast ENTHRALL on the Dragon]
sonable! We=E2=80=99re FOBs, remember?! [Dur tries to cast ENTHRALL on the Dragon] Charlie: [To the dragon] Wait, won't it make the Gang of Four angry if you fail to deliver us?!
[In spite of DUR's spell, the DRAGON continues his flight over the water, climbing higher and higher.]
Dragon: Sure, but I'll be dead, what do I care? Isn't that what you wanted? Murderers!
Shor: Of course that's not what we wanted! We didn't even know you existed until 5 minutes ago, when you toasted those harma goons!
Dragon: Oh, so I'm not important enough for you to know? [Climbs even higher, the air getting cold and thin now] Well, excuse me, your majesty!
Clint: Say, if someone on dragon air here stabbed our ride and it wasn't one of us, we must have a stowaway. We should find him!
Seems like email is largely back up and running. Apparently Rice
IT had a major
crash overnight. Very inconsiderate of them!
Alice: It does seem like the kind of thing she would have done, but I think she's just a crispy bit now!
[Higher and higher the dragon goes, now with smoke pouring out from under him.]
Alice: That can't be good!
Charlie: I think perhaps we had better take our chances with a water landing! [Attempts to stab the dragon]
Dragon: Ow! What the hell?

Alice: Charlie! What's going to happen when we crash?
[The dragon keeps getting higher, but starts to make a weird wheezing sound.]
Dragon: I'm starting to stall, we're too high!
Charlie: [To the dragon] Then perhaps you should reverse direction?!
Dragon: Oh, you'd LOOOOOVE that, wouldn't you?

Alice: [Peering over the edge in alarm] I think we'd all love that. [To the party] I think this guy is a total idiot! [To Dur] No offence!
Shor: There must have been some medical reason for the good doctor to try and puncture the dragon at 10000 feet above sea level!
Austin: !0,000 feet? Is that all? It looks much further to me [Looks pale]
Dur: I didn't! And I wouldn't! Anything that keeps me away from the terrible wet horror below is fine in my book! Higher! Higher!  
Alice: [Soothingly and surprisingly calm] Don't worry Aus, we're no more than eight thousand feet from the shore! [To Dur] We're not angry that you tried to stab the dragon, Dur, we just want to know why you did it?

Dragon: I'm pretty angry about it! And by the way, we might be only eight thousand feet from the short, but we're 15,000 feet in the air.

Alice: Eeek! We're all gonna die!
Clint: Are you sure you didn't get shot by a random refugee who didn't want to be incinerated? That seems more likely than the doc choosing to stab you, and much more likely than him choosing to stab you and then doing a good job of it!
Dragon: [Still climbing, although sputtering and wheezing in the cold, thin air] Huh, maybe you've got a point there, but still, it's a bit of a cheek isn't it? What the hell is wrong with them?
Austin: [Deadpan] You would think that they would be more appreciative of the warmth you provided, not to mention the barbq.
Dragon: I know, right? I mean, what the hell? I've a good mind to [stalls and passes out]

Alice: Uh, that can't be good!
Shor: No, not very good at all! Perhaps if we keep his wings extended, we can glide the 8000 feet back to shore!
Clint: We'll do that, and while we do, doc, patch up our dragon! How different can it really be from patching up a person? I mean, sure, you don't know anything about dragon physiology, but, well...
Dur: In my defense, I don't know that much about human physiology either! [Tries casting a cure spell on the Dragon]
Austin: [Grimly holding on] I recommend leaving your defence to some one else!
Your hard-working GM is stuck in a meeting at the
moment, so I think the game will likely be paused
all of today. Or at least until he can get his priorities
back in proper order!
On Tue, Nov 6, 2018 at 4:23 AM dom

[DUR's spell doesn't seem to have much impact, and the DRAGON begins to plummet down, making a deafening sound like World War 2 airplane about to crash into the sea. A bunch of oxygen masks fall from the roof.]
Alice: [Hanging on for dear life, face contorted by the wind] That can't be good!
Apologies for yesterday!
Austin: [Grabs a mask and puts it on] Crash positions!
Charlie: [Fumbles for a mask, frantic] Perhaps the water will cushion the impact! [Brightens] It would be wonderful to survive this, as it would make a marvelous addition to my study on dragons!
Alice: And also, you know... we'd be alive!!! [Reaches under her seat and pulls out the life jacket bag] Wouldn't want to plummet 20,000 feet into the sea on the back of a passive dragon without one of these babies! [Fumbles through the bag and pulls out a piece of paper] What the hell? "IOU one lifejacket"?
Shor: [Enthusiastically] We are plummeting really quickly! In fact we may be the fastest things in the world right now!
Alice: [Wailing] We are plummeting really quickly! In fact we may be the fastest things in the world right now!
[The party career towards the sea, faster and faster.]
Shor: Mind you, that salt water is going to play havoc with my perfectly conditioned hair! [Bashes the dragon on the head] Wake up!
Clint: [Bracing for the crash, and buckling his safety belt] I see you got your medical training from the same place Dur got his!
Austin: [Reading a laminated piece of paper] Read the safety instructions! Is this a Black Dragon 5A or 4B?
instructions! Is this a Black Dragon 5A or 4B? Charlie: [To Austin, exasperated] Do be serious! How can we determine that if we cannot see and measure his genitals?!
Alice: For god's sake, Aus! Don't just jump to the end of the instructions! [Grabs it and flips it around to read] "Congratulations on the purchase of your new dragon! This instruction booklet refers to Black Dragon 5A, 4B, 3X, Yellow Dragon 4, Blue Dragon 8 and Krupps Toastermatic 4000." [Shows the party] Huh, look at that, it's a toaster AND it's got a clock!
Shor: [Looking at the instructions] The Toaster matic 4000, the ultimate in clock based toasting dragon technology. Toasts your bread in four thousanths of a second!
Alice: Actually, it's kind of funny when you think about it, you know, as we're about to be toast anyway! [Laughs and then stops] Hey!
[The DRAGON smashes into the water at what feels like a thousand miles an hour, plunging deep into the icy water, almost certainly killing everyone on board.]
Or does it?? Tune in again next scene to find out!
Coming up shortly after breakfast!
[Book X, Act XI, Scene II. The Icy Water. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT and SHOR are here, each bursting to the surface, gasping for air.]
Alice: Wow! Is everyone okay?
Charlie: [Nods in astonishment] Yes, but how is it possible?! According to the laws of science and stuff, we should have all died horribly and instantly! [Gasps] And without publishing my ground-breaking findings on dragons!
Alice: [Looks around] But where's Dur?
Charlie: [Looks around hurriedly] No doubt he cannot swim, pitiful thing! [Calls out] Dur! Flail around a bit and we will come save you!
[The water is quite rough and there's a strong wind blowing, so it's tough even for the non-pathetic party members to stay afloat.]
Alice: Oh no! Poor Dur! It's his worst nightmare -- dying while getting cleaned!
[The water is quite rough and there's a strong wind Austin: I doubt that he can distinguish the two! Where is the auto inflating life raft? [Looks around] Which way to the shore?
Alice: I can barely even see, the water's so rough. Hang on, can anyone else hear that?
[Just audible over the sound of the water comes what appears to be a woman counting; 300, 301...]
Alice: [Points in the direction] I think it's coming from there!
Charlie: [Calls out] We can hear you, Dur! We are coming for you! [Tries to swim toward the voice]
[The party slowly and painfully fight their way towards it and see a small pier. The water smashes down on them as they try to pull themselves onto it, all the while hearing the count; "350, 531...".]
Alice: I think there's a small house on the pier. Maybe it's coming from in there?
Clint: Could be! [Heads for the little house on the pier E]
Austin: [heads for the house] I hope they have a nice hot stove and soup!
[The party get to the pier but can't get out of the water, as it is so rough it just throws them hard against it as the counting continues "396, 397..."]
Alice: Gah! Look at that! There's a life belt on the pier! If only we could reach it!
[An almighty wave slams AUSTIN hard onto the pier and he grabs onto it, pulling himself out of the water.]
Austin: [Drags himself on to his feet. Points at the life belt] Come on you lot! One of you should throw the life belt for the others! [Sighs and goes to get the life belt, making sure one end is tied to the pier, then throws it to Alice] Do I have to do everything myself!
Alice: [Grabs onto the belt just as Charlie and Clint pull themselves out too] Thanks Aus! [Climbs out and helps Austin haul Shor onto the pier]
[The voice continues "475, 476..."]
Alice: It's definitely not Dur, but it is coming from that house.
Clint: Poor Dur may be some fish's pantswich. To the house!
Austin: Where is that dammed Dur chap? [Scans the ocean. To the party] I'm sorry, but it is really bad form to leave a servant to drown. We must do what we can! [Throws the life belt back in] Okay, let's go [Heads to the house]
Alice: Poor old Dur. He was such a good... uh, well, hm. Poor old Dur, anyway.
[The party turn to the house and are surprised to see a woman sitting looking directly out the window at them, brushing her long blonde hair and counting. This is SHARESHEE LANNIGAN.]
Shareshee: 498, 499, 500. [Looks over the party] You're very wet.


Shor: Vey observant, and we are also dishevelled! May I borrow your brush?
Clint: Say, you didn't see that dragon crash? Was there a scrawny servant type who made his way to shore already?
Shareshee: [To Shor] Certainly not! This hairbrush is priceless -- the handle made from baby elephant tusks and the bristles made from hedgehog spines marinated in a delightful vintage of cognac for 12 years. [Looks at Clint] A dragon crash? What on [dramatic sigh] earth are you talking about?
Austin: Oh, just another dragon crash. That's a very nice hair brush, where did you have it designed?
Charlie: [To Shareshee, helpfully] Perhaps you are too self-involved to notice large objects falling from the sky right in front of you? [To the others] I suppose counting brush strokes is terribly taxing for some.
Shareshee: [Looks Charlie up and down, frowning at her hair] I should say that that's rather obvious. How far did you get, dear? Two? [To Austin] By an artist in his nineties who lives in a remote village high in the mountains. He use to make but two of these a year; when he would finish one, the entire population from the nearby village would throw celebration, [wrinkles her nose in disgust] BrushFest, or some such, I believe, and queue for hours just to get a look at the hair of one of the test models.
Charlie: [Smoothing her hair down self-consciously. Haughtily] It appears you will be of no help to us and our likely dying or dead servant, so we must be off!
Shareshee: [Looks at herself in a mirror, admiring her perfect make up] While I am sure that the death of one servant is tiresome, it hardly warrants such rudeness and aggression towards me. I am quite sure that if you knew who I am, what my position is and where you are trespassing, you wouldn't threaten me so.
Austin: So who are you, what is your position, and why is it that we are trespassing?
Shareshee: [Standing up] I am Princess Shareshee of House Lannigan! Ruler of this domain! Protector of the land! You are trespassers because you have come into my private Both House!

Alice: What's a Both House?

Shareshee: Impudent fool! It is a house that's both a house and a boat!
Austin: So you would like us to leave?
Shareshee: You may shower me with expensive gifts. If so, I shall consider not having you beheaded and fed to the swans.
Shor: I'm sure the old man [gestures towards Clint] could shower you with lice, but that's about it.
Sharesee: Lace? Go ooooon!
Clint: [Considers saying something about a golden shower, but decides to keep it rated PG instead.]
Alice: If she's the ruler of the land, how come she's in here by herself, where any bunch of [vague gesture at the party] weirdoes, perverts and stalkers could just wander in and kill her?

Sharesee: Silence, vile trollop!
Charlie: [To Sharesee, haughtily] Despite what her clothing, hair, and make-up choices suggest, Alice is not as morally ambivalent regarding sexual relationships as one might assume! In fact, she has a tendency to make inappropriate matches with disinterested men and cling to them, so in a way she is rather a strong proponent of monogamy!
Alice: [Defiantly] Yeah!

Sharesee: How dreadfully boring. [Starts to brush her hair again] Why are you here? Tell me and tell me quickly before I summon the Royal Personal Guard to throw you into the sea.
Shor: You could summon the Royal Guard to help us look for our esteemed missing doctor!
Sharesee: First of all, it is not [with disdain] the Royal Guard, it is the Royal Personal Guard! And why should I waste their time on you?
[Everyone's attention is drawn to a cough from the doorway. This is CELLO HANNIGAN.]
Cello: Oh please. Is she yakking about her Personal Royal Guard again?


Shor: It seems to be a favourite topic of conversation!
Charlie: [Nods knowingly] Oh, I see! [In a low voice] She is a delusional sort that one humors, the way we did with Dur's fancies about being a doctor! [To Sharesee, placatingly] Yes, you are terribly important!
Austin: Almost as important as me.
Sharesee: I'm way more important than you, and my hair is far, far nicer!
[Storms off in a huff, having to walk around CELLO, who's blocking most of the doorway.]
Cello: [To the party] What's your story? Some sort of invaders?
Austin: No. We were kidnapped by a Dragon, and then we killed the dragon and it crashed just off the pier.
Clint: And our beloved doctor slash servant is missing!
Austin: [Adds hastily] Although we don't call him Doctor Slash to his face, obviously.
Cello: Kidnapped by a dragon, eh? Sounds highly unlikely, but I like your style. [Smiles] And I like that you have so enraged Sharesee, and honestly, any group who have a friend called Dr. Slash sound like someone I want to party with -- unless he's some sort of monster who performs horrific surgeries on people, then I'd have to kill you.

Alice: What if he didn't deliberately perform horrific surgeries? What if it's just incompetence?

Cello: Then as long as he doesn't perform any on me, I probably wouldn't have any problem with him.
Charlie: Oh, we try to prevent him from performing any surgeries at all, and have him fetch things for us instead. [Sighs] Though now that he is missing and presumed dead, I fear he will be of even less use to us now!
Sharesee: This is all a lie, a total fabrication designed to deceive us into telling them about the jewel!
Shor: I assure you it's all the truth!
[SHARESEE steps back in once more.]
Sharesee: Lie! [Races back out] Cello: This whole dragon thing seems a bit unlikely, but I'll go along with your story. [Gestures to a chest] There are some dry clothes there and [produces a bottle of brandy from a nearby cupboard] this will warm you up. In the meantime, you can tell me who you are and what you're up to.
Austin: [Tries to find the finest suit or clothes] Well,I'm Austin Sleaze, the leader of this rabble, and our legal representative. We spend most of our time trying to save the world, and partying. [Casually checks his nails] This is the Sarge [Introduces Charlie] and the Hench [Introduces the rest of the party] and Alice [Introduces Alice]
[The clothes are all somewhat old fashioned, mainly Renaissance type ones, with lots of puffy sleeves, long dresses and pantaloons. AUSTIN finds the closest approximation to a suit, a fine silken affair involving tight pants and puffy sleeves.]
Alice: [Getting changed] Actually, I think you'll find that I'm the leader of the rabble! My trusty sidekicks often like to pretend that they're in charge. [Examines her completely over the top gown in the mirror] Hm, not bad, although a bit long. [It comes down to her ankles] Cello: The name's Cello Hannigan. Good to meet you. [Pause] I think you'll find that that's actually a curtain. The dresses are slightly longer.
Charlie: [To Cello, fishing out a long-sleeved floor-length drab grey dress with a fiendishly high and elaborate lace collar] Splendid to meet you! We are seeking our lost companion, Dur. Timid, pasty fellow? Always hungry and often reaching into his pants?
Cello: His own pants? [Thinks] Hm.
[There's a knock in the window and the party see SHARESEE outside.]
Sharesee: Liars! [Ducks down]

Cello: Doesn't sound familiar.

Alice: Where *are* we?

Cello: This is Townagain.
Shor: Is she safe to be left outside without supervision?
Cello: She's fine. I give her the occasional punch to keep her in line. She doesn't much like it but everyone else thinks it's great.
Austin: You are not, but any chance, related to Spruce, or Geneva Hannigan, are you?
Cello: Spruce? Yeesh, I hope not. There are no hippy-trippy names in my family. If I had relation called Spruce I'd punch her in the face.
Austin: [Considers this] So how long have you been in Townagain?
Cello: All my life.
Clint: Life sentence, eh? That's tough!
Taking the car in for its annual inspection, don't expect much
internet service!
Cello: It could be worse -- I could spend my whole time brushing my hair, like Sharesee. She has very punchable hair.
Shor: What did she mean about a jewel?
Charlie: [Nods understandingly] Oh, indeed! You show admirable restraint. Perhaps you could assist us in searching the shore for our companion?
Cello: Oh, it's what everyone in Townagain is talking about. Some fabulous shiny sparkling thing that someone found. [To Charlie] I could try to get some of the townspeople if they're not too busy gazing at the jewel.
Austin: That sounds like we should investigate the situation. [Adds] Someone may have seen Dur.
Alice: [Lowly to Austin] You want to steal the jewel, don't you?
Austin: [Quietly to Alice] No, that would be unethical, foolish and reckless.
Alice: Oh! [Gives Austin a big stagey wink] Gotcha! We're not gonna steal no jewel, no sir!
[Everyone's attention is drawn to another one of the windows, where SHARESEE is outside, knocking angrily.]
Sharesee: Liars!
Charlie: [Looking at Sharesee, alarmed] She seems rather disturbed, doesn't she? Perhaps we should go and admire the jewel!
Clint: [Grabs the bottle of brandy that Cello put out and knocks some back] What's the rush? Cello here has the right idea!

Cello: [To Charlie] Sure, but you probably want to have a better story than you crashed here on the back of a dragon.
Clint: What are the odds that Dur *is* the jewel, do you think?
Alice: You have actually met, him, right, Stinky? [To Cello] What's a better story than crashing on the back of a dragon? How about we flew here with wings made out a two dozen chickens and a bunch of glue?

Cello: It might be better, but it's even less believable!
Shor: We could just say we were in a shipwreck. But then we are exactly what she claims we are, liars!
Cello: Ship [frowns] wreck? I'm not sure what that means.
Charlie: You are familiar with the concept of a ship, one assumes? [Whips out a soggy notepad and sketches a pitiful little boat]
Cello: [Shakes her head slowly] What is it? Some sort of hat?
Charlie: [Surprised] Do your people not travel by water?!
Cello: [Laughs] Of course not! Why, you might as well ask if we travel by steak! Water is for drinking -- some people think it's for washing, but, meh, that's an over rated waste of water.
Austin: [Visibly cringes] How in the Realms do you stay clean if you don't wash?
Cello: Washing's overrated! [Snorts with derision] You're as bad as Sharesee!
Austin: [Looks at Sharesee] We muyst not stay here to long, we don't want to end up like her!
Cello: Yeah, that constant preening is very annoying! She brushes her hair so much I'm surprised there's any left!
Clint: [Anxiously] You people have heard of alcohol, though, right? As an alternative to drinking water?
Shor: In the name of all things holy and unholy, where are we? Are we in the old man's version of heaven?
Cello: Don't like brandy, eh, pretty boy?
Shor: To drink, yes in moderation, not to bathe in!
Clint: Seems like heaven to me! Now we just need some nerds to pick on, a few brawls to pass the time, and it's practically utopia.
Cello: Let's go to Quincy, there's bound to be a bunch there!
Charlie: Oh, how marvelous! Is there a library in Quincy? Or a top-notch research university?!
Austin: They might not have gone much beyond building the students union.
Cello: It's way better than that -- it's a bar!
Austin: [Hopefully] No books?
Cello: [Laughs] Only the one they use to prop up one of the tables!
Charlie: How barbaric! [To the party] Certainly, that is no place for civilized people!
Alice: [Rubs her hands together gleefully] I think we're finally home!
Shor: Well, if that's where the path takes me, then let's go!
Austin: Phew! That's a relief. Let us go and drown our sorrow of the recent pasing of our late sla ... servant ...Errm, Dirt? Dur! [Frowns. To Alice] He was called Dur, yes?
Alice: That's cold, Aus, real cold. You know full well his name was ... um... mur?
[Exit the party.]
End of scene, next one coming right up!
[Book X, Act XI, Scene III. The Streets of Townagain. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, SHOR and CELLO are here, heading away from the house where they met SHARESEE. It is quite dark and the party can see several small one and two storey houses dotted around, as well as an absolutely enormous tower a short distance away, that looks to be at least a hundred storeys high.]
Alice: What's the story with this Quincy place? Why are there so many nerds there? Cello: Oh, they're all there to see the jewel. Geeks!
Austin: What is so geeky about seeing the jewel?
Clint: The part where they don't even try to talk to her?
Cello: [To Austin] When you see the jewel, you'll know. [To Clint, scornfully] The jewel is not a she!
[Three scantily dressed women carrying large bags barge passed the party and race towards another building, giggling with excitement. This is LEIA, MEIA and TEIA.]
Cello: Nerds!




Austin: [Watches the fan club run past] Is the jewel also called Peter?
Cello: No. [Dramatic pause] Dur.
Yes, Tom, you called it!!!
Clint: [Smugly] Hah!
;; Yes, Tom, you called it!!!
I feel so smug right now. =)
Alice: [Looks at Clint with a mixture of pity and disgust, before turning to Austin] Wow, Aus, you totally called it! [Gives him a big thumbs up] And Clint said that only a fool would think that!
;;; Yes, Tom, you called it!!!
;; I feel so smug right now. =)
Not for long!
Shor: [Delightedly] You've found the good doctor! How wonderful!
Clint: [Aggrievedly] Hey!
;; Not for long!
I mean, that's how this game works!
Alice: Austin the hero! [Gives Clint her mean look] And you couldn't his name! Poor old.... I want to say... Fur?
Austin: My, my, what a topsy-turvy place this is! [To Alice] His name is Dur, I believe. I wonder why they call him the jewel?
Shor: I would have thought that obvious, because the good doctor is an absolute treasure amongst men!
absolute treasure amongst men! Charlie: [Shakes her head, thinking] No, it can't be something as unlikely as that. Perhaps it is because his hands are often in his pants, and it is a reference to [finger quotes] family jewels, as they say in the vernacular?
Austin: Well, let's go and find out why. It seems unlikely that there is any literal reason for the name.
Alice: So Dur is alive? Austin, you really ARE a hero!
[The party and CELLO walk up to the door that LEIA, MEIA and TEIA ran into moments go. It is a bar called "Quincy".]
Cello: [Standing at the door] Sigh. So you people just want to come in and gawp at the Jewel too?
AUstin : No, not particularly, but there are times that one must do things for the greater good.
Charlie: We have no interest in gawping at our colleague, but we wish to have him rejoin the group so that we can direct him to fetch and things or perhaps taste things that might be poisonous and so forth!
Alice: We might poke him with a stick, as long as it is very, very long!
[CELLO pushes open the door to reveal a packed bar, filled with scantily dressed women, gasping and swooning, clearly all gathered around something or someone in the corner of the bar. There are plenty of men too, all clearly very happy, many high fiving and shaking hands with each other.]
Alice: This can't be our, Dur? Can it?
[Someone bangs into ALICE, shoulder to shoulder, almost knocking her down. This is WILLO' HOLLYBEA, a woman wearing more make up than everyone else in bar put together.]
Willo': He's not YOUR Dur, he's OUR Dur! [Pouts and poses as though someone is taking a photograph of her]


Austin: No, he's ours. I have his papers. He is registered, fully vaccinated, trained and insured.
Willo': [Gives a super fake laugh] Hahaha! So funny! Hashtag LOL! I'm Willo' Hollybea, who are you?

Alice: Hi Willow, I'm --

Willo': No, it's Willo'.

Alice: Uh, hi, Willo.

Willo': No. Willo'.

Alice: Willo.

Willo': No, you're still not getting it. It's [high pitched squeal] o'!

Alice: [Rolls her eyes] Hm, is it?

Willo': Hashtag saymyname, hashtag respect. [Sucks in her cheeks to do a duckface pose at another unseen camera]
Austin: [Looks around] Is your carer with you?
Shor: I'm Shor Goldenhair, a hero and a travelling companion of Durs. What do you do here, Ms Hollybea?
Dur: [Waves excitedly and calls out to the group spraying his new worshippers with bits and pieces of the feast he has been gorging himself on] Oh hey guys! Where have you all been?
On Mon 19 Nov 2018 at 14:03, Day, Kevin R (Irving) USA <>

wrote: Nice to meet you, hero, you may call me Willo'. [Poses beside him] Hashtage real life hero.

Alice: [To Dur] What the hell is going on here?
Dur: [Looks around and back at Alice a little confused] You act like you’ve never seen a feast before!
you=E2=80=99ve never seen a feast before! Charlie: [To Dur, sternly] What did I tell you about pretending to be the boss? [To Austin, wearily] This is what comes of treating serving staff like colleagues!
Dur: I did nothing of the sort! [Looks around] It's not my fault that they think I am something special! I just did what I always do, ran away screaming. No thanks to any of YOU I might add!
Dur: I did nothing of the sort! [Looks around] It's not my fault that they

Teia: Hey! Back off, lady! Don't you speak to the Jewel like that!

Willo': Yeah! Anyone who travels with a true hero should know that!
Clint: Anyone who traveled with a real hero would!
Willo': Ew! Why is the old guy talking to me? Hashtag smellslikedeath.
Charlie: [To Willo', perplexed] What do you mean by [finger quotes] hashtag? Is it some sort of peasant slop? [To Dur, sternly] Do avoid it if it smells like death! Likely it isn't safe to eat!
Clint: Do you really think that could stop our Dur?
I like to think that Clint smells of sex panther.
Alice: I wish we could stop your odour, Stinky!!

Willo': [To Charlie] If you have to ask, Grandma, then you're too old and enfeebled to understand. Hashtag ourworldnow. [Does the Shaka sign with her hand]

Alice: Why on earth do they think that Dur is some sort of jewel?

Cello: Because of his tattoo.
;; I like to think that Clint smells of sex panther.
He does -- a sex panther that's been dead for a few days!!
Shor: The doctor has a tattoo? What of?
Dur: I do? What does it say?
On Tue, 20 Nov 2018 at 13:01, Day, Kevin R (Irving) USA wrote:

Cello: It's on his back.
[DUR turns his back to let the party see, as the various people in the bar ooh and ah at it.]
Alice: "No regerts, never don't not give up". Yeesh, Dur, who did you get to spell that for you? Me?
[Everyone, including ALICE, roars with laughter.]
Alice: [Stops laughing after a few seconds] Hey!
[This is completely untrue. The tattoo appears to be of a labyrinth.]


labyrinth.] Charlie: [Intrigued] Oh, how interesting! What does it mean?!
Dur: How the heck should I know, I don’t even remember getting it!?
!? Willo': [Looks at Charlie with some disgust] Hashtag OutOfTouch! That's the map of Florian Hall!

Alice: [To the party] She's very irritating. [To Willo'] Hashtag VeryAnnoyingHashtag!
[WILLO' responds with slow shake of her head.]
Austin: [To Alice] Can you draw the solution onto the maze, if there is one?
Alice: Ew! I'm not going touching him! I mean, no offence, Dur, but you are repulsive!
Dur: [Returning to stuffing his face greedily] No offense taken! [Thinks about it] Hey!
Meia: [Gets in Austin's face] What do you mean "if it can be solved"?

Leia: Yeah!

Teia: Yeah!
Austin: [Calmly] Hashtag notallmazeshaveasolution.
Alice: Let's hear it for the clean shaven short mazes!

Meia: That can't be right! Why would he have the tattoo if it doesn't have the solution?
Austin [Sighs] Stares at the tattoo for a minute. Okay, it does have a soluton. Must I do everything muyself!
! Austin: [Sighs] Yes, yes, very well. [Looks for some good brandy]
Dur: Well I certainly can’t do it myself, it’s on my back!
Alice: [Hands Austin a large dagger] Can you draw the solution onto the maze, if there is one?
[There seems to a distinct lack of good brandy in the place, as most people are drinking beer.]
Austin: [Takes the dagger] I think that might invalidate his insurance, I'll do it in ink first [Puts on some latex gloves, and draws the solution on with a pen]
Dur: [Giggling girlishly, sending partly masticated bits of food spraying] It tickles!
[The party watch as AUSTIN traces out the solution.]
Meia: [To Austin] See? I told you there was a solution! [Disgusted] And you said there was no solution!
Austin: Hey! I said that there *might* not be a solution, and have just proven that there is! [Checks out Meia] What do you do around here?
Meia: Look at how I'm dressed! What do you think I do?
Austin: [Pretending it's a game] Dancing?
Alice: I'd have to go with either hooking or slave girl.

Meia: [Offended] Hey! I'm a librarian!
Clint: Hooking it is, then! What's supposed to be at the center of this Florian Hall?
Dur: [Accusingly at Charlie] Hey, you didn't tell me they had THAT kind of girl at libraries! What else have you been hiding from us!
of girl at libraries! What else have you been hiding from us! Charlie: [To Dur, patiently] Only in a world where you are considered a jewel! In normal worlds, librarians dress sensibly and appropriately!
Clint: [Scoffing.] According to the fine experts at Big Un's, all librarians are secretly sexy but disguise it by wearing nerdy glasses.  And they would know!
Shor: [Laughs loudly] Our local librarian, Miss Tutalot, certainly wore glasses, but was also about ninety and had a beard. I think she falls outside your Big Uns classification!
Alice: When I was in boarding school, our librarian, Miss Amanda Peeling certainly didn't wear glasses, as she didn't read all that much. She was also the gardener, school cook and phys ed teacher.
Charlie: [Aghast] One librarian for your entire collection?! We had a dozen, each with his or her own abstruse speciality. [Sighs dreamily] My, they were a dashing lot, all stylish tweed and jaunty walking canes!
Alice: That sounds a bit more like that seedy drug dealer who used to hang around outside the school offering to take photos of the girls. He said he could give people a start in modelling.

Willo': [Strikes a pose and does a severe duck face] You've either got it or you don't.
Austin: [To Willo'] Well let us know when the test results are in. [To the party] I prefer librarians dressed and looking like Meia, it's clearly far more appropriate than tweed.
Willo': Hashtag Fail!

Alice: Where is this Florian Hall place?

Cello: It's the huge tower in the middle of the town.
The party spotted it on the way to the bar
Shor: What's in there? What's the maze a map to?
Cello: The Gang of Six.

Alice: I thought it was a gang of four?

Cello: [Disinterested] Did you? [Drinks some beer]
Shor: Perhaps this is a rival group, because as we know, the gang of four are always the gang of four, regardless of the number of gang members in the gang!
Alice: They certainly have them outnumbered! [To Cello] Are they the same as the Band of Five or the Clan of Six?

Cello: [Exhausted sigh] Look lady, are you here to drink so much that you puke yourself unconscious or not?

Alice: Ew! No!

Cello: Well then stop bothering me with your nerd talk and go hassle Irman instead.
Charlie: [To the group] I do not know who this [finger quotes] Irman is, but I approve of his/her stance on drinking oneself into unconsciousness! [To Cello] Where might we find Irman?
Cello: Nerding it up in his house being a virgin, I suspect.
Clint: Tell you what.  You guys go hang out with the nerd, and I'll stay here and drink 'til I pass out.  Sounds fair?
I'm on holiday through Monday, by the way.  Headed up to visit the
family for Thanksgiving tomorrow morning, returning to Houston on Monday morning, back to work Monday afternoon.
Alice: Oh for god's sake, Stinky! We just spent... what? Minutes looking for Dur? If we let you off by yourself we may never find you! [Thinks] Although....
Austin: But just think, free of that smell! The fresh air!
Alice: The lack of name calling, the complete absence of some barbarian farting along to them tune of What The Hell is That Smell? Ah!
Shor: The lack of the sound of creaking joints, the lack of the smell of pee!
Alice: No, we'd still have that. [Nods at Dur]
Charlie: [Firmly] We cannot spare any of the party, not even those with many, many glaring deficiencies!
Happy Thanksgiving to my fellow Americans--and to
any of the rest of you with an appreciation for over-
eating with loved ones!
Alice: Phew! [Thinks] I mean... hey! Is that a dig at me?
Austin: No, of course not, she is referring to herself. She is as self deprecating as ever!
Alice: Aw! Poor old Charlie! Come on, let's go to the boring nerd house with all the tedious books, you'll have a great time there!
Shor: And we can dlfind out all about this maze. [To Dur] Good doctor, are you coming with us?
are you coming with us? Charlie: Of course he is! [Hands Dur a copper] Do stop playing with these horrid girls now, and carry these books for me [hands Dur a huge stack of books].
Forgot to say, happy thanksgiving to all
On Thu 22 Nov 2018, 3:27 p.m. Colin Dinan
Austin: [Sighs, and gets a beer if he can] I wonder who the six are. Peter and 5 others. Hmm.
and happy thanks giving too. Whatever that is. I'll find out on
Saturday, so no spoilers please! D On Thu, 22 Nov 2018 at 15:54, Colin Dinan

;; Forgot to say, happy thanksgiving to all
Alice: I'm confused. If Peter is one of them, why would we want to seek them out?
It's our Thanksgiving today, so no posts from me until Monday!
[ALICE looks around at the others.]
Alice: Right? Well, hopefully the geek Irman will set you people straight.
Shor: I don't know who Peter is.
Charlie: [To Shor] Do hope you never find out! He is a dreadfully annoying little man!
Alice: [Nodding at Charlie's words] You're lucky, Shor. Very lucky. [Sighs deeply and looks off into the distance for a moment before turning back to Shor] Very, very lucky.
Shor: [Laughs loudly] Bearing in mind everything that's happened in the last few days, that's debatable, Ms Basset Short! Should we go and visit that reclusive nerdish virgin?
Dur: The real question

is: Will he still be a reclusive nerdish virgin after Alice visits him!
Alice: That depends on how nerdy he is, I do have some standards, you know!
[Everyone laughs.]
Alice: Hey!
Dom is away?

Austin: [To Shor] Peter is quite the most excellent person to have ever lived. You will most certainly consider yourself lucky should you get to meet him!
;; Dom is away?
Charlie: [To Shor] Pay no attention to Mr. Sleaze. Like many who come into contact with Mr. Deadpan, he appears to have been brainwashed or possibly bribed into finding him tolerable! [To the party] Now, let us go interrogate this virgin!
Clint: Is that what they're calling it these days? Sounds like a job for Bimbo and the lawyer to me!
Alice: No doubt it does, Stinky, but then again, you are an idiot. [To Dur] No offence!
[Exit the party, along with WILLO'.]
End of scene, next one coming right up
[Book X, Act XI, Scene IV. The Streets of Townagain. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and SHOR are here, along with WILLO'.]
Alice: So where's the virgin? Willo': [Points at Clint] There. Hashtag oldmanvirgin!
Austin: Have you been trying to read my diary again?
sorry, bad day at work
Austin: I doubt very much that Peter is a virgin.He's much too wonderful.
sorry bad day at work. Off home
Shor: [To Willo'] I'm glad you have come with us to keep us current. Still got a bag full of hashtags to deliver, no doubt?
Clint: Totes don't encourage her!
Willo': [Stands close to Shor as though posing for a selfie] Hashtag goodhairstaystogether! [Glares at Clint] Why is the old guy talking to us?
Charlie: [To Willo'] We find it best not to let him wander around on his own!
Willo': He does seem old and confused. Hashtag smellslikepee.
Austin: [To Willo'] By any chance, do you have transport?
Willo': Transport? No, why would I want such a thing?
Austin: For racing around at high speed, of course. What else?
Willo': It sounds positively awful. I am happy to be where ever I am! Hashtag gladtobehere. [To Shor] Isn't that right? [Squeezes his arm]
[SHOR yelps in pain and flies to the ground.]
Willo': What's wrong with him?
Charlie: [To Willo', quickly going to help Shor] Perhaps a better question is what did you DO to him?!
Austin: [To Willo'] What's right with him?
Shor: [Sits up slowly] What was that? The pain was intense! Even my hair hurt!
Willo': Not the hair! He has such beautiful hair! Almost as nice as mine! [Turns and poses for an unseen camera] Hashtag goodhairday. I didn't do anything to him! I just touched him, like this. [Touches him again, but nothing happens]
Dur: Stand aside so that I may examine the patient!
Willo': [Waves the party out of Dur's way] Let the Jewel through! He will be able to save him!
Austin: But save him from what? [Looks at Willo' suspiciously]
Willo': I don't know, I'm not a doctor, am I? Why don't you ask the expert?
Dur: You can’t expect me to know such things when a man’s life could be hanging in the balance, man! [Inspects Shor’s wound] Ah yes… it is exactly as I feared. This man suffers from being-a-little-baby-it is!
life could be =A6 it is exactly Shor: Well Doctor, I of course trust you implicitly. However, I've never heard of this malady! Is it serious?
Willo': Ew! [Steps away from Shor] Is it contagious? Hashtag SaveShor! Hashtag beingalittlebabyitisAwareness! Hashtag PinkAndYellowRibbon!
Clint: Can we get on with things before I resort to hashtag MindlessCartoonlikeViolence?
Austin: Just out of curiosity, how mant years young are you?
Willo': You're worse than Cello, old man! Are you afraid you're going to die of old age? [Does a duck face pose for the unseen camera] Hashtag YouthAndBeauty!
Willo': Hashtag BarelyLegal! [Does another pose]

Alice: I never thought I'd say this, but let's get to the library!
Shor: [Stands up weakly] Yes, let's be on our way. Let's not leave my new found debilitating illness hold us back from our meeting, Ms Basset Short!
found debilitating illness hold us back from our meeting, Ms Basset Short! Charlie: [Starry-eyed] Oh, we shall have a wonderful time! [Assessing the party, gestures to Shor and Austin] The two of you shall work together manning the card catalog and searching the stacks for the books I need while [gestures vaguely to everyone else] the rest of you will follow behind and carry books!
Alice: Books? Hold on a second, no one said anything about books! What the hell use are books?
[A male voice calls out from behind the party.]
Voice: How else are you going to level an unbalanced table?
Austin: He has a point. Who knew books could be so useful!
Alice: I totally knew they could, you also need them for balancing on your head when walking around in deportment lessons!
[The party turn to see this book expert. It is DUPLO DAWSON, a man on horseback, who appears to be naked from the waist down.]
Duplo: And for throwing at nerds! [In a friendly tone] You must be the weird and scary foreigners, I'm Duplo Dawson! Duplo by name, Dawson by nature!


Charlie: [Intrigued] Oh, are you a centaur?! I have always wanted to [gasps and shields her eyes]--you, sir, are no centaur!!
Alice: I don't know, Charlie, he's hung like a horse!

Willo': That is the horse! [To Duplo] Where are your pants?

Duplo: Huh? [Looks down] Sonofa! Today was laundry day, and I didn't have any clean ones. Crashbag LaundryDay.

Willo': [With disgust] It's HASH [pause] TAG!

Duplo: [Shakes his head] Nah, that doesn't make any sense. Crashbag ItsCrashbagNotHashtag.
Austin: So, Duplo, what CrashbagOtherUsesDoYouKnowOfForBooks ?
Duplo: Loads! You can build forts out of them, or tear pages out and throw balled up paper at girls you like.
Austin: You can also cut out a secret storage space in the middle, so that it still looks like a book, but isn't really. And fire lighters, great for lighting fires. [Muses]
Clint: You can probably use them to keep Dur fed in an emergency situation.
Duplo: Hah! You guys are o-kay! I don't think you're a bunch of sad losers at all!
Charlie: [Nods eagerly] Certainly not ALL of us, no indeed! [Hesitates] Wait, have you heard of us by reputation?
Duplo: Yes! I heard that you were a bunch of barbarians who tried to kill Sharesee.
That's the woman who was brushing her hair while the party
nearly drowned
Sharesee? Did you really believe her?
Duplo: Maybe they were jealous of her hair? You know, she believes she has the most beautiful hair in history. Each one of them has a name.
She might have been awful person, but she *does* have
very nice hair
Maplin defensively]
out for rest of day, back Monday. Have a good weekend
Alice: Yes, that does mean she's less crazy!
Shor: I think I may have seriously underestimated her brilliance!
Dom is afk
Austin: It is common for the less attractive to underestimate the brilliance of the attractive. [Sighs as examines the brilliance of his nails]

Willo': [Defensively] I think your hair is way more attractive than hers, Shor! It's almost as good as mine! Hashtag GoodHairDays!
Shor: That's only because I was dunked in the sea! Hashtag CrustyHippySeaHair!
Willo': [Looks at Alice] Ew! So I see!
Charlie: [Impatiently] Yes, but we were just on the way to the LIBRARY, were we not? [Firmly] All of you can discuss your so-called beauty routines on the way! [Claps her hands commandingly] To the library!
Duplo: It's just over here.
[DUPLO leads the party to building 07, in the north east corner of the town. They can see a huge building in the middle of the town, marked #48.]
Duplo: Here we go, this is where all the nerds go.
Austin: [Nods approvingly] It's a good idea to put them all in one building. Keeps them out of the way, so that no one will see them by accident. [Shudders at the thought]
Alice: [Looking at what appears to be a normal, although slightly larger than nearby ones, house] Is this really a library?

Duplo: No, it's Irman's house. It's where all the nerds hang out. Why would we want a library?
Austin: You wouldn't, but that is a dangerous question to ask! Best not to mention them. [Looks around warily]
Dur: That depends on what kind of library! If you fill it up with strippers and booze, you could be visionaries!
Alice: That sounds like the library at the University I went to.
Colin is out to today

Shor: You attended University?

Alice: [Puzzled] No.

Irman: [Shakes his head sadly, tutting to himself] You people appear to be ... horrifically poorly organised. Do you have an agenda for this meeting?
;; Colin is out to today
Clint: Give Charlie 20 minutes and she'll have one, color coded and even laminated, which we will promptly ignore.
;; Colin is out to today
Charlie: [Haughtily] I think you will find we are quite well-organized and efficiently led! [Modestly] Cataloging is one of my passions, and I have a great many files on each of the party [brandishes several bulging, brightly labeled folders with names of members of the party on them].
Irman: [Disapproving] We'll see. I have seen many people claim cataloging as a passion only to later see them confuse Authority Terms with Authority Files! [Scans through the folders, making an impressed humming sound] Ah, I see you have adopted Dewhey's Hierarchical Taxonomy of Personality Disorders and Faults for your group members. [Runs his finger down the coloured tabs on the side] I see. You poor, poor lady. I have never wanted to hug someone more in all my life -- although, that would be quite improper. Perhaps a handshake. [Holds his hand out to Charlie, shaking slightly and perspiring a little]

Alice: [To Duplo] What's wrong with him?

Duplo: I don't think he's ever touched another living person before.
Charlie: [Shakes Irman's hand firmly] It is a pleasure to meet someone with a zeal for order! [In a lower voice] And you find these [nods to the files] shocking, you should see the confidential files on the group! [Primly] Though you haven't the proper clearance, I'm afraid, so that would be most inappropriate!
Irman: [Nods solemnly in agreement] Of course! Once you have proper clearance in Townagain I will show you the copious notes and records I have on the townspeople. You would be surprised at how often it is [finger quotes] laundry day. [Shakes her hand]
[CHARLIE gives a shriek and flies back from IRMAN, landing on the ground.]
Alice: What the hell did you do to her?
[CHARLIE looks groggy but not seriously injured.]
Irman: [Horrified] That's just what mother said would happen if I touched any other woman! I mean, if I touched a woman!
Austin: Did she say why that would happen? [Helps Charlie up]
awa hame
Charlie: [To Irman, scolding] Well, perhaps you should have listened to her! [Lifts herself off the ground shakily, staying clear of Irman]
Irman: Maybe I should! [Looks at Austin and pales] Uh... [peers inside his pants and gives a huge sigh of relief] Nothing!
Charlie: [To Irman, astonished] Was that really the first time you ever touched a woman?!
Irman: Certainly not! That is the most preposterous and outrageous thing I've ever heard!
Austin: [Deadpan] What other women have you touched, and when and where did you touch them?
Irman: Mother. Lots of times. In the kitchen mostly.
Austin: [Dissapointed] Is that all?
out for the rest of the day, off on Friday all together!
Irman: [Defensively] Sometimes in the sitting room!
Clint: You hussy!
Irman: [Proudly] That's right!
Shor: So apart from touching your mother in her kitchen and sitting room area, that was the first lady you've touched?
Irman: That was no lady, that was my mother! But yes, that is true. I've touched and been touched by many men, though -- things can get quite racy in the library you know... late night research... cataloging... [loosens his bow tie] cross [licks his lips] referencing...
Charlie: [Fans herself distractedly] Do stop talking such smut! We must remain focused on our goals and have no time to recall highly charged erotic nights in the stacks, when we emerged covered in little more than dust and papercuts!
Irman: [Straightening his tie] Yes, of course! This is hardly the time to reminisce that night we catalogued the entire collection of Farry Lynt Wood Etchings! Please, come on in! What can I do for you? And please, forgive the mess!
[The party enter the immaculately tidy house.]
Alice: Er... we want to know about the Gang of Five, or Six, or whatever they're called.

Irman: [Tuts irritably] Oh, this won't do, this won't do at all! [Straightens a book on the shelf] There, much better!
Shor: Er, about the Gang?
Austin: Have any of them ever touched you?
Irman: [Laughs] Of course not! [To the party] How about some tea? Da-Hong Pao? Vintage Narcissus Wuyi Oolong? [Starts boiling some water] The Gang of Six never leave Florian Hall. That's the huge tower in the middle of the town.
The party spotted this previously. It is hundreds of storeys tall,
while the next tallest building they've seen so far is just three
Charlie: [Nods, intrigued] Oh, do they suffer from some sort of collective agoraphobia?
Irman: Hm, I don't know, I've never thought about it. This is how it's always been, though. Legends say that some day someone will figure out how to get in there.
Dur: Maybe that's what this map is for. [Points to his back with his thumb.]
Irman: Fascinating! [Drags Dur across the room to a magnifying glass and scans over it] Hm, you could be right. There is a huge circular spire at the top of Florian Hall, and all the legends -- well, all those from reputable sources -- suggest that the Gang of Six reside up there.
Here's a reminder of Dur's map:


Vintage Narcissus Wuyi Oolong, please. How long to you brew it for, and what is the recommended temperature?
Irman: Good for you. I always say that it is a relief when those of us not blessed with traditionally appreciated, valued and useful brainpower at least have some sort of spatial skills that may come in useful when moving wheelbarrows and whatever else it is people use for manual labour. [Holds up the tea with a smile] Good choice! The first brewing is a mere 20 seconds, which often frightens the uneducated, but that is a necessity when it comes to the multiple brewing steps. I believe in a 98 degree boil. There's no need to get too violent, is there?
Austin: [Unimpressed. Dryly] Not if you are blessed with traditional brainpower.
Irman: That's the spirit, my good chap! Now, where did this map come from? And what makes you think it may be related to Florian Hall? The circular shape notwithstanding, of course.
Dur: I don't remember getting a tattoo, so you know, divine etchings and current circumstances are the only reason we have for believing it is related at all!
Irman: Ah! Very mysterious! It does suggest some sort of divine hand or.... [sniffs the air] intoxication? Where did you wake up with this tattoo? [Reproachfully] Was it Quincy?
That's the bar that Dur blundered into
Clint: Please, does Dur look like the type to frequent such establishments? It's not an all-night all-you-can-eat chip shop!
Irman: [Looks Dur up and down] Well, quite frankly, yes he does! However, it is getting late. You are more than welcome to stay here tonight. [Thinks] Unless you're a bunch of thieving murderers, in which case I'd prefer you stay elsewhere.
Shor: That's very decent of you! The only thing I could murder is a good shower!
Irman: Showers for everyone!
[DUR screams like a girl.]
Irman: Er, showers for anyone who wants them?
[Book X, Act XI, Scene V. The Upstairs Sitting Room. IRMAN, ALICE, AUSTIN (both newly showered), CLINT and DUR are here, lounging around, waiting for SHOR and CHARLIE, each of whom is in their own room. A selection of sandwiches has been quickly eaten/pantsed by CLINT and DUR, and the others are drinking some hot cholocale.]
Alice: I don't understand. It's basically watery chocolate? Irman: Yes.

Alice: But... why?

Irman: To help you relax.

Alice: I'm confused, it seems like some sort of trick. [To the others] It's a drink that doesn't have alcohol?
Charlie: [Emerging from her room wearing an improbably high-necked, long-sleeved, floor-length drab grey dressing gown, looking pale and shaken] Group, I do not wish to upset you, but something dreadful has happened! I have been given [pauses tragically] a tattoo!
Alice: Oh man! Did you mis-spell something? People are always doing that. A friend of mine, let's call her Alison, wanted to get a tattoo saying "No regrets", but accidentally got "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and he'll eat forever, unless he doesn't live near the sea or some sort of river, in which case there's no point in teaching him how to fish, and where did you get that fish in the first place, way out here in the desert? Are you sure it's even a fish?". It took her ages to have it removed. Well? Go on, then! Show it do us!
Shor: [Steps out of the shower room with a towel around his waist. To Dur] Doctor, I seem to have broken out in some sort of ugly rash! Is it a part of my bigbabyitis malady? [Turns to show a big tattoo on his back]
Alice: Yikes! What is it? Does yours look like that, Charlie?


Charlie: [Unhappily] Not precisely, but it is not dissimilar! [Quickly sketches lines on a piece of paper] It's looks like this, but naturally I am not going to bare my flesh to all of you. [Indignantly] I am not Alice, after all!
Alice: Aw, poor Charlie! You have nothing to be ashamed of! Well, hardly anything! [Gives her a hug, mouthing to the party] She does!


Austin: [To Alice] Well, if everyone was as perfect as me, we would not need the word 'perfect'! [Looks worried and rushes to the bathroom to check for undiscoverd tattoos]
Alice: [Watching as Austin comes back in with a huge look of relief on his face] Oh no! You have one too?
Gone for the day!
Austin: No. I am still formidably beautiful. [Sighs in relief and sips some hot chocolate] Thank you for asking.
Dur: I can think of only two possibilities. First, is that my immaculate tattoo is contagious and is slowly spreading through the group. Or second, in a fit of ugly jealousy the two of you copies me and tattooed yourselves! Can’t something good happen to ME guys?!
, s! Austin: [Struggling with the concept] Errm, well your tattoo does hide some of the dirt?
Clint: Can those two tattoos be fitted together somehow?
Alice: Can they? How?
Charlie: [To Clint, flushing] Get your mind out of the gutter, Mr. Scar! I am a married woman!
Austin: [Tries to copy the tattoos on to his note pad and fit them together] Does anyone else have a tattoo?
;out for rest of the day :) Have a good weekend
Alice: No, we=E2=80=99ve all either washed or are Clint.
Alice: No, we=E2=80=99ve all either washed or are Clint.

Shor: So why just the three of us? Do you think it's because we had direct contact with the people here?
Alice: Well, it certainly isn't because you've got the best hair!
Shor: Thanks, it is rather magnificent! I can't believe he had coconut and crushed fairy wing conditioner!
Alice: That was conditioner?? Ew! No wonder I've got fairy wing stuck in my teeth!
Lady from Conor # 21 Alice: That was conditioner?? Ew! No wonder I've got fairy wing stuck

Shor: But on the plus side, you do have fresh minty hair!
Charlie: [Helpfully] Ground fairy bones also make an excellent book-binding adhesive, though it is rather tedious harvesting them!
Alice: Not as tedious as reading the books, though! [To the party] So what's with these tattoos?
Shor: I think one appears the first time each of us has contact with a local.
Alice: Huh. So if we say, poked Irman here with a stick, we'd then get one?
Dur: Is it polite to go around poking random people with sticks?
Charlie: [To Dur] Only if you are trying to determine whether or not they are dead! [To the party] Are we so sure these tattoos are to be desired?! They look dreadful!
Alice: They do look awful, but surely they mean something!
Austin: They might not. The risk to our personal destinies, is far too high. Well for those of us with destinies, at least.
Alice: Maybe they just mean the person is marked for dooooooom! Anyway, shouldn't get go and talk to the Gang of Six? We do have the map on Dur's back, right?
Shor: Well, either a map or a bigbayitis rash!
Alice: [Looking at the map] Can't it be both?
Charlie: [Excited] To the Gang of Six, group! [Hesitates, frowning] Oh, I do hope there ARE six of them, and they are not a Gang of Fluctuating Size. That sort of sloppiness can be most disconcerting!
Irman: How are you going to find them?

Alice: [Pointing at it] With the map? Didn't you say that the map showed where they were?

Irman: No, I said that it's a map of Florian Hall.

Alice: And where is the Gang of Six?

Irman: Florian Hall.
Austin: We ourselves are a gang of six. Perhaps we should legislate for specific gang sizes?
Alice: We're more of an organisation of six -- does anyone understand what this guy is talking about?
Clint: Maybe he's saying that the gang is in a maze but not necessarily at the center?
Irman: Oh no, they're at the centre alright. The problem is getting into Florian Hall.
Clint: I'll probably regret asking this, but how is that a problem?
Alice: Yeah, [stands beside Clint, puffing up her muscles] surely someone can just kick the door in? Or [leans down near Austin, mimicking the action] skilfully pick the lock? Or even [stands beside Dur pretending to rub tears from her eyes] cry and cry until they're let in?

Irman: No. You can only open the door if you walk the line.
Charlie: Oh, like some sort of sobriety test? [Assesses the group skeptically] Well, I shall be able to pass such a test, at least!
Alice: I wouldn't worry about it. Those sobriety tests are just the first one -- if you're arrested for driving a carriage while intoxicated, there's always that other test they do back in the station, you know, the one where... uh, huh, I guess that's not really a test, is it?

Irman: [To Charlie] Not in the least. To walk the line, you must first know the line. Do you know the line?

Alice: Is the line "you're very annoying"?

Irman: That is not the line.
Shor: [To Irman] Do you know the line?
Austin: Is it the line between Good and Evil? Or Life and Death? Or just a yellow line painted on the ground?
Irman: Alas, I don't. The people of Townagain have waited a long time for someone who knew it so that they could gain entry to Florian Hall. [To Austin] More of an imaginary line.
Dur: What happens if we don't know the line?
Irman: Then you don't get to get into Florian Hall, and maybe that tattoo isn't a tattoo of a map, and is instead a scab from acute Crybabitis. [Shrugs] You should get the doctor to look at it, she can tell the difference.
Charlie: [Thrilled] Oh, it is like a scavenger hunt! [To Irman, flipping a notebook open and poised to write] What clues can you give us to help us determine the location of this so-called doctor?
Irman: Yes! Yes, of course! She's in Number 10.

Alice: [Standing in front of a noticeboard having pinned various pictures of the party and the townspeople to it, along with a map of the town the party have seen so far] Number 10, eh? [Writes it on a piece of card that she affixes to the board, connecting it to pictures of the tattoos with string] What could it mean?

Irman: Uh, her house is Number 10.
Austin: [Helpfully] It's probably where she lives.
sorry busy day
Clint: Could the new tattoos be a hint about this line? They look rather line-like to me. Maybe we all need to get them, just in case?
Alice: So do we all need to touch this guy?
Clint: I certainly hope not! Uh, no offense.
Austin: Keep trying Mr Scar, one day you might not be offensive.
Alice: Don't give him false hope, Aus. We all know he's just getting worse!
Austin: [Sadly] Hope is all he has.
Charlie: [Nods] Indeed, we do not wish him to become a burden to us, and the hopeless tend to be a mopey and inert sort!
On Thu, 13 Dec 2018 at 09:40, Heather

Austin: Speaking of inert, let's get a move on with this plan. Perhaps we should all get the 'tattoos', there is only one way to find out. [Tries to hold Irman's hand]
[AUSTIN successfully holds IRMAN's hand. IRMAN seems happy about it.]
Alice: Huh. So much for that theory!
Shor: Perhaps it's got to be a different person each time.
Austin: Indeed, it makes sense. And a different tattoo each time. [Keeps hold of Irman's hand]
Irman: [Happily holding Austin's hand] Interesting hypothesis! How shall we test it? Do you want to return to Quincy and touch a few Townagainiens? Or shall we proceed to the good doctor's to see if this could all be explained away by a simple case of Crybabitis?

Alice: [Still poring over her evidence board] Given that we still have no clue where this doctor is, what they look like, what their name is or even what their profession is, we should return to Quincy. [Thinks hard] Number 10.... number 10... maybe it's a combination of hexatridecimal and binary numbering systems?
Quincy was the where the party found Dur
Charlie: [To Alice, snapping her fingers] That's it! The doctor's house number must be number 10! [Relieved] I am so glad I was able to solve this difficult puzzle, thanks to my extensive notes and sharp reasoning skills!
Austin: Let's go and confirm these hypotheses. There's northing quite like real evidence to muddy the waters!
Irman: Splendid! Let's go, [emphasis] groupe! [To Austin] One finds that injecting some foreign phrases into a scientific endeavour such as this will keep some of the less focused members of the groupe interested.
Clint: I see you've found a brand new soulmate, lawyer. [To Irman] Don't get too attached - the last one was turned into charcoal by a dragon earlier this week.
Irman: Charcoal? Fascinating! And this soulmate, can you describe him? title and the like?
Clint: Uh, she specialized in kinky sadomasochistic sex games, so...  what, would that be the computer science department, maybe?
Just a guess!
Austin: She was a combatant, specialised in unarmed combat. Not particularly kinky, or sadomasochistic. Just a bit fighty.
Irman: How disappointing. Nevertheless, let us talk to the good doctor!

Alice: But where? Where will we find this doctor?
End of scene
[Book X, Act XI, Scene VI. Number 10 Townagain. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, SHOR and IRMAN, still holding hands with AUSTIN, have just arrived at House #10, on the west side of Townagain, having walked passed Florian Hall (#48 on the map) which is a huge tower that dominates the rest of the town.]
Alice: I don't get it, *this* is where the doctor is?
Charlie: [To Alice] It is our best lead, in any case! Follow me, group! [Knocks briskly on the door of #10]
[Almost the instant CHARLIE knocks on the door it opens a crack, held in place by a chain, and a woman, DR. FLORENCE HONEYDON'TAGAIN, peers out.]
Florence: [Eyeing the party suspiciously] Yes?

Dr.Florence Honeydon'tagain

Austin: We have some staff with suspected Babyitis, would you give them a checkup?
out for rest of day
Florence: Certainly! [Unlocks the chain and opens the door] Come on in! Let me just find my poking stick!
[FLORENCE's house extremely messy, filled with boxes and towering stacks of papers that loom ominously over the party as the walk in.]
Alice: Uh, does she have a Mini Peep stuck in her hair?
[Strangely enough, this is true. There is a tiny Mini Peep stuck in FLORENCE's mop of unwashed and uncombable hair.]
;; out for rest of day
Dur: You have your own poking stick?! [Whistles] Fancy!
Florence: [Turns and peers at Dur] Why, yes, young lady, yes I do! [Looks him up and down] Is that a sandwich in your pants or are you just pleased to see me?
Dur: [Smiles] Both!
Florence: Oh my! [Looks him up and down] I do so like a nice pantswich!
Dur: Finally! Someone who appreciates what I bring to the table! [Offers Florence a pantswich]
3 for me
Charlie: [To Dur, beaming] Oh, Dur! You have finally found an equal! [To the party, in a low voice] Do NOT let this woman touch you. She is clearly a delusional incompetent who merely fancies herself a doctor.
Alice: [Watching in horror as Florence takes a bite of the pantswich] I don't know whether it's adorable or horrifying! I mean -

Florence: [Holds her hand up to Alice as she swallows a huge chunk of pantswich] Just a moment. This is -- excuse me -- a damned fine pantswich. [Picks up a huge stick] Right! Where's the girl with the thorn in her foot?
Dur: I believe it is that one [Points at Austin]. Honestly, most days I have trouble keeping track of which one is which....
Florence: [Takes another bite and offers the rest to Dur] I know, I know... they do all look alike. A bit girlish, I think. I mean, [points at Alice] this one almost looks female!

Alice: Hey!

Florence: Sir, you need to came down! [Turns to Austin, holding her stick] This won't hurt a bit. Just drop your pants and bend over.

Austin: [Still holding hands with Irman] Certainly not. Perhaps you should poke one of those with tattoos?
Charlie: Indeed she will NOT. [To Florence, gesturing to Shor] Can you tell us anything about this young lady's tattoos?
Florence: [Takes out a smaller poking stick as Shor shows off his back muscles and examines it] This is clearly not a case of Babyitis. [To Dur] Notice the absence of tears, screwed up face and puffed out sulky lips?
Dur: Perhaps you should poke him a little harder?
Florence: Or maybe with a bigger stick?

Alice: Let's face it, she's about as useful a doctor as Dur! I mean, any idiot could poke someone with a stick. [Picks up a handy stick to demonstrate, but accidentally pokes herself in the eye] Ow!
Clint: Nicely demonstrated, Bimbo!
Florence: It's a tattoo alright. Who wants some stocking salami?
Dur: I do, I do!
Florence: [Laughs good naturedly] I knew you would! [Peels a slice of salami off her leg] The stocking helps keep it in place when my legs get too sweaty! [Feeds it to Dur]

Alice: This is the most grotesque thing I've ever seen!
Clint: Say, does anyone else think it's strange that we keep on running into gender-swapped alternate universe versions of ourselves here? First Shor and Sharesee, and then Charlie and Irman, and now this?
Dur: [Eats the salami without delay] Mmmm! So warm! Now that we have confirmed the nature of the tattoos, what do we do next?
Alice: First off, surely Sharesee was way more like Austin? I mean, she named each one of her hairs, right? And we certainly didn't meet any alternate versions of me, did we?
Shor: Well, not yet. But the old man might have a point.
Alice: Huh, and that awful trashbag girl did seem a lot like you, Shor, you know, she thought Stinky was really old and did have that whole Hashtag goodhairstaystogether thing.
She means Willo', of course
;; She means Willo', of course
Shor: She did have great hair though, didn't she! Also, this tattoo appeared after she touched me! Perhaps I got the crybabyitis from her?
appeared after she touched me! Perhaps I got the crybabyitis from her? Charlie: [Nods thoughtfully] It does all make some sort of sense, though I don't see how Irman's unnatural relationship with his mother could relate to me. My mother and I had a perfectly reasonable relationship.
Austin: Well then, it's probably related to something completely different. OCD tidyness, for example. Shareshee clearly has very little in common with me, excepting her fairly well developed taste in hair brushes.
Alice: And, well... you know... she did seem like something of a mean girl.
Clint: And don't forget the industrial-grade smugness!
Alice: Oh! And the outrageous vanity. Other than that, though, there was hardly any resemblance at all!
Austin: [Nods in agreement] It is indeed an outrage, I'm glad you agree that my beauty is so underappreciated [Checks his hair in a mirror, then takes hold of Irman's hand again]
Alice: So, if this is true, then it means we have Austin and Sharesee, Florence and Dur, Shor and Willo' and Irman and Charlie. Who else have we seen?
Charlie: [Flips through her notes] Several rather dim girls and that odd pantsless man! [To Clint] Which is your twin?
Alice: Oh please! That attractive looking but dim guy who had no pants because it was [finger quotes] laundry day? Oh please, he's nothing like me!

See CrashbagLaundryDay

Clint: And that leaves Cello for me. You know, she-lawyer's keeper.
Shor: So we need to track them both down. Perhaps we can find some sugar lumps to lure the horse man. And a bath full of booze for Cello.
Irman: [Still happily holding Austin's hand] Cello is probably still in Quincy, probably in a pool of her own vomit.
Austin: [Sighs] Well, let's get to her before she sobers up. It'll be much easier if she is unconcious. We may have to put her in the recovery position [Gets out some marigolds]
out for rest of the day
much easier if she is unconcious. We may have to put her in the recovery position [Gets out some marigolds] Charlie: [To Austin, shuddering] Do let's not talk about how things are easier when women are unconscious! [To the part] To the remaining alter-egos!
[The party head back towards Building 16, Quincy, only to encounter DUPLO, still on his horse, out in the middle of the streets.]
Duplo: Which house do I live in again? Alice: [To the party] Oh please! You think this guy is like me?
Dur: Maybe. Do you remember which house YOU live in?
Charlie: [To Alice, reassuringly] Not in EVERY possible way. Your genders differ, for example! [To Duplo] Hello there! Alice [nudges Alice] was hoping to shake your hand, if you would not mind?
Alice: [To Dur] You know, strictly speaking, I don't have one, as I'm too busy saving the world all the time!

Duplo: This sounds like some sort of weird sexual perversion, so... sure! [Reaches out to Alice]
[ALICE shakes his hand and immediately gets the same sort of shock the others did, and is sent flying back.]
Alice: Ow! That really hurt!

Duplo: [Applauding] Do it again! Do it again!
Clint: I love it when a plan comes together! Show us the new ink, Bimbo!
I'm out of town for the holidays later today. Back on the 3rd or so.
Clint: I love it when a plan comes together! Show us the new ink, Bimbo!

Alice: Which one? The new one?
and there we will break for Christmas!
have a great break everyone!!
Duplo: [Confused] Which one? The new underpants?
We are back, and 10% more likely to talk about underpants
than before!
Austin: Yes, new underpants. Why would anyone want old ones?
Shor: Could you imagine the embarrassment of being brought to a hospital after being killed when run over by a carriage, and you were wearing old underpants!
Alice: But what if it was laundry day? [Pleadingly] Laundry day!
Shor: I suppose, possibly. Did you get a tattoo?
Charlie: [Fervently] And, if so, before revealing it to us PLEASE privately confirm that showing us will not necessitate revealing your tatty old grey underwear yet again!
Austin: [Inhales sharply] Oh lord no! [Shies away sheilding his eyes]
Alice: Hah! Shows what you know! [Proudly] I'm not wearing any! [Turns and lifts up her shirt to reveal a tattoo on her back] What does it say? Something cool, I bet, like "Your not defeeted when u lose, your defeeted when u quite"!
Not quite as cool or badly spelled


Clint: No such luck, but maybe you can convince people it's the Chinese symbol for "harmony" or something.
Dur: Or, more aptly, "It's Laundry Day."
Alice: No, it needs to be way more mystical than that -- Soul of the Panda, Heart of the Lion, Kidney of the Chinchilla... [Holds her hands together as if in prayer and solemnly bows, with spooky Eastern music and the sound of gongs in the background]
Heather is afk

Charlie: Yes, yes, we shall all pretend that it's some sort of pretentious nonsense and we will even endeavour to not point out how ludicrous it is, but in the meantime, perhaps we should continue? If Cello wakes from unconsciousness, it seems unlikely that she would agree to have Clint touch her in any way.
;; Heather is afk
Clint: Touching the unconscious girl seems like the kind of thing that leads to one needing the lawyer's services, but... [gingerly taps Cello's shoulder]
Austin: Well then Mr Scar, best 'tis done ethically, and in front of respectable witnesses [Looks around at Irman, then the others] Well, two respectable witnesses, at any rate.
Remember, we're out in the street and Cello was last seen in the bar!
Alice: Oh please, Clint, like you've never touched an unconscious girl before! [Dramatically] To the Gropmobile!

Charlie: Do you mean "to the bar"?

Alice: Yes, I thought Gropmobile sounded more Clinty!
[The party head back to Quincy, which is #16 on the map. All the lights are turned off and the door is closed.]
Alice: Yeesh! What time is it?

Irman: 3AM.
;; Remember, we're out in the street and Cello was last seen in the bar!
Details, details!  =)
Clint: I guess we'll grope the unconscious person some other time!
Alice: Yeesh, Squee, sometimes I think you don't even care about boofing!
Austin: [Tries the door to see if it is locked. To Alice] Do you care about Boofong?
[The door is unlocked and opens with a "creaaaaak".]
Alice: I don't even know what it is!
Austin: Let's just say it's a bad hair do. [Goes inside carefully]
Charlie: [Follows Austin inside quietly, whispering to Clint] Do give your groping hand a bit of a wash first. It would be ideal if we could leave no finger prints for the ensuing investigation!
Alice: I don't know, Charlie, maybe there's so much dirt on it he doesn't leave any fingerprints!
[The party creep inside and see that the bar is empty, save for CELLO, who is sitting with her head on the bar, snoring loudly.]
Shor: Lets look for a stick to poke her awake! I'm thinking she's definitely not a morning person.
Alice: I don't know, she might prefer to be unconscious, you know, because of [nods at Clint]
Austin: Mr Scar should just get on with it. If his history is anything to go by, she probably won't notice.
Clint: On the bright side, she's unlikely to die horribly!  [Noooow he gingerly taps the unconscious lady.]
Always respectful of women, our Clint!
We're apparently moving buildings while the one I work in is
undergoing renovation.  I've just heard that they want us out of here ASAP because they've
started working on the basement and there's "lots of asbestos
floating around through the HVAC."  Glory!
[There is a huge cracking sound and CLINT goes flying across the bar, crashing into a table, sending an inexplicably rickety and unnecessarily precariously high tower of glasses smashing to the ground.]
Cello: Snore!
Shor: Was that the sound of the glasses, or his brittle old man bones breaking?
Austin: Either Way or both, it was the sound of success! Well done Mr Scar.
Shor: And definitely worth a shattered hip or two!
Alice: Yeesh, she could sleep through [with high pitched surprise] anything!

Cello: [Wakes with a jump, sitting up from the bar, a peanut stuck to her face] Jeez, what's that awful noise?
Austin: That was Alice, proving herself wrong.
Dur: [Frowning] Indeed. It is a sound that often haunts my own nightmares.
Charlie: [Holding her ears and wincing] Indeed! [To Cello, soothingly] Go back to sleep! This is but a strange dream, soon to be forgotten!
Cello: [Stares at Charlie] Liar, but... ah, who cares? [Takes a swig of whiskey and falls back to sleep]

Alice: [Looks sternly at the rest of the party] Look --
[CELLO jerks awake again.]
Cello: What the hell? [Grabs her bottle and storms off]
Austin: [Brightly] Well, that went better than expected! Lets see where we are with the tattoos. I'm sure we'll have enough information now to solve this mystery.
[CLINT obligingly shows his tattoo.]
Alice: So everyone except you has one, Aus.
Updated tattoos


Austin: I'm sure there will be enough information without the need to put me in danger.
Clint: Don't be such a Shor, lawyer!
Austin: It would be reckless and foolhardy to risk, me, the most valuable member of the party in such a way. We will simply extrapolate to gain any required information.
Alice: Indeed, he is very valuable. Let's do some calculations. [Produces a white board from somewhere and goes through a huge number of fiendishly complicated calculations] Hm, yes, I see. [Writes "qed" on the board]
Clint: I think you'd better do the same for everyone else, Bimbo! And don't worry, I'll be checking your work.
Alice: You misunderstand, Stinky. The case proven is that Austin DOES need to get tattooed. Yes, it may cost us our most valuable and [sniggers slightly] most beautiful party member, but, by god, it'll be worth it!
Austin: Don't be so ridiculous, Alice, there is plenty of space on Mr Dur for another tattoo
Alice: Maybe so, but the probability of someone actually wanting to touch him must be quite low, I mean, who on earth would want to?
It seems some sort of miracle that Florence and Dur didn't rip all their
clothes off and have sex in front of the party a short while ago:

Florenceand Dur

Dur for another tattoo Charlie: [To Austin, sadly] I agree, tattoos are dreadful and send the wrong message about one and one's values. [Brightly] Perhaps over time, we will obtain scars that will obscure them!
Alice: No way! Without them, how would people know that your favourite cartoon character is Tweedleburd? Or imagine how much sadder the world would be without all those cool looking Winese character symbols that people think are mystical but actually mean "Ugly Tourist Talk Much"?
Austin: Even though they send out the wrong message, that message can be a useful warning to others. [To CHarlie] I'm glad you agree that it is a bad idea.
Alice: Well, let's see. Irman gave one to Charlie, Cello to Clint, Duplo to me, Willo' to Shor and Sharesee to Dur, who does that leave?
Austin: It doesn't leave anyone. Mr Dur can have two tattoos. One from Florence, one from Shareshee, no one will notice.
Clint: Evidently we need to find the whiniest person here and touch her to the lawyer.
Dur: Yeah, and you have touched worse Austin. Remember that dreadful HARMA woman? [Shudders at the memory] She was dreadful!
HARMA woman? [Shudders at the memory] She was dreadful! Charlie: Mr. Sleaze, do be sensible! [Helpfully] Perhaps you can leverage the tattoo to convey a greater sense of [finger quotes] toughness to foes! Perhaps you could pair it with leather pants?
Alice: I thought the whiniest person here was Austin? Anyway, my question was, who is the last person in Townagain that we need to get a tattoo from?
Austin: Leather pants! [Rolls his eyes] It's baby chinchilla skin boxers. That's where it's at in the mens underwear haute couture.
pants == underwear :)
Alice: Poor Austin, no baby boxer chinchilla skin because of laundry day!
;; pants == underwear :)
Not in any civilised country, calling underwear pants is just pants!
And yes, "just pants" is the greatest way of using pants in a sentence
Charlie: [To Austin, quickly] We do NOT wish to see proof of your stylish undergarments! [Firmly] But we DO wish to see you get tattooed along with the rest of us!
;;; pants == underwear :)
Ooooh, right! : D
;; Not in any civilised country, calling underwear pants is just pants!
;; And yes, "just pants" is the greatest way of using pants in a sentence
Austin: [To Alice] No, I am wearing some. [Shows Alice his pants] I have enough to cover for multiple laundry days, and other emergencies.
Glad I'm not in a civilised country, that would be totes pants :)
Clint: Good, then it's settled!  You can hide your tattoo with excessive undergarmentry and, if necessary, I'm sure Alice has some sort of foundation paint you can use.  Get to it, lawyer!
;; Glad I'm not in a civilised country, that would be totes pants :)
Truly, for a *really* civilized country would spell the word with a
z!  =)
Alice: [Fans herself] Oh my, Austin! That certainly is some very flouncy underwear you have there!
;; Truly, for a *really* civilized country would spell the word with a z! =)
Zo true!
Clint: Aha!  The reason you're always wearing those ghastly grey knickers is because the lawyer's swiped your good underwear whenever we do the wash!  It all makes sense now!
;; Zo true!
Precizely!  I didn't miss a hidden "paused for the day" note, did I?
Alice: What's the we business, Stinky? When did you ever wash anything?
;;; Zo true!
;; Precizely! I didn't miss a hidden "paused for the day" note, did I?
Nope, just a quiet day in Queens View!
Clint: Well, obviously not me, personally, since doing the laundry is, like all menial tasks, Dur's job.
;; Nope, just a quiet day in Queens View!
Hah! Something that's not evidence that I'm going senile. I'll
take what I can get!
Alice: True, and that explains why it never gets done! Or why we get the wrong thing, you know, like how when you send your flouncy underwear to get laundered and you get back a Diet Coke?
;;; Nope, just a quiet day in Queens View!
;; Hah! Something that's not evidence that I'm going senile. I'll
;; Yes, that's it, and almost definitely not the rest of us slowly moving
to another list!!!
It's okay, guys, I think he suspected something but I managed to throw
him off the scent!!!
wrong thing, you know, like how when you send your flouncy underwear to get laundered and you get back a Diet Coke? Charlie: [To Alice, helpfully] No, nothing like that has ever happened to me. Perhaps you should arrange to have all of your written requests proofread prior to sending them to avoid such mishaps?
;; It's okay, guys, I think he suspected something but I managed to
throw him off the scent!!!
Well done! With any luck he hasn't noticed the cleverly coded secret
messages in all odd-numbered posts!
Austin: So she has a very high turn over of proof readers, but it's not her fault. There are clearly too few proof readers in the Realmz, and Queenz View.
Austin: No.
Alice: Proof reader? What's that? A fancy name for a lawter?
Alice: Is it a fancy name for a lawyer?
Lawter? What the hell is a lawter? I guess we DO need more proof readers!
Austin: No. It is the name for a servant who checks your spelling, and complains about your handwriting. A bit like a teacher, but not as clever.
Alice: So, quite like a lawyer then!
complains about your handwriting. A bit like a teacher, but not as clever. Charlie: [Huffily] A great many very clever, highly educated people are called upon to proofread scientific papers, office memos, letters to newspaper editors and so forth! [Sniffs] And you could all do with additional and quite rigorous penmanship training!
Alice: But in the meantime, we have to figure out what all these tattoos mean and if Florence can give one to someone?
Florence appears to be the only party equivalent who hasn't yet
done so
Dur: [Huffily] I will have you all know that I take my laundry responsibility VERY seriously. I vigorously soap and shake all our garments religiously! Of course I don't use water when I do it, but you KNOW how I can't stand the stuff!
Shor: It's certainly an odd way of washing clothes, but I'm sure you've based your method on some genius intricately hygienic method, used in your medical practise!
Alice: It's worse than that, Shor, it's the SAME hygienic method he uses in his medical practice, which is none!
Dur: Hey! No one's ever complained! [Crest-fallen] Of course, many of them died before they could....
them died before they could.... Charlie: [To Dur, gently] Which is why we agreed you would only [finger quotes] practice medicine on the little dolly I gave you. Remember? The one that inexplicably burst into flames after you attempted a hair transplant on it?
Austin: I know how much you all love talking about hygiene, but we really should try to find out what is going on here.
TGFzdCBmcm9tIERvbSAjMTE4DQoNCj5BdXN0aW4gOiBJIGtub3cgaG93IG11Y2ggeW91IGFsbCBs b3ZlIHRhbGtpbmcgYWJvdXQgaHlnaWVuZSwgYnV0IHdlIHJlYWxseSBzaG91bGQgdHJ5IHRvIGZp bmQgb3V0IHdoYXQgaXMgZ29pbmcgb24gaGVyZS4NCg0KRHVyOiBbSG9wZWZ1bGx5LCBjaGVlcmlu ZyB1cCB2aXNpYmx5XSBXZSBjb3VsZCBnbyBzZWUgRmxvIGFnYWluIT8NCg==
Clint: And then the lawyer can touch her and we have a map! And a lawsuit.
Alice: [Helpfully] It's called a lawREADER, Clint!
End of scene, next one coming right up
[Book X, Act XI, Scene VII. Florence's House. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, SHOR and IRMAN are here.]
Irman: You know, it is 4AM, maybe she's asleep?
. Shor: Or perhaps we can have her touch Mr Sleaze instead. We have a map, and she=E2=80=99ll have a lawsuit!
Dur: [Cheerfully] That's never stopped us from touching someone before, right gang?
Austin: Good point, we should all go and get a good nights sleep and pick this up tomorrow.
Alice: In some cases, it's the only thing that's let some of us do it! [Nods at Clint]

Irman: [Still holding Austin's hand] Good idea, babe, no sane person should be up at this time.
[FLORENCE's voice calls from above somewhere.]
Florence: Who's there?
Dur: [Still cheerfully] It's Dur and his friends, loosely speaking! We were wondering if we could touch you?
Florence: Is it part of some ill conceived and poorly thought out experiment?
Shor: Not at all. We are just a touchy feely type of group!
Clint: Although the lawyer is prone to all sorts of strange experimentation with touching, so, y'know, there's that!
Austin: I'm not prone, I'm highly selective.
Florence: [Who is on top of the roof] What do you want to touch me with?

Alice: Aus, do you have some preferred appendage that you want to poke her with?
Austin: [To Florence] Errm, Hongi?
Alice: [Whispers to Aus] It's pronounced honey!

Florence: Hm, that sounds strange and inappropriate, I'm in! [Slides down a convenient fireman's pole that's right beside her house, before stepping away from it] Ow. [To the party] Still not slick enough.
Charlie: [To Austin, alarmed] You cannot just approach strange women--[to Florence] no offense!--offering them your [finger quotes] honey. [Primly] That is only appropriate between adults with a preexisting and documentable relationship!
Dur: [Frowning] Easy Chuck! That kind of thinking is exactly what got us into our current mess! [By way of explanation to the group. You know, with the whole demon spawn thing.
Austin: [To Charlie] I'll decide what is appropriate for me, thanks you. Allow us to demonstrate Hongi [Takes a deep breath and attempts Hongi with Florence]
[FLORENCE reciprocates and AUSTIN is almost immediately catapulted backwards as soon as their noses touch, landing in a heap in FLORENCE's hedge.]
Irman: Austin! Are you okay? Alice: [Peers at Austin] Oh no! His nose!
Austin: [Holding his nose] Ahh, my noze! [Gets up and checks his suit, carefully brushing off any leaves etc, with a gilted clothes brush. To Irman] Thank you, yes.[CHecks his nose in a mirror]
afk rest of day
[His nose is fine.]
Austin: [Glares at Alice] My nose is even more perfect than usual.
Dur: Yes, but what about the tattoo!
Heather is also afk
Charlie: Indeed! Show us!
[AUSTIN displays his perfectly tanned and smooth back, showing that he too, has a similar tattoo to the others.]
Austin: I see that mine is far more stylish than the others. This does not surprise me.

Updatedmap and tattoo page

Clint: Now we just need to figure out what to do with our individualized bar codes...
Irman: Yes, yes, it is fascinating! What do they mean? And how is it related to Florian Hall? After all, isn't that the tattoo that The Jewel has?
Shor: Perhaps the tattoos interlink in some way?
Austin: [Copies the different tattoos onto his notpad] Let's try the different permutations of layout and see if they fit together like a jigsaw or something?
Dur: Maybe they are maps of different floors?
Alice: [Peering over his shoulder] I bet they do fit together! I'm great at doing jigsaws, I once had one that was supposed to take 3-5 years and I had it done in under six months! I mean, sure, I had to get the servants to do it, but still, I was the one who bought it. [Thinks] Well, *I* didn't buy it, Daddy did, and gave it to my sister Dahlia and she cheerfully gave it to me. [Thinks some more] Actually, not really, I just sulked so much that she gave it to me to stop the constant crying and complaining. [Thinks yet more] She didn't really *give* it to me, I just stole it. [Pause] Well, *I* didn't steal it, I got one of the servants to do it, and, well, hey, don't you judge me!
Austin: Your servants obviously bullied you into it. Would you like to begin a long and expensive lawsuit against them?
snorted my tea ... was it really that funny or am I just too geeky?
Dur: I don't think we have time for that right now!
; snorted my tea ... was it really that funny or am I just too geeky?
Can't it be both?
Alice: Hey! I'm the victim here, Dur!
;;; snorted my tea ... was it really that funny or am I just too geeky?
;; Can't it be both?
Tea-snortingly geeky is what we're going for!
Charlie: [To Alice, sympathetically] Indeed, having inadequate, disappointing servants can be very painful. [To the others] While Alice finds a way to cope, perhaps we could see if these patterns join together somehow?
Alice: I think the servants tried to find the corner pieces first. I mean, it's not like I was paying attention or was even in the house at the time, of course.
Austin: Is it the floor plan of a house perhaps? [Muses] What is not clear is why my tattoo is so much superior, in every way, to the others. {studies his own tattoo] Harmonious, bold, striking and yet with infinite depths and subtlety. [Sighs] ;;awa hame
Alice: Maybe the beauty of the tattoo is inversely proportional to that of the tattooed?
Dom's gone, and there's no way Aus would let such an
egregious attack go

Austin: [Still swooning at his beauty] Such jealousy, while understandable, does not become you, Alice. Now, quickly, all of you focus on solving this problem, I can't be expected to do everything for you!
;; Dom's gone, and there's no way Aus would let such an
;; egregious attack go
Charlie: [Studying the tattoos] Well, Shor's could be a corner, could it not? And mine could fit above his [does a quick drawing to demonstrate], could it not? Of course, the pieces mightn't be oriented the way they need to fit, and could be flipped as well!
Alice: Yep, they definitely do both look like corners, and I bet you're right, we can't assume that they don't have to be oriented differently. [Looks closely] You know, there is a kind of a tapered shape on the lines, isn't there?
Clint: Is there? You know what would really help is if we could get accurate drawings on a piece of paper, cut them out, and play with them!
Or, y'know, just use photoshop or something.  =)  Very tired this
morning for some reason - probably because carting my office back to my home a backpack-load at a time is tiring work!
Alice: Or even better, put them together in some way that makes sense!
;; Or, y'know, just use photoshop or something. =)
Rather conveniently, in anticipation of such a suggestion, I took the
precaution of putting high resolution copies of them all here:

The tattooes

;; Or, y'know, just use photoshop or something. =) Very tired this
Well, Tom, if you're going to steal an office, you should really
take the precaution of getting a moving truck!
On 1/17/19 3:48 PM, Conor Ryan

;; Rather conveniently, in anticipation of such a suggestion, I took
;; Well, Tom, if you're going to steal an office, you should really
I think I've mentioned that we're moving buildings for a year. I'm
getting stuck in this godawful open-plan room with a dozen other people, and not happy about it!
Since I'll have so much less space, I've been carting things home a
bit at a time.  Buuut, the university has no free parking, anywhere, so my plan has been to
come in at night and drive a few boxes back home.   Naturally, the
administration has responded by changing the locks on my current building.  It's really, really stupid.
; I think I've mentioned that we're moving buildings for a year. I'm getting stuck in this godawful open-plan room with a dozen other people, and not happy about it!
; Since I'll have so much less space, I've been carting things home a bit at a time.  Buuut, the university has no free parking, anywhere, so my plan has been to
; come in at night and drive a few boxes back home.   Naturally, the administration has responded by changing the locks on my current building.  It's really, really stupid.
Ironically my whole office is also transitioning into open-plan floors also. No more offices unless they are just for conference rooms. I wonder if this is a new plague spreading through Texas?
;; Ironically my whole office is also transitioning into open-plan floors also. No more offices unless they are just for conference rooms. I wonder if this is a new plague spreading through Texas?
I really hope not, but you have my deepest sympathy.  At least in my
case it's temporary (about a year) because my entire building is under renovation.
They said they "wouldn't really touch my office" except that they're
knocking out and replacing my exterior wall, which sort of sounds like "touching" to me!
Clint: Hmm. It looks like if you rotate mine counterclockwise it fits pretty nicely with the top of the Sarge's.
;; Rather conveniently, in anticipation of such a suggestion, I took the
;; precaution of putting high resolution copies of them all here:
Thanks, that was very helpful! A few minutes with those and GIMP
and I think I got it sorted.
But I don't want to just announce my entire proposed solution
because it only seems fair to give
everyone else a chance too!
Alice: [Looking at them] No way! They don't belong together at all! see that they don't join together!
; They clearly do! Take a look at

Updatedmap with Clint's suggestion at the bottom

;; Thanks, that was very helpful! A few minutes with those and GIMP
;; But I don't want to just announce my entire proposed solution
;; everyone else a chance too!
Oh please, shining a light under a barrel is hardly
; a Clint thing to do!!
Austin: That's very good Mr Scar, but you need to fit all of the pieces together!
out all day, back Monday
together! Charlie: [Highly skeptical] If Mr. Scar has a solution it cannot be correct! [To Clint] Reveal your answer so that I may disprove it!
Alice: [Nods] You must admit, Stinky, it seems *highly* unlikely that you'd be able to solve anything, no offence!
Austin: Don't rule out random chance, or incompetence and luck!
conference was boring, food mediocre, back at desk
Alice: [Nods gravely] After all, at least two of those are reasons why we're stuck with him in the first place!
;; conference was boring, food mediocre, back at desk
Just in time to torture Clint about his boasting!
Alice: [Nods gravely] After all, at least two of those are reasons why

Shor: I think my tattoo might link with the old man's, if mine is turned on its side. [Bends sideways to demonstrate]
Heather's afk
Charlie: Oh, how splendid! That is quite correct!
Updated map page with Shor's suggestion added


Austin: And mine fits rather neatly and elgantly in the lower center, leaving only one position for the last piece!
Clint: Are you sure, lawyer? I think yours is another corner, and Alice's goes in the center.
That's easier to see if you click on the tattoos, which gives a
larger view.
;; Oh please, shining a light under a barrel is hardly a Clint thing to do!!
Clint is deep, with many layers, like an onion. And pungent, also
like an onion.
; I really hope not, but you have my deepest sympathy.  At least in my case it's temporary (about a year) because my entire building is under renovation.
; They said they "wouldn't really touch my office" except that they're knocking out and replacing my exterior wall, which sort of sounds like "touching" to me!
Sounds like they have a very "Dur" definition of touching: Do it when he's not looking!
Alice: No, you're both wrong. Austin's goes in the corner and mine goes in the centre! Hurrah! We're done! [Looks at it] Huh, what now?
The complete puzzle

Thepuzzle completed

Irman: This is ever so exciting!
Austin: It looks like the layout of a building, with a secret room in the middle?
out for most of the day
Alice: It definitely seems to be leading to whatever is in the centre, but what is it a map of?
Charlie: Perhaps Florian Hall? It seems to be a center of some importance here!
Alice: That's right! I bet anything it's Florian Hall!

Irman: It most certainly isn't. [Points at Clint] His is the map of Florian Hall. The problem you face is how to get into it, recall that you need to Walk The Line.

;;: See

How toget into Florian Hall

Charlie: Perhaps the tattoos ARE the line? [Overlays the tattoo map on the Townagain map] See, perhaps we need to retrace this path around the town? It fits--somewhat?
Irman: [Gasps] It ends with the door of Florian Hall!

Thepuzzle overlaid on the map

Charlie: [Delighted] Marvelous! Let us begin to [finger quotes] walk the line at once!!
Alice: Yay! Let's do some line walkin'! [Thinks] Where does the line start?
start? Charlie: [To Irman] Which of the lines crosses the door to Florian Hall? Perhaps we can work backwards from that?
Irman: These two here. [Indicates the lines that join to Building 48] I think the door is right between those two.
Austin: Perhaps we should do this tomorrow morning after some sleep?
Alice: [Jumps, startled] Laundry day! [Rubs her eyes] I mean, what?

Irman: Come on, you can all sleep in my place.
Austin: [Comfortably] An excellent idea, thank you, that's most kind.
[Book X, Act XI, Scene VIII. IMRAN's kitchen. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and SHOR are here, sitting around the table the following morning, all having just arrived in from their respective rooms to a huge feast of breakfast. IRMAN zips around handing out various foodstuffs.]
Irman: This is ever so exciting! No one has ever survived Florian Hall!
Austin: Is Florian Hall insured? It may not survive us!
Charlie: [To Irman, concerned] What do you mean, no one has survived? Is walking the line dangerous? Or is the Hall filled with terrors?
Irman: [Excitedly] No one has ever survived Walking The Line!
Austin: Is that because you don't have boats?
Austin: Did most of them drown in the water?
Irman: I don't know what that is, so I'll go with.... maybe!
Irman: No one has ever drowned in the water. Why would they go in there?
Dur: [Shudders] My sentiments exactly!
Austin: Because the line goes into the water?
Alice: So no one has ever survived trying to walk the line?

Irman: Not a single one!
Irman: Aw! You might be a cutie, Austin, but you sure don't know much about Walking The Line!
Austin: Please, do explain further.
Charlie: But it appears a rather straightforward venture! What are the dangers?
dangers? Austin: I meant explain about me being a cutie! [Sighs]
Irman: Oh there are many dangers, Sweetie! You could distract me from important research and scholarly activities... I may become seized with a jealous rage when I see you speaking to some of your old friends and throw all your belongings into pile outside on a particularly rainy night.

Alice: Oh please! We've all gone through insane periods of unjustified jealousy! What she meant is what are the dangers of Walking The Line?

Irman: [Looks at Alice as though she is insane] I don't know.
Clint: Well, why don't we just try it and find out?  Doing dangerously stupid and/or stupidly dangerous things is our entire m.o.!
Alice: So, you don't know the dangers of Walking The Line, but loads of people have been killed doing it?

Irman: I never said that. I said that no one had survived it.
Austin: Tell me again what a cutie I am [Smiles at Irman]
Austin: Has anyone even tried to walk the line?
Charlie: [To Irman, quickly] We haven't time for that! We need to know what happened to those who attempted to walk the line. No one has survived walking the line, but you do not know how they were killed?
Irman: No, because no one ever knew where it was until now!
Charlie: So, you are saying no one has survived it merely because no one has ever attempted it?!
Irman: "Merely" somewhat denigrates the level of analysis, but yes, that would be accurate.

Alice: So, in the same way one could say that you are still alive because no one has killed you yet?

Irman: Many have tried and failed!

Alice: Really?

Irman: Well, failed because I am a quick hide and can completely fit myself into quite the smallest of places, but a fail is a fail!
Charlie: [To Irman, disapprovingly] You, sir, are not helpful!
Clint: You're only saying that because he hasn't helped yet.
Irman: I am not trying to be helpful, merely informative. Science has no master!
master! Charlie: [To Irman] Spoken like a man who has never received a grant from the Science & Stuff Foundation! [To the party, boldly] To The Line, group!
Alice: [Leaps up] The Line! [Thinks for a moment] Uh, where does it start? [Looks at the map with the overlay]


Austin: [Tuts. To Charlie] Spoken like a somone who does not appreciate a shower, warm bed and delightful breakfast! [To Irman] Well, you have been helpful and informative. Thank you for your kind hospitality. [Heads out]
Irman: Any time, sweetie pie, any time!
[The party head out of IRMAN's house.]
Alice: So where's The Line?
Dur: We have a map, don't we?
Austin: Yes, but parts of the map were not on our tattoos, and parts of the line go through the river, or walls. Do you think that there might be an underground passage that matches the map?
Alice: Yes we do! [Shows Dur the map with the overlay] And I guess it ends at Florian Hall, but where does it start?
Charlie: [Gestures to the two lines on the south side of Building 48] Irman theorized this might indicate the door of Florian Hall. Perhaps one line is the beginning and the other the end?
Alice: Or maybe it's another maze? The tattoo that Dur had was one.
So perhaps we have to follow the tattoos in the order they were received?
Alice: Who got the first one? I think we started here [points to the dock near #34] that's the first place we saw in the town, where Sharesee was brushing her hair. The first person to get one was Shor.
Charlie: [Thoughtfully] Even though Dur suggested it, perhaps we should try it! Shall be begin there and proceed to the location of the next tattoo?
Alice: Well, Shor's one is where we first started in the town, so I guess we should start on the dock? [She means near Building 34] You were next, Charlie, so that's up around Building 01, right?
Austin: Sounds like a good plan. Let's go and test it out! [Waits for someone else to go first]
Clint: Can we even get from one to the other on a single tattoo?
Colin is afk?
Shor: [Claps Austin on the back] Well said, my friend! [To Clint] Fear not, feeble old man! I will lead you. I know, it may seem like a huge distance, but we may fashion some sort of cart or wheelbarrow and get some ragamuffins to push you. [Boldly leads the party up between #16 and #17] Where now? To the right?

Theroute so far

Charlie: [Looking at the map, eagerly falling in step next to Shor] Yes, right and then left! We wish to move toward #1!
insulting your leader. Right will do.
Shor: [Laughs at Austin] Ha! Like the feeble old man could lead anything other than the charge to the bathroom in the middle of the night! [Continues to walk, holding the map so Charlie can see it] What next?

Alice: It looks like we can either go to the north or south of Building #3. Does it matter?

RouteVersion 2

Charlie: [Considers the map] Let us try north, as that southern alleyway could be narrower than we think!
Austin: [Checks his slim and beautiful figure in a quick panic, then sighs in relief] I might have had a Panda burger, it you had left one for me!
Alice: I know, Aus has been chomping on Panda Burgers like they're going out of style!!
[The party head along the north side to beyond building #1.]
Shor: Straight down and hang a left at #18?
Alice: Oh please, you have panda flakes on your shirt!
Austin: You need to clean or change your contact lenses.
Alice: [Smiles] I know, all that panda shrapnel, right?
[The party continue their walking, including some fairly aggressive sucking in of guts as they pass through some narrower parts, until they find themselves at the south west corner of the town.]
Alice: [Consulting the map] Straight through between these two houses?

RouteVersion #3

Charlie: [Eyes the path between the houses. Concerned, to Alice] Do you think your hips will make it through?
Austin: Hips? It's her butt that's likely to get stuck!
Alice: [To Charlie] You mean on account of my sexy swaying? I think I might manage it. [Turns and looks at Austin] Aw! [Big smile] I knew you liked my curvy ass, Austin!
Clint: Psst, Bimbo, these days "curvy" means "fat," like in all the grossly overweight broads telling us "I'm not fat, I'm just curvy." Just a heads up!
Dur: Don't worry my dear, after this mission I will ensure to recommend a dietary program that will is guaranteed to help you lose weight fast! Or at least, that's what that rather suspicious gentleman in that darkened alleyway told me...
Austin: [To Alice] Absolutely. Your curves are delightful.
Alice: [To Clint] But you are fat, Clint! [Reassuringly] Don't worry, though, that's not why girls don't like you, it's more because of the smell. [Thinks] And the personality. [Thinks] And those awful fingernails. [Thinks] And, well, hm, maybe you should worry, Stinky, maybe you should. [To Austin] Agreed!
Charlie: [To Clint, reassuringly] Do not let her worry you, Mr. Scar! There will always be women with very low self-esteem prepared to exchange money for sexual favors!
Alice: Well, that's just sad.
Colin's still out?

Shor: [Claps Clint on the back] Don't worry, he's so old now he probably has lost all such desires!

Alice: Where next?
;; Colin's still out?
Austin: Good question. I suppose Mr Scar could join a celibate priesthood to wait out his final years?
Alice: I don't know, I always saw him more as a scary man in a house at the end of the street that all the kids are afraid of and tell terrifying stories about.
I'm sure Tom is sound asleep!

Clint: Hey you kids! Get offa my lawn!
;;; I'm sure Tom is sound asleep!
Shor: [In a croaky old man voice] I'd chase after you pesky kids if my knees hadn't fused through decrepitude!
Austin: My, my, you aged quickly. The saying " the candle that burns half as brightly burns twice as long", is clearly not true in your case. We should get going before these old men die.
Alice: Good idea, Austin. Which way?
Austin: Between 22 and 25?
Charlie: [To Austin] Indeed! Follow me, group! [Heads for the gap between 22 and 25]
Alice: [Sharp intake of breath] So... not between 25 and 22, then? Oh-kay!
[Before long, the party emerge between the gap between 24 and 27, somehow still alive.]
No Kevin and Tom yesterday??
Dur: What now? [Looks at the map] I don't see where the restaurant is.
[The party see a man, FLENNIS DEMMING, holding a large bucket, spreading some brown and greenish liquid on the ground. It isn't clear what it is, but the party can smell it from here, and everyone's stomach turns slightly at the sight of the steam coming off it and the stench from FLENNIS.]
Flennis: [Looks at the party] 'sup?


Charlie: [Covering her nose in revulsion] No, we haven't time to eat, thank you! Could you let us pass, please?
Flennis: There's loads of space. [Continues spreading his disgusting cocktail on the ground so there's a huge puddle of it] I'm just poring slime and minding my own business.

Updatedmap, now with slime!

Dur: Is there a reason your spraying your slime all over the place, my good man?
I sent a response yesterday but maybe I forgot to hit 'reply all'
Flennis: Who you calling good? [Glares at Dur]
;; I sent a response yesterday but maybe I forgot to hit 'reply all'
Dur: No idea! We haven't been properly introduced yet, after all.
Flennis: The name's Demming, Flennis Demming. Chief crap-spreader.

Alice: Do you enjoy your work?

Flennis: I find it quite fulfilling.
Charlie: [Nods approvingly] Good for you! It is always better if one is at peace with one's limitations! Now, we shan't keep you from your duties any longer. [Gestures to the party] Come along, group! [Attempts to carefully cross the slimy expanse]
[Alas the expanse is number of feet across and quite large. The party could quite easily just walk around it, but that would involve crossing the green marker from the overlaid map.]
Alice: Did you really have to dump it right there? Flennis: I didn't *have* to.
Austin: [Looking in horror at the slime] We're doomed.
Austin: Could you wash it away?
sorry at a conference all day. Off to do dadding now
Flennis: [Shrugs] Sure.

Alice: Will you wash it away?

Flennis: Certainly not! Do you have any idea how long it took me to produce that much faeces and vomit?

Alice: [Looks ill] If you were looking at yourself in the mirror, my guess is a few minutes!
Charlie: Well, surely you would not object if someone else [nods meaningfully at Dur, flashing a copper piece] cleaned it up, provided he offered admiring commentary as he worked?
Flennis: Uh... actually, as a matter of fact, I would. It's art, isn't it? Can't you just walk around it?
Dur: What's the big deal? It's just feces and vomit. I can walk straight through it!
Flennis: It's not just faeces and vomit. [Looks smug and satisfied, before starting to smoke a cigarette]
Charlie: [Wrinkles her nose] Surely you do not plan to simply keep it here, like some sort of grotesque monument to your poor life choices and depravity?
Clint: Well, it's going to have to go.
Out of idle curiosity, could we stretch a person - say, Flennis -
across the puddle and
cross in safety? Because if so, I don't mind laying him out for
the public good.
Flennis: I certainly don't plan to move it. Why can't you just walk around it?
;; Out of idle curiosity, could we stretch a person - say, Flennis -
;; cross in safety? Because if so, I don't mind laying him out for
; Nope, it's wider than that
around it? Charlie: [Briskly] We prefer the more efficient route right in front of us! [Pokes the pool of muck with a stick] How deep is it? [Tests the bottom for slippiness with the stick] Is it terribly slippy?
On Fri, 1 Feb 2019 at 10:27, Heather

[It's about three inches deep; enough to be disgusting but not deep enough to drown in.]
Flennis: Slippier than a flea's wotsit what's had seeing to by a prune on prune juice.
[The party stare blankly at him.]
Flennis: Yes. Yes it is quite slippy.
Charlie: [To the group, wrinkling her nose] I suppose we had better wade through, and begin crawling if we find it too slippery to traverse!
Austin: We could just wait until it goes away. We could wait in the Inn.
Flennis: That's a good idea -- I think there's a bunch of Panda Burgers there and beers and library books and pantswiches and exercise equipment.

Alice: Oh please, do you really think we're just going to give up and go to the inn?

Flennis: I think there's a bunch of hair care products too.

Alice: [To the party] You know, maybe we should go there?
Charlie: [Firmly] We can go later, as a treat, after we complete our task! [Urging the party forward] Come along, we are almost there!
Flennis: Take your time! Just relax.... chill out, chill.... CHILL!
Clint: Maybe we could sled across on a door?
Flennis: That's right, take your time, get yourself a door rather than walk across the scary liquid.

Alice: [Stops into the liquid, pausing for a moment to kick some back at Clint] Stop being such a girl!
Charlie: [Starts to wade into the slime slowly. To Clint, appeasingly] We can find a door for you to kick in later, fear not!
Alice: If your shoes aren't too dirty, Princess!
[ALICE and CHARLIE successfully make it over to the other side.]
Clint: Well, as long as it's a good door!  [Plows through the slime, making sure to kick a fair amount onto Shor, ideally in his hair.]
[CLINT splashes through the disgusting slime, showing SHOR with all sorts of repulsive splashes.]
Charlie: [To Shor] Do not let him dissuade you from our mission! Stay the course, and Mr. Sleaze will allow you to use some of his dreadful hair care products made from the fear and suffering of baby sea otters!
Austin: [Watching in horror as the others cross] Nope, nope nope nope nope. Nope.
Flennis: Quite right, you just walk around my friend. Walk around and stay clean.

Alice: Come on, Aus! Don't you think the fact that this filthy fellow doesn't want you to keep walking the line means that you should?
Austin: He has nothing to do with it. [Looks around for a portable bridge, or stilts, pallets, power hose, horse, carriage etc]
Dur: Come on Lawyer! Mind over matter. Mind over filthy, vile, disgusting matter!  
[Alas, there are no handy tools for getting across.]
Alice: Maybe Shor could carry you over? You could wear his hat while he does so!
Austin: Nope. Trust issues. [looks for a tree to fell that would fall over the slime]
Flennis: [Laughs] That's it, idiot, waste another few minutes, that's all it'll take!
Charlie: [To Austin, urgently] Try to think of it as an exotic mud bath! [Encouragingly] Perhaps your skin will come out glowing!
Colin's out?
Shor: Sorry, counsellor, it's time to go. [Grabs Austin, fireman style, and charges across the slime, depositing him on the other side] See? That wasn't so bad, was it!
Clint: Onwards! We're almost done, after all!
Clint: Onwards! We're almost done, after all!
Austin: [Greatly relieved, straightening his suit] Thank, Shor. You are most kind. I do hope we never have to do that ever again.
Shor: Fear not, my delicate friend, I don't mind carrying you.
Clint: [Snorts.] Sounds like you're exactly each others' type!
Apologies for the double-post this morning.  Rice's webmail is
strangely tetchy.
Charlie: [Nods] Indeed, Shor, you are the proverbial knight in shining armor to Mr. Sleaze's helpless maiden!
Austin: Sarge, you really must focus on the task at hand. Such childish fantasies of knights and maidens will only slow us down.
Alice: [Dreamily] It could be beautiful, Aus, like that story about Cinderfella, who was rescued by the handsome prince!
Austin: Perhaps Charlie can read you a bedtime story later. Any story with me in it would be fundamentally beautiful.
Alice: True, the one about the poor, timid Alyssa escaping from the clutches of her mean step sister Austina and then goes to Aldovia to write a story about the playboy prince who falls in love with her, that's so beautiful! However, we can put on our flouncy dresses later, to Florian Hall!
[Exit the party towards Florian Hall, the huge building in the centre of the town.]
End of scene, next one coming right up
[Book X, Act XI, Scene IX. The Door of Florian Hall. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and SHOR are here, outside the huge double doors. There is a huge crowd of people waiting here, who step back to give them space as they approach, and sitting at a small table with a large bottle of whiskey is HANK MOCKBRIAR, a man with a microphone and the most awful jacket anyone has ever seen.]
Hank: Aaaaaand stepping up to the door right now is the Queens View Party. You know, some people say that this team is past their prime and that turning up here today is just likely to cause them humiliation and embarrassment. And so far, Austin has had to have been carried by Shor, Clint felt up an unconscious woman and the rest of them are wearing shoes filled with all sorts of disgusting faeces, bile, semen and yogurt, which, frankly, makes them smell even worse than Flennis' favourite stinky cheese. [Thinks] Wait a minute, yogurt? Well, that can't be right. [Takes a drink from a mug and swishes it around] Huh, well, what do you know, there is yogurt in there.


Charlie: [Self-consciously tries to smooth her hair, only to unintentionally wipe Flennis slop on her head. To Hank, haughtily] At least we know better than to try and drink it! [Quickly shoots Dur a warning look]
Hank: [Laughs] Oooh! Some spirit being shown there by Dr. Charlotte Parker-Kensington! Charlie, as she's known, played for some time with the Watchers before jumping ship to the Queens View party, which soon led to her meeting up with Pestilence Sotot, ex-Angel, current demon and baker of surprisingly delicious and lovingly crafted pastries.
Austin: [To Hank] Is your job well paid?
Charlie: [To Austin] If he is, he is grossly overpaid, as his research is quite inaccurate. [To Hank] Pestilence is an ex-demon, current angel! [Nods] The rest is correct! His baking skills are superb.
Hank: The party members seem quite distracted from their task, which is often the case in high pressure situations for them. Somehow they believe that focusing their attention your lowly paid commentator is a better use of their time than entering Florian Hall, although, given the horrors and almost certain death that awaits them, it probably *is* a better use of their time.
Austin: Highly unlikely.[To the party] Let's go!
Hank: Oh! Out of the park! In a classic Austin move, he makes it sound like he's making a decision but actually waits for someone else to do something.

Alice: [To Austin] Wow! He certainly seems to have go your number, Aus!

Hank: Big talk from the girl with the exposed roots, which is somewhat surprising given that it is, and I wish you could see my finger quotes, folks, laundry day yet again. And no, that awful grey monstrosity that's flying over the stadium right now is not the national flag of the most boring country in the world, it is, and I think I have this right, a pair of Alice's Special Comfort Pants. [Grimaces] Now, why would she call them pants when they are clearly underpants? Folks, maybe it's just me, but sometimes I wonder about these young people and their boring underwear.

Alice: [To Hank] But it is laundry day! [Looks up] Hey!
Austin: He can have my number. I've blocked him already! [Cautiously tries to get into Florian Hall]
Charlie: [To Hank] Do you really think it reflects well on YOU that you are so familiar with Alice's undergarments?! [To the party] Ignore this badly dressed, mean-spirited man, group! [Commandingly] Let us enter Florian Hall!
Hank: Outstanding! Even with Shor and Clint there, it still falls to the smallest, slimmest and some would say, most attractive member of the party to open the door. Recall, folks, that no one has survived an entry to Florian Hall in some six hundred years, and that the doors haven't even been opened in probably three hundred years. Let's see what this boy can do.
[AUSTIN slowly turns the handle, slowly.... slowly... CLICK! The entire door shudders as some mechanism inside catches, and the door opens very slightly, causing gasps of amazement from the onlooking crowd and a polite round of applause.]
Hank: Well, I'll be! That's a full on on opening there by the young man from Queens View. Let's watch that again.
[The party turn to see that there is now a huge TV screen behind them showing a replay of AUSTIN's skilful door opening.]
Hank: A slow approach by the young man, but he grasped that knob like a hooker down to her last copper piece. Let's see what happens next!
Charlie: [To the party] Follow me, group! [Boldly strides to enter the door]
No Colin again today?
Shor: Allow me! [Steps forward and pushes the door in, sword drawn]

Hank: Ooooh! Shamed into taking action, Shor slides in through the open door, slipping in ahead of Charlie!
[The party follow SHOR in and see the door leads into a corridor the curves around in an anti-clockwise direction, and that there is a flat wall to their left.]
Clint: I guess this is obvious enough. Someone should be comparing everything to our little cheat sheet, or, if you prefer to call him that, Dur.
[HANK's voice booms out.]
Hank: Clint there, passing the buck, once again shirking the responsibility of making a decision or taking any action outside of scratching some part of his anatomy. Let's see who else tries to avoid making a decision. Frankly, folks, if this is the best we can do for heroes today, then I'm glad that I'm just a sad old drunk with a porn habit bordering on uncontrollable.
Dur: [Frowning] Everyone has hobbies I suppose....
Alice: That's true. Some are interesting and cool, like knowing all about the science of hair care. Others, like putting sandwiches in pants and stuff, well, they're just pathetic.
Charlie: [Beams at Alice approvingly] Science is interesting and [finger quotes] cool, I quite agree!
Austin: Fairy tales later, please! Mr Dur, please reveal your tattoo
[DUR obliges, and, rather disturbingly, the tattoo still contains the inked on solution by AUSTIN.]
Hank: Well, folks, it looks like the party have figured out that Dur's tattoo is a map of the interior of Florian Hall. The big question is, do they know about the monster?
Austin: Okay, so we follow my solution to the maze. Let's move [Heads off following his line, slingshot ready]
off following his line, slingshot ready] Charlie: [Sword out, following Austin] We shall not be deterred by this alleged monster!
Alice: [Also drawing her sword] Let's kill this monster!
[Everyone else draws their weapons too.]
Hank: Now this *is* a surprise, folks, who would have expected Austin to lead the party with such certain death ahead of them?
[The party continue and find that the corridors are indeed the maze on DUR's back, and, following AUSTIN, eventually get to the centre, where there is a ladder leading up into darkness.]
Hank: Well, I'll be jiggered. They somehow have got to the centre and not yet been eaten by the monster!
Charlie: [To the party, excited] Well done, group! Perhaps Dur's tattoo is leading us through the safest path!
Dur: [Hopefully] Or maybe there IS no monster?
Alice: Or maybe the monster is our own insecurity? That the way we defeat it is to simply climb up the stairs?
[A deafening growl from way up in the darkness suggests otherwise.]
Alice: Or maybe not.
Dur: [Swallows nervously] The tattoo on my back doesn't highlight a conveniently placed hiding spot by chance, does it?
Alice: Not that I can see. Is there another part to it? Maybe some dark tunnel leading up? Do you have anything like that, Dur?
Clint: No.  No it doesn't.  Onwards!  [Heads up the stairs.]
My car door is possessed and ze car is in ze shoppe, which
apparently does not have ze internet.
Hank: Clint leads the charge up the stairs, followed closely by [as the party start to follow] Charlie, Austin, Alice, Dur and finally Shor.

Alice: How is it that he can see everything?

Hank: Oooooh! I guess it's laundry day again!
Dur: [Huffing] Maybe he IS the monster?
Clint: Anyone who would mock poor Alice's laundry problems is *clearly* a monster, doc!
Alice: Hey! Washing one's clothes is hardly a problem Stinky, unless you never do it, which you don't, so it is!
[CLINT reaches a metal trap door at the top of the ladder.]
Clint: Everybody ready?  Good!  [Tries the door.]
If Clint can open the door, he'll head on through.
[CLINT pushes the metal door open and starts to climb up, only to give a cry of pain and surprise as someone stabs him in the face, causing him to fall back.]
Hank: Right below the cheekbone, that's a devastating stab to the face!
Charlie: [Rushes to help Clint] Steady, Mr. Scar! We shall avenge your hideous ruin of a face, fear not!
[CHARLIE and ALICE grab onto CLINT while still holding onto the ladder. He bangs off the others, spraying AUSTIN and SHOR with blood, but manages to grab onto the ladder.]
Alice: What the hell? Someone's waiting up there for us!
Austin: [Wiping the blood off carefully] Mr Scar, do be more careful!
Austin: Who is up there?
[IRMAN appears at the trapdoor.]
Irman: Hi Sweetie! Sorry about that! That was Cello getting overly excited!
Dur: I can prescribe them some medication for that!
Charlie: [To Irman, surprised] What are you doing here? I thought you said no one had ever survived walking the line before!
Alice: [To Dur] Clint is hurt! Can't you look after him? [Thinks]

Irman: That's right! No one has, but no one has ever tried it, either. Does absence of success mean failure? We should discuss.
Austin: May we come up? Without being victims of violence?
Irman: Of course! Cello, stand in the corner and hang your head in shame!
[The order on the ladder is CHARLIE, AUSTIN, CLINT, ALICE, DUR and SHOR, although there is enough space to pass each other.]
Charlie: [To Irman] Very well, we are coming up, and we should be very interested to hear how you found your way here, given that you did not walk the line, apparently! [Heads up the ladder]
Irman: It's actually really interesting, you see --
[IRMAN stops talking as CELLO stabs CHARLIE in the shoulder just as she starts to climb out, causing her to fall back down. Fortunately, AUSTIN and ALICE grab onto her to stop her, and she pulls herself back onto the ladder, severely wounded.]
Alice: Hey!

Hank: Now, that's gotta hurt. Just to recap, two members of the party are severely wounded, multiple members are soaked with blood from Clint, which, folks, let's face it, is probably ripe with Hepatitis, and one, well, one of the party is Dur.
Dur: So what's with all the stabbing? I thought we were all friends?
Irman: I am SO embarrassed! Cello, another evening ruined by your oafishness! Apologise at once!

Cello: [Peering down] Sorry about that. Come on up, I promise I won't do it again. I think Florence has some a sausage in her pants. Wait, that can't be right. [Turns to someone out of view before turning back to the party] Actually, it's some a slice of salami in her stockings. Ew.
Austin: This is pretty messed up. [To Irman] Why did Cello stab us?
Dur: [Drooling uncontrollably] Listen, there are very few things that could prevent me from rushing to the call of stocking salami. Still, perhaps you could give us the knife as proof of your promise?
Cello: Sure. [Holds the sword down towards Austin, who's at the head of the ladder]

Alice: Hey! Pointy end last, lady!
[CELLO turns the sword around so that the handle is pointing towards AUSTIN.]
Irman: She's just a bit irritable on account of... well, I think it's basically that's she's just a bitch, right?

Cello: [Shrugs] That certainly sounds like me.
Austin: [Cautiously takes the sword] Thanks.Could you all please step well back from the top of the ladder and let us come up, please? .
[As AUSTIN reaches up, CELLO throws the sword at him, hitting him in the face, causing him to fall back, but he hangs onto the ladder.]
Cello: Hah! Idiots! Duplo, they're all yours!
[DUPLO appears, standing over the trapdoor, holding a crossbow that he points at the party.]
Duplo: Say hello to my little friend! Alice: [Looks up] Ew! What is it with this guy and not wearing underpants?
Dur: [Nervously waves at the crossbow] Ummm. If we say hello to it, will you put it away?
Clint: [Bleeding profusely.] What we need is a shield of some sort. Or [glances at Shor] maybe a human shield!
[DUPLO fires an arrow that strikes SHOR, who barely hangs on.]
Duplo: Yay! This fun! Let's get the boiling oil!
Charlie: [Alarmed] Move away from the door, group! Hurry!
Alice: We'll never get down fast enough! Maybe we should charge them?

Duplo: Charge us? We're not going pay you anything, you losers!
Austin: [To Alice] I think that's our only option!
Aus will fire his slingshot at Duplo if he can
[Alas, there's no space for the slingshot, but SHOR roars into life, clambering over the party members and leaps up just as DUPLO lifts a huge metal pot.]
Shor: Did someone say hero? [Crashes into the pot, knocking it and Duplo over, out of sight of the party] Alice: [Loudly to be heard over the sound of Duplo screaming] Let's go!
Charlie: [Charging up the ladder after Shor] Hurry, group!
Dur: [Charging up safely in last position] Why are our new friends attacking us?
[The party burst up through the trapdoor only to come under a hail of arrows from FLORENCE, SHARESEE and WILLO', with each of ALICE, CHARLIE and DUR taking hits.]
Willo': Hashtag Notyourfriends! Hank: Boy oh boy, now this is a rumble!
Austin: [Tries to shoot Cello] What's wrong with these people!
[AUSTIN's stone smacks CELLO in the forehead, sending her staggering back, as the other party members draw swords and crouch down behind the door of the trapdoor which sticks up at an angle.]
Alice: How did they even get in here?
Austin: [Reloading] This whole thing is a setup!
Clint: Cover me while I throw these losers down the chute?
Alice: Hey! What the hell, Clint? Are you going to turn on us too?

Shor: I think the old man means [gestures to the others] those losers, although, [laughs] it seems highly unlikely that he could thrown anything down that chute without hurting his back!

Alice: Well, that makes more sense, I suppose. We're kind of pinned down, aren't we? [Looks around] Huh, the only cover is this door.
[AUSTIN tries to fire a shot, but immediately ducks back as a hail of arrows thud into the door.]
Austin: Perhaps the door comes off it's hinges easily [Checks the hinge mechanism]
mechanism] Charlie: Good idea! [To the group] Let us check carefully for hidden doors and such, as well!
[Arrows continue to thud into the door as the party look around, but the entire room seems to be made of sheer stone. Fortunately, the door DOES look like it can simply slide off the hinges.]
Alice: Hopefully, Austin, as our very survival [stagily] depends on it! [Looks disappointed at the lack of laughter from the party, even as more arrows hit the door] I mean, hinges on it!
Austin: [To Clint] If you could slide this door off it's hinges we can rush them, holding it to shield us from their arrows. Okay?
Shor: Come on, old man, let's do it together!
[SHOR and CLINT slide the door to one side and lift it out of the hinges, just as CELLO charges at the party.]
Cello: Damned cheatin' bastards!
[Just as she raises her sword, the party start their charge, smacking into her and sending her plunging into the now unprotected hole.]
Cello: Noooooooooo! [Hits the ground far below at the bottom of the ladder with a satisfying thunk]
Austin: Mind the hole!
Charlie: Let us charge these horrid, deceptive people, group! [Tries to charge toward the cluster of attackers]
Willo': Hashtag Totallyuncalledfor!
[The party engage, with IRMAN, FLORENCE, WILLO' and SHARESEE switching to swords. The party charge them with their door, flattening SHARESEE against the wall with a strangely satisfying squelching sound as the others dive for cover.]
Sharesee: My hair! My beautiful hair!
Austin: [Tries to stab Sharesee, if she is closest] Is that a blue rinse?
[AUSTIN can't get near her because of the door.]
Sharesee: How dare you? How dare you? Can't you see how great my hair is? Alice: No, because you're behind the door! Show us!
[SHARESEE steps out and shows her beautiful hair. It is quite beautiful. AUSTIN stabs her in the heart.]
Willo': Hashtag dirtypool!
[WILLO', FLORENCE and IRMAN engage the rest of the party with sword play, inflicting wounds on each of DUR, ALICE and SHOR.]
Clint: Haw! It's time to kick ass and chew bubble gum, and I'm all out of bubble gum. [Tries to make while giving the party as much cover as possible.]
Dur: I can't believe we trusted you people! [Dur hurls pantswiches as best he can, aiming for the eyes of their foes]
Austin: [To Irman] Heartbreaker! [Tries to stab Irman]
Irman: Austin, no! They made me do it!

Florence: [Swallowing a pantswich whole] He still loves me -- quickly, let's kill the idiots!
[Another clash results in poor IRMAN being grievously wounded, and CLINT and SHOR each taking savage hits.]
Florence: Uh, perhaps we should discuss this?
Dur: Too late for that! Charge group! For the stocking sausages! [Dur tries to leap on Flo, attacking her as he might a free meal]
Austin: [Stabbing Irman] Who made you do what exactly?
Irman: Prevented me from telling you where all the treasure is hidden!
[In a disturbing act of ferocity, DUR batters FLORENCE, knocking her into the gaping hole where she plunges to her death. Meanwhile, the others attack WILLO', savagely wounding her.]
Willo': [Drops to her knees] Hashtag RIP. [Falls flat on her face]

Alice: Yay! We got Willo!

Willo': [Looks up again] Hey! It's Willo'! [Face falls to the floor again]
Dur: [Looks down the hole in horror] Dear Phili, what have I done. [Sobs] All those sausages...
Austin: [To Irman] Wrong answer [tries to stab Irman]
Clint: You can go back down and get them when we're done here, doc!
[Much to IRMAN's surprise, AUSTIN stabs him and kills him.]
Alice: Yikes, Aus, that's was stone cold!
[Much to IRMAN's surprise, AUSTIN stabs him and kills him.]
Austin: [Very angry] The traitor deserved it! [Wipes the blood from his dagger on Irman, and searches Irman]
[IRMAN has nothing of interest except a lock of AUSTIN's hair.]
Alice: [Looks around the room, which appears to have no exits other than the trap door the party came in through] What now? There's nothing here except us and two bodies!
Austin: [Searches the other body cautiously] Maybe there is a hidden exit?
exit? Charlie: [Searches the room for hidden exits] Let us all try to find one!
[AUSTIN searches through WILLO' but finds nothing more than a stack of thousands of selfies she has taken, each with varying degrees of duck facedness. Meanwhile, the rest of party step over the bodies and examine the room; it is essentially a dome with smooth concrete walls, none of which seem to be hollow.]
Austin: [Searches the room again ] This is like some kind of rocket? [Looks worried ]
Alice: Don't be silly Austin, if it was a rocket it would stick way up from the rest of the town and ... oh, it does stick way up from the rest of the town!
Charlie: [Examines the ceiling] Is there anyway through there, perhaps?
Alice: Hard to say, it looks dead smooth too. Maybe we could stack up these bodies and stand on them to get a closer look? They're just in the way, otherwise.
Austin: Good idea. Or I could stand on Shor's shoulders?
[SHOR obliges, and AUSTIN verifies that the ceiling is as smooth as the rest of the wall.]
Austin: [Getting down] Well Cello on the others must have entered this place some how. Perhaps Mr Scar can kick some walls in?
Dur: Or perhaps there is a second entrance on the ground? I would really hate to treat Clint's feet. I might die of exposure!  
Alice: [As Clint half heartedly kicks the very solid walls] We all would, Dur! If this really is a rocket, then why aren't we moving? Do we need to find the controls? [Eyes up Dur suspiciously] Are we carrying too much weight?
Austin: Well we should get going, we're wasting time here [Goes to go down the ladder]
Hank: What a turn around, folks! I am just speechless! The party have won the Battle of Florian Hall but don't seem to know what to do now. Maybe they're just wracked with guilt at having those two bodies in the room with them? Or maybe, just maybe, they're a pack of idiots that are dumber than a bag of hammers that are used to drive screws into concrete!
[AUSTIN climbs onto the ladder and starts to head down into the darkness.]
Charlie: [To the others] Never split the party! Follow us, group!
Alice: Are we just going to leave these bodies here? It's really disrespectful. I mean, surely we should at least dump them down the ladder so we have a soft landing in case the ladder is booby trapped!
Charlie: [Wrinkles her nose] That seems in very poor taste. I prefer our traditional method of sending Dur first, just in case!
Dur: [Starts pushing the bodies down the hole] Wait, what?
Dom is out for the next few days
Austin: [Looks up to see Irman's body falling through the hole] Wait, what?
[IRMAN bounces off AUSTIN and disappears into the distance, as AUSTIN storms back up.]
Austin: You idiot! I could have been killed!
Dur: Bah! You always say that when I start chucking dead bodies down random holes! [Starts pushing the next one out]
Clint: [Lends Dur a hand.] Besides, you weren't killed, were you? So what's the big deal? Let's replace the trap door while we're at it.
Austin: The big deal is that there will very soon be another body to throw down!
[The body of the misfortunate WILLO' is tossed out too. Hashtag WillOhNo. Meanwhile, CLINT and SHOR put the door back on and close it.]
Alice: Uh, so are we just going to stay here?
[There is a tremendous grinding sound from beneath the party's feet.]
Hank: Well sonofagun! I think they figured it out, well, either that or it is pure, blind luck. My money is on the blind luck!
Austin: Of course we figured it out! [To the party] Quickly, what is it?
throw down! feet.] Charlie: [Excited] Oh, are we going to be launched?!
Austin: [Panicky] Launched? [Calms himself] Well, yes, clearly.

Alice: Huh, so I guess we had to kill our doppelg=C3=A4ngers and dump them out of this room?

Hank: Annnnnnd finally! The dimwitted blonde gets it!
m Charlie: [To Austin] Are you going to let him say such awful things about you?!
Austin: Ah, poor simple minded Charlotte. How dreadfully bland your world must be, rather like your tweed suit.
[The whole room begins to shake.]
Dur: Wait, are we getting launched, or lunched, because I much prefer the latter! Just stating it for the record...
Alice: Maybe lunched means we're about to be eaten by a huge dragon?
Charlie: And, in either case, where are we going?!
Alice: Good question! I guess we better just relax and enjoy the ride.
[The entire room is fired high and fast into the air, sending everyone flat against the floor, somehow all having their initial impact softened by landing on ALICE.]
Alice: Ow!
End of Book X, Act XI. Next one coming up on MONDAY!
[Book X, Act XII, Scene I. The Room. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and SHOR are here, flattened to the ground as the room continues to soar high into the air.]
Alice: [Still underneath everyone] Oh god, this day can't get any worse!
[The room stops rising and everyone feels the g-force ease off.]
Alice: Thank god!
[The room starts to fall.]
Charlie: [To Alice, incredulously] Are you unfamiliar with the concept of the jinx?! [To the party] Assume crash positions, group!
[Everyone throws themselves on the ground in dramatic, over the top, positions to make it look like they have been in a huge crash.]
Alice: Oh please, god himself couldn't kill us!
Dur: Let's not put that challenge out there, hmmmm?
[The room starts to fall, throwing everyone to the ceiling, with ALICE once again, somehow managing to break everyone's impact.]
Alice: Aw, come on!
Charlie: [To Alice] Oh, do be grateful you offer such value to the group! [To Dur] Wouldn't you be pleased to be as squishy as Alice, like a well-worn pillow?
Austin: Does he know what a pillow is?
Alice: He certainly knows how to annoy one!
[The room stops with a shuddering crack, sending everyone to the floor.]
Alice: I guess we're here!
Austin: [Standing up and straightening his suit] They really need to work on the landing and take off. [Tries to open the door/hatch]
Clint: I thought it was fun! Like an amusement park ride, only with more complaining.
Austin: Thanks for the warning. I'm glad I have never been to such a horrible place.
Clint: Be pretty funny if that's where we are now! Let's take a look. [Helps Austin with the hatch.]
Alice: They're awful, Aus, full of mean Carnie folk and scary clowns. They're way worse than this.
[The hatch opens and PETER DEADPAN looks in.]
Peter: Oh great. They seem to be alive.

Alice: Scratch that, Aus, this is WAY worse!
Austin: [Excited and overjoyed] Peter! How fantastic to see you! You would not believe the crazy times we have had! [Rushes over to see Peter. Sighs is pleasure] So good that you are here!
would not believe the crazy times we have had! [Rushes over to see Peter. Sighs is pleasure] So good that you are here! Charlie: [Wrinkles her nose, regarding Peter with skepticism] Is it?
Peter: [Bored with Austin's joy] Dazzle me.
Austin: [Super pleased that Peter wants to hear his story] Well, first we were trapped in Nunpars fortress, but we escaped using a bazooka and catching a ride on a dragon. Then we killed the dragon and had to swim for our lives. Then we had to navigate a maze, kill a treacherous army, and escape in a rocket!
Peter: Oh please. Tell me more. Spare no detail, no matter how boring.
Austin: Really! [So pleased he giggles like a child] Well, we were having these terrible visions of possible futures, in one I hadn't washed in days, it was horrific! [Sighs in relief] Then my girlfriend at the time, you know how these things are, got herself roasted by a dragon, so that was end of, and then I met Irman, who turned out to be a horrible traitor who lied to us and then tried to kill us, oh, but that was after the horrific sludge we had to cross over, we almost died! Maplin will need years of therapy!
having these terrible visions of possible futures, in one I hadn't washed in days, it was horrific! [Sighs in relief] Then my girlfriend at the time, you know how these things are, got herself roasted by a dragon, so that was end of, and then I met Irman, who turned out to be a horrible traitor who lied to us and then tried to kill us, oh, but that was after the horrific sludge we had to cross over, we almost died! Maplin will need years of therapy! Charlie: [To Peter] And what brings you here, Mr. Deadpan?
Austin: [Frowns at Charlie] Is it so very rude to interrupt, Sarge! I had only just started my epic story!
Peter: An army of ducklings carried me here.
Colin is still away?

Shor: [Looks from Peter to Austin to Charlie and back again] What's going on here? What's with this guy?
Dur: And where is "here"?
Peter: The Cliff Of Fun and Nice Things.

Alice: Hm, didn't the dragon say he was bringing us to the The Cliff Of Misery? [Gives Peter a baleful look] This seems more miserable than fun and nice!
Charlie: [To Shor, nodding to Peter] This is Peter Deadpan. He [vaguely] assists us, in his fashion, sometimes.
Shor: Is his fashion Obnoxious Overgrown Fake Elf Chic?
Austin: [To Peter] I must apologise for my rude and basic companions. [To Shor] Peter is one of the greatest people who ever lived. A hero without equal.
Clint: Pretty much, yes.  Obviously the lawyer wants to have his babies, but there's no accounting for taste!
Shor: Don't be jealous, old man, he will still have time for you!
Charlie: [To Peter] How did you come to be here, Mr. Deadpan? Do you know of the people and places Mr. Sleaze described to you in such fawning detail?
Austin: Why don't we just get out of this rocket first. [Tries to get out of the rocket]
; out for the day
Peter: No, but I feel like I do because he told his story in such a captivating way.
[The party emerge from the rocket to find themselves on top of a mountain so high that it is up in the clouds where the air is thin. Standing with their backs to the rocket watching something out of sight of the party are DARIUS, DOMINIQUE, TOMMY ROTTEN, MAXWELL HOUSE, SNYDER, WENDY HOOK, JACK CROWE, AMACUS "MAC" BRINDLEWORTH, BODDY, POSEY PARKER, ANTHONY PARKER, gathered around shouting a cheering at something.]
Alice: What the hell is going on here?
Charlie: [Exits the rocket and cranes her neck to see what the crowd is watching. Excited] Oh, I do hope it is a lecture! [Starts jumping up and down to see over the crowd] Or the opening of a new rare book store!
Alice: Oh please! It's way cooler than that! Maybe the launch of a new range of Moreal Hair Care products? [The party crowd up behind to see that the others are gathered around watching a couple of snails slowly inch across a small track]

Darius: Come on, Dave!
Charlie: [Watching the snails, perplexed] Hello Darius! What nonsense is this?!
Darius: This is snail racing at the highest level!

Alice: So these are the world's fastest snails?

Darius: No, we're on highest point in the world.
Dur: It must be terribly boring up here. [Dur's stomach grumbles as he watches the snails race.]
Darius: Not really, we're just very easy to entertain.
Charlie: [Nods] So, you have all gathered for the express purpose of racing snails? Or is this just opportunistic snail racing?
Darius: You know how it is -- we're all super busy, we have to take our chances to race some snails whenever we can!

Alice: So... where's Bruni? We haven't seen her since the wedding, right?

Darius: Oh, you know angels, she's off doing a bunch of angel things.
Clint: [Avoiding Dominique.] But why doesn't that include the noble sport of snail racing?
Darius: Oh please -- you ever see a bunch of angels get together? They're way too drunk to avoid standing on the poor little guys!
Charlie: Oh, indeed! [To the party, wide-eyed] After Pestilence's work Philimas party, they decided it would just be safer and easier if they simply burned the whole building down rather than attempt to go back to work there!
Alice: [Excited] Wow! That sounds like my kind of Philimas party! Was Sexy Penis there?
Charlie: [Shaking her head] No, they were just playing charades!
Alice: Wow! Sounds like they're dealing with more than a tipsy maiden aunt enraged that she's been given "Bebbie Bows Ballas" as a clue!
Austin: [Frowns, thinking for a bit] Ahh, yes, well I expect there was some evidence of a serious crime that they needed to destroy.
Alice: What are you guys doing up here?

Darius: Hiding.
Austin: [Joking] We're not that bad are we? [Chuckles]
Peter: No. You're a veritable delight to be around.
Austin: [Giggles. Looks at the snails] Who is winning? What's the prize?
Charlie: [Drily] Surely snail racing is its own reward?
Dur: [Saying around a conspicuously full mouth] It is if you get to eat the racers!
Clint : Now doc, why would you eat the winner? What kind of incentive does that give the snails to do their best?
Austin: [Tries to get a good look at the snails] Did you give them names?
awa hame
Peter: You don't give a snail a name, it choose one itself.

Darius: There's no prize as such, but everyone chips in and who ever bet on the winner divides the proceeds between them.
Clint: Truly a worthy sport!  How can I get in on the action?
on the winner divides the proceeds between them. Charlie: [To Clint] Do be serious! We haven't time to participate! [To Darius] Why are you hiding? Where are we?!
Darius: We're on the Cliff of Misery -- and why are we hiding? Because some lunatics opened the gates of hell and let a whole bunch of crazy demons and devils loose, who are fighting the most destructive war in history.

Alice: Hey! We're those lunatics, and you're the one who told us to do it!

Darius: Sure, so are you surprised it all turned out like this?
Dur: [Popping another snail in his mouth] I think I speak for everyone when I say, I'm always surprised we wake up breathing again!
Clint: I'd be a lot more surprised if we woke up and *weren't* breathing!
Alice: I'd be a lot more surprised if we didn't wake up *were* breathing! [Thinks] Hm. [To Darius] So do all of you guys have doppelgangers here like Deucie did?

Darius: No.
Charlie: [To Darius] Oh? And do you know what that is?
Darius: It's because we're Hierophantic Knights -- one of a kind! Across all parallel dimensions, there is just one of us. Kind of makes you feel special, you know?

Alice: What about the fact that you've got loads of Soulmates including one standing less than twenty feet away from you and who, even though he has worse hair, clothes and personal hygiene than you, is more attractive? How does that make you feel?

Darius: Oh Alice, keep it in your pants!
Austin: So, perhaps we should go and save the world again?
Darius: As long as Casshernova here can keep her hands of Boddy, that would be neat.
Austin: [Suprised] He's all yours, I'm sure [Looks to Casshernova for confirmation] No rapey, okay?
Alice: Oh please, he wishes.

Boddy: [Calling over] Hey, I can feel you undressing me with your eyes!
Clint: I can tell this is going to be a fun trip. Let's go! The world's not going to save itself.
Lat from Tom #69 Alice: Are all of you guys coming too?

Darius: [Laughs] Oh, god no! It's just you guys.
Charlie: [Indignantly] And why will you not assist? Saving the world surely benefits all of you, too!
Darius: You guys kind of have the inside track, though, right?
Austin: Given our history, that seems highly unlikely.
Charlie: [Modestly] Well, we HAVE saved the world a time or two. [To Darius] It would be helpful if you did your share, though!
Darius: Yes, it would.
[Time passes.]
Alice: So what's this inside track we're supposed to have?

Darius: A close relationship with one of the most powerful demons to ever exist.
exist. Charlie: You don't mean my daughter, surely?!
Austin: Clarification would be helpful, as there are many possibilities.
Alice: It could be her husband!

Darius: Or your husband, if you hadn't killed him on your wedding day and eaten his brain.

Alice: Hey! Dur married a demon too!

Darius: But yes, I do mean your daughter, Charlie.
Austin: [Alarmed] They have schools for demons! Surely it would be better for everyone involved if she became and angel just as he father did?
Charlie: [To Darius, beaming] Really? One of the most powerful demons ever to exist?! Oh, how splendid! She shall have no trouble at all getting into any of the top schools!
Alice: And how are there are any schools left if the Realms are full of demons destroying everything?

Darius: [To Austin] It would, do you think Wilhelmina is likely to sacrifice herself to save the world?
Charlie: [Unconvincingly, to Darius] Well, she DOES have her father's eyes, so no doubt she also possesses his noble spirit!
Darius: She certainly inherited his predilection for stabbiness.
Clint: Well that's sort of going to be a problem, isn't it?  She doesn't seem to have any scruples about aiming that stabbiness at us.  Except for Chuck, of course.  There's nothing so touching as a demonic hellspawn child's love!
Charlie: His love for me helped Pestilence change, so [reluctantly, looking ill] perhaps we could appeal to that dreadful boy Wilhelmina seems to like?
Alice: Panse? Well, I think he actually saved our lives back in Nostalgia and made sure we would be able to knock down the wall around Queens View, so maybe he's not so dreadful after all? Maybe he's a really nice guy who's just misunderstood?
Charlie: [Shakes her head] Oh, no! I understand the little miscreant perfectly well! But until we can make Wilhelmina see how dreadful he is, perhaps we can make use of his influence with her!
Alice: Maybe we could use our trusted positions within HARMA to track him down?

Darius: I think your trust worthiness with HARMA may have run out, what with blowing a huge hole in the wall, and all.

Alice: Yeesh, you destroy one indestructible wall and suddenly you're not trustworthy!
Austin: It was ridiculous of them to trust un in the first place! [Muses] Panse did make excellent tea.
Alice: True -- they are a bunch of racist, elitist scumbags who think they're better than everyone else, they deserve to be betrayed. If only I still had all those servants, we could get the larger ones to throw one of the smaller ones through HARMA's window so that she could say something rude to them.
Dur: However gratifying that might be for you, HARMA doesn't seem like they would care very much.
Alice: I don't think you quite appreciate just how rude we're talking here, Dur! I'm talking about virgins being scandalised, gentlemen demanding duels for satisfaction and ladies requiring volumetric crap-loads of smelling salts to recover from their fainting fits!
Dom has taken the day off because the weather is nice!

Austin: And how often did this succeed?

Alice: Oh, I don't know. The whole thing was so complicated to arrange that by the time the cops came to our door asking if the servant was one of ours I would often have forgotten why I was so annoyed in the first place.
;; Dom has taken the day off because the weather is nice!
Charlie: [To Alice, scolding] One should treat one's servants with more respect than that! [Offers Dur a copper piece] Here, scrape the mud off my boots, there's a good man!
Dur: Jokes on you! I licked those clean hours ago! [Snatches and pockets the copper piece]
Alice: Joke's on you! That wasn't mud! [Snatches the copper piece] Ew! What happened to this? Why is it so sticky?
Clint: You know how much Dur loves his pantswiches, Bimbo... Do you really have to ask why something that's been in his pocket is sticky and gross? Do you really *want* to ask?
I don't.  But I suppose it had to be said.
;; I don't. But I suppose it had to be said.
Alice: [Getting slightly hysterical] But they are in his pants, Clint, his pants! Being warmed by his crotch! Not in his pockets! There are no pantswiches in pockets! [Tries to throw away the copper piece but it sticks to her hand] Aiieeee!
Charlie: [To Alice, scolding] Do keep your voice down! We do not wish Dur to realize how repulsive we find him and his disgusting habits! It could hurt his feelings, and then who would clean my boots?!
Charlie: [To Alice, scolding] Do keep your voice down! We do not wish Dur to realise how repulsive we find him and his disgusting habits! It could hurt his feelings, and then who would clean my boots?!

Austin: [Standing back up after ducking out of the way to avoid Alice trying to throw the coin] Holy shit Alice! Be careful, you could kill some one with that!
Alice: How, Austin? How? I can't even get it off my hand! [To Charlie] Oh please! If he found out how repulsive we find him he would probably feel better about himself, I mean, just look at him!
Dur: Wait, are you talking about ME?
Alice: Oh no! We're talking about someone else completely different, you know it's the, well, [tails off lamely] the thing.
Charlie: [To Dur, quickly] Quite so, we were NOT talking about you, rather discussing that horrid Panse, and how he is very like you in the revulsion he causes!
Dur: Oh, ok! Perhaps we should discuss what we do now, though?
Austin: Are there two Panses' perhaps? One that saves our lives and makes excellent tea, and another 'horrid' Panse?
Alice: Nah, they're both the same. You know how mothers-in-law are, they always hate the significant other, I mean, the number of times I've been locked out of houses, had people move away, had my carriage sold, had my bank account cleaned out. Mothers-in-law, am I right?
Clint: They're definitely the worst! But it gives Panse a chance to impress the Sarge, so maybe he'll go for it anyway? Now, do we know where to find him?
Charlie: He seems to move about freely, so it is hard to know! [To Darius]
Darius: Yes. Yes I do.
[Time passes.]
Alice: Oh my GOD! Where is he?

Darius: I don't know, but there have been a bunch spoon related deaths in Insomnia recently.
The party were in Insomnia in their own dimension, which is where they met
Fletcher Hatcher
one know why he uses them?
one know why he uses them? Charlie: Because he is idiotic and all wrong for my daughter!
Alice: Maybe because he's a bad boy that can be brought to the light side?
Dur: Perhaps he was never taught proper table manners and thus never learned the difference between knife and spoon?
learned the difference between knife and spoon? Charlie: [Huffily] That is no excuse! [To Dur] Even YOU know what to do with a spoon, for Phili's sake!
Charlie: [Huffily] That is no excuse! [To Dur] Even YOU know what to do food!
Dur: Don't be ridiculous. Everyone knows that spoons are used to dislocate the jaw during dinner, thus allowing one to stuff the most amount of food into their own mouths before their greedy siblings get to it!
Dur: Don't be ridiculous. Everyone knows that spoons are used to dislocate

Alice: Oh god, let's get out of here before he shows us!
Clint: Are you sure we don't have time for another thrilling snail race, or a stirring round of knifey-spoony?
Austin: Hopefully not by dragon!
Alice: Isn't the game spoony-spoony? Anyway, how do we get to Insomnia?
Alice: [To Darius] What's the fastest way to get to Insomnia?

Darius: By dragon.
Austin: What is the slowest way to get to Insomnia?
Peter: On a magical rabbit.
Austin: Sounds safer. [Considers the options] Is it an evil dragon or a good dragon?
good dragon? Charlie: [Nods] And what about the rabbit? [To the party] Evil rabbits can be a bit of a handful!
Darius: The dragon is mostly tolerable, but you know what dragons are like, he's pretty whiny. And a smoker. The rabbit? He's actually really nice, and I don't believe those stories about him at all. Well, mostly.
Austin: [Nods in agreement] Particularly the magic ones.
Clint: Dragon it is, then!
Dur: It's not the same Dragon that brought us in is it? As he already has a bad track record of dumping us into bodies of water from his back.
Clint: Doesn't he also have a bad track record of being, y'know, dead?
What a lovely day!  It's cold and rainy, like being back in Ireland
without the lovely lovely beer to make up for it.
[Enter THE DRAGON, flying up from below with a deafening roar, before landing beside the party.]
Dragon: It's a little thing called.... acting!
Charlie: [To Dragon, applauding perfunctorily] Good show! [All business] Now, could you please take us to Insomnia at once?
Tom, in a weird twist, the weather here has been sunny
and warm! Don't worry, though. It looks like we have
all rain, all the time for the foreseeable future!
Dragon: [Bowing ostentatiously to Charlie and then Peter who is doing a slow clap] Thank you, thank you! You know, I really couldn't have done it without my agent and the support of my parents, and Mrs. Daeneryean, my first drama teacher who told me to reach of the stars because you never know, you might catch the moon, and [takes a massive wad of papers out of a previously unnoticed pocket] there are a few others that-

Alice: Yes, yes! Can we please go to Insomnia and be possibly killed by the scary spoon guy? [To the party] It's got to be better than this, right?
End of scene, next one coming right up!
[Book X, Act XII, Scene II. The Dragon. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and SHOR are here, all on the back of the dragon, flying high above the clouds, soaring majestically and in awe of the occasional snowy peak that is visible above the clouds.]
Alice: Hey! [Bangs on Austin's chair] Push your seat forward! I'm totally squashed here, and where are my peanuts?
Austin: [Reading the in flight magazine] My seat is forward. If you ate less peanuts you would be able to fit in a space the size of a normal human being. [Reads more] Hey! They have ChoccoChunnel perfume on special offer!
Alice: Maybe if the seats were big enough to accommodate normal sized human beings I'd be okay! [Starts feeling around in the back pocked of Austin's seat, poking her fingers into him]
Austin: [To Alice, casually] I know we go back a long way Alice, but you should really ask before starting foreplay, otherwise it's a bit rapey. [Goes back to reading his magazine]
should really ask before starting foreplay, otherwise it's a bit rapey. [Goes back to reading his magazine] Charlie: [Looking at an inflight catalog, rapt] How clever! It looks like a book, but it has a hollow interior for hiding treasured items! [Eyes shining] Oh, I know! I could hide my most valuable books inside!
Alice: You wish, Aus! [Uses Austin's seat to pull herself up, jarring him as she peers at Charlie's DragonMall catalog] Or maybe you could get a set of different sizes? That way if someone opened the first one thinking there was treasure there, they'd just give up because it's a boring old book, but no, it would actually be another booksafe, with the real valuables in it!
Austin: [To Dur] Alice ate them all already, by the sounds of it.
Dur: [Stomach growling loudly] When do they serve the in-flight meal?
Clint: And where did they get that realistic sound effect of a screaming baby?
Alice: That's just Austin's normal voice!
Austin: It's just for when you shove your fingers in my ass, Alice.
Alice: Oh please, you've had bigger and filthier up there, Aus!
Clint: [Horrified.] I resent that implication, Bimbo!
Alice: Oh please! In your dreams, Clint, he can do way better! [Pats Austin reassuringly on the shoulder]
Charlie: [Ignoring the party, still fascinated by the DragonMall] Oh, how racy! They also make shirts that give the illusion that the wearer is nude, very muscular, and possesses numerous tattoos!
Alice: [Leaning forward, spilling her drink on Austin] That's not a shirt, the guy really is nude. They're trying to sell that glow-in-the-dark cock ring. They're a waste of money, they don't make the -- oh, sorry, my mistake, it is a shirt.
Austin: Hey! Watch out! You clumsy idiot! [Desperately cleans the drink off]
Alice: Hey! Who are you calling a clumsy idiot? [Accidentally pokes herself in the eye and pours the rest of her drink over herself] Help! I'm blind!

Dragon: [Looking back] Hey! Don't make me turn this dragon around!
Austin: It was all her fault! I demand to have a seat in business class!
Dragon: This IS business class!

Alice: [Pulls a pamphlet out of the seat and reads] Fryin' Air -- we're crap but we're cheap. Hm, what sort of people voluntarily travel this way?

Dragon: Look around you, toots.

Alice: Oh, I see.

Dragon: You know, all your constant bickering is actually quite upsetting, I'm trying to do my best here, you know! I just thought it might be a nice thing to try and help people!
Clint: [Cheerfully] Don't worry, you're doing great! We just basically loathe one another, that's all.
Dragon: Hah! Got you, good, didn't I? It was another display of [dramatically] acting!
[The entire DRAGON is rocked by an explosion just off to one side, near, but not on the dragon, sending anyone foolish enough to be standing falling to the floor.]
Alice: [On the floor] What the hell was that? More acting?

Dragon: No! Someone's shooting at us!
Charlie: [Grabbing onto the seat in front of her. To Dragon] Well, breathe fire back at them!
Dragon: Where are they?
[Another explosion thunders to life on the other side of the DRAGON, causing some previously unnoticed control panel to burst into flames.]
Clint: Evasive maneuvers, then! [Leaps up to try to smoother the fire or, that failing, toss the burning panel overboard.]
[CLINT throws the panel and entire cabinet that is on fire overboard.]
Alice: Hey! That's where the inflight meals were!
[The DRAGON takes evasive manoeuvres, sending the party staggering back and forth in classic Star Trek fashion.]
Dragon: Better buckle up! Alice: [Hanging off the dragon] You think?
Charlie: [Hanging onto a loose seat belt frantically, trying to locate the attackers] Can anyone see who is attacking us?
Clint: No, but remind me to bring binoculars and some bombs for the next time we do this!
I like to imagine this in a Shatneresque delivery, just for extra drama.
Alice: Clint! Clint!
Clint: Yes, thank you for the reminder, Bimbo.
Alice: [Gives him a thumbs up] No problem!

Dragon: Everybody, take up battle positions!
Dur: [Dives under a seat and covers his head, whimpering] Found mine!
Austin: Battle positions are not covered in the inflight guides! [Readies his sling shot]
Alice: [Takes up the rear gunner position] Evasive action!

Dragon: [Swerving wildly] Better get your parachutes out!
Austin: [Gets his parachute on if he can] I do hope this is in midnight blue! [looks worried] Pink or red would clash horribly with my suit.
Charlie: [To Austin, scrambling for a parachute] Your suit will almost certainly be drenched in red soon if you don't make peace with a parachute of any color, and immediately!!

Austin: [Checks his seat belt and readies his sling] It's not much to ask! This is business class after all.
blue! [looks worried] Pink or red would clash horribly with my suit. Charlie: [To Austin, scrambling for a parachute] Your suit will almost certainly be drenched in red soon if you don't make peace with a parachute of any color, and immediately!!
Alice: Hey! Mine isn't even a parachute -- it's just a brick with a bits of string tied to it!
Austin: What! [Checks his parachute]
[AUSTIN's parachute is a huge, beautiful midnight blue silken affair.]
affair.] Charlie: [Checks her parachute anxiously] Oh, I do hope I do not share the same horrible fate as Alice will!
[Alas another brick.]
Alice: What the hell? Dragon: That first one cost so much there wasn't any money left for any more!
more! Charlie: [To Dragon, enraged] If I survive this, I will write the MOST withering letter of complaint you have ever seen! [To Alice, reassuringly] I shall ask for vouchers to compensate for our inconvenience!
Alice: Make sure you tell them we never got our luggage back either! So, is Austin the only one with a parachute?
[It does appear that AUSTIN's enormous parachute is the only one on the dragon.]
Dur: Quickly, every one press your bodies against Austin and hold on for dear life!
Alice: Good idea! [Grabs onto Austin] Hey! How can your jacket be so soft?
Clint: Can't we just do a field modification of some of Alice's awful knickers into serviceable parachutes?
Austin: [Cringing from the hug] An excellent idea Mr Scar, I recommend that evenone follows Mr Scar's serviceable knickers parachute plan!
Alice: Hey! My underpants are way too flimsy to be used as parachutes, we're probably better off using one of Austin's massive shirts!
Austin: [Anoyed] But I don't have any massive shirts. I'm a lawyer!
Alice: Then quit your yapping and share the enormous parachute!
Charlie: [Reluctantly squeezes next to Austin] One prefers not to come into full body contact with men who are not one's husband, but desperate times and all that!
Alice: It could be worse, Charlie, you might have to grab onto Clint!
[CLINT grabs onto ALICE from behind, making a sickening squelching sound as he does.]
Alice: Ew!
Austin: [Looking anoyed at being squeezed] The dragon is still flying, there is no need to parachute yet!
Dragon: There is if you want to go to Insomnia, because I'm not going to land there!
Charlie: Well, get us as close as you can--and over water if possible!--and we shall jump!
Austin: No! Not over water! 98% of water landings in parachutes result in death! Our insurace does not cover us!
Dur: [Looking panicked] NO MORE WATER!
Dragon: How about over that volcano?
Austin: Nooo! How about a nice garden party or something?
Clint: How about somewhere out of range of the explosions?
Dragon: [Swoops back around towards the town] No sign of any garden parties, but I think I can see a hootenanny, how about that?
Austin: That will have to do. Prepare the team to jump, Sarge!
Alice: How about over there? That looks like a shindig!
Charlie: [Decisively] The hootenanny, I should think! [In a low voice] Not all of us are dressed for a shindig! [Boldly] Cling onto Mr. Sleaze for dear life, group! Now--jump!!!
Clint: [Clings squelchily onto Alice clinging onto Austin, and pushes the group over the edge.] Geronimo!
Alice: No! The shindig, the shindiiiiiiiig!
[The party lurch over the side of the DRAGON and start hurtling towards the earth.]
Charlie: [Worried] We are dropping too fast! [To Alice] Quickly, drop all of your hair and make-up products!
Austin: And your hair dryer and foot spa!
Alice: No way! Let's drop at least some of Austin's massive suitcases, or Charlie's stinky old books!
Charlie: [Aghast] Do be serious! Each of my books is essential! [To Austin] She does make a valid point about some of those suitcases, though. Must you have SO many changes of clothes?!
Charlie: [Aghast] Do be serious! Each of my books is essential! [To Austin] She does make a valid point about some of those suitcases, though. Must you have SO many changes of clothes?!

Austin: Don't be ridiculous, I travel light, with only the base minimum required to sustain my life.
[ALICE, AUSTIN and CHARLIE slowly turn and give DUR a suspicious look.]
Alice: You know, with all those copper pieces Charlie has been giving him, I suspect he's the one weighing us down!
Colin's taking break so please leave him off the list!
Austin: Those must weight a ton! [To Charlie] How many have you given him over the years?
out for the weekend
him over the years? Charlie: [Muses] Hundreds, no doubt! [Frowns] But he surely immediately squanders them on flashy sandwich components. [In a low voice] He does not strike me as the sort to save up his earnings!
Alice: Dur, give Charlie back those copper pieces immediately!
Dur: Don't be ridiculous! I spend them on sandwich components on the black market of bad meats!
Alice: Shouldn't the parachute you know, be open or something?
Clint: Yes! [Tries to jar free some of the excess luggage, not worrying too much about whose it is.]
Austin: [Unable to move in the crush, craning to see what is stooping the chute] Is someone holding the parachute bag shut?
Alice: Aren't we supposed to pull some sort of cord? You know, that ground is getting awful close awful fast!
We have a new player! Say hello to Daniel, everyone, and make sure
he's on all the mails going forward
Charlie: [To Austin, urgently] Surely YOU have access to this cord?
Welcome to the game, Daniel!
Alice: I think there's a cord here. [Pulls it] Hm, it's just a piece of rope, I wonder what it's for?
[CLINT's pants going flying off.]
Alice: Aieeeee!
Austin: No. If you would care to observe your current positions you will see that you are pinning my arms to my sides. If I die, I shall blame you.
Hi Daniel :)
  Dur: Nooooo! I'm too hungry to die!
Heya Daniel. 
[ALICE fumbles around, pulling at any and all appendages that could even remotely be considered to be cord-like.]
Alice: Got it! [The parachute deploys, slowing their descent.] Hm, I wonder if this will it easier for the guys on the ground to shoot us?
Austin: I thought a Hootenanny was a party for the prole, not a an army! [Looks worried. To Charlie] Order them to shoot Dur first!
Alice: I don't think we need to worry about the guys in the hootenanny, it's more the enraged soldiers nearby with cannon guns and exploding things. [Thinks] Also, maybe the real snooty types at that nearby cheese and wine party, they look like they might enjoy shooting at people.
Dur: Maybe the dragon will distract the soldiers long enough for us to safely descend into the festivities?
Alice: Unlikely! He's almost certainly halfway home by now!
[There's a terrific explosion from somewhere above, and suddenly the DRAGON, clearly either unconscious or dead, drops from the sky.]
Alice: Oh.
Charlie: [To the party] Steer away from the falling dragon!! It will crush us!
Alice: [Uselessly turning a steering wheel] How? This thing isn't even connected to the parachute? And why the hell do I even have a steering wheel?
Charlie: No, use your arms! Like a bird! [Haplessly juts out an arm and attempts to lean into it]
[Rather incredibly, this strategy seems to work, and the party somehow steer themselves out of the way of the falling dragon, which lands on the cannons below.]
Alice: Yay! This is great!
[An arrows zips from the fancy looking cheese and wine soiree below, amidst much drunken cheering from a bunch of snooty looking men.]
Austin: Try to land on them! It will make the world a better place!
[The party flap towards them, only for a hail of arrows to fire up towards them, hitting each of ALICE, CLINT and DUR.]
Alice: Ow! Flap away! Flap away! [Tries to flap in the opposite direction]
Austin: Surely we should land soon!
Dur: Like this? [Flails his legs wildly as if trying to run away from the incoming arrows]
[With all of DUR's flailing, he somehow avoids getting hit, but AUSTIN receives two arrows to the leg.]
Alice: Yes, Dur, let's get away from there, even though they'll probably only hit Austin a few more times!
Austin: [Screaming like a child] Help!
Clint: [Flapping vigorously, and clearly having a blast] Don't be such a baby, lawyer!
Welcome, Daniel!
Alice: Oh my god, Clint! Don't hold your arms up so high!
[The party drift towards the hootenanny. Sounds of good old fashioned folk songs about the glory of god and sacredness of simple living drift up.]
Alice: [Screaming like an Austin] Turn around! Turn around! Back to the cheesy archers!
Austin: The demons have taken over! This is just Hell!
Alice: [Reassuringly] Maybe it won't be so bad, Austin, maybe they're just about to stop -- it certainly sounds like this song is coming to an end.
[She's right, the song slowly fades out as the party approach, only to see PENNY STAINER and ISOBEL CUMBERLAND, famed folk singers, step forward.]
Isobel: Blessed be, everybody! She's Isobel!

Penny: No, I'm Isobel!
[The crowd laugh at this hilarious japery.]
Isobel: Seriously, folks, I'm Isobel, and she's Penny. [Rings a little bell]

Alice: I think I'm going to be sick!
The party have encountered Penny and Isobel several times and
have always found their particular brand of bland inoffensive music
almost aggressively bad. For various reasons, poor Penny and Isobel
have had serious unfortunate name choices, varying from Sexy Penis
to "Cumtain" (helpfully suggested by the party as an amalgamation
of their two names), before they took to running a bed and breakfast
called the "Come, Stay Inn".
bell] Charlie: [Horrified] Maybe they didn't see us! Let us sneak away discreetly!
Clint: Ah hell. I think I can try to rocket us away... [Turns a bit and determinedly lets rip in Isobel's general direction.]
I might as well take advantage of my trouserless state, right?
Penny: And together we are Stainer-Cumberland=E2=80=99s Modestly Entertaini= ng Good Music Alliance!
[The audience roar and cheer, somehow drowning out CLINT's disgusting sound. The party rise into the air, but still look as though they are going to come down into the hootenanny.]
ning Austin: [Looks green] I'm going to be sick!
Charlie: [Tries to examine Austin's wounds] Hang on, Mr. Sleaze! And try not to land on your arrowed bits!
Austin: It's the music and Mr Scar's flatulence that are the issue! Not my leg!
Alice: They're calling themselves Scmegma, Charlie, Scmegma!

Penny: Actually, the C is silent, like the Lord is during his suffering. [To the massive crowd] Let's play a song about --
[Crash! The party land on top of PENNY and ISOBEL.]
Charlie: [Sighs in relief] Thank Phili! That dreadful noise stopped at last!
Austin: [From the middle of the pile, straightens his suit] Oh, that's sooo much better. [Notices the arrows in his leg] AAaaargh! I'm going to die! [Rolls over in agony]
Alice: Don't worry, Aus, you won't die from the arrow wounds -- it'll be this angry mob that is advancing on us!
[She's correct. Folk music fans are menacingly advancing, brandishing all manner of scary weapons. One angrily jabs at ALICE with a banjo.]
Alice: Ow!
[The BANJO JABBER is pushed to one side by a man who looks strangely out of place. This is CALVIN BRADLEY ARDEN, who smirks at the party.]
Calvin: Come with me if you want to live!

Alice: Does it involve living with folk music?

CalvinBradley Arden

Charlie: [To Bradley, tossing him a copper piece] Splendid! Lead us to safety, good man!
To *Calvin*, that is! Sigh!
On Tue, Mar 12, 2019 at 5:54 AM Heather

Alice: Oh my god, Charlie -- this is a matter of life and death! Better make it two copper pieces!
Calvin: Why are tossing him money?!? I'm the one getting you out of here! (= (Quietly)) bloody idiots. Demending help but whatever. Get Outlook for

Android ________________________________

From: Conor Ryan

Sent: Tuesday, March 12, 2019

10:56:46 AM

To: Heather

Cc: dom; Tom Henderson; Day, Kevin R (Irving) USA; Tom Henderson; QV Logger= ; Daniel Ingleson

Subject: [qv] 12.02.112 Last from Heather #111 fety, good man!

Alice: Oh my god, Charlie -- this is a matter of life and death! Better make it two copper pieces!
((Quietly)) bloody idiots. Demending help but whatever. Charlie: [Tosses a copper to Calvin] Here, and I shall give you a second one if you can get us out of here alive and take us to a place where no folk singer would dare to sing!
Calvin: Thanks! Now grab the moron that got himself stuck with an arrow and= follow me.... that way! [Calvin indicates a direction towards some doors] = and I ain't carrying him. He's your moron. Get Outlook for

Android ________________________________

From: Heather

Sent: Tuesday, March 12, 2019

11:11:49 AM

To: Daniel Ingleson

Cc: Conor Ryan; dom; Tom Henderson; Day, Kevin R (Irving) USA; Tom Henderso= n; QV Logger

Subject: [qv] 12.02.113 ((Quietly)) bloody idiots. Demending help but whatever.

Charlie: [Tosses a copper to Calvin] Here, and I shall give you a second on= e if you can get us out of here alive and take us to a place where no folk = singer would dare to sing!
Austin: [Looking at the arrows in Clint and Alice] Well don't look at me, I have two arrows, not one!
Calvin : [Glancing disparagingly at the two arrows while moving in the dire= ction he indicated] Two ain't that much harder to fix than one. Now are you= coming or do you want those arrows to be the least of your worries? Get Outlook for

Android ________________________________

From: dom

Sent: Tuesday, March 12, 2019

11:11:13 AM

To: Daniel Ingleson

Cc: Heather; Conor Ryan; Tom Henderson; Day, Kevin R (Irving) USA; Tom Hend= erson; QV Logger

Subject: [qv] 12.02.115 Last from Daniel #114

Calvin: Thanks! Now grab the moron that got himself stuck with an arrow and= follow me.... that way! [Calvin indicates a direction towards some doors] = and I ain't carrying him. He's your moron.

Austin: [Looking at the arrows in Clint and Alice] Well don't look at me, = I have two arrows, not one!
Alice: He seems quite angry -- although, he doesn't seem to be a smegma fan!
fan! Charlie: [Helpfully, to Alice] I believe their name is scmegma. And can you blame him? I found the experience of listening to them quite agitating myself!
Calvin : Can you blame me? You're all TALKING WHEN YOU SHOULD BE MOVING!! P= lus I wouldn't enjoy that crap anyways. [Calvin continues to move towards t= he doors] Look I can heal your injured fella when we're a bit safe alright? Get Outlook for

Android ________________________________

From: Heather

Sent: Tuesday, March 12, 2019

11:38:22 AM

To: Conor Ryan

Cc: Daniel Ingleson; dom; Tom Henderson; Day, Kevin R (Irving) USA; Tom Hen= derson; QV Logger

Subject: [qv] 12.02.117 an!

Charlie: [Helpfully, to Alice] I believe their name is scmegma. And can you= blame him? I found the experience of listening to them quite agitating mys= elf!
Plus I wouldn't enjoy that crap anyways. [Calvin continues to move towards the doors] Look I can heal your injured fella when we're a bit safe alright? Charlie: [Steps up her pace] Quite so, we really should get moving! [To the party] Hurry along! Mr. Scar, give me a hand with Mr. Sleaze!
Alice: [As Calvin moves towards a door marked "EXIT"] Which doors? here!
Alice: [Squeezes past Calvin] Well? Come on! [Looks around] Uh, which way?
[CALVIN races past ALICE and pushes open a door that leads to daylight.]
End of scene, next one coming right up!
[Book XII, Act XII, Scene III. A Street in Insomnia. ALICE, AUSTIN, CALVIN, CHARLIE, CLINT and DUR are here, bursting out into the street, pursued by an angry mob of Smegma lovers. There are a variety of shops and bars here, along with a number of vehicles, including one painted in nauseating pastels with the words "Smegma On Wheels".]
Alice: Well, I guess they're not going to need it for a while, right?
Calvin : [Looking exasperated] You have GOT to be shitting me. You want us = to escape in THAT?!? Get Outlook for

Android ________________________________

From: Conor Ryan

Sent: Tuesday, March 12, 2019

2:05:02 PM

To: Heather

Cc: Daniel Ingleson; dom; Tom Henderson; Day, Kevin R (Irving) USA; Tom Hen= derson; QV Logger

Subject: [qv] 12.03.001 Last from me #2.120 y? ght.]
[Book XII, Act XII, Scene III. A Street in Insomnia. ALICE, AUSTIN, CALVIN, CHARLIE, CLINT and DUR are here, bursting out into the street, pursued by an angry mob of Smegma lovers. There are a variety of shops and bars here, along with a number of vehicles, including one painted in nauseating pastels with the words "Smegma On Wheels".]
Alice: Well, I guess they're not going to need it for a while, right?
Austin: [Climbs into the carriage] Let us not dwell on that subject! [Lights up two cigarettes, and hands one to Alice]
to escape in THAT?!?=20 Dur: Oh, we have escaped similar situations in MUCH worse than THAT!
us to escape in THAT?!? Charlie: [To Calvin, trying the door to the smegmobile] We shall certainly escape in it, though with a good deal less profanity, one hopes!
Clint: We've done worse! What're the chances they have a pair of trousers in my size in there, do you think? [Kicks in the door to the scmegma-mobile] Hop on in, as they have no doubt entitled one of their "songs."
Calvin : I'm going to die surrounded by people who don't have any standards= ... Get Outlook for

Android ________________________________

From: Tom Henderson

Sent: Tuesday, March 12, 2019

2:17:29 PM

To: Daniel Ingleson

Cc: Heather; Conor Ryan; dom; Tom Henderson; Day, Kevin R (Irving) USA; Tom= Henderson; QV Logger

Subject: [qv] 12.03.003 Last from Daniel #2

Clint: We've done worse! What're the chances they have a pair of trousers in my size in there, do you think? [Kicks in the door to the scmegma-mobile] Hop on in, as they have no doubt entitled one of their "songs."
Alice: [Taking the cigarette] Oh, we have standards, my friend. They're just very low! I'm Alice, by the way, I'm the cool one. [Takes a drag of the cigarette and coughs so much that it's a miracle she doesn't gob up a lung]
Calvin : I'm Calvin [he gets into the vehicle] this is the oddest thing I h= ave ever done. What is going on?!? ________________________________

From: Conor Ryan

Sent: Tuesday, March 12, 2019

2:25:20 PM

To: dom

Cc: Tom Henderson; Daniel Ingleson; Heather; Day, Kevin R (Irving) USA; Tom= Henderson; QV Logger

Subject: [qv] 12.03.005 Last from Dom #4 ghts up two

Alice: [Taking the cigarette] Oh, we have standards, my friend. They're just very low! I'm Alice, by the way, I'm the cool one. [Takes a drag of the cigarette and coughs so much that it's a miracle she doesn't gob up a lung]
Clint: At the moment, we're stealing a carriage. Don't worry, we have plenty of practice! I'm Clint, by the way. [Shepherds stragglers into the carriage.]
Alice: Who the hell is this guy?
[Everyone turns and looks at CALVIN.]
Alice: No! That other guy!
[Points at STINKY PEED, some sort of hobo who has just climbed into the carriage with the party.]
Peed: Hey! [Points at Clint] He shepherded me in here!


Charlie: [To Clint, scolding] Do shepherd a bit more selectively in future! [To Stinky, commandingly] Do get out at once. We are going somewhere dangerous to do serious work for no pay whatsoever. It wouldn't suit you at all!
Peed: Only if the pretty one gives me a kiss!

Alice: I certainly will not!

Peed: Ew! Not you! [Points at Austin] Him!
Austin: [To Clint] Please boot the old pervert out, Mr Scar.
Dur: Hey! I may be a creep but I’m no pervert!
Austin: Not you, the tramp! [Look from Dur to the tramp, then points at the tramp] That one!
awa hame
Alice: Hey! Oh, okay.

Peed: Come on guys, I'll share my tin can with you!
Calvin : [Puts his head in his hands] God what did I do to deserve this? St= uck in the back of this vehicle with these people... ________________________________

From: Conor Ryan

Sent: Tuesday, March 12, 2019

4:55:14 PM

To: dom

Cc: Day, Kevin R (Irving) USA; Heather; Tom Henderson; Daniel Ingleson; Tom= Henderson; QV Logger

Subject: [qv] 12.03.014 Last from Dom #13 the

Alice: Hey! Oh, okay.

Peed: Come on guys, I'll share my tin can with you!
Clint: Hmm... [Carefully bonks Peed over the head in a bid to knock him unconscious, steal his trousers, and eject him from the carriage.]
[Bonk! Poor old PEED falls over and, in one suspiciously fast and smooth movement, CLINT slips his trousers off leaving the rest of the party in no doubt that he was going commando.]
All: [Covering their eyes] Nooooooo! Alice: [Still covering her eyes] I'll drive!
Charlie: [To Alice quickly] NO! [Laughs nervously] That is, why do you not get to know our new friend? [Gestures to Calvin] I shall drive! [Tries to grab the wheel]
Alice: [To Calvin] What's your story? Some sort of folk music fanatic?
Calvin : No, I just stuck my head in saw your pincushion fulfill his lifes = goal and figured you could use a hand. What were YOU doing there?
Alice: We're trying to save the world. It's kind of our thing.
Charlie: [To Calvin, conversationally] Indeed, we are seeking the assistance of a dreadful boy who fancies my daughter. You would not happen to know anyone named Panse, by any chance?
Calvin: [Thinking for a few moments] I'm afraid not. Any idea where we migh= t find him? I'm assuming you don't mind me tagging along since by the looks= of it you need someone who is good at repairing pincushions. [He gestures = to the arrows]
might find him? I'm assuming you don't mind me tagging along since by the looks of it you need someone who is good at repairing pincushions. [He gestures to the Charlie: [Glances at Austin's arrowy limbs and gasps] Oh, yes! We would be most grateful if you could assist Mr. Sleaze. Thank you!
Alice: I'm Alice, the leader of this rag tag bunch of misfits!
Charlie: [Chortles] Oh, Alice! You do make me laugh with your absurd ways! [To Calvin] Naturally, I, Dr. Charlotte Parker Kensington, am the leader of this group!
Calvin: [To Charlotte] So as the leader it's your fault that the team is so= stunningly incompetent? You managed to get into a fight at a folk band con= cert!
so stunningly incompetent? You managed to get into a fight at a folk band concert! Charlie: [Indignantly] But you heard those dreadful songs! Who can be expected to remain civil when being assaulted by those whiny voices and insipid lyrics?! Someone is bound to snap!
Calvin : I agree, it was cacaphonous, but you may not wish to start a fight= with everybody. I have no patience for people who get themselves injured f= or no good reason. Have some tactical awareness dear.
Austin: [To Calvin] Go easy on my Sarge, she is still in training. I am the leader of the party, Austin Sleaze. Pleased to meet you.
Alice: Oh please. What could be more tactical than stamping out folk music one inappropriately named band at a time?
Calvin: [sounding exasperated] Stamping then all out? Getting rid of them s= o you don't end up with holes you're not supposed to have? Deal with them s= o you don't have to be saved by a guy who happened to hear the ruckus?
Alice: If only we had the time to do that -- what sort of simple life do you have that you can spend it causing trouble at folk concerts?
Charlie: [To Calvin] Why were you attending the concert, come to think of it?
Alice: It is very suspicious behaviour, you must admit!
Calvin: I wasn't at the concert. I was passing by when I heard the ruckus a= nd figured I could put the ol' healing skills to good use, maybe make some = money. I wouldn't been seen dead at a folk concert! The music is terrible a= nd the company's worse.
and figured I could put the ol' healing skills to good use, maybe make some money. I wouldn't been seen dead at a folk concert! The music is terrible and the company's worse. Charlie: [Nods firmly] Yes, I think we can all agree that attending that folk concert was one of the most painful of our lives. [Brightly] With any luck, our quest to avert the next armageddon will be far more pleasant!
Calvin: Whoa whoa whoa! Back up... avert armageddeon? What in the fuck are = you talking about?
Austin: It's what we do. We save the world. Now, can you actually heal or do you just talk about it alot? [Points at the arrows in his leg]
are you talking about? Charlie: [Primly] I will tell you if can manage to ask without using profanity!
Alice: And make him tell us his name!
Calvin: Fine quit your whinin'. [Calvin casts some sort of spell after remo= ving the arrows]. So, [he suddenly starts speaking sarcastically] please, p= raytell my lady, to what were you referring when you said armageddeon? [Goi= ng back to his normal voice] Calvin Bradley Arden, at your service, I guess= . ________________________________

From: Conor Ryan

Sent: Thursday, March 14, 2019

11:16:58 AM

To: dom

Cc: Daniel Ingleson; Heather; Day, Kevin R (Irving) USA; QV Logger; Tom Hen= derson; Tom Henderson

Subject: [qv] 12.03.039 Last from Dom and Heather #38 r do you just talk about anity!

Alice: And make him tell us his name!
Alice: You guess? You're not very sure, are you?
[AUSTIN's wounds heal in front of the party.]
Alice: Huh, how about that? We have a doctor in the party! I never thought we would!
Charlie: [Astonished, to Dur] Isn't it wonderful?! A real doctor! [In a low voice] Perhaps he can have a look at you later. I mean [gestures helplessly at Dur] there must be something modern medicine can do for you!
Dur: [Crosses his arms grumpily] We already have a doctor, thank you very much! [Muttering under his breath] Didn’t even lick the wound to prevent infection…
prevent Austin: [Moves away from Dur, defensively] No licking required, thank you!
Alice: It's not really much that it's required as he really likes it, Aus!
Clint: That and he needs the iron in his diet.
Charlie: [Nods absently at Clint's words. To Calvin] Glad to meet you! As you may have noticed, the realms are in chaos due to the rampant demon invasions and [vaguely] so forth! Our aim it to restore peace to the realms.
Calvin: Well it certainly wasn't getting any better. How are you planning o= n stopping it exactly?! ?
Alice: [Leans in confidentially, looking from side to side as though checking for people listening in] We can't say.
Calvin: [Raises an eyebrow] Well why not?
Alice: [Glances around furtively before fixing Calvin with a steely gaze] Because we don't know!
Clint: It's how we always do things when saving the world, you see.
Alice: Hey! Is there someone in the back of the carriage?
[The party are all in the front, but there is a convenient door that opens into the much larger back of the carriage.]
Charlie: [To Alice] Oh dear! Go investigate at once. We cannot bring along stowaways!
Calvin: More stowaways don't ya mean? [He smiles humourously]
Alice: [Opens the door and peers in] Oh dear is right! [Closes it quickly and turns to Charlie] There's someone there who I believe calls you Mom!
Charlie: [Gasps] Wilhelmina came to US?!
Alice: Actually, it's way worse than that.
[The door opens. Enter PANSE RAYDER, loaded down with SMEGMA merch.]
Panse: Well, well, well. Stealing the carriage from a couple of do-gooder folks singing virgins? [Big smile] I like it!


Charlie: [Looks rather ill] Oh. Panse. [Grudgingly] Well, this is rather convenient, as we were looking for you!
Panse: [Big toothy grin] Neat!

Alice: [To Calvin] This is Panse -- he's about to be Charlie's son in law.
Austin: He makes excellent tea, and probably save our lives once. I'm sure Chalie will be very proud to be his mother in law.
sure Chalie will be very proud to be his mother in law. Charlie: [Gritting her teeth] Wilhelmina is far too young to think about such things! [To Panse] Have you spoken to my darling girl lately?
Panse: Not so much spoken to as been thrown out of a very tall building by her. [Aside to the party] I think her demonic bad temper comes from her mother's side! [To Austin] Why thank you, sir. I shall make you some more as soon as the opportunity presents itself.
Austin: [To Charlie] Personally I think you are rather lucky to have such a fine young man as a future son in law.
such a fine young man as a future son in law. Charlie: [To Austin] Not so fast, Mr. Sleaze! It sounds as if there is trouble in paradise! [To Panse, way too eagerly] Why did you quarrel? Did her ambition come between you? Or her desire for a more suitable mate?!
Panse: She became enraged with me because of another woman!
Austin: Did you jump the fence or was that "other woman" , her mother?
Calvin: It seems like I'm missing quite a lot, what is going on here?!?
Panse: [Bashfully] It was her mother!

Alice: [To Calvin] It's all quite straightforward, really. You see, Charlie married a demon ex-angel, Pestilence, and gave birth to a child, Wilhelmina, who is half human/half demon, and then Pestilence became an angel when he sacrificed himself to save the world, and then they had another child, Percy, who is half human/half angel. Wilhelmina is bent on destroying the world, killing us all and generally wreaking chaos everywhere she goes. [To the party] That's about it, right?

Panse: Other than the chaos part. She's actually really well organised. Honestly, she's so systematic that she kills more people before breakfast than most of the devils, past gods, minor demons, semi-demons, demi-semi-demons, hemi-demi-semi-demons and semi-hemi-demi-semi-demons who have been fighting between themselves ever since The Cacophony.
Charlie: [Beams] That's my girl! [To the party, quickly] The being organized and ruthlessly efficient part! The [vaguely] other bit comes from the Sotot line. [To Panse, surprised] Wait, you argued about ME?!
Panse: Yes. And not just you.... Mom. Uncle Justin, Auntie Alison and Uncle Crimp, too. Even your faithful servant, Rud.

Alice: Yeeesh! It's bad enough she wants to kill us, but she doesn't even know our names? Or is are Justin, Alison and Crimp three other losers?

Panse: No, they're you.
Charlie: [To Panse, hopefully] Did she say she hopes to become a Watcher and follow in my footsteps while you argued she should settle down, lose track of her shoes, and bear unfeasible numbers of wailing and unruly children?
Panse: Not.... exactly.
Charlie: [Apprehensively] What did you argue about, then?
Panse: She wanted to kill all of you horribly. I didn't.

Alice: All of us? Even me? Everyone loves me -- I'm a delight!

Panse: Especially you! She finds your constant perkiness an irritation.

Alice: Hey!

Panse: Don't take it personally, she also especially wants to kill him! [Points at Calvin]
Austin: Did she say why she wants to kill me?
Panse: Something about you being a sad excuse for a human being who's constant whining about being a doctor is pathetic and annoying.
Charlie: [To Panse] Certainly, she has sometimes had her little tempers about her auntie and uncles, but she cannot really want to kill [in a small voice] me? After all of the valuable research we conducted together?
Austin: I don't think she's interested in research.
Panse: She is, but it's more in the line of experimenting with ways to torture you all to death. In fact, if it wasn't for The Cacophony, you'd all be dead already.
Dur: The what? And how?
Panse: The Cacophony -- that's what people call the sudden appearance of all these crazy demons and ex-gods in the place, because they never shut the hell up about why people should worship them. As for how? [Shrugs] I don't know, but it may involve spoons.
Clint: This is what comes of having kids!
It's been a lunatic day.  I've just not had the time to sit down and
read my email!
Alice: So why don't you want us dead? Other than wanting to curry favour with your mother-in-law, that is?

Panse: Because I don't want to world to end -- I actually quite like the world. I live here! Given your history of world-saving, child punching and havoc wreaking, I figured you guys would be the best choice.

Alice: Really?

Panse: Well, that and Peter told me. Man, he just loves you guys!
Calvin : Really? These guys are your last hope? How terribly tragic. Though= a bit of havoc is always fun...
Though a bit of havoc is always fun... Charlie: [To Calvin] Oh, havoc we can provide in large supply, fear not! [To Panse, tentatively] While we do seem to find ourselves on the same side of the saving the world vs. destroying it argument, where does that leave Wilhelmina?
Panse: Calming down after a good talk with her parents in which they give her their blessing for marriage? [Brightens up] To the very man who saved her mother's life? [Holds up his Smegma merch] Who got a bunch of neat souvenirs for her father?
Charlie: [Looks at the Smegma merch in horror] Pestilence could never be bribed with those cheap trinkets! And he agrees that Wilhelmina is far too young for marriage. [To Panse, appeasingly] But if you are patient, one day. . . .
Ozs7IE5vdCBmZWVsaW5nIHdlbGwgdG9kYXkgYWxsIHNvIEkgd29u4oCZdCBiZSBhcm91bmQgbXVj aCB0b2RheQ0KDQpGcm9tOiBIZWF0aGVyIFttYWlsdG86aGVhdGhlci5nb2dnYW5zQGdtYWlsLmNv bV0NClNlbnQ6IFR1ZXNkYXksIE1hcmNoIDE5LCAyMDE5IDc6NTIgQU0NClRvOiBDb25vciBSeWFu IDxjb25vci5yQGdtYWlsLmNvbT4NCkNjOiBEYW5pZWwgSW5nbGVzb24gPGRhbmllbGluZ2xlc29u QGhvdG1haWwuY29tPjsgVG9tIEhlbmRlcnNvbiA8dGg0QHJpY2UuZWR1PjsgRGF5LCBLZXZpbiBS IChJcnZpbmcpIFVTQSA8S2V2aW4uRGF5QGxlaGlnaGhhbnNvbi5jb20+OyBkb20gPGRqbWFsemll QGdtYWlsLmNvbT47IFRvbSBIZW5kZXJzb24gPHRob21hcy5oZW5kZXJzb25AcmljZS5lZHU+OyBR ViBMb2dnZXIgPHF1ZWVuc3ZpZXdsb2dAZ21haWwuY29tPg0KU3ViamVjdDogW3F2XSAxMi4wMy4w ODYNCg0KPiBMYXN0IGZyb20gQ29ub3IgIzg1DQo+DQo+IFBhbnNlOiBDYWxtaW5nIGRvd24gYWZ0 ZXIgYSBnb29kIHRhbGsgd2l0aCBoZXIgcGFyZW50cyBpbiB3aGljaCB0aGV5DQo+IGdpdmUgaGVy IHRoZWlyIGJsZXNzaW5nIGZvciBtYXJyaWFnZT8gW0JyaWdodGVucyB1cF0gVG8gdGhlIHZlcnkg bWFuDQo+IHdobyBzYXZlZCBoZXIgbW90aGVyJ3MgbGlmZT8gW0hvbGRzIHVwIGhpcyBTbWVnbWEg bWVyY2hdIFdobyBnb3QgYQ0KPiBidW5jaCBvZiBuZWF0IHNvdXZlbmlycyBmb3IgaGVyIGZhdGhl cj8NCg0KQ2hhcmxpZTogW0xvb2tzIGF0IHRoZSBTbWVnbWEgbWVyY2ggaW4gaG9ycm9yXSBQZXN0 aWxlbmNlIGNvdWxkIG5ldmVyIGJlIGJyaWJlZCB3aXRoIHRob3NlIGNoZWFwIHRyaW5rZXRzISBB bmQgaGUgYWdyZWVzIHRoYXQgV2lsaGVsbWluYSBpcyBmYXIgdG9vIHlvdW5nIGZvciBtYXJyaWFn ZS4gW1RvIFBhbnNlLCBhcHBlYXNpbmdseV0gQnV0IGlmIHlvdSBhcmUgcGF0aWVudCwgb25lIGRh eS4gLiAuIC4NCg==
Calvin: Are we playing matchmaker or trying to save the world here? [Calvin= is clearly finding this very surreal]
[Calvin is clearly finding this very surreal] Charlie: [To Calvin] Saving the world, most assuredly! [To Panse, insistently] Isn't that right? Won't there be time to discuss the finer points of your love life after the world is saved?!
Panse: Can't it be both?
Charlie: One thing at a time, [through gritted teeth] son. First, perhaps we should try to speak with Wilhelmina!
Austin: It may have to be both. What alternatives are there?
Panse: There's someone else you could talk to. Someone I believe who calls Charlie "Mom".
Calvin: Will speaking to her give us any further guidance on what to do to "save the world"? [He actually makes airquotes witj jis fi= ngers]
Clint: [To Panse] To be clear, we're not talking about Pestilence, are we?
Charlie: [To Clint, baffled] No, he is my husband, not my child! [To Calvin] Mr. Scar has little experience with relationships, and so is often confused!
Alice: [To Calvin] If it is her husband, he might be able to give us some guidance, but if it is her other daughter, I'm not so sure, but she is half angel, so maybe. If it is someone else entirely, like say, some weirdo homeless guy who lives near them, then I doubt it strongly.
Charlie: [To Panse, excited] Oh, IS it Persephone?! How marvelous!
Panse: No. It's a homeless guy.

Alice: Really?

Panse: Nah, it's Percy!
Austin: [To Calvin] Will is causing the end of the world, so it's not so much advice we are seeking from her, it's and end to the ruin she is reaping
Charlie: [Delighted] Oh, this must mean she and Wilhelmina have been getting along!
much advice we are seeking from her, it's and end to the ruin she is reaping Charlie: [To Calvin, defensively] While it is true Will has been rather badly behaved in the last while, she also has a great many highly laudable qualities! [To Panse, somewhat desperately] Doesn't she?!
Calvin: I see... so your daughter is bringing about the end of the world an= d we are going go and ask her not to? Is that our plan? What amounts to ask= ing nicely?
Clint: Trying not to get killed instantly, pretty much.
Alice: Typical! As soon as the kid does something bad, like trying to destroy the world, suddenly she's Charlie's daughter!
Charlie: [Sighs heavily] Indeed, everyone always blames the mother! [To Panse] Do you think Percy can help us persuade Will?
Panse: She certainly wants to try -- my sis is good that way!
Charlie: [Shudders] Yes, sister. [To Panse, dramatically] Now, take us to Percy at once, and we shall commence saving the world!
Calvin: Why do I get the feeling I am going to be doing more and more healing?
Austin: It's part of saving the world! [Gives Calvin and overly light pat on the back]
Dur: Is it, though, is it REALLY?
Alice: So far it hasn't been, but, in fairness, Dur, look at who our doctor is.
Austin: Come now Alice, we're all part of the same, slick, elite team. We learn from our mistakes and become better at every step!
Calvin: Elite team? What gives you that impression? I'm not sure we qualify= ...
We learn from our mistakes and become better at every step! Charlie: [Nods emphatically] Agreed, I have become an excellent leader, [modestly] though when I first joined the party I was merely quite good.
Alice: [To Austin] At least, some of us are. [To Calvin] We certainly do! [Shows him a plastic badge with "Elite Team Member" emblazoned on it, as well as "Free with every box of Forn Clakes" in tiny writing on the bottom] You think they give these to just anyone?

Panse: Take a left up here, Mom, we're almost there.
Charlie: [Following Panse's directions. To the party] Now, I expect all of you to be on your best behavior. [To Calvin and Clint] No profanity! [To Austin] No flirting! [To Alice] And for Phili's sake, NO make-overs set to rousing girl-empowering music!
Alice: [Hair dryer in one hand and huge box of make up in the other, raising her voice to be heard over the strains of Girls Just Wanna Have Fume] What? You know, the last time we saw her, her roots looked like they needed some refreshing!
Clint: And how the fuck am I supposed to interact with your family without swearing?
Charlie: [Astonished] What on earth do you mean?! My family is delightful, other than Wilhelmina's occasional [lamely] tantrums, which we are working to manage!
Alice: They're not so much tantrums as murderous bouts of rage, though, in fairness!

Panse: Ah, here we are!
[The carriage pulls up outside a bar called the Fine Art Restaurant Tavern.]
Alice: Is it supposed to be on fire?
Calvin: Certainly not! [He looks dejected] This is a wonderful establishmen= t! It can't be! [Calling to the party, as he hops off to help fight the fir= e] Get off and help! !
Alice: [Looks horrified] Put OUT a fire? I didn't know that people could do that in bar fires! [Slowly climbs out]
End of scene, next one coming right out
[Book X, Act XII, Scene IV. The Fine Art Restaurant Tavern. ALICE, AUSTIN, CALVIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and PANSE are here. CALVIN is busily trying to put out the fire as PANSE lights a cigarette off it.]
Panse: Is this what we're doing now?
Austin: Steady on, it's just a bar!
Panse: [To Calvin] Try it, buddy, and I'll skewer you with a spoon.
[Enter GRAHAM HATMAN, coming out of the bar. He glares at CALVIN.]
Graham: You! You're the reason this place is on fire! GrahamHatman
The party previously have had some interactions with Graham and found him
annoying but harmless
Austin: [To Calvin] You stand accused of arson, what is your defense?
Dur: Besides, we're here to save the world, not fight fires!
Graham: The dashed fellow was here earlier, being rather rude and unkind. He was lucky I didn't punch him on the nose!
Austin: And how was it that his actions, or lack of action, lead to this establishment being on fire?
Clint: [As with most of the rest of the party, watching the fire with a sense of mild interest] Hey, it's really going now!
Charlie: [Alarmed, looking at the burning building] Has everyone been evacuated?! [Calls out] Percy!
Graham: [To Austin] Well, I don't know! I was inside smoking my pipe! [Turns and gives Charlie a bewildered look] Well, I don't know! I was out here, smoking my pipe and talking to the arsonist! I do believe that I was the last to leave. Now, however, I shall punch your colleague in the face. [Punches Calvin, knocking him back against the carriage]
Charlie: [Gasps] Oh no you don't! He's our only doctor! [Tries to tackle Graham]
Graham: I say! Hands off, madam! [Grabs Charlie by the hair]

Alice: Hey! [Grabs Graham's other arm]
Clint: You want I should kick him in the nuts, Sarge? [Flexes his door-kicking foot menacingly.]
Graham: [Still smoking his pipe] Steady on, old man! My favourite bar has just been destroyed by this grotesque hoodlum. If anyone should get kicked in the nuts it's him!
Calvin: [After staring slack jawed for a few moments] What in then nine hel= ls are you talking about? I had nothing to do with this!!
Graham: I say, sir, not true! Not content with having your fancy woman get you out of trouble the first time around, you then send her to do your dirty work!
Clint: It's going to be real awkward if that 'fancy woman' is Percy!
Alice: [To Calvin] Who was your fancy woman?
Charlie: [To Alice, scanning the burning building] Well, it certainly isn't Percy, and we really must try to locate her at once!
No Dan today?
Calvin: She wasn't my fancy woman -- she was just a friendly and somewhat beautiful girl. Her name was Anna.

Alice: Anna Racks?

Calvin: Do you know her?

Alice: Huh. You could say that!
Anna Racks was the name that Percy used when she first met the party!
Austin: [Moves away from between Charlie and Calvin] Ooops!
Charlie: [To Calvin, horrified] What did you do to my little girl, you monster?!
Calvin: [Backing away] Nothing!
[Enter PERCY, carrying a petrol can. Her face lights up when she see the party.]
Percy: Mom! Guys! I see you met Calvin!
Clint: Hey, kid. I hope you've had the talk, you know, about the birds and the bees and how arson is probably best left to professionals.
Austin: Or our staff.
awa have a good weekend
Percy: [Big smile as she holds up the petrol can] Agreed, Uncles! Arson is best left to the professionals!

Alice: I thought you were half-angel?

Percy: Sure, but I'm also half Parker-Kensington.

Graham: That's her! She's the one who stole my favourite pipe and then used it to set fire to my favourite bar!
Calvin: [finally snapping out of a fugue state] Yeah!! And my favourite bar= !! Why would you do this?!? ((OoC- Sorry for the lack of replies today, my phone didn't update with my = e-mails!)
Percy: Oh please, Cal! Those guys hated you -- they were about to beat you up when I met you there!
bar!! Why would you do this?!? Charlie: [To Percy, horrified] Persephone! What on earth drove you to arson?!
Percy: Frankly, a shocking dearth of hired goons! [Smiles warmly] Oh Mother, don't be such a fuddy duddy! You know I gave them plenty of time to escape.

Graham: [Still smoking his pipe] That's true, she was by far the most polite arsonist I've ever been burned out by.
Charlie: [Smiles proudly at Graham] Oh, how marvelous to hear! [To Percy] If you haven't other buildings you feel you must burn just now, perhaps you could assist us with an urgent matter?
Percy: Of course! If you guys could just help me catch that pigeon, I can even get extra help! [Points to a roof top causing everyone to turn and look]

Alice: How on earth did it get that pair of pants?

Percy: Not a clue -- I'm just amazed it can carry them in its beak and still fly!
The last time the party encountered something like this was several months
ago when dealing with the Dr. Alistair Finley -- a brilliant scientist who was
inexplicably unfortunate when dealing with pigeons

Charlie: [To Percy, astonished] Are you working with Dr. Finley?!
That's my three!
Austin: Is that the Pudgewakle guy?
Percy: The Pukwudgie guys. There are two of them -- Finley and Finley.

Alice: That's right! One came from our dimension with us!
Calvin: Who on earth is Doctor Finley? What has he got to do with pigeons?
Alice: He's some sort of mad scientist who seems frequently beset by all sorts of pigeon related misfortunes. I'm not sure, but I think he probably saved about half the world when The Reveals appeared. [Leans in confidentially] He's also a creepy older guy that Charlie had a weird relationship with!
Charlie: [Indignantly] We conducted research together!
Alice: [Dramatically] See?
Austin: [Shudders] best not to dwell on that subject. Moving on, does the pigeon need to be alive? [Readies his sling shot]
Calvin: It's only a bloody pigeon. Who cares?
Dur: I care obviously. Do you even KNOW how hard it is to eat a LIVE pigeon= ?
Austin: It could be a messenger pigeon, They dont work if they are dead.
Dur: [Licking his lips] Well we won’t know til AFTER we eat it, right?
. ight? Percy: [Steps in front of Austin] Don't listen to them, Austin, you know it isn't right to kill the pigeon! [Mock scoldingly to Calvin] Shame on you, Mr. Cranky Pants! And Uncle Dur? [Squeezes his arm reassuringly] Oh, Dur.
Charlie: [To Percy, looking at Dur pityingly] Yes, there really is nothing we can do for him, as you can see. [All business] Now, have you spoken with your sister lately?
Clint: And if so, has she gotten over the terrible twos yet?
Driving on to Houston in a bit, out for the morning!
Calvin: Fine, we won't kill the pigeon. What's the plan now?
Percy: Don't be so upset, Cal, we'll find something for you to kill before too long! [To Charlie] No, I haven't seen her, but the Finleys have a plan -- however, Finley won't do anything until he gets his pants back.
Charlie: [Nods] Yes, that sounds like Alistair! [Eyes the pants-carrying pigeon] Can we fashion a net to corral it, perhaps?
Percy: Could we go up to the roof and ask for them back?
Clint: Does anyone speak pigeon?
Alice: I can manage a bit of crow, but I only know the racist words.
Austin: Maybe it speaks English? [To the pigeon] Can we have Finleys pants back please?
[The PIGEON rather rudely ignores AUSTIN.]
Alice: I bet he can speak English, Aus, they just pretend they can't!
Charlie: [To Percy] Well, that was a very nice idea, dear, but are YOU able to speak with pigeons?
Percy: Yes, but honestly, they're like a bunch of bitchy little girls, you know, they're all who's got the nicest hackle, who got the seeds first or who did the biggest poop down the blonde girl's back, that kind of thing. [Holds her hand out and the pigeon flies down, still holding the pants]
Calvin: Well that sounds... different. Can you ask them to do things?
Dur: [Looks at Calvin in shock and disgust] Pervert!
Alice: [Looks Calvin up and down] What were you going to ask??
Calvin: [Scoffing at Dur=92s response] I meant like carry messages an=92 th= e like? Perhaps they could help us find the people we need to find? Scoutin= g and such?
an=E2=80=99 the g Austin: let's just get findlay s pants back first.
Alice: [Gives Calvin a wink] Ah! [Finger quotes] Carry a message? Say no more! [Finger guns] Click-click!
[PERCY slowly reaches out to the pigeon.]
Percy: [With a voice as sweet as honey and as soft as an angel wing beat] That's it, gorgeous, bring them to me...
[The PIGEON coos beautifully and lays the pants at PERCY's feet.]
Percy: [Soothingly] Yes, my precious pigeon, everything will be -
[Bam! PERCY punches the pigeon in the face.]
Percy: Thievin' bastard! [To the party] Who's up for some pigeon pie?
Charlie: [Grabs the pants delightedly] Well done, dear! But we haven't time for pigeon pie. We really must find your sister at once!
Austin: [Suprised by the outburst of violence] That sounds like a remarkably dangerous plan.
Clint: Agreed. Besides, there's always time for pie.
Percy: Maybe Dur can keep it somewhere warm until we're ready?
Dur: [Already with a pigeon shaped lunch in his pants] Way ahead of you!
Panse: [Nervously] Uh, hi, uh, Percy, nice to see you again.

Percy: Hi Panse. [Looks him up and down] I hardly recognised you without your spork.

Panse: [Laughs nervously and turns to the party] It was an experimental phase. I was just trying something different.
Clint: There's nothing wrong with sporks! Although usually they're not much of a disguise.
Charlie: [To Panse, disgusted] A spork?! For Phili's sake, choose a man's weapon, won't you?
Calvin: That is probably the most horrendous thing I have ever seen...
Panse: What do you know about it? You didn't even see the spork!
Charlie: He needn't see it to know it is absurd! [To Panse] Right, where is Wilhelmina now?
Panse: I don't know, but the Finleys will.
Austin: Great. Let's go and see the Finleys. We don't want to leave them without their pants for any longer than necessary.
Calvin: Another exciting misadventure in talking to people who probably wil= l want to kill us. [To Austin] Pin cushion! Are you ready?
Austin: Yes, but it does not sound like you are. We are in the business of saving the world, and it is often dangerous and people get hurt. If you are not ready for that you should go home now. We have no room for passangers. [Casually checks his nails] So what is it to be?
Alice: Pink Cushion? That's a groovy name! [To Percy] Come on, we have a carriage! [Points to the "Smegma on Wheels" carriage]

Percy: That's not a carriage. [Puts her fingers to her mouth and whistles loudly]
[A huge sports carriage zooms up towards the party, horses charging towards them until at the very last second, the driver throws it into a handbrake turn causing it to skid millimetres from the party. The driver looks out -- it is FLETCHER "FLETCH" HATCHER.]
Fletch: [Completely naked and grinning like a madman] Totes swerve!

Percy: That's a carriage.


The party had previous dealings with Fletch and found him helpful
and enthusiastic,
although usually naked.
Alice: [Climbs in] Come on, Cal, what else are you going to do? Sit around here and hope that an elephant comes along to entertain you? Because, my friend, that is highly unlikely to happen. Highly!
Calvin: [chuckling] Don't worry about me, I'll help ya not die. It'd be mor= e fun than drinking by myself at any rate. You ragtag bunch of misfits coul= d certainly use a healer of my calibre. I'm with ya.
Alice: [Parps the horn] Well, come on then! Everyone in!
Charlie: [Climbs into Percy's carriage] Hello, Mr. Hatcher! Be a dear and cover yourself in front of my daughter, if you would [hands Fletcher a tea towel covered in adorable embroidered kittens].
Fletch: Totes! [Puts the tea towel on his head and checks himself out in the mirror] Oh yeah! [Pulls down a corner of the tea towel so it dangles over at a rakish angle] Totes Rhett!
Clint: There seems to be something of an epidemic of underdressed people lately. Lawyer, I'd guard my suits with my life if I were you!
Alice: Pish posh, Clint! I bet the Finleys aren't underdressed! [Thinks] Well, once they get their pants back, that is.
Charlie: [To Percy] What are the Finleys working on now? Other than the retrieval of their pants, that is!
Percy: It's mostly pants and pants-related research, but also some God Fission.
Austin: That's a great idea, fewer Gods will only need fewer pairs of pants!
Clint: What would this mean for Wil?
Percy: Actually, God Fission means MORE Gods. But they would be less powerful. [Thinks] I'm not sure what the pants implications are, but Finley has a bunch of calculations and was coming close to a number until the pants incident.
Austin: Surely fusion is a better idea, we'll only need on pair of pant eventually? I will only need to lend them one suit!
Percy: True, but that would make them super powerful -- too big even for your britches, Uncle Austin! By the way, that jacket? [Kisses her fingers] Is that real dodo skin?
Austin: Oh, you know your skins! [Enthusiastically] It's baby Blue Dodo skin. They were very rare.
Charlie: [To Percy, horrified] They are not thinking of using that dreadful device on your poor sister, I hope?! Surely our goal must be getting her to see reason, not dividing her into bits!
Percy: Don't worry, I'll make sure no harm comes to her. The Finleys are doing some careful experimentation before we'll try it out. [To Austin, touching his sleeve] And delicious!
[Everyone gets in.]
Percy: Right, close all the shutters and [opens a bag which she turns to the party] everyone grab an egg beater!
End of scene, next one coming right up!
[Book X, Act XII, Scene V. Inside the Carriage. ALICE, AUSTIN, CALVIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, PERCY and FLETCH are here. All the windows are covered in shutters, including the windscreen, although its shutter has a few tiny cracks of light in it.]
Alice: [Tentatively feels inside the bag] What are these? [Pulls out a egg beater] Oh, these are actual egg beaters?
Charlie: [To Percy, looking at an egg beater] Dear, it's lovely that you are bonding with your Uncle Austin, but we really haven't time to whip up some Dodo eggs just now!
Calvin: [incredulously] And I was being told off for agreeing to let a pige= on die, where as SOMEBODY is going to eat their eggs...
Austin: It ws just a trend. You have to keep up with the times! [To Percy] What are we going to whisk?
Percy: Yeah, these aren't for beating eggs, they're for protection. Fletch, are you ready?

Fletch: The windscreen is blocked by a shutter, there are untold terrors waiting between us and our destination, it's dark, I have half a pack of cigarettes [puts on a pair of shades] and I'm wearing sunglasses. [Gives a huge toothy grin] Totes!
[Reverses into something with an almighty crash.]
Fletch: Oops! [Takes off his shades and fiddles with the gearstick] Man, these foreign carriages always have reverse in a crazy position!
Charlie: [Works the beater furiously] It doesn't offer much protection so far! Mr. Hatcher is still driving!
Fletch: Whooooo!
[The carriage zooms off.]
Alice: That's not how you do it, Charlie! [Works her beater slowly and awkwardly and gets her tongue stuck in it] Ow! Thelp!

Percy: [To Charlie, with her own beater at the ready] We'll need them soon.
[The carriage gives a lurch as it sideswipes something.]
Fletch: Totes soz! I can't see a thing! [Turns back to the party] Is this crazy or what?
Dur: [Nervously clutching his beater] Compared to usual? Not really as much as you’d think...
ch as you=E2=80=99d think... Alice: [To Fletch] Eyeth on the thuther!
[The carriage continues, seemingly bashing into people and other objects, as well as scraping alongside what sounds like other carriages.]
Dur: So.... what exactly are the beaters for?
Calvin: Oi!! Where'd you learn to drive?!?
Fletch: [Turns around in his seat] Actually, that's funny story!
[Something huge crashes onto the roof.]
Percy: [To Dur] For that!
Clint: Is it a giant egg monster?
Percy: I'm not sure what it is, but it has lots of tentacles. And I mean LOTS.

Alice: More than eight?

Percy: A lot more than eight.
Austin: Do we have enough soy sauce? Panse is a pretty good chef!
Panse: [Paling beneath his super white make up] Is it a Tentacasaurus?

Percy: [As the carriage gets battered from all sides] Yes.

Panse: Oh.
Charlie: [Alarmed] Perhaps we require larger egg beaters! [To Percy, pulling out her sword] Can they be killed with conventional weapons?
Calvin: A what? What on earth is a tentacasaurus and why wouldn't they be k= illable?!? And if they're not, WHY ARE WE GOING TO FIGHT ONE?!?
Percy: It's killable, but we need to set it on fire with a five thousand degree flame -- be careful with that sword, Mom, if you cut off a tentacle, two grow back! [Turns to Calvin] We're not really going to fight it, it's more a case that we're going try and not get killed by it.
Calvin: Excellent! Not-dying and preventing deaths are my best skills!
Charlie: [Sheathes her sword reluctantly. To Calvin, approvingly] We are most grateful for your help! [To Dur] Isn't it a relief to finally have a medical expert in the group?
Alice: See, Dur? Some doctors prevent deaths!
[A tentacle squeezes through a tiny gap beside a shutter between CHARLIE and CALVIN.]
Alice: [Pointing at it] Look! There's a testicle squeezing in!
Dur: Hey, I prevent Death SOMETIMES just not all the time ok!
Alice: Not being there when it doesn't happen doesn't mean you prevented from happening, Dur!
[Tentacles start to squeeze in through previously unnoticed gaps, expanding as they get in.]
Charlie: [Gasps and spins the egg beater into the tentacles] Get back, you vile thing!
Alice: Hey! One feeling me up! [Looks at Austin] Hey! [Winds her egg beater and successfully tangles up a tentacle] Got one!
Clint: This is silly! [Tries to capture a tentacle.] But probably effective.
Percy: [Tosses another egg beater to Alice as Clint snarls up a tentacle] When we first encountered him he had 12 tentacles. It took a while to figure out that simply cutting them off wasn't the most efficient way of dealing with him.
Austin: [Tries to whisk the nearest tentacle] Watch out Alice, there are tentacles everywhere!
Alice: It's like being in the back of the carriage with creepy old Uncle Steve!
[AUSTIN yoinks the tentacle and grabs another egg beater.]
Alice: How many tentacles are there?

Percy: Around two thousand.
Steve! Charlie: [Groans, whipping tentacles madly] And how many egg beaters do we have?!
Calvin: Is anyone in need of not-dying but is close to not having that?
Clint: Wouldn't we be better off just bringing along some schoolgirls to sacrifice to the tentacle monster?
Alice: [To Calvin] Clint won't not be not in need of it if he doesn't not suggesting stuff like that! How about we put Clint in a schoolgirl outfit? That would surely scare off any tentacle monster!
Charlie: I would have thought his odor would do that, but apparently this creature has a poor sense of smell! [Valiantly tries to egg beater another tentacle]
[The carriage careers wildly through the streets, clearly knocking both inanimate objects and pedestrians, before there are some deafening explosions just outside the carriage.]
Alice: What hell was that? Percy: You know, there is a war going on!
Calvin: [As he tries to find an egg beater to join the melee, and shouting = to make himself heard] Do we have a plan to deal with whatever these tentac= les are attached to?
Fletch: He usually lets go once the carriage is on fire.
shouting to make himself heard] Do we have a plan to deal with whatever these tentacles are attached Charlie: [Nods at Calvin's words, egg beating tentacles like mad] Indeed, how likely are we to be able to keep these creatures at bay long enough to find the Finleys? We must be running low on egg beaters by now!
Alice: On fire? How will we know when we're one fire? [Sniffs] Hey, is it getting hot in here?

Fletch: That's probably the fire.
Austin: is the carriage fire proof?
; out for rest of the day
Fletch: [Laughs] Hah!
[An eery silence descends as the carriage maintains its blind and now fiery charge through the streets.]
Alice: So is that yes or no?

Fletch: We'll burn up faster than a cat's socks! Totes sock!
Charlie: [Gasps] Not Profess-purr Fluffy Meowington III's socks! His dear little paws would be so terribly cold!
Percy: [Taking a small fire extinguisher and putting out a fire beside Alice] Oh Profess-purr! Never was there a kitten so good at burrowing!

Alice: Oh my god! Are we likely catch fire or not?

Fletch: No!

Alice: No we're not likely to catch or no we are likely to catch fire? My god!
god! Charlie: [To Alice] We will almost certainly catch fire, so you must do all you can to smother it before we are consumed by it! Here! [Hands Alice another tea towel with an embroidered kitten on it]
Dur: How much further do we have to go?!
Percy: Good question! Fletch, how much--
[FLETCH turns and interrupts her.]
Fletch: Yeah, how much further DO we have to go?
Clint: I suppose that depends on how many egg beaters we have left!
Fletch: I'm just driving around totes rand!

Austin: Then how did you find us?

Fletch: I didn't, you found us!
[Another explosion rattles the carriage, with FLETCH barely managing to keep it under control.]
Charlie: [Grabs onto a seat to steady herself] Do you at least know the direction we should be going?! Perhaps we can judge the direction from the relative position of the sun! [Tries to peek out a window]
[Between the fire and the tentacles, CHARLIE can't really see much of anything, and the explosion that booms out beside the carriage and sends it flying doesn't help either. Everyone's stomach lurches as carriage flies into the air and does a graceful spin before it smashes down hard on the roof and slides along at high speed.]
Alice: I'm pretty sure we should be upside down! Fletch: Hey, at least the tentacle guy is gone -- totes tent!
Charlie: [To the party] Hang on, group! Perhaps we had better run for it when we crash to a stop!!
Calvin: [nods, preparing to jump just as the thing crashes] You lot are the= craziest bunch I have ever met, you know that?
Alice: [Calmly putting on some lipstick even as the carriage continues its high speed slide towards almost certain doom] I say, Austin, the cheek of the fellow!
Calvin: [Smiling widely] Hey, you=92re all crazy, but that=92s the fun of i= t! This is the most fun I=92ve had in ages!
s the fun of it! Austin: Really? Personally I prefer Alice's driving. [Puts out a small fire with a damp tea towel]
fire with a damp tea towel] Charlie: [Hanging on for dear life] I thought Alice WAS driving?! After all, we are upside, mid-crash, and on fire!
Alice: [Laughs] But we are still moving! [Thinks] Hey!
[The carriage stops abruptly as it crashes into something.]
Alice: Quickly, everyone leap ou-
[There is a tremendous crashing sounds as what sounds like a roof collapses onto the carriage.]
Alice: Oh.
Calvin: Well that was unexpected!!
Alice: But note how calm we are, Cal. We -- [eyes widen in horror] Noooooooooooooooooo...
[Cut to outside as windows break and dogs perk up in reaction to the deafening shrill scream. Cut back inside.]
Alice: .. oooooooooooooooooo!
Charlie: [Looks around quickly] What is it?!
Alice: I lost the lid of my lipstick!

Percy: Isn't that it in your hand?

Alice: Oh! [Smiles happily] Yay! [Puts the lid back on] Anyway, as I was saying, you need to calm to Calvin!
Austin: [Tries to see what is going on outside] Where are we now?
Alice: Under a pile of rubble is my guess!
[The party pull back one of the boards from a shutter can see that this is the case, although there is a clear sound of people digging.]
Charlie: [Hopefully] Surely that suggests they wish to rescue us! If they meant us ill, they could just leave us here to suffocate!
Austin: Your optimism is appreciated. Let's hope that is why they are digging so vigoursly, and not because they are hungry!
Panse: [Pulls out a bunch of spoons] We could start digging out -- surprise them!
Austin: [Takes spoons and hands them round] Let's dig, team! [Points at some places to start digging, and waits expectantly]
Alice: Dig? Us? From a carriage? At this time of night?

Panse: [Dramatically] Someone needs to save Mom and prevent Will from inadvertently destroying the world! [Takes out a spade and starts to dig]

Alice: Hey! How come you didn't give us spades?

Panse: Would you have used them?

Alice: Maybe.
Charlie: [Watches Panse critically] Pestilence would dig with far more vigor than that! [To the party] I did so hope my daughters would find a man with their father's vigor. . . .
Clint: Eww!
Calvin: [Beginning to help] That is disgusting...
Percy: Oh please, she just wants her to be happy!

Panse: [Starts to dig real, real slow, as some Warry Bite music smooths onto the carriage radio] I got vigour.... and patience.
Austin: Admirable qualities. What more could a mother wish for?
Charlie: [Shudders then claps her hands briskly] More and faster digging, young man!
Panse: [Looks momentarily surprised] Huh, you know that sounds --

Percy: [Holds her hand to make him stop] For the love of god, Panse, don't. Just don't.
Austin : surely you appreciate some variety, not just 'hard and fast' all the time? Why don't you help him with that. He is your future son in law, after all.
Calvin: Slow and steady wins the race, that's what I always say!
[Someone breaks through the tunnel that PANSE is digging with their own shovel. A head pops in to see what's going on. It is, to everyone's surprise, FLETCH.]
Fletch: [Big thumbs up] Totes tun! Alice: Hey! Weren't you driving us?
[The FLETCH in the carriage laughs.]
Fletch: Totes!
Yes, there ARE two Fletchs!
Charlie: [To digging Fletch] Thank you for your assistance! Now, how long have you been [looks at the other Fletch] plural?
Calvin: [To the Fletches] Are there anymore of you?!?
Austin: [Relieved to see Fletch2. Thumbs up] Totes Fletch!
Fletch: [The one on the carriage] Ugly looking brute, isn't he?
[The two FLETCHS do a "hang loose" sign and embrace.]
Dur: [Looks between the Fletch's warily] So uhm.... are we out of danger now?
Fletch: [Laughs] No, now you're IN danger!

Fletch2: [The new Fletch] But that's probably than being in the carriage with Fletch!
Charlie: [To Fletch2] What is happening out there?!
Austin: Perhaps you could reconnoitre the area, Sarge?
Fletch2: Totes war!
Dur: War? Between who?
Clint: And are we winning?
Fletch: Uh... between everyone, I think! And everyone's losing! Totes lose!

Percy: Ever since The Cacophony there have been battles between the gods, devils, past gods, minor demons, semi-demons, demi-semi-demons, hemi-demi-semi-demons, semi-hemi-demi-semi-demons and assholes. They are getting increasingly worse.
lose! Charlie: [Somewhat defensively] But some benefit has surely come from the Cacophony?
Percy: [Goes to say something and then stops] Hm, surely?

Fletch: Chips are really cheap now! [Big thumbs up] Totes chip!

Alice: Oh great! I love chips! How come they're so cheap?

Fletch2: No one's left to eat them!

Alice: But who's making them?

Fletch: [Shrugs] Idunno. It's economics, isn't it?
Dur: I'll eat them! Ask these guys, I'll eat ANYTHING!
Clint: It's true.  Take us to your stash of chips!
Charlie: We haven't time for that! [To Fletch2] How is Wilhelmina dealing with all of this? [Hopefully] It must be terribly distracting for her.
Fletch2: Totes! She's hardly tried to destroy the world at all!
Charlie: Marvelous! We must go to her while we have this opportunity!
Alice: But has she destroyed anything?

Panse: A couple of thou'.
Calvin: A couple of thou what? Pounds? Dollars? Meerkats? People? Houses? H= omeless art students? Rabid chickens?
Homeless art students? Rabid chickens? Charlie: [Nods gravely] Yes, specifics are vital to allowing us to gauge the seriousness of the situation! [Hopefully] If it houses, perhaps they were dilapidated and unsafe?
Panse: Mainly people and homeless art students, but hardly any meerkats, she's not a monster, you know!

Alice: What about the houses? Were they dilapidated and unsafe?

Panse: They are now!
Austin: [Sadly] Worlds. A couple of thousand worlds.
Austin: Acts of God.
Panse: Acts of Gods. Well, gods, devils, past gods, minor demons, semi-demons, demi-semi-demons, hemi-demi-semi-demons, semi-hemi-demi-semi-demons and assholes.
Clint; If there were still a functioning society, imagine all the billable hours trying to sort out whose insurance policy covers what damage! Fortunately...
Fletch2: Totes fort! Anyway, let's get going.
Charlie: Splendid! [Unsure] But where are you taking us?
Fletch2: [Face drops] I thought you were here to rescue me!

Alice: Our carriage is upside down, covered in tentacles, badly burned, covered in several tons of rubble and the radio is stuck on some frankly, grotesque Country and Western station, so you really think we're in a position to rescue anyone?

Percy: In his defence, the carriage is in a better condition the last time we came here!
Calvin: Oi! What's wrong with Country and Western?
Alice: I can think of at least two things!
Charlie: [Pats Alice's head absently] Excellent progress, dear! [To Fletch2] Do you know where Wilhelmina is right now? Perhaps we should approach her now?
Austin: [in agreement with Alice] The 'country' and the 'western'?
Alice: [Thinks for a moment] Huh, make that four things!
Calvin: I happen to like Country and Western music!
Alice: [Shakes her head sadly, a mixture of pity and disgust in her eyes] Poor Calvin, poor, poor Calvin.
Charlie: [To Alice] Not everyone enjoys the inane warbling of prepubescent boy bands, you know! [Primly] I do not really care for music, myself. It distracts one from more important pursuits, such as reading and cataloging!
Austin: [To Calvin] That's really not funny. Please avoid sadistic and cruel jokes. It's demonic enough at the moment without adding more.
Alice: Oh please! Not everyone enjoys boybands? Charlie, sometimes I wonder about you, I really do! Come on, let's get out of here!
End of scene, next one coming right up!
[Book X, Act XII, Scene VI. A Workshop. ALICE, AUSTIN, CALVIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, FLETCH, FLETCH2, PANSE and PERCY are here, with PERCY leading the party down a corridor. She throws open a door to reveal FINLEY inside, wearing a cardigan and some underpants.]
Finley: Ah! Pukwudgie! Did you find my pants? Percy: I certainly did, and look who else I found! [Steps back to let him see the party]

Finley: Ah yes, excellent to see you... all!
Charlie: Professor Finley--how marvelous! I am eager to hear about your work into God Fission at once!
Dom is out this week!
Austin: And please keep it short, some of us have a very low threshold for boredom.

Finley: Yes, yes, of course! [Lands a stack of about thirty books on a table in front of the party] Take a read of those and then we'll be ready to discuss!

Alice: [Picks one up and reads] "An introduction to ...." [snore]
Charlie: [Looks at the books, scandalized] But where are the other books?! [Primly] I do hope you are not cutting corners in your research! [Eagerly grabs the thickest book in the stack and starts reading]
Calvin: [Incredulously] You want us to read ALL these books?!? I haven't ha= d to do this much reading since Medical School...
ad to do this much reading since Medical School...=20 Dur: [Scoffs] You actually read all that garbage? Amatuer...
Finley: [Indignantly to Charlie] Certainly not! This is just for starters! [Looks Dur up and down with wide eyed incredulity] Is that a pigeon in your pants or are you just pleased to see me?
Calvin: He's just happy to see you!
Dur: Can't it be both?
Finley: Excellent, excellent! I could tell from the largeness of his head that he likely had an unquenchable thirst for knowledge! [Leans in confidentially to Dur] Best place for the damned things, but let me give you an important tip, always make sure they're dead first!
Clint: Learned by experience, did you?
Finley: Data, my lad, data! We compared pigeon, dead pigeon and control groups.

Alice: What did the control group have?

Finley: Iguanas.

Alice: What hell? Who goes around with iguanas down their pants?

Finley: [Looks away for a second] Not me, and that's for sure!
groups. Charlie: [To Finley] While I admire your endlessly inquiring mind enormously, could we bring the focus back to your work on God Fission?!
Finley: Quite right, Pukwudgie, quite right! Now, have you all read the books I suggested?

Alice: N-yeeeees.

Finley: Excellent, then you'll be familiar with the Ingleson-Henderson Detanglement Theory?

Alice: Let's say we are.
[A moment passes.]
All: [Completely unconvincingly] We are.

Finley: Alas, it doesn't work. It served only to enrage the subject.
Charlie: [Flipping through books furiously] Have you made no progress whatsoever?!
Finley: Certainly not! We have ruled out many possible ways to achieve fission!
Dur: Do you have any theories that show promise?
Finley: Indeed I do! However, a shocking lack of volunteers is making experimentation difficult. We need to obtain some as a matter of urgency!
Clint: Do they have to be willing volunteers? I say we find a couple of the weaker, stupider ones and get them involved by whatever means necessary. We could take out an ad, for example.
Charlie: [Hands Dur a copper piece and nods to Finley] Professor! I have a volunteer for you!
Finley: Excellent idea! But this specimen here is not a devil or demon, and, alas, taking out an ad has proven fruitless.

Austin: Where did you take out ads?

Finley: In both the Journal of Science and Stuff and in Pants Fanciers Weekly.

Alice: And no one replied? Incredible.
Weekly. Charlie: [To Panse, nodding to Finley] You heard the man! This is your opportunity to shine! [To Finley, in a low, hopeful voice] Is it very, VERY risky?!
Finley: Exceedingly!

Percy: But he's not a demon!

Panse: [Helpfully] But I *am* an asshole!

Percy: Surely this won't make Will *less* angry?
Charlie: [Gives Panse a look of disappointment] I see. [To the party] Perhaps we should go round up a minor demon or two for the cause?
Clint: Say, would our dragon work?
Panse: Aw! Thanks Mom! [To the party] Let's get some demon on!
Calvin: Where would be the best place do you reckon?
Dur: Hopefully not some place TOO deparved, like the [Shudders] library.
Finley: Good, god, no! Only the strongest and most terrifying spend time in the library. The real weak and pathetic ones spend their time at the beach.

Alice: Wow! It sure sounds like they know what they're doing!

Finley: Ah yes, you probably haven't been at the beach since... the incident.
incident. Charlie: [Concerned] What incident?!
Finley: Oh, the exact details don't matter, I mean, it's not like it's the first beach ever to have urine for water, is it?
Calvin: What a pretty picture you paint with words.
Finley: Ah yes, my boy, but you have seen nothing until those morning urine mists!

Alice: Ew! It sounds like that swimming pool I was in that time, it was full of pee!

Austin: Was it full of pee before you got in?

Alice: Focus, Austin! We're talking about the beach here!
Charlie: [To the party, resolutely] No matter how vile, we must go to the beach at once and find many weak demons with scant will to live!

Alice: [Having quickly changed into an itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka dot bikini complete with enormous sunglasses and a hat so large it barely fits in the room] Do you think we'll have some time for sunbathing?

Austin: I certainly hope not -- there would be a very real danger of [with horror] freckling!
Calvin : [To Alice, charmingly] I doubt it, but you could jeep wearing that= if you like!
Alice: [Fanning herself] Why, Mister Arden! I never took you for such a fan of millinery!

Austin: [Ducking to avoid being hit in the face by her enormous hat as he puts a mask over his face and gloves on his hands] I'm ready for the beach now.
Clint: You're going to need something for that suit, lawyer! I bet urine mists stain something awful! [Cracks his knuckles.] Let's go find a small weak demon and pick on it.
Austin: You bet? Or you know from personal experience? [Looks Clint up and down] And that sad excuse for trousers you are wearing?
Charlie: [Discreetly slips behind a huge stack of books and emerges wearing an old-fashioned bathing suit that covers her from wrists to ankles and features a dowdy, heavily ruffled long skirt] Now, are we all ready?
Clint: You mean the ones I stole from a bum? I'm pretty sure they were stained when I got them!
Alice: [To Charlie] For what? A funeral? [Hisses at Clint] Hey! His name is Dur!
Dur: [Nervously] We won't have to go near the w-w-water will we?
Finley: Of course not, silly lad, this is Nostalgia Beach! It is mainly urine!
urine! Charlie: [Wrinkling her nose] Where did it come from in such volume?!
Finley: Finley had some catastrophic experimental disaster, I'm afraid. Here, this will tell you all you need to know. [Hands over a massive stack of books]
Calvin: Oh no! Not again! I will not be dragged into reading a bunch of sil= ly books for no reason.
Finley: Don't you want to know all about Finley's ill fated experiment?

Alice: Did it result in the sea around Nostalgia turning pee-green?

Finley: Yes!

Alice: I think that's about all we need to know!
Calvin: [nods triumphantly] Exactly. So... now that we're here, what do we = do?
Finley: You get in a carriage and drive to the beach!

Alice: Are we going to be attacked by that giant squid thing?

Percy: Oh no, the drive to the beach is quite safe -- the place is so disgusting that no one is fighting over it.
Charlie: That's a relief, anyway! [Shudders] Though I dread to see a place so horrid even demons do not wish to pillage it!
Finley: It's almost as bad as Limerick!

Alice: To the Urine Beach!
[Everyone stands around.]
Alice: Er, do we have a carriage that isn't buried under half a ton of rubble?

Percy: Loads! It's almost embarrassingly easy to steal them now that the apocalypse is on us! [Catches Charlie's eye] I mean, we may have one or two!
Clint: Outstanding! Maybe even enough that Alice can practice here driving in safety? [Looks around for more protective kit.]
Alice: [As Percy leads the party into a garage filled with all sorts of beautiful carriages] I don't need any practice! I'm a great driver! [Somehow manages to cause a massive scratch on a carriage as she walks passed] Oops!
Charlie: [Looking at Alice's scratch in disapproval] I shall drive, and do stop vandalizing the stolen property! Someone [looks pointedly at Percy] must return each and every one of these with a handwritten apology and a fruit basket once the apocalypse is over!
Alice: [Leaping into the driver's seat of the fastest looking carriage] Oh please! How can they be [finger quotes] vandalised if they are stolen? I mean, is that even a word? [Honks the horn] Come on! We've got a urine beach to visit!
[The party load into the carriage, which zooms away, crashing through the garage door and into the street.]
Alice: Whoooohooooo!
Austin: [Putting on earplugs and an inflatable neck pillow] Travel is so much less stressful when you don't have to drive.
Alice: I wonder which way the beach is. [Sniffs] Ah, this way. [Turns down a dark alleyway at high speed]
Calvin: True enough... [he stretches his legs out to take up slightly more = space than is necessary]
more space than is necessary] Charlie: [Hanging on for dear life] There is no time to relax! We must formulate a plan and multiple back up plans. [Whips out a notepad and taps her pencil on it meditatively] Now, let me think . . . what are the weakest and easiest demons to capture?
Alice: That guy with all the tentacles seemed pretty tough, I wonder if --
[She breaks off as a huge, octopus looking creature bears down on the carriage, which smacks straight into it, covering the entire windscreen.]
Alice: I can't see anything!
Dur: Don't worry dear, I don't think your driving could get any worse!
Calvin: You shouldn't have said that! That's as bad as say "What could poss= ibly go wrong?"!! You've doomed us for sure !!
[Somewhat surprisingly, ALICE's driving has actually improved!]
Alice: Oh please, Calvin, I know what I'm doing. God himself couldn't make us crash! Now, quickly, someone take the pointy stick and climb out onto the wing and peel that disgusting demon off the windscreen, I'm sicking of looking at his hairy mouth. [Looks a little more closely] Ew! That's not his mouth at all!
Charlie: [Rushes to the windscreen and tries stab the demon] Back, you horrid thing!
[CHARLIE viciously stabs him, causing it to fall off.]
Alice: Thank you! That's way better! [Looks out the window and shakes her fist angrily at the enraged demon as he rolls away into the background] You idiot! We could have been killed!
Austin: [Lifts his sleep mask up for a moment] Everything okay?
Dur: We STILL could be killed if you don’t keep your eyes on the road!  
road! Austin: [To Dur] Drama queen!
Alice: We're fine Aus, it's just Dur being a baby. [Turns and looks out the windscreen] Oh nooooo!
road! Alice: We're fine Aus, it's just Dur being a baby. [Turns and looks out the windscreen] Oh nooooo!
Charlie: [To Alice, trying to look out the windscreen] What?! I cannot see anything!
Alice: That's exactly it, why is it so dark? It's only 2PM!
[It is insanely dark outside.]
Clint: It's like winter in Ireland!
Sorry all.  I had insane insomnia last night and didn't finally fall
asleep until like

7:00 this morning.  No idea why.
Alice: [Still driving at high speed] This doesn't seem quite right!
Austin: [Gets out an inflight blanket and covers his legs and lap] Surely your carriage has lights?
Alice: [Fiddles around with a bunch of switches] Is this it?
[Some awful boyband music BLARES out of the carriage stereo.]
Alice: Hey, this is cool music!
Charlie: [Puts her hands over her ears] Make it stop! Make it stop!!
Calvin: My absolute pleasure. [He then hits the radio in an attempt to brea= k it]
Alice: [Singing along tunelessly] Make it stoooop, make it stooooooop!
[CALVIN thumps the radio hard, causing the channel to change. A DJ's voice booms out, somehow even louder than before.]
DJ: This is Radio Hum. All your humming favourites all the time. Next up, the humming sound made a fridge. Hummmmmmmm.
Charlie: [To Calvin, with a deep sigh of relief] That is much, much better. [To Alice] Now, keep your eyes and mind on the road, and do stop dreaming of becoming a Mrs. Backside Boy!
Alice: Oh please, like you know any Backside Boyz songs!

DJ: And now, a different kind of fridge. Hummmmmmm.
Dom is afk

Austin: [Glares at the radio] Can someone please do something about that?
;; Dom is afk
Clint: And now for the sound of no radio. [Turns it off.] No sense in attracting more attention!
[The knob simply comes off in CLINT's hand.]
DJ: And now, another fridge. [Gives an ear piercing scream] Aieeeeeeeeeeee! Alice: [Hands over her ears] What the hell kind of messed up fridge is that?
Clint: One that's as much on its last legs as this radio is!  Quick, find a hammer so we can do emergency repairs!
Austin : [Poinst to the 'smah window in emergency' hammer on the side of the carriage] Try that, Mr Scar, but do be careful.
[The carriage hits something and flies high into the air.]
Alice: [Uselessly twisting the steering wheel left and and right] I think this constitutes an emergency!
Charlie: [Covers her head] Oh, WHY do we allow Alice to drive?!
Austin: [Holding on] Because she's better than the rest of you! Fast, assertive, defensive, evasive. What more could you want?
Alice: Thanks Aus! We're totally safe!
[The carriage lands with a splash, and is clearly in some large body of liquid.]
Alice: Oh, what did Finley say about the sea being turned to urine?
Calvin: That it was and we should probably get out of here! [He starts tryi= ng to leave the carriage]
[CALVIN opens the door and urine pours into the carriage.]
Alice: Ew! It's like being in a bathroom after Clint used it!
Charlie: [Covers her nose and jumps up on a seat] Shut the door! Shut the door!!
Dur: [Watches Charlie in amusement] Don’t be afraid, it’s only urine after all. I have soiled myself in worse!
only urine after Austin: [Screams like a burning baby, getting as far from the pee as possible. Frantically looking for and escape] help!
Alice: [Winding down the window as she turns to Austin] Yes! Yes!
Charlie: [To Alice] Wait! How high are the [shudders] urine levels?! You may flood the carriage!
Alice: [To Charlie] Sh! Austin has a way to help us! [Looks expectantly at Austin]
Calvin: Oh quit your whining! It's only a bit of urine. It's not like you b= een shot with arrows!
Alice: Ew! I just swallowed some!
[The darkness vanishes and it is perfectly bright again outside. The party can see that they are indeed in the sea, but, fortunately, only a short distance from the shore.]
Clint: I'm sure you've swallowed worse, Bimbo. Pass me a seat or something so we can row ashore.
Austin: [Climbing on top of the cariage] Prepare the life raft Mr Scar!
Clint: [To the demons] Greetings! [Turns to the party, obviously pleased with his diplomatic prowess]
[The demons bang weapons on the beach, shouting and jeering as the party approach, with everyone now on top of the carriage adopting dramatic poses. There are hundreds of demons here, varying from a few inches tall to well over fifteen feet in height.]
Alice: [Draws her sword and gives the party a brave look] Okay, my friends, it looks like this, is it? [Thinks] I mean, it looks like this is it!
Austin: [Readies his sling shot] Perhaps we can negotiate?
Calvin: [Readying his two handed warhammer] Negotiation may work but better= to be prepared!
[The carriage hits the beach.]
Alice: Chaaaaaarge!
End of scene, next one coming right up!
[Book X, Act XII, Scene VII. The Beach at Nostalgia. ALICE, AUSTIN, CALVIN, CHARLIE, CLINT and DUR are here, wading through a throng of demons, hacking and slashing.]
Alice: Perhaps we need a plan?
Charlie: [Calls out to the demons as she slashes away] We really only need a few volunteers, and then we can leave all of you to soak in urine in peace!
Alice: [Stabs one in the chest] Hah!
[The demon that ALICE stabs, NIK THE DEMON, responds.]
Nik: Ow! Hey! That's really sharp you know! [To the other demons] Hang on, let's hear them out.

NikThe Demon

Charlie: [To Nik] Splendid! How would YOU like to have another friend, exactly like you? Someone to [hesitates] er, frolic in the urine ocean with? And with whom you could [fumbles] bask on the sunny beach, breathing in the acrid air of camaraderie?
[Another demon, NICQUE, steps forward.]
Nicque: Hey! I'm his friend! We frolic in the urine all the time!

NicqueThe Demon

Austin: [Looks at Charlie, surprised] Worth a try I suppose [then look at the demon to see his response]
at the demon to see his response] Charlie: [To Nicque] Of course, but if each of you could produce multiple copies of yourself, then imagine the fun you could have! Why, you could form your very own study group!
Alice: You don't really look like him, though, do you? I mean, he's go that stylish tux and you have that awful hat and those, frankly, unfortunate glowy eyes.

Nicque: What the hell? That's totally speciest!

Nik: Easy, Nicque, they don't realise how much their words hurt us. And you know, Nick might really enjoy a study group.
Clint: It seems we've come to just the right place! How many of you would be interested in this once in a lifetime opportunity, do you reckon?
[The demons all start piping up.]
Demon: Me! Demon2: Me!

Nik: We'll all do it! Anything to get away from here!
Austin: Wow, you must really hate it here!
Charlie: Marvelous! [Points to five demons, including Nic/Nicque/Nick] You five come with us!
Nicque: It's awful! You have no idea! I mean, sure, having a sea of urine may look cool, but --
[A super deep and terrifyingly calm voice speaks, causing the demons to all go super quiet.]
Voice: I'll go.
Charlie: [Looks around] I do not see you, but we shall have to come back for you! I do not think we can fit more than five extra in the carriage on this trip!
[The crowd of demons move apart to reveal a huge, nine foot tall demon with long matted hair and bits of skin sticking to his face. This is CRAWELTHOR.]
Crawelthor: [Points at Charlie] I said "I'll go".
[CHARLIE immediately starts choking.]
Alice: Hey! [Moves to run at him, but stops dead in her tracks] Gasp! Can't... breathe.... Crawelthor
And there we will take a break until April 29th!
Crawelthor: Come on, let's go.
Dur: Um.... Where are we going again?
Crawelthor: Where ever you are taking the volunteers.
Back to Finley for experimentation on!
Finley then.
Finley then. Charlie: [Clutching her throat and gasping] Can't breathe! [Points indignantly at Crawelthor]
Crawelthor: [To Austin] Thank you. [Waves at Charlie and Alice, both of whom stop choking]

Alice: Where's the carriage?
It's upside down in the urine sea!
Charlie: [Looks at the carriage in dismay] Perhaps there is another one nearby we could--ahem--borrow?
Dur: [Exasperated] Borrow!? But what about all the trouble of leaving a note and the inevitable returning of the borrowed carriage? Can’t we just steal one like we usually do?
we just Crawelthor: Point me in the right direction. No one will attack with me her= e.
Dur: All right! [Looks around utterly lost] Ummm......
Clint: Say, you guys don't happen to have a spare dragon laying around? Ours was shot down but our carriage is sinking.
Crawelthor: Just give me the address.

Alice: If we give you the address, is there a chance you'll just kill us?

Crawelthor: Yes.

Alice: Hang on a second.
[The party form a huddle.]
Alice: I don't think we should give him the address.
Dur: Do we even have the address? I certainly don't...
Charlie: [To Dur, pityingly] Of course you don't! [Looks at Crawelthor warily] I thought only the weak and pitiful demons were to be found at this horrid beach!
don=E2=80=99t fancy being here for long. Charlie: [To Crawelthor] Er, what brought you to this beach, if you do not mind me asking? [Reflexively touches her throat and winces] On Tue, Apr 30, 2019 at

11:34 AM Heather

wrote: is
Crawelthor: I'm weak and pitiful.

Alice: If we don't know the address, we could probably find the place again. My instinct for direction is unerring.
Austin: Great, let's get going then. [To Alice] Lead the way. [Looks around] Did we borrow a carriage yet?
Alice: No, but I'm a hundred percent certain we're going the right way. [Holds her hand up to silence everyone as she closes her eyes, before opening them quickly] Hah! Got it! [Leads the party down a side street and up to a large metal door] In here.
Charlie: [Delighted] Splendid, it was far closer than it initially seemed! [Heads for the door]
Calvin: Does it strike anyone else as odd that is is only just round the co= rner from where we were?
Austin: No. Why is it odd to you? I'd call it convenient.
Alice: Yeah, we know these things!
[CHARLIE pulls opens the door to reveal a huge warehouse filled with all sorts of hair care products. This is clearly not FINLEY'S place.]
Clint: My God, it's a vision of hell itself!
Alice: [Rummaging through the boxes] Oh please! This place is great!

Crawelthor: [Holding a hair dryer and looking down the barrel of it] This does not appear to be the place.
Charlie: [Looking around in astonishment] How can there be this many varieties of hair products?! [Disapprovingly] One only needs to keep one's hair clean and tidy!
Alice: [Looks at Charlie with pity] And yet still one's hair looks like that! [Picks up about ten cans of product] Let's fix it!

Crawelthor: You can fix her later.
Austin: [Shrugs] Worth a try I suppose.
Alice: Aw! So we keep going?

Nicque: [Trying on some hairspray] Man, this place is great!
Charlie: [Dismayed] We haven't time for dress-up! [To the group] We never should have allowed Alice to choose the direction. Follow me, everyone! [Heads out the door with confidence]
Calvin: Oh dear... this seems like it=92s only going to get worse...
. Alice: Oh please! [Slams down her gear petulantly, but surreptitiously pockets some of it] How could it get any worse?
[CHARLIE opens the door only to be confronted with an enormous creature with what appears to be thousands of tentacles. Its grotesquely mouth opens and ROARS, causing everyone to blanche at the smell.]
Austin: [Ducking away inside] Are there any oral hygene products in here? [Looks for some industrial mouthwash]
Alice: No, but there's some Floreal Platinum #5 colour if that's any use?
Charlie: [Gasps and frantically slams the door shut] Perhaps we should look for another way out? A back door or window?
[CHARLIE rudely tries to slam the door in his face, but some of the many tentacles sneak in and hold the door open, as it pulls its way in.]
Alice: Got him! [Sprays him with some Floreal Platinum #5] Did it work?
[The mist from her spray fades and the monster looks even more enraged.]
Nicque: No, now he's even angrier -- although he does look better as a blonde!
Austin: How do you know it's a he? Is he an acquaintance of yours?
Nicque: [Hiding behind a display of weaves] Not so much an acquaintance as someone who murdered a bunch of my friends.
Dur: Maybe he just wants to volunteer?
Clint: Sarge, do you want to be the one to tell him that the study has all the applicants it needs?  Nerd it up with science talk. Maybe a reference to fiscal responsibility.  The monsters love that stuff.  [Takes a long step back.]
[The tentacles whip in, wrapping tightly around each of CHARLIE, CALVIN and DUR, and hitting ALICE and AUSTIN, knocking them to the ground.]
Alice: [Drawing her sword] He's got them!
Charlie: [Tries desperately to kick at the creature] Unhand--er, untentacle me, you horrid thing!
[The monster smashes CHARLIE against the ground and bangs CALVIN and DUR together with a sickening squelch.]
Alice: [Lops off one of the tentacles] What will we do?
Austin: [Tries to spray the octopus in the mouth with breath freshner] Help!
[The MONSTER grabs the can from AUSTIN and shoves the whole thing in its mouth, as each of ALICE and CLINT are enveloped in tentacles.]
Crawelthor: This is annoying. [Steps up to the monster and pulls its jaws apart with such ferocity that he rips the entire thing in half, with horrifying tearing sound which is only marginally worse than the gruesome scream from the monster. Immediately, everyone is free, as bits of monster fly high into the air.]
Dur: [Gasping for air on the ground] My hero!
Alice: [Modestly] Well, I mean, hero is a bit strong, but I do my best! [Smiles a dazzling smile]

Crawelthor: [Growls] He was talking to me! [Glares scarily at Dur] Right?
Dur: [Guffaws] Of course I did. Who did you think I meant? Alice? No offense dear.
Alice: Hey! I'm totally heroic!
[Bonk. The air freshener can from the monster hits her on the head.]
Alice: [Diving for cover] Aieeee! We're all gonna die!

Crawelthor: [To Dur] Thanks. Just for that... I'll kill you last! [Gives what appears to be an approximation of a smile, but is really more of a stomach churning leer]
Dur: [Swallows nervously] That is very.... comforting. Shall we be on our way now?
That is 3!
Austin: Good idea. Before you offend anyone else.
Alice: Yeah, Dur, he wasn't going to kill us at all until you said that mean thing about his mother!

Crawelthor: Actually, I wa -- hey! What did he say about my mother?
Clint: Just that she must have all sorts of stories to tell about life with baby Crawelthor. Maybe a few embarrassing keepsakes. That sort of thing.
Charlie: [Excited, whipping out her notebook. To Crawelthor] Oh, do tell me all about your mother! Were you oviparous, viviparous, or ovoviviparous?!
Crawelthor: None. I was furunculous.
Charlie: [Excitedly writing notes, recoils slightly and tucks her notepad away] Oh! How . . . nice. Well, we really should try to find Dr. Finley! [To the party] This time I shall lead the way, as it only proper! [Heads for the door]
Austin: [Winces and suddenly finds something else to look at upon hearing furunculous] After you Sarge,
Alice: [Following Charlie] Yeah, hopefully the Finleys will be able to figure out what do with him.
[The party follow CHARLIE out onto the street, thankfully arriving out into bright daylight. Off to one side they can see a half demolished building with what appears to be their original carriage sticking out of it.]
Charlie: [Looks at the building, alarmed] Isn't that our carriage? [Heads to investigate the demolished building and carriage]
Alice: Yes, but remember we were in it when it crashed -- Fletch was driving. [Shrugs] This is what you get when an amateur drives, I suppose.
Calvin: Y=92know what? I think it probably is. Did you forget something in = it?
hing in it? Alice: My laundry was in there!
Austin: Is anyone feeling brave?
Alice: Hey! It's not that! It's not like it's Clint's laundry, you know!
Clint: Please. Like I do laundry!
Dur: Right! Clint and I are the reason we have our monthly bonfire, to burn our most soiled clothing!
Alice: That explains why you're naked so much of the time -- put on some pants, for god's sake!
Clint: Please, Alice.  Of course the Doc is normally wearing pants. If he weren't, he'd have to store his sandwiches in his underoos, and not even Dur would do that!
Unless I'm being caught up in the pants/trousers debacle again! =)
Alice: Wouldn't he? [Gives Dur a disgusted look] Wouldn't he?
Austin: There is ample a prior evidence, so we know he would. He has often stored food in his underwear and then consumed it.
Alice: Sad but true. [Looks over the wreckage of the carriage] Okay, so that's where we need to go, but it could be very risky and dangerous.

Nicque: [To Austin] I'd pay to see that underwear. Which one is Dur?
Calvin: I imagine it's particularly messy... maybe not the best thing to be= looking at.
be looking at. Charlie: [Grimly] Indeed, no one has peered into that abyss and lived to tell the tale!
Austin: His last wife is ample evidence of that!
Alice: [Looks around at the others] Oh my god, you people disgust me.

Nicque: [To Alice] Are you Dur?

Alice: I'll lead a charge across dangerous territories if it'll stop this conversation! On three. One... two... [runs off into the street] Hah! Tricked you! Now I'm the only one in the middle of the dangerous territory, losers! [Thinks for a moment] Hey!
Calvin: [To Alice] That doesn't sound like the wisest course of action!
Alice: [Stops in the middle of the street] What?
Dur: If you were looking for a bunch of careful heroes, my friend, you joined the wrong team! [Runs after Alice] Yipeeeeeeeee!
Alice: Let's go! [Races with Dur to the other side]
Charlie: [To the party] Come along, group! We must investigate! [Heads for the carriage]
Austin: [Heads over to the carriage] It looks pretty wrecked to me.
Aus will search the carriage if he can
Alice: Of course it's wrecked, we wrecked it when we crashed it!
[The carriage is as the party left it, with a suspicious amount of laundry in it.]
Alice: Remember, the Finleys are just upstairs with Percy and Fletch.
Clint: Well, we have tons of volunteers for our study, so... oh my god, look at the state of those underpants!  [Regards a ghastly pair of knickers with distaste.]
Alice: Ew! They're grotesque! [Looks closely at them] Hey! It's laundry day!
[PERCY appears from above the wreckage.]
Percy: Thank god you're back -- we better go!
Charlie: [Relieved] Hello, dear! You haven't located a functioning carriage, by any chance?
Percy: Yes! And we need to get into it right away!
Charlie: [Alarmed] Quite right! Hurry, group! [Races toward Percy]
Alice: What's the panic?

Percy: Will has found us!

Nicque: Oh no! Quickly! [Runs towards Charlie and Percy]
Charlie: [Hopefully] Perhaps she just wishes to speak to us! [To the party, defensively] She has never once killed us, after all!
[The building rocks with a massive explosion.]
Nicque: Not yet!
Austin: Perhaps she would respond to a request to discuss her wedding plans?
Nicque: Don't be crazy, Austin, when Wilhelmina comes calling, she only has one thing one mind. [Dramatically] Dooooooooooooooooooooooom.
Charlie: [Haughtily] What makes you think you know Wilhelmina so well?! I am her mother, and I can attest that she is a well-rounded woman with many varied interests!
Nicque: I'm sure that's true, but she did kill most of my friends in a gruesome way, so it feels like I kind of know her. [Picks up some laundry] Niiiiice!
Austin: Let's go and find Findley. [Watches Nicque] Before things get out of hand.
Calvin: I think we may have missed the boat on that one old chap
Percy: No, they're both upstairs.

Nicque: Thank god, we're sitting ducks here. Come on, quickly, before Crawelthor catches up!
Austin: [Takes a deep breath, steeling himself] I do hope they are wearing trousers! [Heads up the stairs]
Nicque: Oh, those Finleys! [To the party] Come on guys, before those awful demons catch us!
[Exit ALL upstairs.]
End of scene, next one coming up later today!
Alice: [Looking form one Finley to the other] Which is which? Finley1: I'm Finley.

Finley2: I'm Finley.

Alice: Good, I'm glad we sorted that out.

Nicque: Hadn't we better get moving?
Calvin: Yes, please, lets...
[The entire lab shakes, sending equipment and notes crashing to the ground, setting a small fire.]
Finley1: Oh no! We'll never get to complete our experiments!
Charlie: [To Finleys, excited] We brought some demons back for you! How long does the process take?!
Finley2: There's no time -- and our equipment is ruined!

Nicque: Where's the escape carriage?
Charlie: [Wails] No experiments?! [To Percy] Did you say you had a carriage for us?
Percy: Yes! And let's get out of here. It's down on the other side of the building. [Points to a door that Nicque races out through]

Finley1: [Squeezing Charlie's shoulder reassuringly] There there... er, Pukwudgie, we'll build another lab.
[There's a honking of a carriage horn from outside (in the direction NICQUE went).]
Austin: Sounds like our cab is here. Where are we going to? [Heads to the carriage. Lights a cigarette] We should go somewhere nive for a change.

Finley1: This is Nostalgia, there no nice places here!
[The door the party came through smashes open, revealing CRAWLETHOR.]
Finley2: Good god! Why did you bring him?
CRAWLETHOR.] Charlie: For YOUR experiment, of course! [To the party, in a low voice] Though I never dreamed you would be so ungrateful for our efforts!
Finley2: Your efforts! My instructions were quite clear -- weak, stupid demons, between four and five feet tall, preferably wearing brown cardigans, not some ten foot killing machine borne out of an unsightly boil on the back of my neck who has, for some reason, become preoccupied with killing me! Do you have any idea what it feels like to give life to another creature only for them to try and kill you?
Charlie: [Indignantly] Try giving birth to a demon, tirelessly raising her to become a well-respected, productive member of the science community, only to see her academic career waylaid by an ineffectual spoon-wielding simpleton!
Alice: Yeesh, Charlie, maybe you should have tried that with Will, maybe then she would be so angry all the time!
Austin: [To Finley] So you can't help him then?
Finley1: Help him? If there were such a thing as miracles then it would take one of them to prevent Crawelthor from killing Finley! Quickly, down the stairs! [Races down the stairs]
[Everyone follows, pursued by CRAWELTHOR.]
Alice: Maybe Wilhelmina will destroy the building before he catches us!
[They burst out the door to see a large carriage, the size of a bus, that will accommodate everyone. Sitting in the driver's seat is NICQUE.]
Nicque: Come on! Come ON!
Clint: You don't actually have to tell us twice!  [Herds the party inside and tries to throw Crawelthor under the bus.]
it's him or Finley!
[Fortunately, CRAWELTHOR is too far away to engage and, as CLINT leaps onto the bus, it roars off, just as a huge hole is blown in the wall of the building by a massive fireball.]
Alice: It's Wilhelmina! And she's got a dragon! And he looks angry!
Austin: [Sighs] Well, he's probably just acting. You know how melodramatic they are! [Offers Alice a cigarette]
Alice: [Takes the cigarette but doesn't drag on it] True, but that fire certainly seemed real. I wonder, is the carriage fireproof?

Finley1: [Pointing to the flames coming out of the seat from Alice's cigarette] Clearly not, Pukwudgie! How many times do I have to tell you that smoking is dangerous?

Alice: In my defence, Austin is the one who gave it to me!
Austin: [Indignant] And in my defense, I did not light it!
Charlie: To be fair, if we continue to dawdle, the dragon will light it for her! [To the party urgently] Run!
Calvin: [Beginning to run] Why is it everything I do with you lot always en= ds with us running away?
Alice: [Putting out the mysterious cigarette fire] Wouldn't it be worse if it ended up with us dying?
[With everyone on board the carriage, NICQUE takes evasive action as WILL'S DRAGON breathes more fire down on them.]
Nicque: We can't outrun him!
Charlie: [To Nicque] Perhaps we should take refuge in the [swallows hard and uses finger quotes] water back at the beach? At least we could keep from being burned!
Percy: Normally that would be a good, if somewhat disgusting suggestion, but this particular urine is unusually flammable.
[Everyone glares at FINLEY1.]
Finley1: It wasn't me! It was Finley!
Austin: what a relief! Being burned alive is much more appealing than being burned alive whilst drowning in flammable urine!
[Everyone glares at FINLEY2.]
Finley2: Now is not the time for apportioning blame!
[The carriage skids as NICQUE swerves to avoid another burst of flame which takes out half a city block. The skid sends everyone crashing to the floor.]
Alice: We can't stay out in the open!
Dur: I'm sure we are open to suggestions!
Dur: I'm sure we are open to suggestions!

Alice: How about parking in an anti-dragon garage?
Austin: Does anyone know where the nearest dragon proof garage is? [Thinks] At a guess there will be one next to the dragon soft play area?
[Thinks] At a guess there will be one next to the dragon soft play area? Charlie: [Calls out] Wilhelmina! Stop this at once! Tell us what you want, and we can discuss it rationally!
Austin: She want's us dead I think. Rationally or otherwise. Perhaps the question is why she wants us dead? [Proudly] I for one, am very very kind, nice and charming.
Alice: Yes Austin. You are so very kind. Also, modest.
[WILHELMINA doesn't respond, but another massive breath from the dragon takes out a huge chunk of street, setting fire to one side of the carriage.]
Nicque: [Struggling madly to keep the carriage on the road] Well, I think you are a delight, Austin! You'd only be like, fifth or sixth choice of party member to kill.
Austin: [To Alice] Yes, I excell in modesty. It's genetic, you know. [To Nicque] Wait, what?
Nicque: [Swerving madly, making it even more difficult for the party to put out the fire] I said I think you're a delight!
Austin: Focus on your driving! [Chivalrously] You can admire me later!
Calvin: Austin=92s right, focus on driving now, admire later... you do real= ise we=92re being chased by a DRAGON don=92t you?!?
do realise we=E2=80=99re being chased by Alice: Yes! But where else can we go?
Charlie: Perhaps we can try to find Crawelthor?! He seems quite interested in violence!
Alice: [Points out the back of the carriage] There he is -- I think he's trying to catch us!

Crawelthor: [Somehow able to keep up with speeding carriage] I will kill you all!
Charlie: [To Crawelthor] If you must, as long as you spare our beloved pet dragon!
Dur: But I thought the dargon was Wil…. OH! I see what you did there!
ere! Crawelthor: I don't care about the dragon.
[Another massive fireball explodes near the carriage, rocking it and almost tipping it over.]
Alice: Surely there's somewhere we can hide? Like a cave or tunnel or somet= hing?
Dur: If only we had someone who knew the local geography!
Clint: Sarge, if you can't use Crawelthor to kill your well-behaved, charming, and in no way messed-up daughter's dragon, perhaps you can get Wil to kill Crawelthor? Maybe by pointing out that if he kills us, she won't have that pleasure?
Alice: Calvin! Don't you know the local geography??
Charlie: [To Calvin, with a gasp] That's right, you do! Is there a cave or tunnel nearby?!
Dan's afk?
Calvin: Sure, if you want to do yet more running and hiding.

Alice: Yes! Yes we do!

Calvin: [To Nicque] There's an entrance to the subway just up ahead. Turn right.
[NICQUE turns a hard right and plunges the carriage down a narrow stairs.]
Austin: [Worried] I thought that dragons lived in tunnels and cave?
Calvin: No! Not at all. The whole point of these caves is to AVOID the drag= ons. When my sister's wife, the succubus, told me about them after trying g= o steal my soul she assured me there were no Dragons in these caves. [He pa= uses] I can't say the same for liches, zombies, demons, mind flayer, oozes,= bandits, goblins, hobgoblins, drow, driders, spiders, bats, kobolds, wyrms= , worms, snakes, naga or mimics.
Austin : Little wonder that there are no dragons down here.
[The carriage skids to a halt safely inside the tunnel, with the dragon clearly not able to fit in.]
Nicque: [Looking worried] Spiders? Oh man, that's disgusting!
Calvin : Well it's a cave! What did you expect? Sunshine, rainbows and gumd= rops?
gumdrops? Charlie: [To Calvin] It's a perfectly serviceable cave! [Calls out to Will] Wilhelmina! Could we please talk?!
[There's no response, but CRAWELTHOR appears at the cave entrance, he is engulfed in flames but is walking just fine.]
Alice: Oh man, not only is he angry he's now on fire!
Clint: If only we had access to a pissed-off higher being of our own!
Alice: Why? So she could kill us first? That would really show him!
[CRAWELTHOR approaches at a steady rate.]
Finley1: [To the party] Do something! Kill him!
Austin: [To Alice] DO you have any super high strength acne remover?
Charlie: [Draws her sword. To Crawelthor] I am starting to think you were never interested in participating in our experiment, after all! [Attacks Crawelthor]
Crawelthor] Crawelthor: I am interested in experimenting, experimenting with kill all of you!

Alice: [Shooting at him with her bow] Is that really experimenting? Isn=E2= =80=99t it just killing?

Crawelthor: [Easily knocking Charlie to the ground] Sure, but this makes me sound cooler.
of you! =E2=80=99t it just killing? me sound cooler. Charlie: [Scrambling to get back on her feet. To Crawlethor] Do you think that this desire to be perceived as cool by complete strangers comes from your rather grotesque relationship with your mother?
Crawelthor: Almost certainly. My mother is a scientist. [Grabs the back door of the carriage and rips it open]
[The others push back to the far end, so that ALICE, CLINT, CALVIN and FLETCH are in the front row wielding swords, with PERCY, AUSTIN and PANSE in the next row, then the FINLEYs and finally, behind them is NICQUE.]
Nicque: We're all gonna die! Do something!
Austin: [Terrified, tries to throw the contents of a bottle of "La Rocher-Poser folicle fury" facial scrub on Crawelthor] Here goes something!
[The bottle splashes over CRAWELTHOR having no impact other than to make his skin slightly less disgusting. He catches sight of his reflection in a window and gives an approving nod.]
Alice: Oh god, now he's angry, on fire and vain! Nice going, Aus! Finley2: [Steps out from behind the others] Okay, okay! You can have me, just let the others go.

Crawelthor: [Smiles] Hello, Mother.
Charlie: [To Finley2, indignantly] Why didn't you tell me you had a child? We could have arranged playdates and conducted experiments together!
Percy: Yes, it would have been tremendous fun. Man, it sucks to be the youngest!

Finley2: This abomination is not a child, it is the result of a grotesquely ill advised experiment that should never have been conducted.

Crawelthor: I'm going to kill you! [Leaps through the air at Finley2]
Clint: [Tries to bat Crawelthor out of the air.] Can't you guys murder each other at a more opportune moment, like civilized people?
Kevin is out today
Dur: They're not really murdering each other, it's more that Crawelthor is trying to massacre us! This is awful! I can barely even eat my sandwich! [Takes out some pantswich and miserably takes a bite]
[CLINT and CRAWELTHOR collide, with FLETCH leaping in too, knocking CRAWELTHOR to the ground.]
Fletch: [Leaps up, but realises that there is a dagger from Crawelthor stuck all the way into his chest] Uh... totes hilt!
is trying to massacre us! This is awful! I can barely even eat my sandwich! [Takes out some pantswich and miserably takes a bite] knocking CRAWELTHOR to the ground.] stuck all the way into his chest] Uh... totes hilt! Charlie: [Charges at Crawelthor again] You wretched creature! That absurd man is our [searches for the word] dim-witted but cheerful servant!
Finley2: Fletch! Noooo! [Jumps at Crawelthor]
[As soon as FINLEY and CRAWELTHOR touch there is a deafening boom and the party is knocked to the ground, blinded by an overpowering green light, which slowly fades away, leaving everyone on the ground groggy.]
and the party is knocked to the ground, blinded by an overpowering green light, which slowly fades away, leaving everyone on the ground groggy.] Charlie: [Dragging herself to her feet and looking around urgently] Finley?! Is everyone all right??
Calvin: I'm just peachy aside from the grogginess and the pain...
Austin: [Dazed] Of course I am right, I am always right!
Alice: Where's Crawelthor?

Finley1: Finley! Where are you?
[FINLEY appears to be lying face down on the ground.]
Charlie: [Races to Finley. To Calvin] Hurry, help him! I think he is injured!
Dur: No! [Steps in front of Calvin] We need a proper doctor. [To Alice] Fetch me my poking stick.

Alice: Ew! No!
[DUR turns FINLEY over to reveal that he looks very different. He now appears to be 30 years younger, and leaps to his feet and smiles. From here on he will be known as ALITHOR.]
Alithor: [Smiles a dazzling smile] I'm far from injured, Charlie.


Clint: [Clambers to his feet] I've got a baaad feeling about this...
Alithor: No need to worry, Clint, everything is just fine.

Alice: Uh... where are Crawlthor and Finley? You know, the other Finley!
Austin: Well, at least he has not lost his pants.
Alithor: I think you'll find I have quite the best fitting pants in this tunnel.
[ALITHOR does a quick sashay up to the front of the carriage showing that this is almost certainly true, holding his position before turning back around again.]
Alithor: See? [Gives dazzling smile, but suddenly jumps in surprise] Ow!

Nicque: [Still in the driving seat and pulling back from having pinched Alithor] Sorry! I couldn't help myself.
Charlie: [Looking at Alithor, concerned] What have you done, Alist--Alithor?!
Alithor: I stopped Crawelthor from killing all of you!
Austin: Yes, thank you for that. [Distracted] Who is your tailor?
Alithor: [Frowns] Hm, I don't know, Austin.

Finley: [Steps in front of Alithor] Is it you, old friend? Are you in there, Finley?

Alithor: Finley is in here, but he's now part of me.
Clint: And the murderous rage?
Alithor: Completely suppressed and compartmentalised, never to be thought of again until one day in the far future when some seemingly unrelated trivial incident leads to tantrum of epic proportions possibly culminating in the end of the world.
No posting today! Back to normal tomorrow!
Charlie: [Uneasily] How very reassuring! And what, precisely, are your long-term plans, if I might ask?
Alithor: As someone who was only born a few minutes ago, I haven't had much opportunity to work on them, but I do have some short term plans that I would seek to execute immediately.
Austin: Oh, interesting. What are your short term plans?
Alithor: To alert all of you to the ingress of minor demons into this tunnel. There is more than a slight chance that they could kill us all.
Austin: Well, I think that we should probably get moving then. Being dead is rther unplesant.
dead is rther unplesant. Charlie: Yes, but are they worse than a dragon? I think perhaps our chances are better with the demons!
Austin: It's a numbers game, Sarge, and they have the numbers.
Alice: [Pointing to the tunnel entrance] And lots of them! [To the party] A strategic retreat further in?
Calvin: Is all we ever do is to make a strategic retreat?
Austin: [Casually checking his nails] It's called disinformation, if we refer to it as a retreat, them enemy wont realise that we are advancing. Every truth must be guarded by a million lies.
Alice: And elephants! [Big wink to Austin, whispering] That's one of the lies! [Normal voice] Anyway, you could always engage the demons, Cal, while we disinformate!
Charlie: [Claps her hands briskly] Good, now that we have settled upon a strategy, deeper into the tunnel it is, group! [Leads the way]
Dur: And what’s the plan once we get there?
Alice: Given how fast they are coming, we should keep going forever!
Dur: But that’s impossible! When would we stop for pantswiches!?
Alice: [Dramatically] We never stop for pantswiches!
here surviving only on demon meat.[Lost in thought]
here surviving only on demon meat.[Lost in thought] Charlie: [Encouragingly] That likely will not happen, as most demon meats are indigestible by humans!
Dur suspiciously]
Dur: Don’t look at me, I’m not sharing! [Stuffs a pantswich in his mouth, making his labored breathing even harder]
Austin: After a year in Mistoheusto I can assure you that there are several species that we can digest. Let's hope it does not come to that!
Dur: Don=E2=80=99t look at me, I=E2=80=99m not sharing! [Stuffs a pantswich= in his mouth,

Alice: Ew! I don't want your stinky pantswich! I just wonder if you could be hosed down and baked!

Alitihor: We should stop them. The rest of us can escape though the tunnels.. I believe Calvin has enough local knowledge to lead you though.
Clint: Well then, good luck. Newbie, don't get us lost!
Alice: [Watching a bunch of demons slithering towards the party] But how will we stop them?

Alithor: Perhaps someone brave and handsome should step forward and engage them? Perhaps bringing that part of the tunnel crashing down onto them?
Austin: I would do, but they don't look like they are here for a chat!
Charlie: [To Alithor, in a stilted, pitifully lame attempt at a flirtatious voice] But YOU are ever so strong and handsome! [Awkwardly winking] Perhaps you could save us with an attractive show of force?
Clint: He's also a newborn! [Whips out a weapon and leads the advance] C'mon, guys, who's with me?
Alithor: [Holds Clint back] I might be a newborn, but you're just children. Take the others and go, Clint. I'll see to this.
Charlie: [Haughty emphasis] I shall take the others and go, and Mr. Scar will follow obediently! [Marches down the tunnel] Follow me, group!
Nicque: [Lights a torch] Come on, group, she's knows what she's doing!
[ALITHOR grabs a sword and charges towards the demons, before giving an almighty swipe at the side of the tunnel, causing the roof to collapse on both him and the demons.]
Finley: Alithor!
End of scene, next one coming right up!
[Book X, Act XII, Scene IX. The Tunnels. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CALVIN, CLINT, DUR, PERCY, FINLEY, and NICQUE are here heading into the tunnels.]
Alice: Well, Calvin, this is your time to shine. How do we get out of here? [To the others] Did Alithor call us children? What's that about?
Charlie: [Alarmed] Surely he did not mean HIS children? [To Finley] We are not all simply the product of some experiment gone wrong, are we?!
are not all simply the product of some experiment gone wrong, are we?! Austin: You might well be, it would explain a lot. I however, am most certainly far too beautiful to be the offspring of a semi-demon.
Finley: I'm sure we're not ALL the product of some insane experiments. [Peers at Austin] Did you ever consider the possibility that the exquisite nature of your forearm is in some way related a to demon birth?
Dur: Well if he didn't, he probably is now!
Austin: [To Finley] Surely you mean angel birth? [Checks Maplin carefully]
Finley: Certainly not!
Austin: We then you are surely mistaken. Why would you think such a thing? [Protectivley massages some fancy looking oil on to Maplin]
Charlie: [To Austin] Oh, do not be such a demon-phobe! I think we can all agree that, despite her other challenges, Wilhelmina is a lovely girl! And, of course, Pestilence is the same handsome man he has always been, whether demon or angel!
Finley: You foolish boy. Everyone knows that angels have a tendency to produce grotesque offspring!
[Everyone turns and looks at PERCY.]
Percy: Maybe I'm grotesque on the inside! And yes, Dad was always adorable!

Alice: Especially when he wasn't killing us.
adorable! Charlie: [To Alice, scolding] Now do WE bring up your past mistakes, such as the many, many times you say something provably incorrect?!
Alice: Oh please, I have never said anything incorrect in my entire life!
Clint: Besides, bringing up past mistakes is our primary topic of conversation!
life! Charlie: [To Clint, loftily] I personally have more important things to discuss! [To Alice] And need I remind you of your crippling inability to calculate the required number of underpants you will need between laundry days?!
Alice: Oh come on! Once ever, in the history of the world did I ever get caught short!
Charlie: [Reaches into her knapsack and pulls out a sickly grey notebook entitled Alice's "Laundry Days" and begins reading] November 9, Alice claims she is wearing grey, baggy, overstretched, moth-eaten underpants because it is laundry day. The claim is repeated on February 24, March 20, [pauses] shall I go on?!
Alice: Oh god, if I had a GP for ever sad stalker who kept a diary of my underpants!
Charlie: [Snaps her notebook shut defiantly] Accurate record-keeping is NOT stalking!
Alice: Tell it to the judge, Perp. I'll have my lawyer sort you out! Austin, take out a conjunction immediately -- I know my rights and how Law and Stuff works. Guilty! Innocent! Objection! [Smugly to Charlie] See?
Austin: This is most certainly a stalking case of horrifically large grey and tattered proportions.
Alice: See! [Sticks her tongue out at Charlie]

Nicque: [Claps his hands together to get everyone's attention] Hey! Come on, group, focus! Who here knows the tunnels?
Charlie: [Huffily ignores Alice and returns the notebook to her bag. To Calvin] Lead the way!
Calvin : [Shaking himself out of a distracting thought.] I know them fairly= well, where is it we're trying to get to again? I wasn't paying attention = I was thinking about something else .
Nicque: Oh my god! Sometimes I think you want to get eaten by demons, Cal! We just need to get the hell out of these tunnels before someone decides to collapse the whole system on us! Just get us out of here, anywhere! [Thinks] Although if it could be near a nice pastry shop, that would be neat. I think we could all do with a tasty creamy cake after all this drama.
Calvin: [Leading the group through some rather windy passages, down several= turns and several forks, before coming to a three way split and stopping.]= Ah... I have no memory of this place... but I think... [he goes around and= takes a very deep sniff of each of the corridors] yes!! The air smells les= s foul down here, and I think I can smell a pasty shop! [He leads them down= the passageway, past a cornish pasty shop built into the tunnel] anyone wa= nt something? [He orders himself a pasty before continuing on]
[The party peer into the rather inexplicably located shop to see the owner, MORDON GAMSEY, glaring out.]
Mordon: What the hell do you people want?


Charlie: [To Mordon, chant-style] We-want-to-be addressed-in-a-more-civil-manner! [To the group] When do we want it . . . ?!
[Everyone joins in, but with a slightly different variant of the chant, each at different rates, so that the whole thing just sounds like a jumbled mess.]
Nicque: We'd like some delicious cakes, please. Mordon: [Angrily slams a bunch of the most gorgeous looking cakes anyone has seen in a long time on the counter] There. That'll be two GP.
Dom is afk

Austin: I don't purchase food from establishments without proper wait staff.
Dur: Yeah! And I don't eat food not served from the proper dumpster!
Mordon: [As Alice grabs one and bites into it] Where do you think I found them?
Dur: Oh! Well in that case! [Digs in]
Alice: [Spits it out] Ew! This tastes like crap!

Mardon: Of course it does, that's what it is stuffed with!

Alice: Ew! What the hell is wrong with you?

Mardon: I'm a demon pastry chef, this is what I do.
Charlie: To clarify, are you a demon employed as a pastry chef or a pastry chef who cooks for demons?
Mordon: I'm a demon who's employed as a pastry chef who cooks for demons and humans with, shall we say... Fuchsia?

All: [Somewhat confused] Fuchsia?
Austin: What in the Realms is that?
Clint: An ornamental plant of some sort, I think.
Mordon: It's a beautiful little flower.

Alice: Why did you want us to say Fuchsia?

Mordon: I like when people say Fuchsia. It turns me on. [Gives a weirdly satisfied look]
Austin: Fuchsia, Fuchsia, Fuchsia.
Charlie: [Looks at Mordon, wrinkling her nose] Well, that is something for you to discuss with a licensed therapist! We simply want to move past you and go deeper into this tunnel.
Mordon: Ooooooh yes! [Staggers slightly] Have a pasty. You can have one of the good ones!
Austin: [Hands the pasty to Dur] Fuchsia, fuchsia, fuchsia. [Heads on down the tunnel] shall we get going?
Dur: [Munches happily on the proffered pastry] Man, I don’t know what he put in these things, but they are DELICIOUS!
what he put in these things, Alice: [Looking from the super creamy pastry to the super excited Mordon] Come. [Waves] Come, Dur, we need to get going!
Charlie: [Grabs Dur's arm and drags him down the tunnel, shuddering] Hurry, group! Before we lose him forever!
Clint: Well, we have an actually trained doctor now, so do we really need him?
poor Dur!  I was hoping someone else would say it so I didn't have
to, but apparently it's up to me.
sorry for the late notice, but we will pause
until Tuesday next week. Tangier here
we come!
On Fri, May 24, 2019 at 21:05 Tom Henderson

;; poor Dur! I was hoping someone else would say it so I didn't have
Alice: [Disgusted] Clint, how dare you! Without Dur, who's going to carry our stuff? Have you completely taken leave of your senses?

Percy: [Grabbing Dur by the ear and twisting it] Come on! We don't have time for this! [Points down the tunnel that Calvin is heading] Look, he seems to know where he's going!
Charlie: [To Percy, scolding] Dear, if you mustn't manhandle the servants. Remember what happened to the Birtwistle-Montjoys?! [In a low voice] To this day, none of them dare accept cream-based drinks from the help!
Percy: But the cream-based drinks at the Birtwistle-Montjoy dinners are famous! [To the party] They're extra creamy! [To Charlie] It's worth the risk, otherwise we'll never see him again!
Dur: [Through a mouth full of pastries] See who again?
Alice: Some idiot who should never make cream-based drink.
Austin: Good question. What or whom are you talking about, and can we get moving!
get moving! Charlie: We can clarify later! [Boldly] Down the tunnel, group! Hurry!
Clint: I'm hurrying already. Don't rush me! [Heads on down after Calvin.]
[CALVIN leads the party through an apparently random series of tunnels before they enter what can only be a sewer system.]
Alice: Oh my god! This place smells almost as bad as Clint!
Austin: [smelling the stink] Really. Is this the best you can do? Why cant you organize and escape in a luxury carriage, or an exotic glass boat. Why is it always a tunnel full of excrement?
Clint: Because we only run in shitty situations?
Charlie: [To Clint, disapprovingly] Do remember there is a child present! [Nods at Percy pointedly]
Percy: That's right, my impressionable young mind is like a sponge, particularly in shitty situations.

Alice: Oh man! I lost my shoe!
Charlie: [To Alice, encouragingly] If it makes you feel better, we all thought they were hideous! [Heads deeper into the tunnel] Come along, group!
Alice: Hey! [Sulkily] At least it wasn't one of the shoes I was wearing!
[The party squelch through the disgusting sewers.]
Alice: Is there an end to this? Should we try to get out of there?
Dur: [Considers Alice's word carefully] Perhaps... but first we have to get out of HERE.
Alice: [Stares at Dur for a moment] By admitting their there is here, they're giving it power over them. [Sticks her tongue out at him]
Austin: Whilst this is a most scintillating of conversations, can it wait until later? [Keeps going]
sorry busy day - out tomorrow, back Friday arvo
wait until later? [Keeps going] Charlie: [Urgently] Indeed, we must hurry, but I suggest we change the subject later. Something a bit more stimulating, such as the latest draft of my most recent journal article! [To the party, scolding] I am STILL waiting for your notes, by the way!
Alice: For the love of god! Let's find a cover and get out of here!
Clint: Newbie!  You got us into this, surely you can get us back out?
Alice: He's as lost as Dur!
Dom is out today
Austin: Quickly! Get us out of this filth before I am forced to confront what we are standing in!
Charlie: [Plodding forward] Can anyone see any signs of life or light?
Alice: Look! A manhole cover! That will--
[AUSTIN leaps passed ALICE and onto the ladder so his feet are out of the sewage.]
Austin: Well? Why doesn't one of you squeeze past me and open the cover?
Charlie: [Eyes the ladder skeptically] Perhaps you could climb up and open it yourself?! And quickly!
Dur: [Chanting encouragingly] Open it! Open it! I don’t remember exactly what we’re doing but it certainly is thrilling!
exactly what we=E2=80=99re doing but it certainly is thrilling! Austin: [To Charlie] Don't be so preposterous, I am far too valuable a party member to risk in such a way. This is more an undertaking for a Calvin, a Clint or a Dur. [Thinks] Or, if bulk is needed to lift the cover, an Alice or a Charlie.
Charlie: [Tries to climb past Austin] Very well, but you will almost certainly need to retreat to the muck if I am to get past!
Austin: You underestimate how my sylph-like physique enables me to insert myself into all but the smallest of holes. [Smirks as Charlie passes, only to take on a look of rage as some sewage drips from her foot and onto his shirt] Hooligan! This grotesque offence will not go unpunished!
Charlie: [To Austin, hissing] Shhh, do be quiet! We have no idea what we will find on the other side! [Carefully pushes upward on the manhole cover]
[The cover lifts up with quite a lot of effort on CHARLIE's part. It isn't yet clear yet what is above but there is plenty of light. A man's voice calls out in victory.]
Man: I can fly! I knew it!
Clint: Oh, it's just some guy on drugs. [Pushes his way up the ladder]
Odd message from the office today - due to an active gas leak the
street right
outside my building is closed until further notice. Not
concerning at all!
Austin: [As Clint barges through, stepping on his foot] Argh! Help! I'm being attacked!
[CLINT helps CHARLIE push the manhole cover and it suddenly flies up, followed by an almighty crash. The voice speaks again.]
Voice: Alack... I flew too close to the sun!
Clint: Maybe you should try burrowing beneath the earth! [Exits the passage of horrors.]
being attacked! up, followed by an almighty crash. The voice speaks again.] passage of horrors.] Charlie: [Follows Clint out of the manhole] Follow me, group! And be warned! There may be one or more delusional fools falling from the sky!
[Everyone except CALVIN climbs up through the manhole.]
Calvin: I've had enough of you losers, I'm going to stay in these tunnels and create a new civilisation, one where I don't have spend my life running away from danger!
[CALVIN slams the cover shut and climbs down the ladder, jumping in shock as he spies MORDON waiting at the bottom with a large sack and a big knife.]
Calvin: What the hell do you want? Mordon: [Smiles creepily] You're my fuchsia now!
End of scene -- Dan has dropped out, so
make sure he's not on the list anymore!
[Book X, Act XII, Scene X. A House. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, PERCY, FINLEY and NICQUE have just climbed up through a manhole and arrived into the middle of a sitting room that looks like it was designed by a committee of little old ladies, such is the preponderance of doilies and adorable china kittens. Sprawled on the floor is a man in a chicken suit, STICARUS. He leaps to his feet.]
Sticarus: What the hell are you doing in my house? Alice: [Puzzled] You have a direct entrance to the sewer in your sitting room?

Sticarus: [Looks Alice up and down] Yes... well played... well played indeed. [To the party] I suppose you're here for the birds?


room? Charlie: [To Sticarus, cagily] Perhaps! What birds are on offer and what skills do they possess?
Sticarus: Mainly pigeons. Their key skills appear to be flying and crapping.

Alice: Where are they?

Sticarus: [Points to his stomach] In here!
Dur: [Blowing a raspberry at the closed manhole] Who's the party's doctor now, huh!?
What's funny is, even though we have an occasional newbie hop in and out of the group, I'm still the newest player of the group XD
Alice: The guy who's just eaten a bunch of birds?

Sticarus: [Defensively] I didn't eat them, they're still alive! How else did you think I was going to fly?
;; What's funny is, even though we have an occasional
God damned blow in!
And yes, you better check what that means
in Ireland!
Dur: Well, it certainly doesn't seem to be working, does it? You didn't happen to swallow a stomach full of flightless birds did you? Because then it would be working perfectly.
; God damned blow in!
; And yes, you better check what that means
; in Ireland!
I did! And he was!
Clint: Maybe they're just exercising their crapping skills instead of their flying ones? Have you govern them a stern motivational lecture?
Austin: Do you have a bathroom that I could use, it was disgusting down there.
Just a note: I'll be on holiday visiting the family next week. Be
nice to poor old stinky Clint while I'm gone -- it'll be a nice change for him! =)
Sticarus: That is my bathroom!
No posting today, back to normal
Charlie: Well, have you a birdbath we would use?
Sticarus: Yes, but first you each need to comment on my genius. [Strikes a pose]
a pose] Charlie: [Looking at Sticarus, perplexed] How can I assess your intelligence quotient by merely looking at you?! You will need to complete a series of tests to determine whether or not you can be considered a genius!
Austin: The first test will probably suffice.
Sticarus: Try me! Ask me anything!
Charlie: [Flips open an enormous book entitled Assessing Your Child's Academic Readiness, Volume I] Very well! Four years ago, Jane was twice as old as Sam. Four years on from now, Sam will be 3/4 of Jane's age. How old is Jane now?
Sticarus: What? Uh... what kind of birds are Jane and Sam?
Charlie: [Nods and jots down notes] I see, let me calculate the result. . . . [Reading from the book] Your child is an imbecile who will likely remain in your basement, unemployed and unable to perform simple household tasks, until the day you die.
Alice: Oh please. They always say that! I've lost track of the number of times I got that result and look at me now!
Dur: [Frowning at Alice] Perhaps it's best to avoid that line of thought...
Austin: [Sighs] I think he is avoiding all lines of throught.
Clint: How many birds did you eat?

Sticarus: I didn't eat any. I swallowed them whole -- and it was about 100.
100. Charlie: And WHY did you swallow them? Assuming there is a reason beyond the obvious one provided by your recent and revealing test result!
Sticarus: To help me fly!

Alice: You're telling us that there are a hundred whole birds in your stomach? That you didn't chew any of them.

Sticarus: Yep. Do you think I should have gotten two hundred?
Dur: [Poking at Sticarus' stomach] The real question is, how do you know they're still alive?
Sticarus: [Over a muffled but audible fluttering sound from his stomach] I can feel them flying around.
Austin: As you are not flying yourself, should you not eat some more live pigeons?
Sticarus: Good idea. [Opens a door into another room that is filled with cages crammed with pigeons. He sprinkles some liquid from a vial into one and the pigeons disappear]

Alice: Wow! Where did they go?

Sticarus: [Reaching into the cage before pulling something out and showing it to the party] Shrinking potion! [Opens his hand to reveal about twenty tiny pigeons]
Austin: Could you give us some of your shrinking potions? They could be very helpful.
very helpful. Charlie: [Intrigued] Oh, indeed! MOST helpful! And could you tell us a bit about the science behind the potions? In enormous and pain-staking detail?! [Flips open a notepad, pencil poised eagerly]
Sticarus: Uh... that's a... secret! [To Austin] Certainly not! You think just anyone would be trusted with this stuff?
Dur: Would it help if we assured you we wouldn't use it in an attempt to swallow live pigeons?
Sticarus: What sort of pigeons would you use it on?
Dur: The demonic sort?
Sticarus: [Excited] Can they fly?
Charlie: [Nods enthusiastically] The flying ones can!
Sticarus: Gear! As long as you give me some -- I'll even give you the reverse shrinking potion too!
Austin: we'll need the shrink and unshrink potions to get some demonic pigeons I suspect! [Claps] What a great plan!
Alice: How do we know the unshrink potion works?
Clint: We could test it on a belly full of pigeons, but that sounds unwise to me.
Austin: We could test it on the staff [Turns and considers Dur as a test subject]
Alice: Anything that sounds unwise to you, Clint, seems like the smarter course of action! [Peers at Dur] Is he in shrunken form? [To Dur] Are you small?
Charlie: [Helpfully] Perhaps we could test them on the pigeons you hold in your hand? [Gestures to the tiny pigeons in Sticarus' hands]
Sticarus: Nu-uh! I need these to fly! [Swallows the pigeons]

Alice: You know, there still is a way to test it on those pigeons?
Charlie: [Nods] Yes, if you were to restore those consumed pigeons to full size, no doubt it would increase your ability to fly!
Sticarus: Good idea! No peeking! [Turns and opens a safe, with everyone watching him enter the password 123456]
[STICARUS turns a looks at the party, all of whom look away, whistling nonchalantly, as he takes some out of the safe and slams it closed.]
Sticarus: [Opening a window] Hah! See you, losers! [Knocks back the potion] Oh. Hm. I don't feel so well.
Austin: [Takes cover behind a larger object or another party member] Fire in the hole!
[Everyone dives to the ground, with AUSTIN taking up a strategic position behind ALICE, as STICARUS' stomach quickly grows and bursts, showering the party in blood, guts, feathers and a startling amount of pigeon shit. Incredibly, the pigeons all simply fly away.]
Alice: Huh. I guess the unshrinking potion works! Maybe we should use it on Dur's.... you know what!
Charlie: [Disgustedly scraping pigeon goo from her face] His brain? I would not recommend it! We could have a similar explosion of skull and brain!
Austin: Worth a try.
Alice: It could swell to ten times its current size and still fit in there! [Laughs so much at her hilarious joke that milk comes down her nose, only to stop short when a carriage licence plate hits her on the head] Ow! What the hell?
Dur: [Smirking smugly] Karma is surely a fickle mistress. Where did this come from? [Inspecting the plate]
Alice: I think it came from his stomach!

Finley: [Grabs it and looks at it] That's from my carriage! Some damned pigeon stole it!
Dur: [Triumphantly] And so we have successfully solved the mystery of the missing license plate! [Hopefully] That was our mission, right?
Finley: No, you fool! The mission was to find my carriage!

Nicque: [Who's been slurping away on Sticarus bits] Come on, Troop, focus! We're here to try and stop Wilhelmina from destroying the world!
Austin: [Tries to open the safe and remove the contents] No. Sarge, please update the staff on the current mission status.
[Enter FLETCH, chomping on a pigeon.]
Fletch: Hey! Totes pidge!
Charlie: [Narrowing her eyes at Nicque] Do stop ordering my group about! [To Fletch] And do stop eating pigeons!
Austin: Why not let him clear up this disgusting mess if he wants to? If we are going to save the world it might as well be worth saving!
Alice: "Something"? You mean personal experience and disappointment?

Fletch: Where's Fletch?
Clint: Say, we should test this anti shrink stuff on something full size. Something tells me there's a fortune to be made in selling it with disreputable ads!
Charlie: [Awkwardly] Oh, about that . . . he valiantly gave his life to ensure others might live and thrive! Isn't that a wonderful legacy?!
Fletch: Totes drag! [Looks at Finley] Where's Finley?

Finley: Finley's dead! Crawelthor caught up with us and they... well, they fused together and formed a sort of Super Finley who saved our lives.
Austin: What did the hybrid call himself? Finelthor?
quiet today?
;; quiet today?
Just waiting for you!
Finley: It was Alithor -- and quite a sight to behold. They fused together perfectly.
Charlie: [To Finley, uneasily] Was that what you intended?
Finley: We never even considered it!

Percy: All the research has focused on fission, to try and weaken Will.
Dur: Does this unexpected result help us?
Austin: Possibly, but perhaps the opposite? I guess fusion could temper the demon? I worked with Crawelthor. Maybe if Percy or Panse fused with Will?
Panse: It didn't work the last time I did it! [Holds his hand up for a high five] Er, I mean... [tails off lamely] er, how would that work?
Charlie: [To Austin, sharply] We are NOT merging my children! [To Panse] And YOU are not permitted to speak until further notice!!
Panse: Uh... [thinks better of it and stops]

Alice: [Points out a window] What is that enormous tower out there and how come we didn't notice it before?

Fletch: That's Wilhelmina's palace. She created it out of the bodies of a thousand virgins in the space of ten minutes. Totes verge.
Austin: No way she got planning permission for that!
Fletch: The local planning officer went to talk to her.

Alice: How did he get on?

Fletch: He was Virgin 1000.
Austin: Probably the most useful thing he has ever done.
Charlie: [Weakly] That many innocent virgins?! [Tries to rally] To be fair, I can understand her frustration in dealing with the planning office. Poor Pestilence had fits when he tried to add a multi-story, multi-dimensional oven to our back garden. The paperwork we had to complete was SUCH a nuisance!
Austin: [Looking at the tower] Wait a minute, those virgins look dead! What a waste!
Alice: I don't know, Aus, at least 400 of them look like they were computer programmers. I mean, that can't be bad, right? And of the rest, why, I bet they were just awful people, right?

Fletch: Not really, most of them were only in town to help innocent victims who were caught up in the war between the gods. Also, saving innocent kittens and teaching adorable puppies to keep old people company.
Charlie: [Gasps] Kittens?! But she was raised to love and cherish kittens! [To Percy, urgently] We must go to her at once and try to reason with her!
Percy: [Shakes her head sadly] She can't be reasoned with.
Charlie: [To Percy, horrified] We cannot just give up on her! [To Panse, irritably] And have you absolutely nothing to say?! Surely you have an opinion about the salvation of your allegedly beloved girlfriend?!
Panse: I think she's so well organised that if she decides to destroy the world and everyone in it, she will systematically wipe everything off the planet.
Charlie: [Stunned] But strong organizational skills should be a force for GOOD!
[There's a tremendous crashing sound from outside. Everyone goes to the window to look and see that just a few blocks away, buildings are suddenly being flattened without any obvious cause.]
Alice: [Lamely] That could be anything, right? That's not necessarily Will destroying the entire city, I mean, there are any number of plausible explanations, right? You know... uh... termines? You know, like termites but explosive?
Charlie: [To Finley, urgently] Can you fuse ME with Wilhelmina?
Finley: I didn't even realise it could be done, but I suspect not -- it would have to be a being with a virtually identical but mirrored genetic make up.
Charlie: Fission, then? Let us try it at once! There is no more time for testing!
Percy: [Puts her hand on Charlie's arm] There's no more time. Fission will only make her more powerful.
Dur: If both Fission and Fusion won't work now, what option do we have left?
left? Charlie: [To Finley, getting frantic] Let me call Pestilence to us! You can try to fuse both of us with Will!
Percy: Fusion will work. Mom just doesn't want it to.
Charlie: [To Percy, shaking] We are NOT discussing this. [To Finley, desperately] Pestilence and I together can do it, don't you agree? We must hurry!
Finley: Pestilence can't come to this dimension to help, that would cause such a massive disruption to The Balance that it would probably destroy the world faster than Wilhelmina could.

Alice: He's right, Charlie, it looks like this is the only way.
Charlie: [Helplessly] NO! There must be . . . something? [embraces Percy, dissolving into tears]
[Book X, Act XII, Scene XI. STICARUS' HOUSE. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, FINLEY, PERCY, PANSE and NICQUE are here, sitting around a table, the entire building shaking from thunderous explosions all around.]
Finley: We've established that Percy needs to get within touching distance of Wilhelmina, but this will not be trivial as she is now in the massive and well defended tower. To further exacerbate matters, many of the other gods, devils, past gods, minor demons, semi-demons, demi-semi-demons, hemi-demi-semi-demons, semi-hemi-demi-semi-demons and assholes have banded together to try and defeat her. Should they succeed in this endeavour, they will then be free to turn their attentions on the rest of the world, leading to almost certain destruction of the entire realms. Alice: What if Wilhelmina defeats them?

Finley: It will lead to almost certain destruction of the entire realms.

Alice: And what if Percy touching Wilhelmina doesn't work?

Finley: It will lead to almost certain destruction of the entire realms.
[Everyone's mood is even more deflated.]
Nicque: [Points to a huge plate on the table] I made some nachos if anyone fancies some? I mean, it isn't real cheese or meat, and they're not actually tortilla chips, but if you close your eyes and pretend, why, it'll be just like being at a Fiesta!
Charlie: [To Nicque] This is no time for a Faux-esta, you silly creature! [To Panse] Perhaps YOU could help us get close to Wilhelmina? Presumably she is not repulsed by you.
Austin : That might be the attraction.
Panse: Well, she did once say that the thought I wasn't entirely awful. It was when I brought her the traditional birthday present that all the Parker-Kensington women love so much.
Charlie: [Excited] Enormously thick, hard-bound books?
Alice: Thanks god, I thought she was going to say the still beating heart of a baker!
Remember Nanna Willa's birthday party way back in Book 7, Act 7?

Pestilencegives Nanna Willa a birthday gift

Charlie: [Shakes her head and chuckles fondly] Oh, Nanna! [To Panse] What book did you give Wilhelmina?
;; Remember Nanna Willa's birthday party way back in Book 7, Act 7?
Wilhelmina's namesake! How appropriate!
Dur: [Stuffing some Faux-Nachos into his mouth... and pants for later] Well, can you get us close to her or not?
Panse: Book? I didn't give her a book, I gave her the still beating heart of a baker! [To Dur] I can get close to her -- a heart was always to way to her heart, but I don't see how that will get you guys near her.
Austin : we could shrink until we can fit in your pocket then you could sneak us in. [Clarifies. ] by us, I mean them [gestures to the party]
Alice: Wow, Austin, how brave of you to volunteer! Well done!
Charlie: [Shakes her head] Percy and I will shrink ourselves and go, and you the rest of you will try to hold off any rampaging demons, half-demons, [primly] etc.
Alice: Certainly not! We do this together, to try and hold off any rampaging Wilhelminas! [To the party] Am I right?

Nicque: [Dramatically waving a Nacho in the air] And one for all!
Austin: [Ducking the Nacho. To Alice] You are always right. Except for now. There is currently only one Wilhelmina.
Alice: That we know of!
Charlie: Do be serious! Of course there is only one. My daughters are each uniquely wonderful! [Beams at Percy]
Percy: It's true, we're each a delight. [Smiles] Especially me. I think though, that it's best you are surrounded by your closest friends when the fusion happens, Mom. People who will show you the consideration and sensitive support you will need. In the absence of them, I think the party will do just perf!
Charlie: [Looks at the party uncertainly] Will you join me in this absurd man's [gestures to Panse] pockets?
Alice: Are there a lot of spoons in there?

Panse: A few.

Alice: Okay, I'm in.
Austin : [checks his nails ] Once more into the fray
; out today
Alice: [Looks out the window] What are the chances of Panse getting killed by one of the other gods on the way?

Finley: Quite high.
Charlie: [Cheerily] Well, any war comes with sacrifices! [Claps her hands] Shall we shrink?
Dur: [Excitedly] Will there be giant pantswiches?!
Panse: Oh, god no!

Alice: [Looks at Dur's crestfallen expression] Poor Dur, war is hell. [Thinks] Hey, shouldn't we have a plan?
Clint: l thought we did - shrink, let Panse do all the hard part, and then let Percy do her thing?
Alice: What if Panse doesn't get in?
Charlie: [To Panse] You WILL be able to get in, will you not?
Panse: I don't know! I can definitely get to the door, but maybe her goons won't let me in.
Austin: It might be prudent to have the re-enlargement potions convienently ready.
Alice: Especially if we can shrink it and have it with us. It would be awful if Panse got killed.

Panse: [Surprised] Why, thanks Alice.

Alice: What? I mean, it would be awful if we didn't have any unshrinking potion!
Clint: Maybe Panse should be carrying a bouquet of severed heads or something to make it obvious he's come a-courting.
Panse: Good idea, she loves that! How many have you got on you?
Clint: I'm fresh out, but pigeon-boy might be salvageable?
Austin: [A bit pale] You might be able to pick some up on the way? [Helpfully] How about a few of the virgins, they probably wont be needing theirs?
Nicque: I've got a bunch of 'em! You can have mine!
Austin: [Going green] Great, most helpful.
Charlie: [To Panse, glumly] Perhaps it would please her if she thought you were bringing [falters] one of her hated enemies as a prisoner?
Nicque: Nonsense! What young girl wouldn't be delighted with these? [Shows of a colourful bouquet of multiracial heads]
Charlie: [Looks at the heads and flinches] Yes, ah, colorful. [To Panse] Will these heads be enough?
Panse: [Deftly arranging them in large bouquet] Just a little sprig of Baby's Breath to fill it out a bit and... [adds some extra foliage and steps back, revealing what everyone must admit is a surprisingly nice looking bouquet of severed heads]
Charlie: [Nods] Yes, that is, as Will herself might say, not entirely awful. Under the circumstances and for its intended audience!
Panse: Aw! Your constant qualification of praise sounds just like Will!
Austin: The Apple never falls far from the tree!
Dur: Or the Demon apple never falls far from the demon tree, am I right?!
Alice: [Shakes her head in a mixture of sympathy and disgust] Stop, Dur. Just stop!
[FINLEY hands out a bunch of potions.]
Finley: These are the unshrink ones, each of you take one. [Hands out more potions] These will shrink you -- best to stand on the table when you take them lest someone accidentally stamp on you!
Dur: [Frowning at the bottles] What happens if we drink the wrong one?
Austin: Then tere will be fewer fools in this world. [Stands on the table and drinks the shrinking potion]
Alice: [As Austin shrinks down to about an inch tall] I'm game if you are, Dur! [Holds up her anti shrink potion]
Charlie: While I appreciate that the two of you have finally unlocked your inner scientist, we really cannot risk wasting these potions! [Picks up tiny Austin, climbs on the table, then sets him down again] Wouldn't want to squish you before the hordes of demons have a chance! [Drinks her shrinking potion]
Clint: You're all heart, Sarge. [Climbs onto the table and drinks his shrinking potion as well. ]
Alice: [Climbs onto the table as Charlie and Clint also shrink] Hey! No looking up my skirt! [To Finley] It's laundry day, you see? [Knocks hers back]
Dur: [Shakes his head as he climbs on to the table.] I guess every day is laundry day now? [Chugs his potion]
Panse: How about we trap them all in a jam jar and give them to Will as a sacrifice?

Percy: [Clips Panse over the ear] Stop being tiresome. [Leaps onto the table and knocks back her potion]
End of scene -- next one coming up on WEDNESDAY
We'll be in the US for the next while