The Queens View Affair Current Scene (Book X, Act X)

Last update: 2018-06-21 16:15:04

Last from me #2.80
[Book X, Act VIII, Scene III. The Elevator. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, SHOR, SHERLOCK, LINDA and about twenty SQUAT members are squashed into a tiny elevator.]

Alice: [With her face flat against a panel that reads "Maximum Occupancy 12"] Er, is this thing safe?

Sherlock: Ah, that's just more of a guide than anything.

Austin: I certainly hope you are well insured. If not, I can help you with that. [Plucks an insurance form out of Alice's pocket]

Alice: Hey!

Austin: Forgive me, dearest Alice, but there is not enough room for me to get one out of my satchel.

Alice: What's it doing in my pocket?

Austin: I find it useful to secret various forms amongst the party lest a situation like this ever arise.

Alice: That's the most ludicrous thing I've ever heard!

Austin: As ludicrous as being crammed in a dangerously over occupied elevator running on dubious technology deep within a prison?

Alice: No. Last from Conor #1

Dur: I wonder where he hid his form on me?!

Charlie: [To Dur, imperiously] Hands out of your pants, at once!! Last from Heather #3

Clint: Guess we know where he hid his form on Sarge! Last from Tom # 4

Clint: Guess we know where he hid his form on Sarge!

Shor: Are we actually moving? Last from Colin #5

Austin: [To Dur] Alas, yours was concealed perilously close to what appeared to be a dead animal.

Linda: Of course we're moving! Look at the floor indicator!

[She nods at a dial on the wall, which everyone watches for a good 30 seconds. It goes from pointing at zero to pointing just passed it.]

Linda: Try not to get motion sick! Last from Conor #6

Clint: Can the human body even survive such speeds? Last from Tom #7

Linda: These dizzying speeds have been known to induce massive flatulence -- don't anyone dare let something out, just keep it in. At this rate, we should be there in about five days. Last from Conor #8

Dur: [Looks down and then back to Austin] Ok, but WHICH dead animal? Last from Kevin #9

Clint: How many choices are there?

;;; Questions I opted against include "how much meat do you keep in your pants?" Last from Tom #10

Dur: Do you honestly expect me to keep track of ALL the dead animals I keep??

;;; I'm almost ashamed of you for NOT phrasing it that way Tom! Last from Kevin # 11 keep??

Shor: The only dead animal I keep is a little hairy caterpillar I had named Fred. After his passing, I found Fred, combined with a small stick, worked excellently as an ear cleaner! Last from Colin # 12 Last from Dom #13

Alice: It was probably Steve Miller, renowned caterpillar killer. Last from Conor # 14

Shor: Sadly it was a case of mistaken sprout identity. Poor Fred, a bit dull at the best of times, happened upon some Brussels sprouts, and mistaking them for cabbages, believed himself to increased in size a thousand fold. Emboldened and empowered by his self percieved vastness, he decided to wreak his revenge on the local hoodlum spider Schlob, who had bullied and tormented him endlessly. Poor thing, I found him fully cocooned and half devoured the next day in Schlobs web, a bitter look of disappointment and surprise on his furry little face. ; ;; What can I say, incredibly boring morning at work Last from Bored Colin #15

Linda: [As Alice stifles some tears] That's the most pathetic thing I've ever heard.

[The lift bings.]

Alice: Are we here?

Sherlock: Alas, no, we're going so slowly we're still where we started!

Charlie: [Helpfully] Perhaps we should take the stairs? A little exercise never harmed anyone, though studies show boredom can be lethal! Last from Heather #17

Charlie: [Helpfully] Perhaps we should take the stairs? A little exercise

Austin: Surprising that they lived long enough to write up the results! rest Last from Dom #18

Linda: No! You have no security clearance, so you cannot expect to wander around the jail!

Alice: And besides, I'm sure these HARMA types are too unfit to climb stairs! Last from Conor # 19 wander around the jail! stairs!

Shor: Could you imagine how much quicker they'd respond to riots etcetera if they took the stairs instead of this thing! Last from Colin #20

Alice: Nah, they'd be even slower, look at how unfit they are! Last from Conor #21

Clint: It's probably them who are making it reek in here. So unfit they've all got stinky old sweaty clothes just from standing around! Last from Tom #22

Linda: Hey! We could totally run up those stairs -- we might even beat you up there!

Alice: All the more reason for us not to take the stairs with them! Last from Conor #23

Dur: [Joining in] They probably couldn't even read the sign "STAIRS"! Last from Kevin #24

Alice: That warning sign is there for a reason, Dur. I went up some one time with an unusually short skirt, and I certainly got a lot of .... [waits for someone to finish her hilarious joke]

[Time passes.]

Linda: Bah! I'll show you! [Presses the open button.]

[The doors slide open causing everyone to pour out onto the floor.]

Alice: [Lying on top of a mass of bodies] ... stares! Last from Conor #25

Clint: [Shoving a few bodies off of himself.] Cool story, Bimbo. They were probably pitying your underwear! Last from Kevin # 26 were probably pitying your underwear!

Shor: [Gets up slowly] Well, that was incredibly unpleasant! Health and safety standards are definitely being ignored here! Last from Colin #27

Alice: [Defensively to Clint] Hey! It was laundry day, every other pair was being washed! [To Shor] That's a bit harsh, don't you think? I mean, sure, they were a bit grey and the elastic probably had seen better days, but that hardly constitutes a health and safety violation!

Charlie: [To Alice, sadly] Do not forget that low self-esteem can be an indicator of poor mental health! [To the party] To the stairs! Last from Heather #29

Austin: [To Alice] It depends on how many people are using them. rest Last from Dom #30

Alice: [As Linda and the Squat Team race up the stairs] Maybe we should just take the lift? Last from Conor # 31 should just take the lift?

Shor: [Looking at the speed the squat team are ascending] Well, it certainly would be the quicker option! Last from Colin # 32

Shor: [Looking at the speed the squat team are ascending] Well, it

Austin: [Presses the 'Penthouse' or highest button] Let's go! rest

;;; awa oot Last from Dom #33
[The lift makes a depressed buzzing sound. SHERLOCK, who, along with two Squat members, didn't take the stairs, presses the button.]

Sherlock: This is a prison, you know. We do have some small amount of security. Last from Conor # 34 along with two Squat members, didn't take the stairs, presses the button.] security.

Shor: That's an interesting point. Who do you keep imprisoned here? Last from Colin #35

Clint: Other than common sense, we mean! Last from Tom #36

Sherlock: All sorts, we don't really discriminate. We have Fake God sympathisers, False God worshippers, anti-HARMA activists and those generally suspected of hoodlumery.

Charlie: [Nods] And when can those imprisoned expect a trial? Last from Heather #38

Sherlock: Any time within the next two days to ten years. Last from Conor #39

Dur: That must be some waiting list! Last from Kevin #40

Sherlock: It's mainly the complexity of the cases -- people are terrified of being found innocent of all charges. Last from Conor #41

Clint: Because you'd kick them out to be eaten alive? Last from Tom #42

Sherlock: You wound me with your hurtful accusation! At least some of them would likely be killed first, and then eaten! Last from Conor #43

Dur: And certainly some might live.... to be tortured for eternity. I hear demons are into that kind of thing, right Charlie? hear demons are into that kind of thing, right Charlie?

Charlie: [Excited] Oh my, yes! Some make rather soothing, kitten-like purring sounds whilst they torture, and others even experience something akin to sexual arousal when torturing victims. Last from Heather #45

Dur: [Looking horrified] It sounds awful! Last from Kevin # 46

Shor: Surely this just makes people commit crimes to get sent to prison and be safe? Last from Colin #47

Clint: Put another way, it turns this place into a gigantic cafeteria for demons!

;;; Out on jury duty tomorrow, by the way. Last from Guilty Tom # 48 demons!

Shor: Judging by the general fitness and hygiene habits of those troops, I'm thinking more of a greasy spoon type of place. Last from Colin #49

Sherlock: [Nods at Shor] There are a lot of people committing crimes to get in here, but the HARMA code of prisoner inclusion is so confusing and full of contradictions that most people who commit crimes are simply thrown in whatever jail is convenient. Not everyone is held in special facility like this.

Charlie: Yes, it's, er, lovely. [To Sherlock] And you are employed by HARMA? Last from Heather #51

Sherlock: [Laughs] Oh, god no! I'm more... tolerated by them. Last from Conor# 52

Shor: Are you a prisoner here yourself? Last from Colin # 53

Austin: Or some sort of mascot, perhaps? rest Last from Dom #54

Sherlock: No one's quite sure. I'm part time lawyer for those delaying trials, part time Special HARMA Interception Technician and full time general dashing hero.

Alice: Special HARMA Interception Technician? What on earth is that?

Sherlock: [Gleefully] Nobody knows! You see, the secret to surviving even on the fringe of an organisation like HARMA is to create an important sounding job that only you are qualified to do; the less anyone in the organisation understands the job and the less work involved, the better.

Alice: How much work is actually involved in your job?

Sherlock: Yesterday I built a replica of the Eye-Full tower out of pens. Last from Conor #55

Austin: Impressive! No doubt a crime scene reconstruction combined with rest hand eye coordination? hand eye coordination?

Charlie: [To Sherlock, nodding enthusiastically] Yes, and I shall be the Senior Executive Strategist of Global Research Planning and Development! Last from Heather #57

Sherlock: That's the kind of thing! [To Austin] Not really, I was just bored waiting for the daily donut delivery. Last from Conor #58

Austin: Hmm, well I'm the Senior Associate Executive of International rest Futures and Re-profiling, my work is of the utmost importance. Last from Dom #59

Sherlock: Completely meaningless -- I love it, you'll fit in here very well. As well as nonsensical jobs, you'll also need a crime that you're accused of. Last from Conor #60

Dur: [Peaking his head around the others] Tell us more about the donut delivery you nut! well. As well as nonsensical jobs, you'll also need a crime that you're accused of. delivery you nut!

Charlie: [To Dur, scolding] After you think of your pointless job title and crime! [Excited] My crime will be [dramatically] preventing the lawful burial of a body! Last from Heather # 63 and crime! [Excited] My crime will be [dramatically] preventing the lawful burial of a body!

Shor: I don't have a job title, as I'm a wealthy trust fund kid. And my crime is being a wealthy trust fund kid! Last from Colin #64

Dur: Oh oh! I can be Chief Operational Director of Taste Testing and Donut Approval and my crime can be licking all the frosting off the donuts! This is a pretty fun game! Last from Kevin #65

Sherlock: [To Shor] Be careful -- a crime like that will likely get you thrown in the hole for twenty years. [Gravely to Dur] Calling them donuts is probably on the generous side.

Alice: I'll be accused of arranging illegal Sloth Fights [darkly] and fixing the results! As for job which no one understands and which requires doing nothing... [dramatically] university professor! Last from Conor #66

Clint: [Getting into the spirit of things.] Chief Liability Operations Director, here on charges of aggravated mopery in the third degree!

;;; So in what is only a minute surprise, jury duty was a wash, inasmuch as I was just entering the courtroom when the clerk came out to announce that the parties had settled and we were dismissed. Director, here on charges of aggravated mopery in the third degree!

Charlie: [To Alice, offended] But [huge emphasis] I am a university professor! You hardly know anyone who works more than I do, surely?! as I was just entering the courtroom when the clerk came out to announce that the parties had settled and we were dismissed.

;;; Justice is served! Last from Heather #68

Alice: Oh please! I'm standing between a [gestures to Clint] moped, a [to Austin] Senior Associate Executive of International Futures and Re-profiling and a trust fund kid, I don't know anyone who does any work. Maybe I'll be in charge of the Department of Just Ice. I always thought that sounded like a cool job.

;;; Boom boom! Last from Conor #69

Austin: I heard your office runs at a glacial pace! rest Last from dom # 70

Austin: I heard your office runs at a glacial pace! rest

Shor: And that you're a bunch of slippery characters! Last from Colin #71

Alice: What do you expect with the current hiring freeze? Last from Conor #72

Austin: You could be a little less frosty! rest Last from Dom #73

Alice: Oh please, we're totally chill!

Charlie: [To Austin] Snow she could not! Last from Conor and Heather #74

Austin: I think you're on a slippery slope and sliding fast! rest Last from Dom #75

[Finally, the lift dings.]

;;; The logger is up and running! There is some work to do to get it
;;; fully functional and to include older posts, but everything
;;; from this current scene is up.
;;; Its new home:

Charlie: [Eagerly attempts to exit the lift] I-cy we have finally arrived!

;;; Hooray for the return of the logger! Last from Heather #77

Sherlock: [Opens a small previously unnoticed door and takes out a mug] Not yet -- that was the microwave. Anyone care for some delicious soup? Last from Conor #78

Sherlock: [Opens a small previously unnoticed door and takes out a

Austin: Did you use the purest glacial melt-water to make your soup? rest Last from Dom #79

Sherlock: No, it's just some HARMA approved crap. 200% recycled. Last from Conor #80

Austin: [Sighs] Not even a pun! rest Last from Dom #81

Alice: 200% recycled?

Sherlock: Yep, there's not much fresh water pumped in here. Last from Conor #82

Dur: You're practically drinking urine! [Looks around] I'm not complaining, just saying... Last from Kevin #33

Clint: Maybe it's not necessary for them to drink their own urine, but they do it anyway because it's sterile and they like the taste!

;;; A byproduct at getting up super early for jury duty yesterday, under pain of $100 fine and having to do it again next week
;;; is that I got basically no sleep Monday night.  But not last night!  Nosiree! Last from Tom #84

Sherlock: [Shrugs] If it was urine, it would probably taste better!

;;; Soo.... now we know the secret behind getting Tom up early! Last from Conor # 85

Sherlock: [Shrugs] If it was urine, it would probably taste better!

Shor: [Shudders] So, a diet consisting of demon flesh and recycled urine! And the place is still better than being on the outside! And the place is still better than being on the outside!

Charlie: [Wrinkles her nose] Perhaps it is time for us to pursue vegetarianism! Last from Heather # 87

Charlie: [Wrinkles her nose] Perhaps it is time for us to pursue

Austin: Plant demons? [Shrugs] Okay if you can get enough ketchup and rest don't mind holding your nose while you eat, I guess. Fungus demons are not much better either. [Casually checks his nails] Last from Dom #88

Sherlock: Well, if you guys are determined to eat demons and drink urine, I guess no one will stop you. [Reflects] Actually, some will probably pay good money to watch, but hey, it takes all sorts, I guess.

[Bing! Finally, the lift stops moving. The doors slide open about two inches.]

Alice: [Peers out the gap] Hello? Last from Conor # 89 urine, I guess no one will stop you. [Reflects] Actually, some will probably pay good money to watch, but hey, it takes all sorts, I guess. about two inches.]

Shor: We would probably have to skip a few more demon gall bladder gumbo and flavoured pee beverages to fit through that door! Last from Colin #90

Alice: Oh man! Now I need to pee! Last from Conor #91

Austin: [To Sherlock] SO what is the food here made of, or from? rest Last from Dom #92

Sherlock: Oh, you know, a little bit of this and a little bit of that. [Nods at the door] We probably need to encourage that door to open. Last from Conor #93

Dur: Errr... ok. [Looks at the door and starts speaking in baby talk] Who's a good door? You, you're a good door! Come on... errr... doorsie.... open up... Who's a good door? Last from Kevin #94

Austin: I think he means Mr Scars kind of encouragement? At least I rest hope so [Looks around for a coin slot] Last from Dom #95

Alice: Maybe something a bit more subtle -- like prising it open? Last from Dom #95

Clint: Haw! A chance to do what I do best! [Flexes his door-kicking foot, winds up, and gives the door an almighty boot, trying to knock it sideways.] Open sesame! Last from Conor #96

Austin: [Sighs] Must I do all of the work around here! [Gets a small rest jemmy bar from hi satchel and passes it to Alice] Last from Dom and Tom #97 and #96

Alice: [Looks at the bar with disdain] I assume you don't expect me to touch that!

[CLINT somehow gets his boot right on the door and shoves it open more, before kicking it again, so that it is now two feet open. The party can see that it opens into a small corridor with a number of doors, one of which bursts open right at that moment. LINDA and a bunch of Squat Officers race through, panting and sweaty.]

Linda: [Triumphantly, although hyperventilating] See? Totally fit!

Charlie: [Nods at Clint approvingly] Expertly done, Mr. Scar! [To Linda, skeptically] I suppose, but isn't the real effort in going DOWN stairs? Last from Conor # 98 touch that! open more, before kicking it again, so that it is now two feet open. The party can see that it opens into a small corridor with a number of doors, one of which bursts open right at that moment. LINDA and a bunch of Squat Officers race through, panting and sweaty.]

Shor: Totally! [Enthusiastically] How many floors did you run up? 20? 30? 50? Last from Conor #98

Clint: Look, doc, a chance to practice medicine when one of those guys has a heart attack! [Stagily] Just don't let anyone out the remains into the food supply! Last from Almost Everyone #99

Linda: [Panting] A hundred! [Looks at Charlie] What? No way!

Alice: I don't know, it seems to me like even the least fit person could run up them. Why, I bet even Stinky with a cigar in one hand and a burger in the other could easily have run up those stairs! Last from Just Conor #100

Austin: [Agrees with Alice] Cinch. rest Last from dom # 101

Austin: [Agrees with Alice] Cinch. rest

Shor: Blindfolded! Last from Dom #101

Linda: Oh yeah? I can.... I can easily do ... [faints]

Charlie: [Watching Linda faint, beaming] Splendid! [To Sherlock] Now, where are the guest quarters? Last from Heather #103

Sherlock: Downstairs -- you have to meet the Govorner first. Last from Conor #104

Dur: A kind and benevolent leader, I hope? Last from Kevin #105

Austin: Fitter than the rest of them, perhaps? rest Last from Dom #106

Clint: Hopefully not smarter, though? Last from Tom #107

Austin: Smarter dress would be good though, the're all at least 30 rest years behind the times. Last from Conor# 109

Shor: [Groaning outwardly] And what kind of reception can we expect from the guvenor? If its frosty... [Turns to Alice with two thumbs up] Last from Colin #110

Alice: [Looks behind for a second] Huh?

Sherlock: Oh, just pretend you like unicorns and you'll be fine! Last from Conor# 111

Shor: Unicorns? To eat? Last from Colin # 112

Austin: That is inadvisable, they tend to fornicate with them. I rest believe they cherish the golden ones above all others. Last from Dom #113

Dur: Hmmmmm... Don't we know someone with an unhealthy level of fascination with unicorns? Last from Kevin #114

Clint: [Glances at Alice] Probably more than one person with an unhealthy fascination with unicorns! But yeah, we do. fascination with unicorns! But yeah, we do.

Charlie: [Optimistically] At least he feels he owes us a debt for saving his life now! Last from Heather #116 On 23 February 2018 at 17:45, Heather


Alice: [Looks behind her again] What? What is it with you guys?

Sherlock: [Laughs at Shor] Good one! [Dead serious] But don't say that. Seriously, don't. UVYgTG9nZ2VyDQoNClNpZ24taW4gYXR0ZW1wdCB3YXMgYmxvY2tlZA0KcXVlZW5zdmlld2xvZ0Bn bWFpbC5jb20NClNvbWVvbmUganVzdCB1c2VkIHlvdXIgcGFzc3dvcmQgdG8gdHJ5IHRvIHNpZ24g aW4gdG8geW91ciBhY2NvdW50LiBHb29nbGUNCmJsb2NrZWQgdGhlbSwgYnV0IHlvdSBzaG91bGQg dW50cy5nb29nbGUuY29tL0FjY291bnRDaG9vc2VyP0VtYWlsPXF1ZWVuc3ZpZXdsb2dAZ21haWwu P3JmbiUzRDYlMjZyZm5jJTNEMSUyNmVpZCUzRC03MjQ3OTY3ODcxMDg3NTY5NjQ0JTI2ZXQlM0Qw JTI2YXNhZSUzRDI+DQo8aHR0cHM6Ly9hY2NvdW50cy5nb29nbGUuY29tL0FjY291bnRDaG9vc2Vy P0VtYWlsPXF1ZWVuc3ZpZXdsb2dAZ21haWwuY29tJmNvbnRpbnVlPWh0dHBzOi8vbXlhY2NvdW50 Lmdvb2dsZS5jb20vZGV2aWNlLWFjdGl2aXR5P3JmbiUzRDYlMjZyZm5jJTNEMSUyNmVpZCUzRC03 MjQ3OTY3ODcxMDg3NTY5NjQ0JTI2ZXQlM0QwJTI2YXNhZSUzRDI+DQoNCg0KWW91IHJlY2VpdmVk IHRoaXMgZW1haWwgdG8gbGV0IHlvdSBrbm93IGFib3V0IGltcG9ydGFudCBjaGFuZ2VzIHRvIHlv dXINCkdvb2dsZSBBY2NvdW50IGFuZCBzZXJ2aWNlcy4NCsKpIDIwMTggR29vZ2xlIEluYy4sMTYw MCBBbXBoaXRoZWF0cmUgUGFya3dheSwgTW91bnRhaW4gVmlldywgQ0EgOTQwNDMsIFVTQQ0KZXQ6 Ng0K

Charlie: [To Sherlock] Do not worry! He is always saying absurd things, but he means no harm. [Muses] Unless you try to deprive him of hair care products. Last from Heather #118

Sherlock: Oh, he'll be fine. This is Queens View, we have all sorts of access to high quality HARMA Approved Hair Products. [Points to his massive, unruly mop of curls] I liberally applied the hair straightener just a while ago!

;;; End of scene, next one coming right up! Last from me 3.119
[Book X, Act VIII, Scene IV. The Office. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, SHOR and SHERLOCK have just entered. JOE NUNPAR is here, sitting at a colossal desk, surrounded by delightful looking glass unicorns, and with a massive painting of a unicorn behind him.]

Joe: Yes?

;;; The last time the party met Joe they actually parted on good terms. They and
;;; Dieter Pinklage had agreed to be undercover Special HARMA Information
;;; Therapists. Dieter travelled with Joe to Queens View while the party
;;; stayed in Nostalgia. Last from him #04.001

Austin: Nice unicorns! [Looks around] I love what you have done with the place. rest Last from Dom #2

Joe: [Lights up] Thanks! [Looks over the party, beaming] What's all the information you've therapied for me?

Charlie: [Looks startled] I am not certain, but I have a spare travel dictionary with thesaurus I would be most happy to lend you! Last from Conor # 3 the information you've therapied for me?

Shor: Hello there! I'm Shor Goldenhair, hero, and lover of Unicorns! Not in any funny perverted way, you understand! Last from Heather and Colin #4

Clint: We've been busy inspecting the safety of the trains and the refrigerators. There are people trying to blow this things up, you know! Last from Tom #5

Joe: [To Charlie] Excellent! You can add it to the pile of books for burning! [To Shor] I should certainly hope so! Good to meet you, assuming you are an associate of the SHITs and not a prisoner. [Looks him up and down] I can't say that approve of the length of the hair, but we'll soon knock you into shape. [To Clint, startled] Really? Who? Last from Conor #6

Austin: A criminal by the name of Panse. rest

Charlie: [Clutches her travel dictionary protectively and quickly tucks it back into her knapsack] Indeed, Panse is a dreadful boy! An enemy of all that is pleasant to unicorns! Last from Heather #8

Joe: [Writes the name down] I see! However, a more pressing matter is how did you get into Queens View? Last from Conor #9

Austin: Panse kidnapped us, locked us in a fridge, and put us on your rest train. How did you get here? Last from Conor# 9 how did you get into Queens View?

Shor: Hey, he criticised my hair. I don't think I like him, Unicorns or not! Last from Dom and Colin #10

Alice: [To Shor] None of us like him! Just calm down, we have to pretend!

Joe: [To Austin] Why the hell would he do that? [Thinks] I don't think he would have had access to the train. However, I have had officers confiscating illegal food devices across the Realms, so perhaps they're the ones who put the fridge on the train? But why would he have put you in there? [Pause] How did I get here? I came by train. I'm head of HARMA, I'm quite entitled to come and go.

Charlie: [To Joe] I suspect he was trying to keep me from speaking with my daughter, as he no doubt realizes I would forbid her from seeing him ever again! Last from Heather #12

Joe: Hm. It seems a bit of a coincidence that he placed you in the very receptacle that my men then collected and placed on the train....

[The door bursts open. Enter LUTHER MINER, a stylish looking man dressed in a suit so sharp it nearly draws blood from those who turn to look at him. This is the man who appeared in the first vision everyone had on the train.]

Luther: Sorry to interrupt, but we're under attack!

Luther Miner Last from Conor #13

Austin: [Putting on some sunglasses] Hardly suprising, dressed like that! rest Last from Conor #14

Dur: By who? Or what? Last from Kevin #15

Luther: A selection of demons.

Joe: Oh, that's okay, we're constantly under attack.

Luther: [Darkly] Not like this. Last from Conor #16

Clint: Perhaps we could be of assistance?

Charlie: [Eagerly] Oh, indeed! I have ever so much research on a great variety of demons! Last from Heather # 18 variety of demons!

Shor: Whats so different about this attack? Last from Heather #18

Luther: [Stares at Charlie, suspicious] Really? Do you... really? Do you know what a Pukwudgie is? [Folds his arms and stares at her]

;;; Charlie referenced such a thing way back in

Charlie: [Enthusiastically assuming lecturing stance] Indeed, they are small humanoid creatures, once friendly to humans, now known for violently despising our species! Their preferred mode of attack is to blind humans with fistfuls of glass. [Conversationally] To be fair, we killed most of them as part of late-night drinking games in the old days. Last from Heather #20 and Colin #19

Luther: [Breaks into a big smile] Ah! Another Cryptozoologist! Excellent! Excellent! [To Shor] This time they --

[The door swings open and LINDA staggers in.]

Linda: Wait! Wait! I have some [pant] shocking news! [Pant] We're .... [dramatically] under attack! Last from Conor #21

Clint: How shocking! I feel shocked! Last from Tom #22

Dur: [Looking confused] Maybe I don't understand the definition of shocking... [To Charlie] Does it mean hearing something you already knew to the extent that the information is almost mundane? shocking... [To Charlie] Does it mean hearing something you already knew to the extent that the information is almost mundane?

Charlie: [To Dur, looking disapprovingly at Clint] No, it does NOT! [Digs her travel dictionary out again and hands it to Clint primly] Last from Heather #24

Linda: [To Joe] It's true! We ARE under attack!

Luther: [Calmly] We are, and we're probably all going to be killed within the next few hours.

Charlie: [To Luther] We very well might, with that attitude! [Gestures to the party] We heroic sorts, however, approach danger with a [finger quotes] can-do spirit! [Instructively] AND you might be surprised to learn, many demons can be reasoned with quite successfully! Last from Heather # 26 the party] We heroic sorts, however, approach danger with a [finger quotes] can-do spirit! [Instructively] AND you might be surprised to learn, many demons can be reasoned with quite successfully!

Shor: Just in case they are not the reasoning type of demons, and the worst comes to pass, is there another way out of here? Underground tunnel, hot air balloon? Catapult? Last from Colin #27

Joe: Certainly not! Queens View is impenetrable! We have the thickest bars in the Realms to protect the inmates from any unwanted incursions, such as demons and interlopers like yourselves.

Alice: So the bars are there to protect the prisoners from *us*?

Sherlock: [Laughs] They're the lucky ones!

Linda: [Glares at the party] Yeah, they're the lucky ones!

;;; This is eerily reminiscent of the party's vision on the train! Last from Colin #28

Austin: It also protects the demons from us too! rest Last from Dom #29

Luther: For now. I believe the fortifications have been sabotaged!

Charlie: Oh, my! What has happened to them? Last from Heather #31

Luther: I don't know, but I have found evidence of interlopers having gained access to Queens View.

Linda: Impossible! No one can break through our fortifications! Last from Conor #32

Austin: Who are these interlopers? What evidence did they leave? Did rest them leave signed statements? Last from Dom #33

Luther: No, but that's probably because they're not idiots.

Alice: Maybe they are idiots who don't know how to sign their own names?

Luther: [Holds up an apparently empty evidence bag] Here's my evidence. Last from Conor # 34

Shor: So, basically you are looking for a group who've recently arrived to the prison. We'll help you look! Last from Colin #35

Luther: [Fixes Shor with a steely gaze] And what special skills do you bring? Last from Conor # 36

Luther: [Fixes Shor with a steely gaze] And what special skills do you bring?

Shor: Heroism! And origami. Last from Colin #37

Luther: [Bursts into a huge smile] Fantastic! We definitely need heroism for this task, and, let me tell you, my friend, it's been a pain being the only origamist in this place! [Lowly to the party] There are times I think they believe they can run a jail without knowing origami!

Sherlock: [Overhearing] Yeah, that's probably ALL the time! Last from Conor #38

Austin: [To Luther] Must come in really handy when you need to rustle rest up a unicorn in a hurry? Last from Dom #39

Joe: Hey! Hey! What's all this whispering?

[LUTHER's hands move in a blur and, before you could say "Princess Sparkle", he has produced a tiny paper unicorn, which he hands to JOE, who happily takes it.]

Luther: [To Austin] You have no idea how often that happens! Last from Conor #40

Austin: [To Luther] As reality hacks go, that one stings. rest Last from Dom #41

Luther: I'm not sure what that means, but I'm assuming from the stylishness of your suit that it's a compliment. I thank you, sir. Last from Conor #42

Dur: Special skills? Does eating anything count? Last from Kevin #43

Luther: [Gives Dur a cold stare] Yeah? What's the weirdest thing you've eaten? Last from Kevin #43

Austin: No, not really. But since everyone has calmed down about the rest impending doom, could I interest anyone in a life insurance policy, I have some rather excellent deals? Last from Dom and Conor #44

Dur: That depends on what you classify as weird! [Pats his belly] It's like a sharks stomach in here. If it fits in my mouth it will eventually end up in my stomach! Last from Kevin #45

Sherlock: Haw! Remind me to never get a blow job from you!

Linda: You disgust me.

Sherlock: Oh please, don't you judge me! Last from Conor #46

Clint: So! Let's go solve us a mystery! We've got origami, we've got eating, we've got kicking doors down, we've got wearing boring underwear, we've got... uh... organization. What more could we need? Last from Tom #47

Austin: Most important of all, Mr Scar! [Waves some papers at Clint] Insurance! rest Last from Dom #48

Luther: [Fixes Austin with a steely gaze] And by insurance do you mean some overpriced premium that you get a massive cut of? That the insurance company will subsequently weasel out of if any claims are made? Last from Conor #49

Austin: [Indignantly] Of course not, that would be malpractice. My rest cut is barely more than 3.1 %, and the policy covers everything short of an act of God, AND it's the cheapest cost-to-cover ratio in the Realms! Last from Dom #50

Dur: [Nervously] And how about acts of Demons? Last from Kevin # 51

Dur: [Nervously] And how about acts of Demons?

Shor: Well said! And acts of demi gods? Last from Colin # 52 Austin

: The term is used in it's generic, non-proprietary, collective, non-specific, cross-disciplinary, interdisciplinary, and multidisciplinary sense, condicio sine qua non. Last from Dom #53

Alice: That means no!

Charlie: [Wearily] Indeed, it is nearly impossible to find an insurance policy for demonic damages, as we learned during Wilhelmina's rather vicious teething stage. Last from Heather #55

Alice: So... can we see your evidence again?

[LUTHER holds up the empty bag.]

Luther: Pretty damning.

Charlie: [Puzzled, trying to see into the bag] Is the evidence perhaps metaphorical in nature? Last from Heather #57

Luther: No. This is what I found. Last from Conor #58

Austin: An empty bag? rest Last from dom # 59

Austin: An empty bag? rest

Shor: Not very damning, as evidence goes! UVYgTG9nZ2VyDQoNClNpZ24taW4gYXR0ZW1wdCB3YXMgYmxvY2tlZA0KcXVlZW5zdmlld2xvZ0Bn bWFpbC5jb20NClNvbWVvbmUganVzdCB1c2VkIHlvdXIgcGFzc3dvcmQgdG8gdHJ5IHRvIHNpZ24g aW4gdG8geW91ciBhY2NvdW50LiBHb29nbGUNCmJsb2NrZWQgdGhlbSwgYnV0IHlvdSBzaG91bGQg dW50cy5nb29nbGUuY29tL0FjY291bnRDaG9vc2VyP0VtYWlsPXF1ZWVuc3ZpZXdsb2dAZ21haWwu P3JmbiUzRDYlMjZyZm5jJTNEMSUyNmVpZCUzRC01MDQ1MTQ0MDcxNjA1NTMzMDMzJTI2ZXQlM0Qw JTI2YXNhZSUzRDI+DQo8aHR0cHM6Ly9hY2NvdW50cy5nb29nbGUuY29tL0FjY291bnRDaG9vc2Vy P0VtYWlsPXF1ZWVuc3ZpZXdsb2dAZ21haWwuY29tJmNvbnRpbnVlPWh0dHBzOi8vbXlhY2NvdW50 Lmdvb2dsZS5jb20vZGV2aWNlLWFjdGl2aXR5P3JmbiUzRDYlMjZyZm5jJTNEMSUyNmVpZCUzRC01 MDQ1MTQ0MDcxNjA1NTMzMDMzJTI2ZXQlM0QwJTI2YXNhZSUzRDI+DQoNCg0KWW91IHJlY2VpdmVk IHRoaXMgZW1haWwgdG8gbGV0IHlvdSBrbm93IGFib3V0IGltcG9ydGFudCBjaGFuZ2VzIHRvIHlv dXINCkdvb2dsZSBBY2NvdW50IGFuZCBzZXJ2aWNlcy4NCsKpIDIwMTggR29vZ2xlIEluYy4sMTYw MCBBbXBoaXRoZWF0cmUgUGFya3dheSwgTW91bnRhaW4gVmlldywgQ0EgOTQwNDMsIFVTQQ0KZXQ6 Ng0K

Luther: Not the bag, I already had that with me. It's what's in the bag that I'm concerned with.

Alice: Er... nothing?

Luther: Precisely! [To Shor] And if you don't find that damning, then you clearly have no idea of the level of general cleanliness in Queens View! Last from Conor # 61 bag that I'm concerned with. you clearly have no idea of the level of general cleanliness in Queens View!

Shor: I [shakes his head] have no idea of the level of general cleanliness in Queens View! Last from Colin #62

Luther: It is horrifically bad.

Alice: Does it look like say, [gestures to Clint] Stinky is in charge of it?

Luther: Well, it's not THAT bad. Last from Conor #63

Dur: So... someone cleaning up Queen's View constitutes sabotage?

Charlie: [To Dur] Oh do be serious! It cannot be as ridiculous as that! [To Luther] Can it?! Last from Heather #65

Luther: The only reason someone would leave any part of Queens View that clean is if they were removing all traces of themselves. And why would they do that? Last from Conor #66

Clint: Because they're mentally ill? Last from Tom #67

Joe: [Looks up from behind his army of unicorns] Do you really think we'd allow mentally ill people into Queens View? Last from Conor #66

Austin: There could be many reasons. Perhaps they were having an rest affair, and had to leave without a trace to avoid discovery? Last from Conor #68

Austin: [Looks from Dur to Clint and back to Joe] Yes. rest Last from dom # 67 affair, and had to leave without a trace to avoid discovery?

Shor: Or perhaps committed a murder and cleaned up the evidence. And the murdered. Last from Colin #68

Luther: [Points at Shor] Exactly! That's far more likely than HARMA officers having some sort of sordid affair!

Charlie: [Squeals in delight] Muuuurder?! How delicious! We shall follow the clues and solve the mystery, just like Herlock Sholmes, Feminist Detective! Last from Heather #70

Linda: Absolutely not! No way! No way, no how, no who, no what, no where, nowhere! Nothing! Last from Conor #71

Clint: [Nods approvingly.]  Agreed!  Besides, everyone knows we should solve the mystery like the real greatest detective, Phillowe Marlip! Last from Tom #72

Linda: [Narrows her eyes and stares coldly at Clint] That's not what I meant and you know it. Even Sherlock knows you people shouldn't be given free rein in Queens View, isn't that right?

Sherlock: No way. No way, no how, no who, no what, no where, nowhere.

Alice: Uh, does that mean you don't agree with her?

Sherlock: Yes!

Charlie: Marvelous! Do we need some sort of paperwork to give us fee movement and access? [Lights up] Perhaps badges?! Last from Heather #74

Austin: Golden Unicorn badges? rest Last from Dom #75

Alice: We don't need no steenkeeng badges!

Joe: As official Special HARMA Information Therapists, you will have free access, however, you will need to wear these special armbands to indicate that you're part of this super secret investigation. [Puts a box of blue armbands on his desk] Last from Conor #76

Austin: [Takes an armband and inspects the workmanship] Do you have rest this in navy blue? Last from Dom #77

Linda: That is navy blue, Princess!

[LUTHER gives AUSTIN a "see what I have to deal with" type look.]

Luther: Unfortunately not, these will have to do.

Charlie: [Takes the armband] Indeed, this is rather garish. One prefers grey, particularly for a secret organization! Last from Heather # 79

Charlie: [Takes the armband] Indeed, this is rather garish. One prefers grey, particularly for a secret organization!

Shor: [Picks up an armband] Do you have any placards with Secret Organisation Snoopers we could carry also? You know, just to make sure everyone knows we're on a secret mission? Last from Colin #80

Austin: [Glances coyly at Linda. To Shor] Surely that would be rest counter productive? Last from dom # 81 counter productive?

Shor: [Shrugs] No more so than these armbands, I'd wager. Last from Colin #82

Linda: [Glares back at Austin] That would be ridiculous, then people would know what's going on. We have a much better system, where someone goes ahead to announce that there is a secret operation and investigation about to take place. That way people know not to get in their way. Last from Conor #83

Clint: Yeah, but our system actually works! [Wears an armband, wench instantly seems to start decomposing] Last from Tom #84

Alice: [Putting on her armband] Weren't we wearing armbands like this in our vision? You know, the one where Luther appeared? Last from Conor #85

Clint: Well, how much do we trust about those visions, anyway?

;;; Look, Clint just wants a chance to be a hired goon for a while! =) Last from Tom #86

Alice: I don't know... sometimes some of the seem to come true!

Charlie: [Muses] Or do WE make them happen because we think they will? Last from Heather #88

Alice: The first time we had them, in Godspark, they pretty much saved our lives, didn't they? Remember, we knew that there was going to be a trap! Last from Conor #89

Austin: [Casually checking his perfect fingernails] They do appear to rest be beneficial, although I am no wealthier from the experience. Last from Dom #90
;;; Colin is out today

Shor: Not true, my friend. You have new friends, new experiences! Exposure to excellent hair! Way better than any tawdry financial wealth!

Charlie: [Eagerly] Not to mention access to cutting edge research in cryptozoology and demonology! [To Shor] Indeed, these are priceless! Last from Heather #92

Alice: [To Shor] I've seen excellenter! [To Austin] Priceless is the same as worthless, right?

Shor: [Ignores Alice and addresses Charlie] Quite right, Dr. Parker-Kensington, people today often fail to appreciate the true worth of the things they take for granted! Last from Conor #93

Austin: [To Alice] In this context, yes. rest Last from Dom #94

Clint: Well, if we're going to reject these armbands, what's our next step? Do we think keeping them is what ultimately leads to disaster? Last from Tom #95

Alice: Unless we're able to anticipate the disaster because we had the visions? visions?

Charlie: But have we really been able to avoid any of the outcomes of these visions thus far? Last from Heather #97

Alice: I don't think we were killed in Nostalgia -- were we? [Looks worried] worried]

Charlie: [Concerned] Good question! Oh, let us do some experiments to determine the answer! [Abruptly attempts to pinch Maplin] Last from Heather #99

[AUSTIN yelps in surprise as CHARLIE successfully pinches MAPLIN.]

Alice: [Worried] Well? Last from Conor # 100

Shor: What if we wear different clothes to those in the vision? Would that change the outcome? Last from Heather #99

Austin: [Swiftly tries to dodge Charlie's assault] What the Hell? rest Last from Conor # 101

Austin: [Furious. Tries to slap Charlie] rest

Charlie: [Tries to dodge the slap] His reaction suggests he remains alive! Interesting! Last from Heather #103

[AUSTIN's slap harmlessly claps CHARLIE on the shoulder.]

Luther: [Steps in front of Austin] Hey. Slapping women is not cool.

Linda: [Steps in front of Luther] On the contrary. I respect a man who stands up for himself.

Alice: [To Charlie] Perhaps, but also that he seems to be dead inside. Last from Conor #104

Austin: [To Luther] So you let people beat you up? [To Alice] What? I rest am in a state of emotional perfection! Last from Dom #105

Luther: [Steps in front of Linda] No.

Alice: [Looks Austin up and down sympathetically] Sure you are, Austin. Sure you are. Last from Conor #106

Austin: Good, I'm glad we are on the same keel. rest

Charlie: [To Joe] What duties do Special HARMA Information Therapist perform? Last from Heather # 109 perform?

Shor: Do they try to prevent people from committing self harma? UVYgTG9nZ2VyDQoNClNpZ24taW4gYXR0ZW1wdCB3YXMgYmxvY2tlZA0KcXVlZW5zdmlld2xvZ0Bn bWFpbC5jb20NClNvbWVvbmUganVzdCB1c2VkIHlvdXIgcGFzc3dvcmQgdG8gdHJ5IHRvIHNpZ24g aW4gdG8geW91ciBhY2NvdW50LiBHb29nbGUNCmJsb2NrZWQgdGhlbSwgYnV0IHlvdSBzaG91bGQg dW50cy5nb29nbGUuY29tL0FjY291bnRDaG9vc2VyP0VtYWlsPXF1ZWVuc3ZpZXdsb2dAZ21haWwu P3JmbiUzRDYlMjZyZm5jJTNEMSUyNmVpZCUzRDE4NDIwOTMxNDMxODkxNjkxMDklMjZldCUzRDAl MjZhc2FlJTNEMj4NCjxodHRwczovL2FjY291bnRzLmdvb2dsZS5jb20vQWNjb3VudENob29zZXI/ RW1haWw9cXVlZW5zdmlld2xvZ0BnbWFpbC5jb20mY29udGludWU9aHR0cHM6Ly9teWFjY291bnQu Z29vZ2xlLmNvbS9kZXZpY2UtYWN0aXZpdHk/cmZuJTNENiUyNnJmbmMlM0QxJTI2ZWlkJTNEMTg0 MjA5MzE0MzE4OTE2OTEwOSUyNmV0JTNEMCUyNmFzYWUlM0QyPg0KDQoNCllvdSByZWNlaXZlZCB0 aGlzIGVtYWlsIHRvIGxldCB5b3Uga25vdyBhYm91dCBpbXBvcnRhbnQgY2hhbmdlcyB0byB5b3Vy DQpHb29nbGUgQWNjb3VudCBhbmQgc2VydmljZXMuDQrCqSAyMDE4IEdvb2dsZSBJbmMuLDE2MDAg QW1waGl0aGVhdHJlIFBhcmt3YXksIE1vdW50YWluIFZpZXcsIENBIDk0MDQzLCBVU0ENCmV0OjYN Cg== Last from me and Colin, 109 and 110, only sent to each other!

Joe: On the contrary, they ensure that only those who truly deserve it gain true self HARMA!

Shor: [Places the armband on his arm] So, what do you need us to do?

Joe: Go with Luther and do your Special HARMA Investigating Thing!
;;; OMG, can anyone ELSE play this game?!

Charlie: Splendid! [To Luther] Please show us to our offices so that we may get our investigatory materials organized! Last from Heather #112

Luther: Certainly! [To the party] To the Organizipoles!]

[Cue stirring music as the party and LUTHER don their armbands and race to the elevator, which opens just in the knick time as they all jump into it in unison, grabbing onto the poles that have mysteriously appeared, sliding down out of view.]

Linda: [Glares after the party] I hate those guys!

Joe: Don't be such a [draws out a square in the air with his fingers] you gotta be groovy, man! [Singing along to the stirring music] Denna denna denna HAR-MA!

;;;; End of scene, next one coming up shortly! Last from me #4.113
[Book X, Act VIII, Scene V. The Organization Room. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, SHOR and LUTHER are here, having just dramatically entered by sliding down the poles. This is a colossal room, with hundreds of people sitting at tiny desks, shuffling through stacks of paper.]

Luther: This is where we get to fill out forms. [Gestures to six tiny desks, each of which has a towering stack of papers on them] Best get started right away, this is an emergency after all. Last from him #05.001

Austin: We love an emergency [Checks his nails, then casually sits rest down at a desk and takes the top form] Last from Dom #2

Alice: [Looking at the stacks, horrified] Really? [Looks at the top form which reads "Form SHIT/014b Request for Permission to Gain Access to Form SHIT/013c pursuant to Regulation HA/16"] What the hell? Last from Conor #3

Dur: Hey, great! I love a free meal! [Takes off the top form and shoves it in his mouth] Last from Kevin #4

Alice: [To Luther] Where does all these forms come from?

Luther: [Watching Dur munch away happily] Mainly recycled toilet paper. Last from Conor #5

Austin: [Disgusted. Lets the form drop to the floor and cleans his rest hands with some travel alcohol hand cleaner] THere must be a short form by which special executives can skip all of this dross? Last from Dom #6

Luther: Only those who have a special connection with the Senior Bureaucrat In Charge get to skip paperwork. Last from Conor #7

Clint: Wouldn't it be faster to just make this special connection? Last from tom # 8

Shor: Indeed and truly. Surely you can't expect this man's arthritic fingers to hold a pen and sign all of these documents! fingers to hold a pen and sign all of these documents!

Charlie: [Nods enthusiastically] Yes, who is this Senior Bureaucrat in Charge? [Excited] Oh, wait! Can we just say it is ME, given the pointlessness of all of our titles? Last from Heather #10

Alice: That's right. Just point him out to us and I'll turn the charm. Before he knows it, it'll have given me the form, his bank PIN and I'll have crashed his carriage while cheating on him with his son. [Rubs her hands together in anticipation] It's gonna be great!

Luther: The Senior Bureaucrat in Charge is Linda. Last from Conor # 11 Before he knows it, it'll have given me the form, his bank PIN and I'll have crashed his carriage while cheating on him with his son. [Rubs her hands together in anticipation] It's gonna be great!

Shor: Well can we ask this Linda person if she can waive all this useless paper work? I'll spend the time doing stomach crunches instead! Last from Tom #12

Dur: [A quarter of the way through his own stack of paperwork] Sooooo..... You won't be eating your own paperwork! Huzzah! Leftovers! Last from Kevin #13

Austin: Well Linda was there when Joe approved the project, and rest assigned it to us, so we can go straight to the executive form! Last from Dom #14

Alice: She hates us!

Luther: Not all of you. Last from Conor #15

Austin: [Looks smug. To Luther] Totes! rest Last from Dom #16

Clint: What if the paperwork gets [airquotes] lost in the mail? Last from dom # 16

Shor: [Mid stomach crunch] Only twenty thousand more to go and then I'm warmed up! So, who does she hate? Last from Tom and Colin #17 On 7 March 2018 at 18:05, Tom Henderson


Alice: Everyone except Austin -- you can tell by the smugness level on his face, which is even higher than normal.

Luther: [To Clint] Then we wait. Last from Conor #18

Austin: Well lets hope it does not get lost in the mail. [Looks for rest the executive form] Last from Dom #19

Alice: So what happens now? Do we need to get Austin tarted up to go and flirt with Linda? Last from Conor #20

Austin: Cross dressing seems unnecessary, [ponders] but it's worth a try. rest

Charlie: [Intrigued] Oh, an experiment! Let us first send Austin in his normal clothes to determine a baseline for Linda's level of attraction to him, and next we can try different approaches to find the one she responds to the most favorably. [Muses, tapping a pencil on a notepad] Now, how to gauge level of attraction? Last from Heather #22

Alice: Go on, Aus, it could be beautiful!

Luther: We could summon Linda and, if she punches him hard in the face, she's probably not interested. Last from Conor # 23 face, she's probably not interested.

Shor: But how will that help get us out of this paperwork? Last from Colin #24

Luther: It won't, it'll increase the amount of paperwork you have to do.

Alice: What happens if she punches him gently in the face?

Luther: Then she's interested.

Charlie: [To the party] Wait, I thought we were seeking a mate for Mr. Sleaze, not attempting to avoid paperwork. Paperwork is terribly satisfying! Last from Conor #25

Austin: That's all fine except the punching part. We will have to rest find another way.

Charlie: [Shakes her head] Goodness, no. Mr. Sleaze would not wish to engage in risky casual coitus, which could result in a paternity suit or the horror of sexually transmitted disease! Last from Heather #28

Alice: But think of the paperwork! Last from Conor #29

Austin: I think it's worth the risk. [Straightens his cuff] rest Last from Dom #30

Luther: [Picks up a tin can attached to a piece of string and speaks into it] Linda, we have three thirty one in progress. [Puts the phone down] That usually gets her here qu-

[LINDA appears, sliding down one of the poles from earlier, and storms up to the party.]

Linda: Right! Which of you has a badger? Last from Conor #31

Austin: [Look suprised] None of us, as far as I know [Looks at the rest others, trying to see if they have any hidden badgers. Stops, thinking] Or is that some form of euphemism that I am not familiar with? Last from dom # 32 others, trying to see if they have any hidden badgers. Stops, thinking] Or is that some form of euphemism that I am not familiar with?

Shor: [Sniffs the air near Clint] Badger, no, skunk, perhaps. Last from Colin #33

Linda: [To Luther] Then why did you call a three thirty one?

Luther: To get you down here.

Alice: [To Austin] Go on! Last from Conor #34

Clint: [Watches with a certain level of satisfaction.]

;;; I can see no possible down side to this plan! =) On 8 March 2018 at 17:40, Tom Henderson

wrote: Last from Tom #35

Austin: [In his best Lawyer form. Ready to dodge or parry any rest incoming. To Linda] As Senior Bureaucrat In Charge, would you be so kind as to as to allow us to use the executive special short form to permit us to collect our materials? Last from Dom #36

[LINDA punches AUSTIN in the face, but doesn't knock him down.]

Alice: I think she likes you! [Two thumbs up]

Charlie: [In great anticipation, looking at Austin] Well? Is it a love match?? Or do you require medical aid at once?! Last from Heather #38

Austin: [Surprised. Tries to jab Linda in the Solar Plexus] What's the hurry? rest Last from Dom #39

[AUSTIN delivers a strong punch to LINDA, who staggers back, with a peculiar look of fury and desire, before leaping onto him, flailing punches on him and causing the two to roll under a desk.]

Alice: It's a love match! Last from Conor # 40 with a peculiar look of fury and desire, before leaping onto him, flailing punches on him and causing the two to roll under a desk.]

Shor: [Knocks against the table, hoping to knock over the stack of forms] Last from Colin #41

[A massive stack of forms falls onto the writhing and punching bodies of AUSTIN and LINDA.]

Alice: I think you need a bigger stack, Shor! Last from Conor #42

Austin: [Goes for a thigh lock and butt bite, with rib tickle] rest Last from Dom #43

Alice: Ew! Are they still being loving?

[The two roll under another desk as LINDA punches AUSTIN in the face and he knees her in the stomach. Suddenly, AUSTIN leaps up, holding a crumpled but filled out form up the party.]

Luther: [Peers at the form] Huh. I guess you can skip the paperwork!

Linda: [Props herself up on one elbow, bleeding from the nose] I think I might need a cigarette.

Charlie: [To Austin, impressed] Efficiently done, Mr. Sleaze! [To Luther] What additional advantages might we gain by bartering the sexual favors of party members? [Crossing her fingers] Access to a proper research library?! Last from Heather #45

Luther: That depends on the party member.

Alice: Hey! Don't look at me! Nothing short of a Irifari carriage and access to a credit card would get me to spend any time more than is strictly necessary with a HARMA officer. Last from Conor #46

Austin: [Lights two cigarettes and passes one to Linda] rest Last from dom # 47

Shor: Was that an example of tough prison love? Last from Colin #48

Alice: Nope. No soap.

[LINDA takes the cigarette and burns through the entire thing in one massive inhale.]

Luther: So, the emergency?

Charlie: Indeed, point us to it, and we shall investigate, now that we have all of our papers in order! Last from Heather # 50 have all of our papers in order!

Shor: Papers in order, arm band adorned and stomach muscles ripped! I'm ready!
;;; Gone for the weekend! Last from Colin #51

Luther: I'll take you to the scene of the crime -- is there any special equipment you need?

Charlie: [Excited] Oh, indeed! We shall need quantities of both sulfuric acid and ozokerite, a dynamometer, a caliper with a graduated bow, at least a dozen notepads and pencils, and a replacement ferrule for my pencil. Last from Heather #53

Luther: [Places a bag with "Special HARMA Investigation Toolkit" written on it in front of Charlie] Of course, but is there anything *special* you need?

Alice: Yay! Ozokite! I love flying those things! Last from Conor # 54 written on it in front of Charlie] Of course, but is there anything *special* you need?

Shor: How about a bucket of very cold water in case those two [gestures towards Austin and Linda] start, um, hunting for documents again? Last from Colin # 55

Austin: [To Shor] What are you complaining about, you didn't even rest have a ticket, Dogger! Last from Dom #56

Luther: It's fine, Linda has a bunch of paperwork to file because of her.... interfacing with Austin.

Alice: Perhaps we should secure the urine of a small boy? [To the party] You know... just in case! Last from Conor #57

Dur: In case of what exactly? Last from Kevin #58

Alice: [Shrugs] The usual... random drug tests, maybe we might want Clint to smell less stinky.... you might be thirsty. Who knows! Last from Conor #59

Austin: [Grimaces] I think we are at less risk without it. rest Last from Dom #60

Alice: Feeling thirsty? Last from Conor #61

Austin: Not in the least. You? rest Last from Dom #62

Alice: [Looks Dur up and down] Not anymore. Dur, you disgust me! Last from Conor #63

Clint: Just wait until he has to perform life-saving surgery! Last from Tom #64

Alice: Why? Will he need the urine then?

Charlie: [Exasperated] Can we all just agree we do NOT need urine?! Let us instead focus on investigatory tools that will help us become better detectives, such as my very useful list of equipment needs! Last from. Heather # 66 us instead focus on investigatory tools that will help us become better detectives, such as my very useful list of equipment needs!

Shor: I'm not sure how a kite is supposed to detective work! Last from Colin #67

Clint: Well said, Goldilocks! What real detective work needs is boots on the ground and a willingness to bend the rules and crack a few skulls to get the job done! Last from Tom #68

Austin: [Distracted by Maplin] Yes, they are the best, they never rest catch the real suspect! [Gasps] I mean they always get their man! Last from Dom #69

Luther: There'll be no indiscriminate skull cracking and forced confessions with me in charge. [Glares at Clint]

Alice: Are you in charge?

Luther: Alas, no, I spend most of my time investigating allegations of skull cracking and forced confessions. However, let us repair to the janitor's closet to further our investigation.

;;; End of scene, next one coming right up Last from me #6.70
[Book X, Act VIII, Scene VI. The Janitor's Closet. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, SHOR and LUTHER are gathered outside a door, somewhere deep in the prison.]

Alice: Where's the janitor?

Luther: In the hospital. Last from Conor # 1 AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, SHOR and LUTHER are gathered outside a door, somewhere deep in the prison.]

Shor: Was his skull cracked? Last from Colin #2

Luther: [Nods darkly] Aye... just before he confessed.

Charlie: How barbaric! We shall have no such incidences, with all of our modern crime-solving equipment to aid us! [Shakes her bag of crime-solving materials gleefully] Now, shall we dust his crushed skull for prints?! Last from Heather #4

Luther: I don't have his crushed skull with me, you understand. He is recovering in the hospital. His skull is still attached to his body. Last from Conor # 5 recovering in the hospital. His skull is still attached to his body.

Shor: We were just verifying if you were using the term "recovering in hospital" in the same way as others use "gone to a farm in the country". Last from Colin # 6

Austin: [Frowns] What kind of others do you hang out with? They sound rest like a very odd bunch.

;;; away for the rst of the day Last from Dom #7

Luther: [Gravely to Shor] No, I don't hold with that sort of lack of precision. [Pause] Now, turn the doodad on the doohickey and let's do some investigating. Last from Conor #8

Dur: [Looking around the office for the doodad] Um... could you perhaps be a little MORE precise? Last from Kevin #9

Alice: He means the whatcha may call it on the door! Last from Conor # 10

Shor: [Examines the door in great detail] Aha! [Tries pulling fiercely on the handle] the handle]

Charlie: [Applauding] How marvelous! Nothing can stop us now! Last from Heather #12

[The door swings open, revealing the most immaculate looking janitor's closet that anyone has ever seen.]

Luther: See what I mean? Last from Conor #13

Clint: Yeah! This can't be right! [Checks to make sure there's not even a tasteless calendar he can confiscate] Last from Tom #14

[CLINT scans over the walls, not able to hide his disappointment at finding a calendar title "Pictures of non-threatening kittens, puppies and forest scenes."]
Last from Conor #15

Clint: [Shudders.] Some dark force is at work here.

Charlie: [Opens the calendar excitedly] Oooh, look at January! Isn't it precious?! [Shows the party a picture of a cat standing next to a snowman, knee-deep snow and looking at the camera with pure, raw hatred] Last from Heather # 17 precious?! [Shows the party a picture of a cat standing next to a snowman, knee-deep snow and looking at the camera with pure, raw hatred]

Shor: [Looks at the picture] I especially like the way Ms Bitey has clawed the snowmans eyes out and diced the carrot nose to shreds! Last from Colin #18

Clint: Yeah, well, I'm sure he had it coming. Last from Tom #19

Austin: It was never proven that Ms. Bitey was responsible. In fact, I have it on good account that after her acquittal the police gave up on trying to solve the case. In fact, one could consider it a.... cold case.

Alice: [Roars with laughter] Oh my god, Aus! Do you see what you did there? You said it's a *cold* case, but it's about a.... snowman!

Austin: [Sighs] So I did. Last from Conor # 20 have it on good account that after her acquittal the police gave up on trying to solve the case. In fact, one could consider it a.... cold case. there? You said it's a *cold* case, but it's about a.... snowman!

Shor: I'd imagine after her aquital, Ms Bitey was [pauses for dramatic effect] feline fine! effect] feline fine!

Charlie: [Giggling] Purrrrfect, in fact! [To Alice, explaining] You see, cats can manipulate their vocal cords to produce a purring sound, indicating contentment. [Nods encouragingly] It's a hilarious and well-executed pun! Last from Heather #22

Alice: Is it? Is it, really? Last from Conor #23

Austin: But cat-astrophically badly delivered! rest Last from Dom #24

Luther: As you can see, the cleanliness of the closet clearly suggests that someone other than the janitor has been here, covering their tracks. Last from Conor # 25 that someone other than the janitor has been here, covering their tracks.

Shor: Just like Ms Bitey no doubt, hiding her tracks in the snow. [Examines the closet for any clues] [Examines the closet for any clues]

Charlie: [Begins eagerly examining the room. To Luther] But surely janitors are tidy by nature? Last from Heather #27

Luther: A common misconception based on the evidence left behind them in their place of charge; they are, in their private lives, notoriously unkempt, unclean and, in some cases, downright untidy. Last from Conor #28

Austin: Who Cleans for the Cleaner? What hope has everyone else, if rest the cleaners cleaner does not clean! Last from Dom #29

Alice: On the contrary, they are too busy cleaning for other people to clean for themselves! [Starts searching through various drawers] Last from Conor #30

Austin: [Also starts searching through the room] How do you know so rest much about cleaners? Last from Dom #31

Dur: [To Luther] Have you ever been in here before the suspected crime took place? Are you certain this place was a mess? Can't we simply ask the janitor themselves? took place? Are you certain this place was a mess? Can't we simply ask the janitor themselves?

Charlie: [To Dur] Is he the one with the crushed skull? Last from Heather #33

Clint: I have to agree with Luther here - no way is this a janitor's closet in its native state! At least it gives us somewhere to start. Maybe we should search it, see if anything's missing or something. Last from Tom #34

Austin: Or perhaps a secret access way, a trap door or some such rest [Searches all four walls, ceiling and floor] Last from dom # 35 [Searches all four walls, ceiling and floor]

Shor: [Looking at everyone wedged into the closet] Surprisingly spacious though! Last from Dom #35

Luther: His skull isn't crushed, it is cracked. However, he is unconscious. Last from Colin and me #36

Alice: [Sprawled out on a couch in the middle of the closet] Kinda makes you wonder why everyone in the office out there is so squashed, doesn't it? [Nods out to the main office outside where people are so crammed together that they are literally cheek to cheek]

[AUSTIN discovers that one of the panels in the wall has come loose.]

Luther: [Glances out to the tiny office, which is about the size one would expect a small janitor's closet to be] True, it does seem needlessly cramped considering how large the closet is! Last from Conor #37

Clint: At least that provides us with motive! Last from Tom #37

Austin: [Removes the loose wall panel] And we might have a clue too! rest

;;;awa hame Last from Dom #39

Alice: [Clicking through the channels on the 72" flat screen TV] Man, 500 channels and they're all showing programmes either about judges, god or HARMA! [Turns it off and joins Austin] It looks like there's a passageway here! Last from Conor #40

Dur: What kind of janitor has a secret passageway? Last from Kevin #41

Alice: The kind with a crushed skull? Last from Conor #42

Dur: [Frowning] As a doctor, I can attest that the two are not mutually exclusive. Anything can crush a skull. Why many of my patients came in with completely unrelated symptoms and ended up still leaving my office with crushed or cracked skulls!

Charlie: [Excited] Oh, I do so enjoy the thrilling rush of entering a secret passage! [To the party, charging ahead] Follow me, group! Last from Heather and Kevin #43

Luther: [To Alice] It's not crushed, it's cracked!

[CHARLIE peers into the passageway, which is pitch dark and clearly extends both left and right.]
Last from Conor #44

Clint: Anyone got a torch handy? [Roots around in his pockets for a lighter and a cheap cigar.] Last from tom # 46 lighter and a cheap cigar.]

Shor: [Checks around for a torch or lantern] Last from Tom #45

Luther: I have one. [Takes out an inexplicably large torch]

Alice: Oh my! It's so big!

Charlie: [Looks at the torch admiringly] Indeed, just what is needed to thoroughly explore these dark passages! [Attempts to grab the torch and peer to left and right] Let us see which direction seems most promising! Last from Heather #467

Austin: Will you be creating a map as you go Sarge? It could come in rest handy later.

Charlie: [Peering down the hall, whispers back] Excellent idea, Mr. Sleaze! Alice, could you loan Dur a crayon so that he might map our route? Last from Heather #50

Austin: [Sighs] Ah well, it was a good idea. [Wait to see Dur eating rest the crayon] Last from Dom #51

Alice: No way, Charlie! My once-blue crayon never recovered from its journey up his nose! Let's just rely on our keen sense of direction not to get lost! [Looks out the door] Hey, it's plenty bright in here.

Luther: [To Alice's back] Actually, that's back into the office. The passageway is here.

Charlie: [To Alice] Very well, loan your crayon to Mr. Sleaze, then. [To Austin, with a sigh] Good help is SO hard to find these days! Last from Heather # 53

Charlie: [To Alice] Very well, loan your crayon to Mr. Sleaze, then. [To Austin, with a sigh] Good help is SO hard to find these days!

Shor: Oh come now, we hardly need a map! There's two directions, left and right, how hard can that be to remember! Last from Colin #54

Dur: I concur! Perhaps I need to prescribe something for this group’s memory retention. [To Shor] Errr…. What was your name again? Last from Kevin #55 =99s memory retention. [To Shor] Errr=E2=80=A6. What was your name again?

Alice: This is why you can't be trusted with crayons, Dur! [Hands a bluish green crayon to Austin] That and the whole nostril thing, of course! Last from Conor #56

Austin: [Yelps invountarily and jumps back wards away from the rest crayon] Get that away from me! Last from Dom #57

Alice: [Slowly moves the crayon around, which makes a weird lightsaber type sound] Oh please, everyone knows the nostrils are a sterile environment. Dur told me so! Last from Conor # 58 type sound] Oh please, everyone knows the nostrils are a sterile environment. Dur told me so!

Shor: Well, I, Shor Goldenhair, hero, deem he certainly seems to be a medical genius, so I would trust him implicitly! Last from Colin #59

Dur: Finally someone in the group believes in me! He’s the only one of you with any sense, whatever his name is… Last from Kevin #60 ne of you with any sense, whatever his name is=E2=80=A6

Alice: [Reassuringly] Aw, Dur! I believe in you -- even when people said you were too ridiculous and pathetic to be real, I believed! I mean, sure, you're a dangerously incompetent medical practitioner, but that doesn't mean I don't believe you exist!

Charlie: [Nods encouragingly] We all believe you exist, Dur! That is why the group has an extensive protocol [whips out a massive binder marked DUR DISASTERS] for handling with any possible disaster we think you might bring about. [To Shor, in a low voice] The section on sandwich-related disasters has been a godsend! Last from Heather #62

Alice: At least, it was until he saw a picture of a particularly disgusting looking sandwich on one of the pages and immediately ate it! Last from Conor #63

Clint: It's good for him!  Gets more roughage in his diet.

;;; Poor Dur! Last from Tom #64

Luther: [Waving his enormous torch from one side to the other] Left? Or Right? Right?

Charlie: [Decisively] Right! [Strides toward the right with confidence] Last from Heather # 66

Shor: Ha, good call, I was about to suggest the same direction myself!

Charlie: [To Shor, pleased] Yes, it seems a promising direction, doesn't it? I mean, how can one go wrong with [finger quotes] right? Last from Heather # 68

Austin: THat depends on what you 'left' behind! rest Last from Dom #69

Alice: Or if there's a Fiery Pit Of Death on the right. [To Luther] Is there a Fiery Pit Of Death on the right?

Luther: I don't know.

Alice: We're all gonna die!

[SHOR and CHARLIE lead the way, followed by LUTHER and ALICE, with AUSTIN ahead of CLINT and DUR. The passage continues for a good thirty feet before disappearing into darkness.]

Luther: [Lights up the floor with his torch] Look, it's all perfectly clean, well, aside from those bit of green crayon, of course. Other than that, it is suspiciously clean for a secret passage, isn't it?

Alice: Maybe people clean up after themselves on the way to the Fiery Pit Of Death? Last from Conor # 70 there a Fiery Pit Of Death on the right?

^Alice: We're all gonna die! with AUSTIN ahead of CLINT and DUR. The passage continues for a good thirty feet before disappearing into darkness.] clean, well, aside from those bit of green crayon, of course. Other than that, it is suspiciously clean for a secret passage, isn't it? Pit Of Death?

Shor: Perhaps they are dragged along the passage by their feet, thereby sweeping the floor en route! Last from Colin # 71

Austin: [Looks horrified] Surely not! what a grotesque for m of rest torture, shurely there is a law against that? [Starts check a big book] Last from Dom #72

Alice: [To Shor] Dragged to the Fiery Pit Of Death, you mean? Last from Conor # 71

Shor: [Nods] By their feet! [Shudders] Their hair covered in swept up cobwebs! Last from Colin #72

Alice: Maybe we should have gone to the left? Last from Conor #73

Clint: You guys can't really be worried about fiery hells and so on, can you? Just think of where all we've been over the years! Fiery hell doesn't sound that bad compared to some of it! Last from Tom #74

Alice: It's not a fiery hell, it's a Fiery Pit of Death!

Luther: I think we're here.

Alice: At the Fiery Pit of Death?

Luther: No, at a ladder leading down into the foundations. Last from Conor #75

Dur: Maybe we've stumbled upon a secret society of janitors and their secret underground meeting halls? Last from Conor # 75

Shor: Oh dear, now we add down and up to the whole left and right situation. This is getting complicated! Last from Colin# 76

Austin: We're sorry it's so complicated for you [Carefully starts rest going down the ladder, checking sturdyness and for traps] Follow me! Last from Dom #77

Alice: [Peering down into the darkness that no doubt contains a Fiery Pit of Death] Well, we've come this far, I suppose!

[LUTHER climbs onto the ladder after AUSTIN, his torch showing that the ladder descends several storeys.]
Last from Conor #78

Clint: At least the ladder is probably hygienic! [Climbs on down.] Last from tom # 79

Shor: The ladder might explain the crushed skull, though. [Starts going down] Last from Tom #79

Austin: That's why I wanted to get on this before you, Stinky. rest Last from Dom #80

Alice: But what if he falls and lands on you, Aus? Last from Conor #81

Austin: [Looks at the vast drop] Good point, I could not bear to be rest seen dead in such a detestable condition! [Starts climbing down swiftly]

;;; off out for the rest of the day :)

Charlie: [Starts down the ladders after Austin, calling down to the party members who have already descended] What do you see down there? Last from Heather #83

Austin: [Who's a considerable distance down, with Luther struggling to catch up] Nothing yet, other than the fact that this goes very far down!

Luther: It possibly goes all the way to the basement, and we were on the 40th floor. Last from Conor #84

Dur: It's still bound to be faster than the elevator! Last from Kevin #85

Alice: Oh man, a long ladder like this is no friend of a girl in a short, flouncy skirt.

Luther: [Looks up] Ew! All I can see is grey!

Alice: Hey! It's laundry day, these are the only pair I had that were clean! [Quickly changing the subject] I sure hope we don't have to get back up in a hurry! Last from Conor # 86 short, flouncy skirt. clean! [Quickly changing the subject] I sure hope we don't have to get back up in a hurry!

Shor: Just think of the wonderful workout your legs will get if we do! Last from Colin #87

Alice: Hey! My legs are super muscly! [Shows off her leg muscles, accidentally losing her shoe as she does] Gah!

[The shoe manages to hit each of CHARLIE, SHOR, LUTHER and AUSTIN on the way down.]

Austin: Stop that at once! I could have been killed!

[Inexplicably, the shoe hits each of DUR and CLINT too, even though they are above ALICE.]

Alice: Don't blame me! It's Shor's fault!

Charlie: [Sharply] Shor! Do stop ogling Alice's legs! Last from Heather # 89

Shor: It's difficult to ogle anything with a shoe practically lodged in my eye! Last from Colin #90

Clint: [Gleefully] Doc! Sounds like you'll need to do a little eye surgery!

;;; Sent just to Colin by mistake. Last from Tom # 91

Shor: I can think of no better or safer pair of hands that my injury would be in than our esteemed doctor! Last from Colin #92

Alice: I don't know, Shor, I'm not sure he can be trusted not to damage it even further. [Gets a little upset] And you know.. [chokes back a tear] that is one of my favourite shoes!

Charlie: [To Alice, horrified] Here, I have a spare pair you can borrow, so hold yourself together! [Hands Alice a thoroughly sensible pair of black loafers] Last from Heather #94

Alice: What, is it ... shoe washing day?

Charlie: [Hesitantly] Well, Dur normally washes them, but you are welcome to take a turn if it will calm your nerves. [To Dur, primly] A little competition will do you good. One cannot expect to just receive coppers for substandard work, after all. Last from Heather #96

Austin: [To Alice] I think you should send them to your butler. It's rest what he's there for. Last from Dom #97

Alice: Hopefully he'll do a good job -- after all, I only have another six pairs of them!

[Eventually, the ladder comes to an end, and the party can see that the corridor extends off into the distance in both directions as before.]
Last from Conor #98

Austin: [Steps off hte ladder and move to a safe distance from rest falling objects. Sees Alice's shoe. To Alice] What is your favourite designer? I Don't recgonise that style. Last from Conor #99

Dur: Those were shoes?! I thought they were tiny little toilets... Last from Kevin #100

Alice: [To Austin] Chimmy Shoo, of course! He has the perfect combination of gorgeousness and comfort. They are so soft and warm and ... [looks at Dur, disgusted] hey! Last from Conor #101

Austin: I would recommend getting a new pair, and maintainig a safe rest distance of at least one meter, from these ones. Last from Dom #102

Alice: [Kicks them over to Dur] Please destroy them. Last from Conor #103

Dur: But why? You never know when a portable mini toilet might come in handy! Last from Kevin #104

Alice: Let's get out of here before I feel the need to barf into the portable mini toilet. [To the less disgusting members of the party] Which way? Last from Conor # 105 portable mini toilet. [To the less disgusting members of the party] Which way?

Shor: Well, right again, I think. Last from Colin #106

Luther: To the Fiery Pit Of Death it is!

[Exit the party, stage right.]

;;; end of scene, next one coming up on FRIDAY. Stuck in a meeting all day tomorrow Last from me #6.107
[Book X, Act VIII, Scene VII. The Basement Passageway. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, SHOR and LUTHER are here, squeezing along a tight passage.]

Luther: Stop! Can you hear that?

Alice: [Noisily eating some crisps] No.

Charlie: [Listening alertly, whispering] It sounds a bit like heavy footsteps on crisp Autumn leaves! [Listens further] And a peculiar slurping, smacking sound, something like an animal with drool-control problems grooming its fur sloppily? Last from Heather #2

Alice: [Crunching another one] Oh man! I can't hear anything!

Charlie: [Gasps] It seems to be getting closer--and louder! [To Austin] Can you hear it? Last from Conor #4

Austin: [Has Maplin's sleeve rolled up, massaging Maplin with Jojoba rest conditioning balm] No. Last from Dom #5

Luther: [Raising his voice to be heard over the crunching of crisps and squelching of Jojoba conditioning balm] There's definitely something! Last from Conor # 6

Shor: It sounds like some evil creature munching bones and sucking out all the marrow! Last from Colin #7

Alice: [Offering Shor a crisp] Sounds scary! Last from Conor # 8

Shor: [Takes the crisp and crunches loudly] Mmm, sour grapes flavour! Last from Colin #9

Dur: Hopefully, if there are any monsters down here, they will be attracted to the “seasoned” adventurers first. Last from Kevin #10

Clint: That's why we should all be carrying little packages of spices in her pockets! Worst comes to worst, we season someone else, then run like hell! her pockets! Worst comes to worst, we season someone else, then run like hell!

Charlie: [To Clint] Do be serious! Most monsters prefer their meat unseasoned and unwashed. Last from Heather #12

Alice: Then we're safe -- we're all either seasoned or unwashed! Last from Conor #13

Clint: Heck, in that case... Onward! I'm sure we'll come across whatever foul creature was making that disgusting noise soon enough! Last from Tom #14

Luther: [Turns and glares at the party] The disgusting creature making that noise was them! There's a different noise -- if people could stop eating vile fried snack foods and lubing themselves up, you could hear it. Last from Conor #15

Austin: Sussh! rest Last from Dom # 16

Shor: I think you might have punctured your arm. Last from Colin #17

Luther: [Turns and glares at the party, before lighting a second torch and handing one to each of Alice and Austin] Listen! Can you hear it now?

[There's a definite sound of dripping up ahead.]

Charlie: [Excited] Oh, yes! I hear it now. Nothing to worry about. Likely it is just an excess of hair product! [Looks pointedly at Austin, Shor, and Alice] Last from Heather #19

Alice: Does it mean that there's a well-groomed assassin waiting for us up ahead? [Gestures with her torch] Isn't that where it's coming from? Last from Conor #20

Austin: Someone incredibly brave and valiant shoyuld go and take a rest look. [Looks at the others] But not me, I'm busy right now [Puts his Jojoba oil away and wipes Maplin down with a pristine white coth] Last from Dom #21

Alice: I sure hope that your oil isn't flammable, Aus!

Charlie: [Eagerly] I shall investigate! Last from Heather #23

Luther: [To the others] The rest of you can stay here waiting marrow sucking, bone munching monster to kill you.

[LUTHER joins CHARLIE, quickly followed by ALICE.]

Alice: Er, I think I'll go with them.

Luther: [Spots something up ahead] Stop! [Glances back] I think we have a problem. Last from Conor # 24 sucking, bone munching monster to kill you. have a problem.

Shor: We certainly do! Naked flames and hair care products rarely go well together! Last from Colin #25

Luther: How about massive fireballs and hair care products? Last from Conor # 26

Shor: Usually the same result! Just like that balladeer Jichael Mackson, his head went up like a matchstick! Last from Colin # 27

Austin: What is the fireball doing? Is it coming this way? rest

Charlie: [Yelps and hits the ground] Duck, everyone!! Last from Heather #29

Luther: [Calmly] It's not a fireball yet, but when it gets here we'll be balder than the bald balladeer. And also dead.

Alice: You seem very calm about all of this.

Luther: I'm cool. I'm always cool.

Alice: Even with imminent death?

Luther: Of course.

Alice: Or that if you do survive you'll be all bald and scabby?

Luther: [Shrugs] Doesn't bother me.

Alice: What about the big spider looming over your shoulder?

Luther: [Screams like a little girl] Aiiiieeeeee! Gettimoffame! Last from Conor #30

Austin: [Dives on top of Charlie, to avoid getting his suit dirty] rest I'll save you! Last from Dom #31

Dur: [Scrambling to get out of the way] Every man for himself! Save the Doctors and Cowards first! And I'm both! Last from Kevin #32

[DUR immediately falls over AUSTIN and CHARLIE, landing on top of AUSTIN, squashing a pants sandwich onto his nice suit.]

Luther: [Calming down] There's no need to panic! Last from Conor #33

Clint: [Using the Charlie/Austin/Dur pile-up as a human shield] Well that's a relief! Last from Tom #34

Alice: You coward!

Luther: You'll need a better shield than that. Come on, let's see if we can defuse the bomb.

Alice: Bomb? [Leaps down alongside Clint] What bomb? I thought you said fireball!

Luther: The fireball will be created by the bomb.

Alice: Oh, [stands up] that's way less scary. Last from Conor #35

Dur: Errr... how long do we have? Last from Kevin #36

Luther: We can either go and look or cower here and waste time. Which do you want?

[The party discuss this between themselves.]

Alice: Past experience would suggest that we should first cower here and waste time and only then go and look! Last from Kevin #36

Austin: [Screaming in agony at the squashed pants sandwhich on his rest suit] Get it off meeee! [Jumps out of his suit. Looks relieved] Last from dom # 37 suit] Get it off meeee! [Jumps out of his suit. Looks relieved]

Shor: Let's check out this bomb, then! Time, and I presume the bomb timer, is ticking. Unless of course its activated by a pressure switch. Or the receipt of a carrier pigeon! timer, is ticking. Unless of course its activated by a pressure switch. Or the receipt of a carrier pigeon!

Charlie: [Eagerly] Oh, I do hope it is a carrier pigeon! [Modestly] As a girl, I trained carrier pigeons to deliver my monthly newsletter [spreads her hands dramatically] Science Enthusiast! to my loyal subscribers! Last from Heather #39

Alice: Oooooh! That's a bit like the magazine I used sell -- Snooty Mansion Monthly. Daddy wanted all of us to have after school jobs. I trained servants to deliver them to the subscribers... and to get the subscribers... and to collect the money... and to write the magazine. Character forming, I can tell you!

Luther: It is not carrier pigeon, it sounds like it is gravity. That dripping sound is probably a chemical being slowly mixed with another one. If we get there on time we can stop it! Last from Conor #40

Clint: No more dawdling, then. [Leads the way toward the dripping sound.] Last from Tom #41

[The party follow slowly until they encounter what looks like a hugely complex piece of chemistry equipment, with multiple tubes of liquid connected in all sorts of fiendishly complex ways, slowly dripping into one large bucket that is filled with chunks of metal.]
Last from Conor #42

Austin: [Carefully puttingon a new suit] It looks like something that rest Panse made. [TO Luther] How do you know that htis is a bomb?

Charlie: [Peers into the bucket] Indeed, it seems rather careless to leave it unattended! Last from Heather #44

Luther: It's a timed device -- once the concentration of the chemicals gets to the right level, it will explode.

Charlie: [Pulls her head back quickly] Oh! [Takes a look at the tubes] Perhaps we should first move the bucket away--very carefully!--and try to shut off the flow of tubes. Last from Heather #46

Dur: [To Luther] You certainly seem to know a lot about a bomb that we just happened to randomly encounter… Last from Kevin # 47

Dur: [To Luther] You certainly seem to know a lot about a bomb that we just

Shor: Perhaps it will explode if the correct mix of chemicals isn't reached! Last from Colin #48

Luther: [To Dur] I do.

Alice: [To Shor] But surely at some stage it'll overflow? We probably do need to get Charlie to move the bucket!

Charlie: [Eyes the bucket carefully and gently gives it a test nudge. Anxiously] Did anyone see a spark or smoke?! Last from Heather #50

Clint: Nope! Say, what happens if Dur just drinks the chemicals? Last from Tom #51

Austin: [To Clint] Why don't you just kick the bucket, into the rest darkness, Mr Scar? Last from Dom #52

Clint: Because the sarge here will complain about how untidy it is? Last from Tom #53

Luther: Or maybe the sparks from the shrapnel inside it will ignite the chemicals, killing us all in the ensuing explosion?

[CHARLIE gives the bucket a tiny nudge, indicating that it will be possible to move it, although it is quite heavy.]

Alice: What do we do? Will we just grab it and throw it somewhere? Last from me #54

[Plop! One of the liquids drips into the bucket, causing everyone to jolt in surprise.]
Last from Conor # 55

Shor: Let's move this bucket as carefully as possible! [Takes a hold of the bucket and pushes] Last from Colin #56

[The bucket moves a tiny bit, causing the liquid to slosh dangerously close to the top.]

Alice: [Covers her eyes, peeking out through her fingers] Maybe you should lift it? Last from Conor # 57

> [The bucket moves a tiny bit, causing the liuid to slosh

Shor: [Attempts to lift and move the bucket]

Last from Colin #58
[SHOR grunts and groans, but does manage to get the bucket off the ground.]

Alice: Great! Now, quickly, run outside with it! You can make it up the ladder carrying the bucket, right?

Charlie: [Assists Shor in hefting the bucket] We need not take it with us! We just need to stop the flow of liquid. Now, let us move this aside and then disable the dripping device! Last from Heather #60

Alice: But what if it explodes? Wouldn't it be better if it did so outside? outside?

Charlie: Yes, but how can we possibly take it back up the ladder? [Skeptically] Could we tie a rope to it and pull it back up? Last from Heather #62

Alice: Hey, you're the ones who wanted to bring it up the ladder! I just wanted to run away screaming like Austin does! Last from Conor #63

Austin: Hey! [Looks at the others] Alice is clearly referring to a rest different Austin. Last from Dom #64

Alice: Suuuure!

[The bucket is now moved away from the dripping, which is landing on the floor.]

Shor: Alright, bucket successfully moved. What now? Last from Colin #66

Luther: Now we hope that there wasn't enough of the chemicals in the bucket that we're passed the point of no return! Last from Conor #67

Dur: [Looking around nervously] How will we know? Last from Kevin #68

Luther: First there will be some small bubbles in the mixture.

[Everyone peers into the bucket. There are some tiny bubbles.]

Luther: Then a strange grinding sound as the chemicals begin to interact.

[Clunk, grind. There is an unmistakable sound coming from within the bucket.]

Alice: Then what happens?

Luther: [Stepping back slowly] Chemical reaction! Last from Conor #69

Dur: Should we run for it?! [Looking around for somewhere to take cover] Last from Kevin #70

Alice: Didn't we all see an explosion in a vision when we were on the train? With Luther? And we were all wearing these armbands?

;;; This is true, except they weren't in a passageway, they were in a room with wooden stairs leading up Last from Conor #71

Austin: I believe that running is a good plan. Whilst I am far from rest being an expert on the subject matter I fully embrace and engage with the current plan to learn more about it [Starts running, away from where they entered] Run! Last from Dom #72

Clint: Unless we can stop the reaction, I agree with the lawyer!

Charlie: [Modestly] I certainly do not know how, and if I do not, all is lost! [Urgently] Run!! Take cover! Last from Heather #74

Alice: [To Luther] Is there some way we can get into a room from here? Somewhere with wooden stairs?

[Everyone starts running along the passageway, the torches lighting up the wooden panelling.]

Luther: [Thinks] The only rooms down this low are storage rooms, filled with wooden cupboards. Last from Conor #75

Clint: Bomb-proof wooden cupboards? Last from tom # 76

Shor: Perhaps one of the cupboards contains a concealed staircase? Last from Colin #77

Alice: How do we get into one from here? All I see is this wooden panelling and [turns to the other wall] rock! [Turns to Clint and jumps back] Ew! And sweaty barbarian!

Charlie: [Poking and prodding the panels] Are any of these concealed doors, perhaps? Last from Heather #79

[There's a definite hollow sound to the panel.]

Alice: Yeesh, that's some fairly shoddy workmanship, isn't it? [Taps another area with her sword] The whole thing is just wood, there's no actual wall there! Last from Conor #80

Austin: [Looks for a way to open it] Perhaps the sweaty barbarian can rest apply some of his dainty footwork to it? Last from Dom #81

Alice: Yeah, we probably need to give him words of --

[Crash! CLINT barges through ALICE and AUSTIN and applies some dainty footwork to the panelling, smashing right through.]

Alice: [To Austin] Well, that was rude! Not as much as a by-your-leave! Honestly, in my day barbarians were an entirely more polite hoard. Last from Conor #82

Austin: [Frowns] It's probably due to insane funding cuts to their rest education system. Last from Dom #83

Alice: [Tuts disapprovingly] Almost certainly, but, you know, it is somewhat understandable. Give them the ability to read and the next thing one knows, they've discovered movable type and are printing badly copied leaflets advertising that the landlord's attractive daughter is often seen bogling in the window late at night having raided the vodka.

Charlie: [To Alice, wisely] Indeed, in my experience reading and writing only makes the underclasses unhappy. It is far safer for their superiors to keep them informed. Last from Heather # 85

Shor: [Attempts to prise wooden boards from the wall with his sword] There's only one word worth reading at the moment! [Scrawls BOMB on the wooden wall] Last from Colin # 86

Austin: [To Alice] Sounds great! [Tries to get into the space opened rest up but the booting]

;;; awa for the rest of the day Last from Dom #87

Alice: That's just what the barbarians said, Aus!

[CLINT boots the hole a bit bigger as SHOR prises more boards off, allowing AUSTIN to enter the closet, which he does so as though he has just led a daring raid on enemy territory.]

Austin: [Standing inside the closet] Wait! [Turns back] There's a door here. Maybe someone should open it? Last from Conor #88

Dur: [poking his head inside the closet] Are you volunteering? Last from Kevin #89

Austin: Certainly not! [Straightens a cuff] Lacking as I am in the physical bulk of say, a Clint or an Alice, or in the expendability of yourself or Shor, I generally prefer to defer to the recklessness and foolhardiness of one such as Charlie. [Claps his hands] Quickly now! One of you should [gives a little push to emphasise the motion] shove the door aside as soon as possible. That bomb won't wait all day, you know!

Charlie: [Eagerly] Oh, I shall open the door! I do love the thrill of the unknown, revealing itself like a wondrous mystery before my very eyes! [Hurries to open the door] Last from Heather #91

Austin: [To Dur] See how she knows her place?

[CHARLIE pushes the door open to reveal a large room with stairs leading up. This is definitely the same room the party saw in the vision with LUTHER.]
Last from Conor #92

Clint: Well. In we all go! Hurry it up or I might have to do sweatily barbaric things! Last from Tom #93

Austin: Would that be so bad? After all, Mr. Scar, what other purpose do you serve?

[Enter ALL into the room.]

;;; End of scene, next one coming right up! Last from me #7.94
[Book X, Act VIII, Scene VIII. The Basement. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, SHOR and LUTHER are here, having all come through the closet, which LUTHER shuts after him.]

Alice: Phew! Although, why would they put a bomb out there when they could just as easily have put it in here where it would do more damage? Last from Conor #1

Clint: Because on average, criminals are stupid? Last from Tom #2

Austin: Clearly, Mr. Scar, you have been spending time with the wrong sort of criminal. It seems quite incredible that the ones in this instance would have gone to such lengths to avoid detection only to plant their device in such an ineffectual location.

Charlie: So we are dealing with criminals who have excellent planning--but poor execution--skills? Last from Heather #4

Dur: If this is the room we saw in our visions…. Shouldn’t we be anywhere BUT in this room? Last from Kevin # 5 we be anywhere

Shor: better here in one piece than out there in a million! Last from Colin #6

Alice: True. I mean, it's not like that outside wall is protecting us from anything is it? Last from Conor #7

Dur: But the vision! Last from Kevin #8

;;; Heather is afk today

Charlie: Use your words, Dur. Try to form full sentences to convey what you mean. [Enticingly holds up a shiny copper piece] There could be a treat for you! Last from. Conor # 9

Shor: Perhaps we should move as far away from a potential blast as we can! can!

Charlie: Excellent idea! [Looks for a promising exit]

;;; Sneaking in a post while I can! Last from Heather #11

Alice: How about up those stairs?

[Enter LINDA, walking down the stairs that ALICE is pointing at.]

Linda: Where is this so-called bomb?

Alice: The bombers are a bunch of idiots! It's not even this room! It's between this and the wall!

Linda: [Pales] The outside wall? That protects us from hoards of demons and devils?

Alice: [To the party] Oh. Maybe that's why they put it beside the wall? Last from Conor #12

Clint: How diabolical! If only someone knew something about defusing bombs! Last from Tom #13

Austin: If only [Looks around the others] Anyone? rest Last from dom # 14

Shor: Well, we did move the bucket! Last from Colin

Charlie: Perhaps, but we MEANT well! That counts for something, doesn't it, group? [Nods encouragingly to the party] Last from Heather # 17

Charlie: Perhaps, but we MEANT well! That counts for something, doesn't

Shor: Absolutely! Why would we want to blow ourselves up? [Thinks for a moment, to Linda] How did you know we would be here. In this secret passage? Last from Colin #18

Linda: [To Charlie] No it doesn't, that just makes it even worse! [To Shor] This isn't a secret passage, you moron. It's a basement!

Alice: Hey! How could she make it worse when you just said that moving the bomb was the worst thing we could have done?

Linda: [Narrows her eyes] You're just making things worse.

Charlie: It is a valid point, though. How can we achieve success if you keep changing the goal? It is very demoralizing, I must say! Last from Heather #20

Austin: [Worriedly] If the bomb goes off, will we be okay? Surely it will break through the wood as well as the outside wall?

Linda: Yes, it will, and the shrapnel and debris that it rains upon you will be nothing compared to the onslaught of demons that come rampaging in.

Alice: So, uh... why are we just standing around here doing nothing? Last from Conor #21

Dur: I think we are waiting for a plan to naturally evolve from this disaster! Last from Kevin #22

Luther: Run! Get out of here! Run! [Starts heading up the stairs] Last from Conor #23

Dur: Finally! [Tries to take off up the stairs] Last from Kevin #24

Linda: [Rolls her eyes as the party flee up the stairs] That's the WORST thing you could do!

Charlie: [Follows Dur to the stairs, nudging him along urgently] Do hurry! Last from Heather # 25

Shor: [Follows] Finally, some cardio! Last from Colin #26

Alice: [Lagging behind the others] Hurry up, Dur!

Austin: [Somehow stuck behind Alice] Good lord! How is one supposed to get passed this obstacle!

[There's a secure looking metal door at the top of the stairs, which LINDA gets to and steps through.]

Linda: [To the party] I have to close it... you know... just in case! [Starts to close the door]

Charlie: [Gasps] You horrid woman! Let us through! [Tries to force the door back open for the party to get through] Last from Conor #27

Dur: Hopefully with us on the other side! [Tries to cast STONE SHAPE in the form of a small doorstop to keep the door open] Last from Heather and Kevin #28

Clint: That's the worst thing she could have done! [Lends Charlie a boot] Last from Tom #29

Linda: I'll teach you to disrespect me!

Alice: No need, we already do!

[LINDA pushes hard, only to find the door stopped by DUR's spell.]

Linda: Hey!

[CHARLIE and CLINT barge the door in, just as there is a huge explosion from the other side of the wall, showering the party in debris and knocking them down, but not hurting anyone.]
Last from Conor #30

Dur: [Sits up and frantically pats his body as if searching for injuries only to pull out a pantswich that is now riddled with splinters.] Noooooooooooooooo! Last from Kevin # 31

Shor: Look on the bright side, esteemed doctor, you can have a sandwich and chips! Although they are wood chip flavour! Come on all, through the door! Last from Colin #32

[The party force their way into the next room, which is filled with panicking HARMA officers who are packing up boxes of paperwork, shredding paperwork, rolling around screaming on paper work and filling out paperwork. The voice of GEORGE MAGEE, the ANNOUNCER from before calls out.]

George: [Dead calm] Three minutes to interior door closing, repeat, three minutes and ten seconds before interior door closes.

Charlie: [To George] What happens when the interior door is closed?! Last from Heather #34

George: I'm speaking through a loudspeaker which is a one way communication device, I can't hear what you're saying.

Alice: But.... you did hear what she said, right? I mean, you answered her!

[There's a brief moment of silence.]

George: [Sulkily] No I didn't! Last from Conor #35

Austin: Oh yes you did! rest her!

Charlie: [Embarrassed] Oh, I am terribly sorry! One prefers more genteel forms of communication, so I am not altogether familiar with this device [gestures to the loudspeaker]. [Bellows] What happens when the interior door is closed?! Last from Heather and Dom #36

George: Hey! Not so loud! People are trying to work, you know!

[The party look at the panicking HARMA officers, several of who are now openly crying. ALICE stops one of them, ANTON ANON, who the party met ages ago but no one remembers.]

Alice: Why are you so upset?

Anton: Why aren't you more upset? We're all gonna die!

Alice: [Shrugs] We hate you guys, [to the party] I mean, it's a good thing they're going to die, isn't it?

George: Ten seconds before the interior door closes. Last from Conor #37

Austin: [To the party] We should go into the interior before the door rest closes, or we'll be late. Last from Dom #38
;;; Kevin is out today

Dur: Late? Late for the sandwiches?

George: The interior door is closed.

Alice: Hey! Twenty seconds ago he said it was it was three minutes!

George: Okay, okay, it isn't closed yet, but it will be soon! Last from Conor #39

Austin: Late for sandwhiches, too late to get through the closing rest door, and late as in "the late Dur T-Rag"! Lets go! [Tries to get through to the interior] Last from Conor #39

Clint: Anyone missing? If not, let's get going!

Charlie: [Following Austin] All right, but are we certain we WANT to be inside? [To George] Is it a good thing to be inside the interior door? Last from Heather #41

George: Hey, I just told you, I'm an announcer, I can't hear you!

Alice: Forget that! Let's get in through the interior door! [Looks around] Where is it? [Grabs Anton again] Where's the interior door?

Anton: [Tears streaming down his face] You really don't care if we live or die? Oh man, first my coffee machine wasn't working this morning, then the exterior wall is destroyed giving the demons free access, then a bunch of strangers tell me that they don't care if I live or die, this is the worst birthday ever!

Linda: [Pokes Anton hard in the chest] Coffee machines are illegal in Queens View, you're on report! Last from me #42
;;; Colin is out today

Shor: [Grabs Anton by the collar] Where the hell is the interior door? [Shakes him violently] Tell us know or I'll kill you! [Cheerfully] Also, happy birthday!

Anton: Aw! Thanks! It's amazing what a kind word from a stranger can do to turn your day right around! Would you like some birthday cake?

Linda: [Pokes Anton even harder in the chest] Birthday cakes are illegal in Queens View, you're on double report!

Charlie: [To Linda] Is telling us about the interior door reportable? [To Anton, cheerfully] If it, you might as well tell us, given that you already have so very many reports! Last from Heather #44

Austin: Yes, you can defend yourself from the ravenous demons with a rest think wad of reports. They hate reports. Last from Dom #45

Linda: Using a report as a weapon is a reportable offence!

George: [Over the loudspeaker] One minute to interior door closing. Last from Conor #46

Dur: Perhaps we should hurry! Last from Kevin #47

Luther: Come with me! [Leads the party down a corridor and enters a room that contains a small golden statue on top of a raised dais] This will get us in! Last from Conor #48

Clint: I'm pretty sure bribery is a reportable offence, but hey, if it works for you.. Last from Tom #48

Luther: It is an offence, and it doesn't work for me. Which of you has the bag of sand?

Charlie: [Hesitantly] Well, likely we could provide you with a bag of DIRT, if Clint and Dur would shake their clothes into a bag for you? Would that do? Last from Heather #50

Luther: It's probably more than we need, but yes, that will do.

[LUTHER opens up a small bag and the two oblige, much to his obvious disgust.]

Luther: Enough! Enough! Now, everyone, get ready to run. Last from Conor #51

Dur: We're in luck! [Proudly]Running away from danger is what we do best! Last from Kevin #52

Luther: [Switches the golden statue with his bag of dirt] Then get running!

Shor: Which way?

[Two walls slide away, one leading into a dark and scary tunnel, the other filled with a huge boulder rolling towards the party.]

Alice: Away from that? Last from Conor #53

Clint: Pro tip, Bimbo - always run away from the massive stone ball! Go, go! [Brings up the rear so he can help pick up any stragglers.] Last from Tom #54

Austin: I'll lead from the front on this one! [Slips his way to the rest front as fast as he can] Last from Dom #55

Alice: [Racing along with the others as the passage twists and turns] Why the hell is the door way down this crazy passageway?

Luther: [Also running along] To make it more difficult to attack, and also to help increase hilarity in the highly unlikely event of there being a breach in the outer wall. Last from Conor # 56

Shor: Well I for one approve! A wonderful incentive for a little terror fuelled jog! fuelled jog!

Charlie: [Racing along with the party] Indeed, who does not enjoy a good laugh whilst running for one's life?! [Attempts to laughs heartily and ends up coughing and sputtering breathlessly] Last from Heather #58

Alice: You people make me sick! What's funny about running down a dark tunnel?

Luther: Not a whole lot, but wait until the tunnels intersect with each other.

[The party are surprised when a bunch of panicking HARMA Officers suddenly crash into them, coming from a tunnel that joins into theirs, sending everyone crashing to the ground.]

Luther: [Roars with laughter, the first time anyone has seen him even flicker a smile] Oh man! That's the funniest thing I've ever seen! [Looks at the tangled mess of party members and HARMA Officers] You should see your faces! Priceless! tunnel? other.

Charlie: [Rubbing her leg and she gets back to her feet] Yes, most amusing. Last from Heather #60

Austin: [Discarding an empty wallet into the darkness] But an rest unfortunately poor yield. Last from Dom #61

Alice: Hey! Someone stole my wallet!

Anton: [One of the HARMA officers caught up in the crush, between bursts of laughter] Quickly! Before we get locked outside! Last from Conor # 62

Shor: Well I would if a certain birthday boy stepped off my wonderful hair! Last from Colin #63

Anton: What else am I supposed to clean my shoes on? Last from Conor #64

Clint: Pick on Goldilocks here some other time! [Clambers to his feet and helps the group up... Shor by his hair, perhaps.] Last from Tom #65

[SHOR leaps up, almost knocking ANTON over.]

George: [Over some unseen loudspeaker] Ten seconds until the interior door closes.

[The HARMA Officers race off.]

Charlie: [To Luther, poised to follow the HARMans] Are they going the correct way?! Last from Heather # 67

Shor: [Brushes himself off] We are almost out of time! correct way?!

Charlie: Perhaps, but I question the announcer's grasp of time-keeping! Last from Heather # 69

Austin: [To Charlie] This is no time for questions! [To Luther] Which way? rest Last from Heather #69

Luther: [Still chuckling to himself] Yes! Last from me and Dom #70

George: Two seconds to interior closing!

Luther: [Stops laughing] Damn those hilarious hijinks! This way!

[LUTHER dashes around a corner followed by the party and races towards a massive doorway that is sliding slowly down.]
Last from Conor #71

Clint: Hurry it up! No way I'm trying to hold that thing open for us!

;;; Now why do I have the feeling we won't make it? =) Last from Tom #72
;;; You gotta believe!

George: One second!

[The party make a heroic dash to the door and dive under it just as it closes, with ALICE doing the obligatory turn and reach back.]

Alice: My hat! [Grabs a hitherto unnoticed hat and pulls it in with her just as the door slams.]

George: The interior doors are closed and sealed. Anyone one not inside will surely die a horrible death. [Pause] Hey! What about me? How do I get in?

;;; End of Book VIII, Act VIII, next one starts on Friday! Last from me #8.8.73 !
[Book X, Act IX, Scene IX. Inside The Door. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and SHOR are here, having barely made it through in nick of time.]

Alice: Hurrah! We're saved! [Thinks] Hang on a sec, are we sure that this something we actually wanted to do?

[The party look around to see that they are inside a huge room filled with HARMA Officers. Some of them came through with the party while others are standing around staring at them, weapons drawn. One of them, CHOCO LATAY, an old enemy of the party who has been humiliated by them many times, steps forward.]

Choco: Welcome to hell! Last from him # 09.01.001

Austin: [Looking over Choco] I see they have dropped their standards. rest Last from Dom #2

Alice: I don't know, Aus, there seems the a high HAPSF here. Last from Conor #3

Austin: Expand? rest

Charlie: [Muses] HARMA Annoyances and Personalitie--S . . . Forever? Last from Heather #5

Alice: HARMA Assholes Per Square Foot!

Choco: You have NO idea! Last from Conor #6

Clint: Oh, I think we have *some* idea... Last from Tom #7

Austin: [To Choco] So what do you think we missed? rest Last from dom # 8

Shor: I take it you all know each other? Last from Colin #9

Alice: We're familiar with each other!

Choco: This facility is administered and controlled by HARMA. Those who have opposed us or disrespected us in the past will find themselves treated appropriately.

Charlie: Marvelous! [Modestly] You do know we personally saved Joe Nunpar's life in the very recent past, I assume? Last from Heather #11

Austin: [To Choco] I am the HARMA Associate Executive of International rest Futures and Re-profiling. What is your designation? Last from Dom #12

Choco: Jailer! [To Charlie] No, I did not know that.

Alice: You liar! You were the one who had to throw us a party!

Choco: [Sigh] Yes, okay, okay. I did know.

Charlie: [Nods at Austin] Indeed, we all have terribly important titles. [Gestures to herself] I am Senior Executive Strategist of Global Research Planning and Development, which I think we can all agree is crucially important to synergistically disruptive paradigm shifts. Last from Heather #14

Choco: [Shifts uncomfortably] Well, I'll need confirmation, of course.

Alice: And me! I've got a really important job! [To the others] What do I do again? Last from Conor # 15

Shor: Something really important, so important in fact, that most people wouldn't understand it, so probably pointless trying to explain. Last from Conor #15

Dur: Aren't we on an assignment for Joe right now in fact? Last from Kevin #16

Austin: We are, in fact, on a number of very important assignments. rest Let's not oversimplify that fact, people might get confused. Last from Dom #17

Alice: Yeah! We're on special assignment, and our main contact, Dieter, is already here.

Choco: What was the special assignment?

Alice: To stop demons taking over the Realms!

Choco: How's that going for you?

Alice: Given that we're trapped in here with you, I'd give it about a four.

;;; She's referring to Dieter Pinklage, who helped the party escape from
;;; Godspark, and with whom they accidentally saved Joe. Last seen,
;;; Dieter was on his way to Queens View to try and spring some
;;; more prisoners, including Deuce. four.

Charlie: Though, to be fair, demons have not taken over this place yet, either! Last from Heather #19

Clint: See?  We're doing a fantastic job! Last from Tom #20

Austin: Well done team! rest

Charlie: [Nods approvingly at Clint and Austin] It sounds as if someone [looks expectantly at Choco] owes us all a heart-felt thank you and a round of congratulatory applause! Last from Heather # 22

Shor: And perhaps unlimited access to showering and grooming facilities! Last from Colin #23 On 17 April 2018 at 08:25, Colin Dinan


Alice: Yay! Well done team! [Unfurls a huge "Mission Accomplished" banner]

[One of the HARMA Officers starts to clap, but a dirty look from CHOCO stops him dead in his tracks.]

Choco: You will be hosed down during lice inspection.

Alice: Ew! We have to inspect lice? Last from Conor #24

Austin: [To Choco] Do we have to fill in some forms before that, I rest have not filled a form in for .... hours! Last from Dom #25

Choco: No! No form filling for you! [Smirks as he waits to let his devastating news sink in]

Charlie: [To Choco] Indeed, I am rather disappointed how sloppy your operation appears to be. [To Austin] Just the sort of chaos that invites demons to take up residence! Last from me and Heather #26

Choco: Take it up with your Training Officer. Last from Conor #27

Dur: And who might that be? Last from Kevin #28

Choco: [Smugly] Me!

Linda: [Points at Austin] Except for him, he has a different Training Officer. Last from Kevin # 28

Shor: We will probably need to find that out from our HR department Last from me and Colin #29

Alice: [Looks suspiciously from Linda to Austin] And who might that be?

Linda: [Smugly] Me!

Choco: [Gestures to a doorway] Come on, I'll take you to the hosing room.

Charlie: [To Choco, wrinkling her nose] Surely there is nowhere more likely to become infested by lice than a delousing room?! Last from Heather #31

Clint: Particularly after we're done with it! Let's just get this over with so we can beat seven kinds of hell out of our training officers later. Last from Tom #32

Alice: [Quickly stepping in front of Clint] Hey! Not that I want to do this or anything, but there's no WAY I'm going in after Stinky!

Choco: [To Charlie] That depends on how regularly the Delousing Room is Deloused.

Charlie: [To Choco, skeptically] And when was it last deloused? Lasst from Heather #34

Austin: [To Linda] Can we go straight to training? rest Last from Dom #35

Linda: You can... and I'll do a special inspection of you right after.

Choco: Let me see... [checks his notebook] never! Last from Conor # 36

Shor: This situation is, to sum up, pretty lousy! Last from Colin #37

Choco: You'll be fine once you get to your cell. Last from Conor #38

Dur: Being that we are on a mission assigned by Joe Nunpar himself, don't you lack some kind of bureaucratic authority to lock us up? you lack some kind of bureaucratic authority to lock us up?

Charlie: [Nods at Dur's words] Leaving that glaring fact aside, you will not be locking us in a cell. We are seasoned heroes, not common criminals! Last from Heather # 40

Shor: Perhaps you have your own reasons for trying to prevent our investigations! Last from Colin #41

Clint: I'm afraid we shall have to inform Comrade Nunpar! Last from Tom #42

Austin: [Taking notes] Indeed. Attempting to pervert the course of rest justice; Interfering with an official investigation; Theft of HARMA property; Misuse of HARMA resources; Failure to comply with HARMA procedures; Disobeying direct orders from Joe Nunpar himself! On 04/17/2018 02:21 PM, dom


;;; So we've established what we're guilty of, but what are Choco's offenses?  =) Last from Dom #43
[Immediately dozens of HARMA officers draw their weapons.]

Choco: A confession! You all heard it! Last from Conor # 44

Shor: [Distractedly scratching at his head] That was an accusation, not a confession! Last from Colin # 45

Austin: [To Choco] Indeed, these are the crime of which you are rest accused, by our special investigation team! [To The HARMA agents] Arrest him! [Points at Choco]

Charlie: [Shakes her head gravely] Most regrettable! Mr. Latay seemed to have a bright future, but the evidence against him is incontrovertible! Last from Heather #47

[The party is grabbed by a bunch of HARMA Officers.]

Choco: You're in my world now, asswipes! No one believes you, no one knows you're here, and no one wants to help you.

Luther: [Calmly] I want to help them.

Charlie: [Struggling against her HARMA captor. To Luther] Splendid, we would appreciate your help now, please! Last from Heather #49

Austin: [To Choco] So no change there then! [Tries to fight his captor] rest Last from Dom #50

[All hell breaks loose as the party struggle, nearly get free and are then grabbed again. HARMA officers fight and punch, knocking desks over, setting fire to stacks of paper and even punching each other for no apparent reason.]

Luther: [Loudly] HEY!

[Everyone stops.]

Luther: They're cool. Last from Conor # 51

Shor: Are you talking about us to them [Nods towards the troops], or about them to us? Last from cokin Last from Conor #053

Austin: [Straightens his jacket] We cool. rest

Charlie: [Enthusiastically] Oh, indeed! We are conversant with youth culture and have an extensive understanding of their argot and behavioral patterns! Last from Dom #54

Clint: Even Dur, in his... unique way! Last from Heather and Tom #55 On 18 April 2018 at 16:16, Heather


Alice: [Nods at Austin] Yes we be!

Choco: Hah! It's actually "We *are* cool".

Luther: [Gives Choco a withering look] You're just embarrassing yourself.

[CHOCO looks sad and motions to the officers to let the party go.]
Last from Conor #56

Dur: That's more like it! Errr.... now what? Last from Colin #57

Linda: Now you have the honour of an audience with Colonel Nunpar!

Alice: Yeesh, suddenly the delousing room doesn't sound so lousy!

Charlie: But we will get a wonderful reception, thanks to my charming greeting card! [Swiftly scrawls out a stick figure unicorn on a piece of lined notebook paper, folding it in half so that the unicorn appears on the cover with the word "Unicorn!" under it] Now, let's all sign this meticulously handcrafted card! [Writes her name and passes a pencil and the card on to Austin] Last from Heather #59

Austin: [Writes "Aus" On the card] Is it his birthday? [Looks at the rest card] This seems a little lackluster. Last from dom # 60

Stor: [Writes "Stor, Hero" on the card]. Perhaps the card is tastefully understated. Last from Colin #61

Alice: Tasteful? I think a picture of a cat with a spike through his head is downright disturbing! [Signs "Alice" with a massive flourish, including a smiley face for the dot over the i]

;;; Stor? Who the hell is Stor?? Last from Conor # 62
;;;What the deuce?

Shor: Damned predictive text pens! [Changes the "t" to a "h" on the card.

Charlie: [Looks critically at Shor's signature] Oh, I do hope you have not lessened the emotional impact of our heartfelt card with your carelessness! [To Alice, haughtily] And, plainly, it is a UNICORN. It says so right on the front of the card!

;;; Too funny, Colin! : D Last from Heather #64

Austin: [looking at the card] Why would a unicorn kill a cat? rest Last from Dom #65

Alice: Because they're assholes. Everyone knows that unicorns hate everyone. We need to make that card funnier! [Takes the predictive text pen from Shor] I'll write "We hope this isn't too uni-corny", that'll be really hilarious. Aren't these pens great? They save so much time! [Writes "We hope this isn't too uni-porny"] Huh. It must be broken! [Tries to write "corn" five times on a blank sheet of paper] Porn, porn, porn, porn, porn. Hey!

Charlie: [Looks at the card, dismayed] You've spoiled my lovely card! [Irritably dashes off another identical card] There, now sign--[looks at the new card, aghast] "you so horny?!" What is WRONG with this pen?! [Throws the pen down in disgust] Last from Heather #67

Austin: [Pockets the pen] Could come in handy. rest Last from dom # 68

Shor: I had my doubts about it from the beginning, especially as their advert for the pen, which I assume was written by the pen, advertised "Predictive Penis". It's hell being an early adopter of new technology! Last from Colin #69

Alice: It's still better than that useless Unpredictable Pen I got. Look what happens when I try to write "Hello Shor" with it. [Starts writing and "Hello Shortsightedness" pops up, before the pen grows a small arm and punches her in the face] Ow! [To the party] The only predictable thing about it is that it will find an unpredictable way to hurt you every time you use it.

Charlie: [To Alice, disapprovingly] Why would one ever purchase an Unpredictable Pen?! I prefer my Sensible Pencils! Their advertisements promised [finger quotes] no-nonsense, dependable pencilry at a reasonable cost! [Shows a pack of Sensible Pencils] And, look--they come in two shades of grey! Last from Heather #71

Alice: [Squints at the two identical shades of grey] I see. Almost as boring as my Nonsensical Pencil. [Holds up a what appears to be a stick] No shades of grey!

Charlie: [Inspects the Nonsensical Pencil] I question the usefulness of your writing implement. [Rips out another notebook page and recreates the unicorn card a third time, this time using her Sensible Pencil, forging the signatures of the party] There, now we are ready to present our card! Last from Heather #73

Alice: That's not how you spell Alice!

;;; It is, of course! Last from Conor # 74 Last from Colin #75

Alice: Oh! It was a unicorn! [Thinks] Oh yeah... now I see it. Yeah, actually, that first one was much better. It hardly looked like an impaled cat at all. Why don't we take a vote? All those in favour of the fun cat killing slash unicorn card?

[A good half dozen HARMA officers put up their hands.]

Alice: And those in favour of the boring grey one?

[The rest of the HARMA officers, at least fifty or so, put their hands up.]

Alice: [Stares irritatedly at the officers for a moment before turning to Shor with a smile] Fun cat killing slash unicorn card

;;; Gah! The bottom of my post was clipped off!

Alice: [Stares irritatedly at the officers for a moment before turning to Shor with a smile] Fun cat killing slash unicorn card it is! Isn't democracy great? On 24 April 2018 at 09:30, Conor Ryan


Charlie: [To Alice] Indeed, legislation by polling and market research is a wondrous modern invention, and it has clearly led us to conclude that this [waves the grey card] is what HARMA wants! [Attempts to rip the alleged fun cat killing slash unicorn card to shreds] Last from Heather #77

Choco: [Interrupting Charlie] Hey! We have a shredder for that! [Points to an aggressive looking HARMA officer] Last from Heather #77

Austin: Market Research seems to have really brought out the artist in you. rest you.

Charlie: [To Austin] Normally, one prefers to avoid the more frivolous pursuits in life, but a good leader must adapt to the needs of the party! Last from Heather #79

Austin: [Gives Charlie a sly wink] Lead on Sarge! rest Last from Dom #80

Linda: She certainly will not lead on! If anyone's going to lead it's going to be me! [Strides super quickly towards the door, a sea of HARMA officers parting as she does, before stopping and turning back to the party] Well? Aren't you coming? [Grabs a convenient piece of paper and starts drawing on it]

Charlie: [Scurries to catch up with Linda. Annoyed] What are you drawing?! It had better not be a heartfelt handmade unicorn card!! Last from Heather #82

Linda: [Stands nose to nose with Charlie] Of course not! I had one with me all the time! I always do, I'm real thoughtful that way. [Points angrily at Charlie] Real real thoughtful!

Charlie: [Indignantly] Show me the card! Last from Heather #84

Linda: [Snarling] Here! [Holds the card up high for everyone to see. Alas, the fresh ink and sweatiness of her hands has resulted in what looks like a black blob on the front]

Alice: I like it. It's kind of abstract.

Charlie: [To Alice] Do be serious! From the moment they first grabbed a crayon, both Wilhelmina and Persephone could draw circles around this hack! Last from Heather # 86

Shor: Are they your cats? Last from Colin # 87

Austin: No, we don't have any cats [Looks at Linda quizzically, then rest back to Shor]

Charlie: [To Shor] Wilhelmina and Persephone are my lovely daughters. [Drags out a huge photo album and passes it to Shor] Here, this documents their various milestones and achievements! Last from Heather # 89

Shor: My apologies, you hardly seemed old enough to have daughters! ! [Takes the album and begins paging through] Last from Colin #90

Alice: She's WAY older than she looks! Like, really, really old, aren't you Charlie?

Charlie: [To Alice, cheerily] No, it is that my children matured quite rapidly! [Begins taking Shor on an excruciatingly detailed page-by-page tour of the album] Now, here is a copy of my medical file from Wilhelmina's birth! You can see here cervical effacement occurred much earlier than normal. . . . Last from Conor #92

Dur: Surely now is not the time for a comprehensive retelling of your life story! Last from Kevin #93

Linda: [Standing at the door tapping her foot impatiently] Agreed! It wouldn't do to keep Colonel Nunpar waiting! Last from Conor #94

Clint: If you'd like, the rest of us can go see him and Chuck here can tell you all about her history in excruciating detail, complete with visual aids. That sounds like the kind of thing you guys should pay attention to, for when thumbscrews and the rack just aren't good enough! Last from tom # 95

Shor: [Pales visibly at the photographs] My, what a thorough visual record you keep! However, perhaps we shod go and see Joe Nunpar and deliver your card! record you keep! However, perhaps we shod go and see Joe Nunpar and deliver your card!

Charlie: [To Shor, enthusiastically] Splendid! And Pestilence and I will have you over one night soon for a stirring game of charades and a thorough examination of our comprehensive records on the girls! Last from Heather #97

Alice: Wait until you see the pop up books that they created! [Shudders]

[Exit the party, along with LINDA and LUTHER.]

;;; End of scene, next one coming right up Last from me #9.1.98
[Book X, Act IX, Scene II. Joe Nunpar's Office. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and SHOR are here, having just entered a huge plush office along with LINDA and LUTHER.]

Joe: Sooo. I was right all along, there WAS sabotage!

Charlie: We can discuss the evidence you have to support that in a moment, Colonel Nunpar. First, we have a small token for you! [Produces the lame grey unicorn card with a flourish] Last from Heather #2

Clint: Signed by all of us, even those of us who are [glances at Alice] not entirely literate. Last from Tom #3

Joe: I don't have time for such frivolities! Don't you know how -- [big smile] a card? I love cards! [Looks at it] It's cat, with a spike through his head! That's so funny! Oh, you guys!

Charlie: [To Joe, dismayed] No, it's a unicorn, your favorite! Last from Heather #5

Austin: I thought it was a cat with a spike through it's head rest [Laughs] Hilarious!

;;; Aus will take any good opportunity to swap the pridicta pen for Joe's pen Last from Dom #6

Joe: [Coldly] Really? A unicorn? Where are the rainbows? The prancing?

[AUSTIN deftly swaps the pen with one that was on JOE's desk.]

Joe: The fluffy tail?

Charlie: [To Joe, indignantly jabbing her pencil at a slapdash scribble in the general tail area] THIS is the tail! And she is a more dignified sort of unicorn, one that prefers to stand majestically, rather than prancing about. Last from Conor # 9

Shor: Perhaps we should have stuck with the impaled cat! Last from Heather and Colin #8

Joe: She? SHE? [Completely enraged] She? There are no girl unicorns! They're all boys!

Alice: [To Shor] Maybe it WAS an impaled cat?

Charlie: [To Joe, incredulously] All males? Then how do they reproduce?! Last from Heather #10

Joe: It's a little thing called magic!

Charlie: [Starry-eyed] Oh, indeed! With the right person! Last from Heather #12

Dur: [Clearing his throat uncomfortably] Perhaps we should change the subject, before we learn more than we need to about the reproductive systems of male unicorns Last from Kevin #13

Joe: [Picking up a book titled "Everything you wanted to know about the reproductive systems of male unicorns and a whole lot more that, frankly, only saddoes and weirdoes would ever need to know"] Well... I suppose this mightn't be the ideal time. Last from Conor #14

Clint: Probably not, but be sure to schedule Charlie here for a thorough remedial unicorn education once eve dealt with this crisis! Last from Tom #15

Austin: [Curious. To Joe] Could you tell me who the author of that book is? rest Last from dom # 16

Shor: You could even both swap books! A comprehensive visual guide to child birth and child rearing, versus a comprehensive set of facts about unicorn mating. Last from Colin #17

Joe: [Shivers] No way! Facts about reproduction should be like women's opinions -- probably a necessary evil but have no place in public discourse.

Charlie: [To Joe, huffily] I would not have loaned you my files on my children's milestones and achievements in any case! [Eagerly] Though I would like to read your book on unicorn mating habits, so perhaps I could give you loan of Dur whilst I read it? Last from Heather #19

Joe: [Looks at Austin and Shor] Which one of you is Dur? Last from Conor #20

Austin: [Affronted] Neither, it's that! [Juts a thumb at Dur] rest Last from dom # 21

Shor: He is an esteemed medical practitioner of some repute! I'm sure he can diagnose and cure any ailments you may have! The loan of a book is a small price to pay for such good care! Last from Colin #22

Joe: [Peers at Dur] Is he? Are you? Well, in Queens View, he will need a special HARMA licence to practice medicine. One of my assistants can direct you to the paperwork. Now, what can I do for you? Last from Heather #24

Joe: This is Queens View -- there is no comfortable accommodation. We can probably fit you out with an office, seeing as how your are Special HARMA Information Therapists and all, and some of you look like you could be useful in an interrogation, while others [looks around the party] well, yes. I guess we should just make the best of things. Last from Conor #25

Dur: More paperwork? Great! I'm starving! Last from Kevin #26

Joe: [Looks at Dur] Although I understand each of the words you said, the order you put them in makes almost as much as a picture of a unicorn without a rainbow.

Alice: Wait a minute -- interrogation? What the hell is that about?

Joe: [Smiles] Ah! Eager to start, I see! Good, good, we have a huge backlog. Last from Conor #27

Austin: Great, well we had better get started! rest Last from dom # 28

Shor: As you can see, all keen and eager! Last from Colin #29

Joe: Great, Linda here will take to the High Investigator. [Stifles a snigger, as does Linda] Last from Conor #30

Clint: Wait, you never said anything about drug tests!

Charlie: [To Joe] You mean Herlock Sholmes?! Surely there's no investigator in higher standing that she! Last from Heather #32

Joe: No, I mean the [stagily] High [normal voice] Investigator. [Beams as though expecting applause]

Luther: They don't know who the Investigator is.

Joe: Oh. Well, if you did, you would think that was hilarious! Last from Conor # 33

Shor: But we don't, so it isn't. Is the investigator really tall? Or is it ironic, and the investigator is really small?

Charlie: For clarity, you should tell us. Though I must warn you, because it must be explained, the humorous impact of your alleged joke will be weakened. Last from Heather and Colin #34

Joe: [Points at Shor] He gets it! The High Investigator is Dieter Pinklage! [Roars with laughter]

;;; The party met Dieter when he helped them escape from HARMA in Nostalgia, before he and the party
;;; accidentally saved Joe from an explosion, which led to he and they being hired as Special HARMA
;;; Investigation Therapists. The party stayed in Nostalgia temporarily while Dieter travelled with
;;; Joe to help interrogate those captured in Nostalgia, although this was a clear cover so that
;;; he could help more escape. Amongst those captured was Deuce, although, in this dimension,
;;; he and Alice had not been engaged. Not that didn't lead to all sorts of embarrassing and
;;; inappropriate behaviour from Alice. Last from Conor #35

Austin: [Looks blank] So you are making a joke about his height? rest

Charlie: [To Joe] Oooh, was that your intention? [To Austin] Perhaps it would have made more sense if he had said Height Investigator? [Shakes her head] No, it still is not funny, and now it makes even less sense! Last from Heather #37

Alice: If it is about his height, well, that's just mean, isn't it? It's not like he can do anything about it. [To Charlie] How about if he had said Height Instigator? [Thinks] That makes even less sense. [Looks at Joe reproachfully] Jokes aren't really your thing, are they?

Joe: Don't you see what's going on here? He's really small, but we call him high?

Alice: [Shrugs] Surely that only refers to his position rather than his stature? He could be teeny tiny and be low, because he's underground, and that's even less funny and slightly more offensive than the frankly poorly thought out name calling that you just indulged in. Last from Conor # 38

Shor: Well, they do say that irony is the lowest form of wit. Or is that sarcasm? Last from Colin #39

Joe: What? [Face lights up] Oh, I get it! *Lowest* form of wit -- hah! I'm going to have to watch this one! [Turns to Linda] Seriously, I don't know who this is, keep an eye on him.

Linda: [Pokes Shor in the back] Hey! I'm keeping an eye on you. Last from Colin # 39

Austin: The saying is 'sarcasm', but they are wrong. The lowest form rest of wit is gloating. I think that covers this case.

;;;awa hame
;;; Stuck in a meeting all day! Normal posting tomorrow! On 27 April 2018 at 15:38, dom

;;; Our GM asked me (ages ago! sorry!) to let all of you know he's
;;; stuck in another meeting until after lunch! On Fri, Apr 27, 2018 at 9:38 AM, dom

wrote: Last from Dom #40

Alice: Where does smugness fit in this hierarchy, Aus?

;;; Back to normal, apologies for the unplanned
;;; break! Last from Conor # 41

Shor: Somewhere between smarmy and snidey, I'd imagine! Last from Colin # 41

Austin: [To Shor] You sound like an expert! [Checks his nails] Smug rest is not a form of wit, it is a discipline, a way of life, or devotion. Altogether different.

Charlie: [Intrigued] Like a religion? What are the basic tenets of Smugness? Last from Heather #44 Smugness?

Alice: The First Rule of Smugness is that you talk about Smugness all the time! Last from Conor #45

Clint: The second rule is that you be prepared to swallow your own teeth when you do... Last from Tom #46

Joe: Enough of this nonsense! You humourless bunch need to report to the High Inspector immediately! Last from Tom #46

Austin: It's nothing like religion. It is based on fact, for a start. rest Last from me and Dom #47

Joe: [Sternly] This is not the way to earn better living quarters.

Charlie: [To the party, dramatically] To the High Inspector! [Hesitates. To Joe] Where might we find him, again? Last from Heather #49 To Joe] Where might we find him, again?

Joe: [Dramatically] In room QV31-112! [Thinks, before looking to Luther] fear as its other name.

Alice: What's the other name?

Joe: [Dramatically] Room QV31-111a!

Alice: [Cowers] Gibber! Last from Conor # 50

Shor: Do you have a map, or do we just wander the corridors until we find QV31-111aaaah Last from Colin #51 QV31-111aaaah

Linda: You don't need a map, smart guy! It's all very obvious. Take the elevator the 25th floor, turn to your right and climb the stairs to the 34th floor, and then take the elevator down to the 31st. After that, you just follow the numbers until you get to 111. 111a will be right there too. Last from Conor #52

Dur: [Scratching his head] Sounds simple enough I suppose... Last from Kevin #53 too.

Alice: Why can't we take the elevator to the 34th floor?

Linda: It doesn't go to the 34th floor. Last from Conor # 54

Shor: [Enthusiastically] Perfect! A mission and a good cardio workout, all in one! Last from Colin # 55

Austin: If nothing else it will confuse the demons. rest all in one!

Charlie: [To Shor] Marvelous, you can be the one to carry Dur up the stairs when he begins to wheeze and stagger! [To the party] To the High Inspector! Last from Heather #56 stairs when he begins to wheeze and stagger! [To the party] To the High Inspector!

Alice: Aus can give you some wet wipes when you're done!

[Exit the party and LINDA.]

Joe: [To Luther] Don't you get it? He's a *high* inspector, but he's really small! I mean, that's funny, right?

Luther: Sure, but wouldn't it be funnier if his title was tall inspector?

Joe: What the hell is a tall inspector?

Luther: I don't know, but you wouldn't expect him to be a dwarf, would you?

Joe: [Thinks] Hm. [To Choco] Quickly! Get to the Tall Inspector's room and change the name on the door!

;;; End of scene, next one coming right up! Last from me #2.57 you?
[Book X, Act IX, Scene III. The Elevator. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR, SHOR and LINDA are here, having just stepped into the one on the 31st floor.]

Alice: This is a really annoying way to get around.

Linda: Wait until we're finished in QV31-111a, you'll have to walk back up the stairs to the 31st floor. Last from Conor # 1

Shor: [Brightly] Well then, this is one meeting I'm looking forward to finishing! [Begins stretching] Last from Colin # 2

Austin: [To Linda] What do we have to do after room QV31-111a? rest Last from Colin #2 finishing! [Begins stretching]

Alice: Why can't we take the elevator back up?

Linda: Because the elevator only goes down to this floor. Last from Dom #3

Linda: Get jobs.

[The party all laugh at this.]

Linda: [Annoyed] No! I'm serious! You all have to get jobs!

Charlie: But we already have jobs! I am Senior Executive Strategist of Global Research Planning and Development, and the others [waves vaguely to the party] also have somewhat less important and impressive-sounding jobs. Last from Heather #5 Global Research Planning and Development, and the others [waves vaguely to the party] also have somewhat less important and impressive-

Alice: Hey! I thought I was Senior Executive Strategist of Global Research Planning and Development?

Linda: It doesn't matter. I'm talking about jobs for you in Inner Queens View.

Charlie: What sorts of jobs are available? [Hopefully] Visiting Professor? Last from Heather #7

Linda: For non uniformed HARMA officers? [Shrugs] Toilet cleaners, mainly. Last from Conor #8

Dur: [Brightening] Great! I'm starving! Didn't I mention that already? Last from Kevin # 009

Shor: Perhaps you need an excellent on site medical practitioner! Or a personal physical trainer! Or legal advice. Or all your files expertly stacked and categorised. Or... Last from Colin #10 personal physical trainer! Or legal advice. Or all your files expertly stacked and categorised. Or...

Linda: [Folds her arms] Toilet cleaners. That's all we need. This is a new world, and the sooner you realise your place in it, the better.

Charlie: [To Linda] Surely you need supervisors for all these toilet cleaners? Last from Heather #12 new cleaners?

Linda: We already have one. One who takes the Toilet Cleaner Oath very seriously.

Alice: What I want to know is why all these toilets are such a mess?

Linda: A combination of poor diet and a shocking lack of toilet cleaners. Last from Conor #13

Austin: [Relieved. Laughs] I thought you said 'toilet cleaners', for rest a moment [Pauses] What did you say? Last from Dom #14

Linda: Toilet cleaners.

Charlie: Well, if the problem is that you have not allocated enough people to clean toilets, I would say that is a problem to be solved by creating more management positions, rather than hiring more toilet cleaners. We can fill those important management roles! Last from Heather #16 people to clean toilets, I would say that is a problem to be solved by creating more management positions, rather than hiring more toilet cleaners. We

Linda: It's either clean toilets or do nothing!

Alice: [To the party] That second one sounds good to me! Last from Conor #17

Clint: It also plays to our strengths. I say we go for it. Last from Tom #18

Alice: It's what we've spent our whole lives preparing for! Last from tom # 18

Shor: Definitely sounds more fun than toilet bowl scrubbing!

Charlie: [Claps her hands in delight] How marvelous! With so much free time, you can all help me collate my research into demonological classification! Last from Heather #20

Clint: Sounds like useful material for scrubbing toilet bowls to me! Last from Tom #21

Alice: [Looks at Charlie, appalled] Suddenly cleaning those toilets doesn't seem so bad after all! doesn't

Charlie: [Haughtily] You are welcome to scrub to your heart's content, but do not come crying to me when I fail to mention you in the acknowledgements of my next monograph! Last from Heather #23

Austin: [To Alice] Have you ever cleaned a toilet? rest Last from Dom #24 but acknowledgements

Alice: Oh god no!

Linda: [To Charlie] There's no monographs in Queens View! All publications need to be submitted to the HARMA Approved Reading Material Association for approval. Yours will be no exception -- neither for submission nor approval! Last from Conor # 25

Shor: The HARMA HARMA? Catchy! Last from Colin #26

Linda: Stop enjoying our acronyms so much or you'll find yourself on the way to QV31-111a!

Alice: I thought that's where we're going? Last from Conor #25

Austin: Excellent! Are there thousands of forms to fill in first? rest Last from Dom #26

Linda: Of course, but remember, forms are a privilege and not a right.

Alice: That's outrageous! How do we assert a right to forms?

Linda: You need to fill out a form. Last from Conor #27

Austin: This is all working out splendidly! So we do not have the rest rights to fill out the forms to publish deathly boring books? Last from Dom #28

Linda: Well, the others don't. You, on the other hand... you may be able to persuade me.. [licks her lips salaciously]

Alice: Oh god, if they're going to do the business again, let's get into the dreaded QV31-111a! Last from Conor# 29

Shor: Let's hope they've got some hallway vomit cleaners as well as the toilet cleaners! toilet cleaners!

Charlie: [To Linda, pleading] Do stop harassing Mr. Sleaze. He is most litigious, and one doesn't wish to become embroiled in a time-consuming lawsuit! Last from Heather #31 litigious, and one doesn't wish to become

Linda: Well then, let's get [points at Austin, jabbing him hard in the chest so hard he almost falls over eventhough she's clearly trying to be coy] you out of that [finger quotes] law suit. And by [finger quotes] law suit, I mean, the suit you have on, if you know what I mean.

Alice: Oh my GOD! Even Dur knows what you mean! Last from Conor #32

Dur: [Scratching his head] I do? Last from Kevin # 32

Shor: [Leaps away quickly] Well, someone sure could have used a good delousing! Last from Colin #33 delousing!

Alice: Yeesh, Dur, be cool! Now, where's this room? [Looks at 111, 112, 113] Hm. [Bends down to a tiny door that's just three foot high] 111a! Last from Conor #34

Clint: Ah, the door for people who had to crawl the last few steps to get here! Where's the real door? Last from Tom #35

Austin: [Eyes fixed on Linda] Room? We don't need a room! rest [Straightens his tie. Tries to grapple Linda to the ground] Last from Tom #35

Linda: That is the real door -- it helps reduce the dignity of those going in.

Alice: [Down on all fours, flouncy skirt riding up too high] Huh, doesn't really seem to compromise my dignity! Last from Conor #36

Dur: Yeah! Jokes on them! As if we had any dignity left. [Gets down to crawl in after Alice and frowns] Laundry day again dear? Last from Kevin #37

Clint: Go on in, guys. I'll bring up the rea.. the tail en... I'll go last.

;;; Accidentally sent only to Kevin Last from Tom #38 last.

Alice: [To Dur] No, why do you as- oh! I mean, yes, yes it is. [Opens the tiny door and looks in] Huh! Last from Conor # 39

Shor: Well, what do you see? Is there enough room for us all? Last from Colin #40

Linda: She's probably too overwhelmed by the awful sights within. It takes years of training and a strong-

;;; Apologies Dom, I forgot that Austin jumped her!
[AUSTIN leaps onto LINDA and begins to ravish her.]

Alice: [Glances back] You lot wait here. [Goes in and slams the door behind her] behind

Charlie: [Shielding her eyes from the Austin-Linda debauchery] We most certainly will NOT! [Attempts to open the door and barge in after Alice] Last from Heather #42 certainly will NOT! [Attempts to open the door and barge in after Alice]

Linda: Get off me! [Punches Austin hard and knocks him over on the flat of his back, at which point she leaps onto him and starts kissing him]

[CHARLIE opens the door so the party can see that ALICE is talking to DIETER and DEUCE, who is sitting on an uncomfortable looking chair.]

Dieter: Close the door! We're in the middle of an interrogation! talking

Charlie: Deuce, how wonderful! [To Dieter, concerned] Why is he being interrogated? Last from Heather # 44

Shor: [Faces away from Austin and Linda] I really should start bringing along a bucket of cold water! Last from Colin # 45

Austin: [Indignantly to Shor] Who invited you? No one! Can't you rest respect our privacy? [returns to snoging and grappling with Linda] Last from Dom #46

Deuce: [Unconvincing] Help, help. The pain is so bad.

Dieter: Yes, let's get some privacy. [Slams the door so Austin is outside with Linda]

Charlie: [Alarmed] What have they done to you, Deuce?! [Wails] Oh, if only we knew a doctor! Last from Heather #48

Dur: This man is terminal dear. No doctor could cure whatever it is that is clearly wrong with him… Last from Kevin #49 only we knew a doctor! is clearly wrong with him=E2=80=A6

Deuce: Actually, other than the shocking lack of ham, things haven't been so bad since Dieter arrived! Last from Kevin #49 is clearly wrong with him=E2=80=A6

Austin: [To Linda] Thank heavens they have gone, I thought we'd have rest to start a pay per view system! [Goes back to wrestling] Last from Conor and Dom #50

Clint: I suspect ham is some kind of infraction.  You'll just have to do without.  Also, you should probably go join the lawyer and his... whatever she is.  I'm sure they'd appreciate the company!

;;; I guess someone has to be #51.  I was hoping it would be someone wittier than me!
;;; Bank holiday here today -- back to normal tomorrow! Last from Tom #51

Deuce: If his whatever is a HARMA type, he's welcome to her. So, Dieter here tells me you're super secret spies now. How's that working out for you? you?

Charlie: [Excited] Oh, splendidly! We all have important job titles--mine is the senior position, of course--and [trails off] . . . well, naturally we cannot get into the specifics of our spy work with a non-spy. Last from Heather #53 is the senior position, of course--and [trails off] . . . well, naturally we cannot get into the specifics of our spy work >with a non-spy.

Alice: I'll tell you!

Deuce: [Laughs good naturedly] That's okay, Pixie Stix, Charlie's right, best to keep these things quiet.

Alice: [Barely skips a beat] Hah! I was just testing you, it's a special spy trick. From now on I'll say nothing. [Does a pretend locking her lips motion and almost immediately starts talking even before the imaginary key has been thrown away] We came here in a fridge! Last from Conor # 54

Shor: Which for some reason I still can't get my head around, we voluntarily climbed into! [To Deuce] My name is Shor Goldenhair, hero! Last from Colin #55 voluntarily climbed into! [To Deuce] My name is Shor Goldenhair, hero!

Deuce: Good to meet you, Shor. [Looks him up and down] Say... any interest in appearing on saucy postcards? Last from Colin # 55

Austin: We got into the fridge to avoid the radiation from the bomb rest that was due to go off too soon for us to verify the truth of the situation. And party because he made us a very nice cup of tea. Last from me #56
;;; There was a post from Aus, but he's still outside so let's ignore it

Alice: Deucie!

Deuce: Hey, people pay a lot of money for that kind of thing in here, there's not a whole lot to do, you know!

Charlie: [Wrinkles her nose] He will NOT be doing that sort of thing, with all of our spy work keeping us busy and his having dignity and such. Last from Heather #58

Clint: Are you sure you and Deuce are talking about the same person? I mean, we're willing to pimp out the lawyer to avoid paperwork, so I don't see the problem with pimping out the newbie for profit! Last from Tom #59

Alice: I'll do it!

Deuce: Oh, I know... I got your postcard. So anyway, fridge, you say? Seems like a smart way to travel. Was there much ham? Last from Heather # 58

Shor: Indeed so, it would be difficult keeping a low profile when the fans are screaming my name and looking for me to sign their saucy postcards! Last from Colin # 59

Austin: [Enters the room, doing up his fly. Deftly removes a pair of rest handcuffs and pockets them. To Shor] What manner of filthy perversion are you getting into now? Last from dom # 60

Shor: None. I'm avoiding one. Last from Colin #61

Deuce: [Peers at Shor] Avoiding perversion, eh? Can't say I approve! Last from Conor #62

Clint: That's okay, the lawyer's got enough for all of us! Last from Tom #63

Austin: [Putting some eye drops in his eyes] That woman certainly rest knows how to lick eyeballs. Quite remarkable how she manages to get her tongue in round the back whilst nailing the Half Nelson Pin Maneuver. [Frowns] What on earth is that? [Pulls a tube of massage ointment and a small taser out from the back of his underwear] Ahh, I think we lost those in the second round. I nearly won that one. Last from dom # 64

Shor: I'm guessing you've won membership to the STI club!

Charlie: [To Shor] My, they have a club for everything these days! [Disapprovingly] One hopes they discourage fraternization. Last from Heather # 66

Shor: Well, their slogan is Herpes Today, Gonorrhoea Tomorrow! Last from Colin # 67

Austin: [Looks at Shor with disgust, moving away from him] How vile! rest Last from Dom #68

Deuce: Sometimes it's worth it!

Charlie: [Shudders] Please tell me none of you intend to listen to any relationship advice offered by Deuce! In any iteration, I suspect his appetites and instincts are most disturbing and can only lead to embarrassment, incarceration, or deportation! Last from Heather #70

Dur: And who would you have us take advice from instead? You? Ha!

Charlie: Indeed, I am happily married and the mother of two accomplished, lovely girls, after all! Last from Heather #72 lovely girls, after all!

Alice: And don't forget Wilhelmina! Last from Conor # 73

Shor: And you certainly do have the pictures to prove it! Last from Colin #74

Clint: Yeah, I think that if anyone here is an expert on successful relationships, it's probably the Doc, what with his decades-long love affair with the pantswich! Last from Tom #75

Deuce: [Wistfully] Ah yes, I once had a beautiful relationship with a six inch tuna salad wheat sub. Er, I mean, a foot long!

Charlie: [Gasps] You cheated on ham with tuna?! Last from Heather #77

Deuce: Certainly not -- a friend as firm as ham would always be involved!

Dieter: As interesting and horrifying the relationships you people have with food and other inanimate objects are, there probably are some pressing matters to discuss. Last from Conor# 78

Shor: Oh, I'm not so sure! Lunch sounds pretty good to me! Last from Colin #79

Deuce: Wait until you find out what they're serving for lunch. Last from Colin # 78

Austin: Who is Soshor? [Glances around] A friend of yours? rest

Charlie: [To Deuce, warily] Did you prepare it? Or handle it in any way?! Last from Heather #81

Deuce: God no! What do you think I am?

Alice: Well, I think you're kinda dreamy...

Deuce: Er, thanks. Last from Conor #82

Austin: Is it HARMA approved? rest Last from Dom #83

Deuce: [Nods wretchedly] I'm afraid so. Last from Conor # 84

Shor: Hmm, perhaps lunch can wait.

Charlie: Good, that gives us an opportunity to discuss my latest research project! [To Deuce, temptingly] Who enjoys being second author on articles introducing groundbreaking research?! Last from Heather #86

Austin: [Laughs] Yeah, only a sad no life geek would enjoy that! rest Last from Dom #87 research articles

Deuce: [To Austin] Then make me Professor Sad of Sad University, Sad Town! Last from Conor #88

Clint: Is publishing ground-breaking research HARMA approved? Last from Conor #87

Austin: [Laughs at Deuce's joke, then pauses] What, really? [Looks rest between Charlie and Deuce] Is this some weirdo sex thing?

;;;awa hame Last from Tom 'n Dom #89

Deuce: [To Austin] It can be. [To Clint] Alas, no. Last from Conor #90

Clint: Hmm. Even a stopped clock and all that! So let's move on to discussing actually important things, like demon attacks and so on! discussing actually important things, like demon attacks and so on!

Charlie: [Modestly] One could argue that my research is essential to understanding the demonic psyche, [reluctantly] but I suppose we really should be seeing about this supposed immediate attack. Last from Heather #92 understanding the demonic psyche, [reluctantly] but I suppose we really should be seeing about this supposed immediate attack.

Deuce: It's not an immediate attack -- it's an ongoing attack! Last from Conor #93

Dur: Is that an important distinguishing feature, or are you just arguing to argue? Last from Kevin #94 to argue?

Deuce: Hah! I knew by your demeanour that you have the sharp, inquisitive intellect of a scientist, my friend!

Alice: You mean his awful clothes, poor personal hygiene and frankly embarrassingly poor way of interacting with women?

Deuce: Exactly! There's an academic if ever I saw one! [Fixes Dur with a steely gaze] And yes, my sharp minded colleague, it is an distinguishing feature, for the attack is what stimulated the Shut Down.

Charlie: Where are the alleged attackers? Or did the Shut Down keep them out? Last from Heather #96

Austin: Indeed. Has anyone actually seen any of these demons? The rest evidence appears to be thin. Last from Dom #97

Deuce: Oh, there are demons, my friend, lots of 'em.

Dieter: He's right, the realms are over run with them. If the Shut Down worked as it should, there are none in here. Last from Conor #98

Austin: [To Deuce] But have you seen them? rest Last from Dom #99

Deuce: Empiricist, eh? Sure, I've seen them. Everything from giant slugs that move at a maximum of 2mph to nine foot tall scary women with snakes for hair. [Smiles] Kinda fun but a bit bitey. Surely you guys have encountered some? I mean, if the rumours about the trains are to be believed... Last from Conor #100

Clint: The train attack was... uh... kind of weird. Last from Tom #101

Austin: I think we met, ermm, was it Esurion? Devourer of Souls, rest Slayer of the Innocent and Feeble, Certified Public Accountant. Last from Dom #102

Deuce: Wow! Did they get her too? Did you see her?

Dieter: Deuce has the crazy idea that HARMA were importing demons into Queens View, yes, the same Queens View that has now been sealed against demons.

Deuce: It's not a crazy idea, it's a working hypothesis.

Dieter: Doesn't mean it's not crazy.

Deuce: Sure, but being crazy doesn't mean it's wrong, just that we don't have all the information. Last from Conor #103

Austin: Well, they were certainly trying to import Esurion. Good job rest we let her out. cXVlZW5zdmlld2xvZ0BnbWFpbC5jb20NCg0KVGhpcyBtb250aCwgd2XigJlyZSB1cGRhdGluZyBv dXIgUHJpdmFjeSBQb2xpY3kgdG8gbWFrZSBpdCBlYXNpZXIgZm9yIHlvdSB0byAgDQp1bmRlcnN0 4oCZdmUgYWxzbyAgDQp0YWtlbiBzdGVwcyB0byBpbXByb3ZlIG91ciBQcml2YWN5IENoZWNrdXAg dCB5b3VyIGN1cnJlbnQgc2V0dGluZ3Mgb3IgaG93IHlvdXIgaW5mb3JtYXRpb24gaXMgIA0KcHJv cHJhY3RpY2VzIGFuZCBob3cgIA0Kd2UgZXhwbGFpbiB0aGUgb3B0aW9ucyB5b3UgaGF2ZSB0byB1 cGRhdGUsIG1hbmFnZSwgZXhwb3J0IGFuZCBkZWxldGUgeW91ciAgDQpkYXRhLg0KDQpXZeKAmXJl IG1ha2luZyB0aGVzZSB1cGRhdGVzIGFzIHRoZSBHZW5lcmFsIERhdGEgUHJvdGVjdGlvbiBSZWd1 bGF0aW9uIChHRFBSKSAgDQp0YWtlcyBlZmZlY3QgYWNyb3NzIHRoZSBFdXJvcGVhbiBVbmlvbi4g RGVzaWduZWQgdG8gaGFybW9uaXNlIHByaXZhY3kgbGF3cyAgDQphY3Jvc3MgRXVyb3BlLCB0aGUg R0RQUiByZWZpbmVzIHRoZSB0cmFuc3BhcmVuY3kgcnVsZXMgZm9yIGhvdyBjb21wYW5pZXMgIA0K ZGVzY3JpYmUgdGhlaXIgZGF0YSBwcm9jZXNzaW5nLiBXZeKAmXJlIG1ha2luZyBzb21lIHJlcXVp cmVkIHVwZGF0ZXMgdG8gb3VyICANClByaXZhY3kgUG9saWN5LCBhbmQgd2XigJlyZSB0YWtpbmcg dGhlIG9wcG9ydHVuaXR5IHRvIG1ha2UgaW1wcm92ZW1lbnRzIGZvciAgDQpHb29nbGUgdXNlcnMg dW5kZXJzdGFuZA0KDQpTaW1wbGVyIHN0cnVjdHVyZSAmIGNsZWFyZXIgbGFuZ3VhZ2UNCg0KV2Xi gJl2ZSBpbXByb3ZlZCB0aGUgbmF2aWdhdGlvbiBhbmQgb3JnYW5pc2F0aW9uIG9mIHRoZSBwb2xp LiBXZeKAmXZlIGFsc28gZXhwbGFpbmVkIG91ciBwcmFjdGljZXMgIA0KaW4gbW9yZSBkZXRhaWwg bHVzdHJhdGlvbnMNCg0KT2Z0ZW4gYSB2aXN1YWwgZGVzY3JpcHRpb24gaXMgZWFzaWVyIHRvIHVu ZGVyc3RhbmQgdGhhbiB0ZXh0IGFsb25lLCBzbyAgDQp3ZeKAmXZlIGFkZGVkIHNob3J0IHZpZGVv cyBhbmQgaWxsdXN0cmF0aW9ucyB0aHJvdWdob3V0IHRoZSBwb2xpY3kuDQoNCkVtYmVkZGVkIHBy aXZhY3kgY29udHJvbHMNCg0KV2XigJl2ZSBtYWRlIGl0IGVhc2llciB0byBqdW1wIHRvIGtleSBz ZXR0aW5ncyBkaXJlY3RseSBmcm9tIHRoZSBwb2xpY3ksICANCmhlbHBpbmcgeW91IG1ha2UgY2hv aWNlcyBhYm91dCB5b3VyIHByaXZhY3kuDQoNClRoZSByZXZpc2VkIHBvbGljeSBpcyBhdmFpbGFi bGUgaGVyZSAgDQo8aHR0cHM6Ly9hY2NvdW50cy5nb29nbGUuY29tL0FjY291bnRDaG9vc2VyP0Vt ZXMuZ29vZ2xlLmNvbSUyRnByaXZhY3klMkZ1cGRhdGUlM0Z1dG1fc291cmNlJTNEcHAtZW1haWwl MjZ1dG1fbWVkaXVtJTNEZW1haWwlMjZ1dG1fY2FtcGFpZ24lM0RFVT4gIA0KYW5kIHdpbGwgdGFr ZSBlZmZlY3Qgb24gMjUgTWF5IDIwMTguDQoNCkltcHJvdmluZyB5b3VyIHByaXZhY3kgY29udHJv bHMNCg0KV2l0aGluIHRoZSBwYXN0IHllYXIsIHdlIHVwZGF0ZWQgTXkgQWN0aXZpdHkgIA0KPGh0 dHBzOi8vYWNjb3VudHMuZ29vZ2xlLmNvbS9BY2NvdW50Q2hvb3Nlcj9FbWFpbD1xdWVlbnN2aWV3 bG9nQGdtYWlsLmNvbSZjb250aW51ZT1odHRwcyUzQSUyRiUyRm15YWN0aXZpdHkuZ29vZ2xlLmNv bSUyRm15YWN0aXZpdHklM0Z1dG1fc291cmNlJTNEcHAtZW1haWwlMjZ1dG1fbWVkaXVtJTNEZW1h aWwlMjZ1dG1fY2FtcGFpZ24lM0RFVT4gIA0Kc28gdGhhdCB5b3UgY2FuIGJldHRlciBhY2Nlc3Mg dW5jaGVkIGEgcmVkZXNpZ25lZCBEYXNoYm9hcmQgIA0KPGh0dHBzOi8vYWNjb3VudHMuZ29vZ2xl LmNvbS9BY2NvdW50Q2hvb3Nlcj9FbWFpbD1xdWVlbnN2aWV3bG9nQGdtYWlsLmNvbSZjb250aW51 ZT1odHRwcyUzQSUyRiUyRm15YWNjb3VudC5nb29nbGUuY29tJTJGZGFzaGJvYXJkJTNGdXRtX3Nv dXJjZSUzRHBwLWVtYWlsJTI2dXRtX21lZGl1bSUzRGVtYWlsJTI2dXRtX2NhbXBhaWduJTNERVU+ LCAgDQp3aGljaCBhbGxvd3MgeW91IHRvIGVhc2lseSBzZWUgYW4gb3ZlcnZpZXcgb2YgcHJvZHVj dHMgdGhhdCB5b3XigJlyZSB1c2luZyAgDQphbmQgeW91ciBkYXRhIGFzc29jaWF0ZWQgd2l0aCB0 aGVtLg0KDQpUaGlzIG1vbnRoLCB3ZeKAmXZlIHVwZGF0ZWQgb3VyIFByaXZhY3kgQ2hlY2t1cCAg DQo8aHR0cHM6Ly9hY2NvdW50cy5nb29nbGUuY29tL0FjY291bnRDaG9vc2VyP0VtYWlsPXF1ZWVu c3ZpZXdsb2dAZ21haWwuY29tJmNvbnRpbnVlPWh0dHBzJTNBJTJGJTJGbXlhY2NvdW50Lmdvb2ds ZS5jb20lMkZwcml2YWN5Y2hlY2t1cCUzRnV0bV9zb3VyY2UlM0RwcC1lbWFpbCUyNnV0bV9tZWRp dW0lM0RlbWFpbCUyNnV0bV9jYW1wYWlnbiUzREVVPiAgDQp3aXRoIG5ldyBpbGx1c3RyYXRpb25z IGFuZCBleGFtcGxlcyB0byBoZWxwIHlvdSBtYWtlIG1vcmUgaW5mb3JtZWQgY2hvaWNlcyAgDQph aGF0IHlvdXIgIA0KcHJlZmVyZW5jZXMgbWF5IGNoYW5nZSBvdmVyIHRpbWUsIHRoZSBuZXcgUHJp dmFjeSBDaGVja3VwIGVuYWJsZXMgeW91IHRvICANCnNpZ24gdXAgZm9yIHJlZ3VsYXIgcmVtaW5k ZXJzIHRvIGNoZWNrIHlvdXIgcHJpdmFjeSBzZXR0aW5ncy4NCg0KVG8gbGVhcm4gbW9yZSBhYm91 dCB0aGVzZSBhbmQgb3RoZXIgY29udHJvbHMgdG8gbWFuYWdlIHlvdXIgcHJpdmFjeSwgdmlzaXQg IA0KeW91ciBHb29nbGUgQWNjb3VudCAgDQo8aHR0cHM6Ly9hY2NvdW50cy5nb29nbGUuY29tL0Fj JTNBJTJGJTJGbXlhY2NvdW50Lmdvb2dsZS5jb20lMkYlM0Z1dG1fc291cmNlJTNEcHAtZW1haWwl MjZ1dG1fbWVkaXVtJTNEZW1haWwlMjZ1dG1fY2FtcGFpZ24lM0RFVT4uDQoNCihjKSAyMDE4IEdv b2dsZSBMTEMsIDE2MDAgQW1waGl0aGVhdHJlIFBhcmt3YXksIE1vdW50YWluIFZpZXcsIENBIDk0 MDQzDQoNClRoaXMgZW1haWwgd2FzIHNlbnQgdG8gcXVlZW5zdmlld2xvZ0BnbWFpbC5jb20gdG8g cHJvdmlkZSBhbiB1cGRhdGUgYWJvdXQgIA0KeW91ciBHb29nbGUgQWNjb3VudC4NCg== Last from Dom #104

Dieter: [Mouth hanging open] Where is she now? Last from Conor # 105

Shor: We are not sure. Esurion disappeared after some orb was thrown at us. us.

Charlie: [To Dieter] Why, is there a problem? She attended my daughter's Mat Bitzvah and was a model guest! Last from Heather #107

Dur: Sure! By demon standards! Last from Kevin #108

Dieter: [Highly sceptical] You'll forgive me for doubting you, but unless your daughter is some crazy demon spawn, I find that highly unlikely! What happened when the orb was thrown? Last from Conor #109

Clint: We pondered the wisdom of getting mixed up with crazy demon spawn!

Charlie: [To Clint, coolly] She is NOT crazy. [To Dieter] She is, technically, a demon spawn, but that is quite beside the point. When the orb was thrown, we all saw visions--and they came true! It was most astonishing! Last from Heather #111 technically, a demon spawn, but that is quite beside the point. When the orb was thrown, we all saw visions--and they came true! > It was most astonishing!

Dieter: And what happened to Esurion? Where is she now? Last from Conor # 112

Shor: She was gone when the vision finished Last from Colin # 112

Austin: It was all a bit bombs, Indians, HARMA, Demons on a train rest kind of thing.

Charlie: [Nods approvingly] Quite! [To Dieter, interested] Do the details suggest anything to you? Last from Heather #115 suggest anything to you?

Dieter: It suggests that there might be something to Deuce's crackpot ideas!

Alice: And that's not the first time we had visions after someone killed a demon with one of those orbs, right? Didn't it happen in Godspark too? Last from Conor #116

Austin: Sort of. But those were 'gods', not demons? [To Deuce] What rest are these crackpot ideas you have? Last from Dom #117 killed a

Deuce: They're not crackpot ideas at all!

Dieter: What about the one about frequent masturbation as a weight loss exercise?

Deuce: I think he means related to the gods and demons. [To Austin] Right? I do have some interesting evidence on that other issue, though.

Charlie: [Excited] I should like to hear about your demon-related crackpot theories, preferably in great detail! Last from Heather # 119

Shor: And if we have time at the end, I'd be interested in hearing about the other exercise related theories, purely out of curiosity, of course Last from Colin #120 crackpot theories, preferably in great detail! the other exercise related theories, purely out of curiosity, of course

Alice: Me too! I'm really interested in your theories about crack demons! Oh, and the other one too, about er, weight loss.

Deuce: Excellent! [Leans forwards] I think HARMA are collecting demons for some sort of experimentation purpose. Why they destroyed Esurion on the train, though, is beyond me.

Alice: I don't think it was HARMA who killed Esurion -- [looks around] wasn't it that weirdo Pierre? The detective guy?

;;; She's correct, it was Last from Conor #121

Austin: Yes I think so, but can we be sure he killed Esurion? He may rest have banished her or something?

Charlie: [Alarmed] Oh, I do hope so! Pestilence would be so unhappy that he failed to send her family a timely consolatory casserole in the shape of a balance sheet! Last from Heather #123 he failed to send her family a timely consolatory casserole in the shape of a balance sheet!

Deuce: I think they're destroying demons to extract some sort of power! Last from Conor #124

Dur: What kind of power? The power of Voodoo? Last from Kevin #124

Clint: Then we'd better make sure nothing happens to Pestilence, just in case! Last from Tom #125 case!

Deuce: I don't know, but every few hours this place goes into lock down, and everyone has to be in their quarters.

Alice: Lockdown like we're in now?

Deuce: No, now we're in Shutdown, that's a lot scarier and more permanent. Last from Conor #126

Austin: That could imply that who ever is draining the demons power rest has achieved the desired amount of power, and is now enacting part 2 of their plan whilst we are all locked in here? [Looks concerned] How do we get out? Last from Conor # 127

Shor: How permanent is permanent? Are we stuck here permanently, or more of a temporary permanent? Last from Colin #128 of a temporary permanent?

Deuce: Publicly they say it's temporarily permanent, but in private it's more of a permanent temporary.

Dieter: Based on the size of the walls I fear it is permanent permanent. Last from Conor #129

Dur: There has to be SOME way. How do the HARMA types plan on policing the realms if they are all stuck in here? Last from Kevin # 130

Shor: True, in a place where the only form of exercise is trips to the High Inspector, and other, er, persuits. Last from Colin #131

Clint: Well, you can always get in or out on the trains, when they're running.' Last from Tom #132

Austin: Now is no time for your lovers tiff Mr Scar! We are trapped rest in a veritable sarcophagus, surrounded by demons! Last from Dom #133

Deuce: [Nods at Austin] He's right, there are no trains and no way in or out. HARMA have given up on the Realms. I think the only thing worse than being trapped in here with a bunch of HARMA idiots is being trapped out there with a bunch of crazed demons fighting for control of the world.

Charlie: [Skeptically] Really? Haven't we all met the occasional helpful and even endearing demon? Last from Heather # 135

Shor: More than I've met the occasional helpful and endearing HARMA member. Last from Colin #136 member.

Alice: And Dolorion was really nice -- remember, he gave us Rolos! And yes, even Pesty had his moments! Last from conor #137

Austin: And let's not forget Durs wife! rest

Charlie: [Nods] Yes, let us not rush to judgement about these demons! Perhaps they are quite nice, once you get to know them! Last from Heather #139 Perhaps they are quite nice, once you get to know them!

Dieter: Perhaps, but the overwhelming evidence that I've seen is that they are more interested in killing anything that gets in their way. Either way, it doesn't really matter, does it? We're stuck in here while they're all stuck out there. Last from Conor #140

Austin: You are entirely correct. Very nearly all demons just want to kill rest everything, and there are very few exceptions. Most of those exceptions just need help to kill more effectively and hence recruit others that can be useful to them. Last from Dom # 141

Dur: What, my wife?! [Looks around nervously] Is she here?

Charlie: [Pats Dur on the head reassuringly] Oh, no! I believe she is dead, and likely no other woman would ever have you. Last from Heather #113 dead, and likely no other woman would ever have you.

Alice: [Nods and smiles] You are disgusting, in fairness.

[A massive siren BLARES, causing everyone to jump in surprise.]
Last from Conor #144

Clint: What's that mean? Other than "time to change the old shorts." Last from Tom #145

Alice: [Steps away from Clint] Yeah, I think you missed that alarm about ten alarms ago, Stinky!

Dieter: It's the lock down warning, we need to get to our rooms as soon as possible. Last from Conor # 146

Shor: But, we don't have any rooms!

Charlie: [To Shor] Perhaps we can all stay with Dieter! [Enthusiastically] Oh, I have ever so many games we can play to pass the time!! Last from Heather # 148

Shor: Hopefully not pin the second tail on the irate demon! How can we be sure there are no demons here? That explosion was pretty tremendous! And perhaps others were smuggled in by fridge previously? Last from Colin #149 sure there are no demons here? That explosion was pretty tremendous! And perhaps others were smuggled in by fridge previously?

Deuce: A fridge? [Roars with laughter] Brilliant! What genius thought of that?

Charlie: [Scowling] My aspiring son-in-law, Panse! Last from Heather #151

Austin: He also makes a very good cup of tea. rest Last from Dom #152

Deuce: That's two points for Panse -- he's certainly making a good impression in the in-laws, isn't he? That fridge trick is fiendish it's just as well he's a good guy!

Alice: Is he? I thought we decided that he wasn't? Although, he did save us back in Nostalgia, just before he locked us in the fridge! us

Charlie: [Appalled] He is not a [finger quotes] good guy! He is a dreadful negative influence on my young and impressionable daughter! Last from Heather #154 dreadful negative influence on my young and impressionable daughter!

Dieter: Yet he found a way to smuggle you and the others into the safest place in the Realms!

Deuce: [Nods] As someone who really has been a dreadful negative influence on young and impressionable daughters, I can tell you, that's not the sort of thing we do. [Frowns at Alice] You've got a ... thing on your face.

Alice: [Turns away self-consciously, grasping for a mirror] Oh no!

[The alarm BLARES again.]

Dieter: You better get moving before you're hauled into a cell for not being in your quarters. Last from Conor #155

Austin: Do you know where our quarters are? rest Last from dom # 156

Shor: And who's going to catch us if everyone is in their room? Who is searching the corridors? Last from Colin #157 searching the corridors?

Dieter: Deuce? You're the scientist, you answer the man's question.

Deuce: [Guffaws] I'm a scientist, dammit, not a HARMA goon, so I don't know. What I do know is that the last guy who tried it was captured by HARMA officers and beaten to death. [Somewhat serious] The person who convinced him to try sure felt bad about it. Last from Conor #158

Austin: Tried what, searching the corridors? [Looks worried] rest Last from Dom #159

Deuce: Tried to be outside his allocated quarters during shutdown.

[The ALARM goes off again.]

Dieter: Speaking of which, that's the third signal. We better get going.

Charlie: Very well, but where? We have no assigned quarters, do we? Last from Heather #161

[The door swings open and LINDA storms in.]

Linda: The third warning has gone off. It's time for you to go to your assigned quarters! Last from Conor # 162

Shor: I've never seen anyone burst in by squeezing through a tiny door before. Very impressive! Can you bring us to our assigned quarters? Last from Colin #163 before. Very impressive! Can you bring us to our assigned quarters?

Linda: Less of your smart mouth, mister! I'm here to bring you to your assigned quarters, and I'll brook none of your backchat! Last from Conor #164

Austin: [To Shor] You heard her! Get moving! [Slips out of the door] rest

Charlie: [Following Austin] Very well, but I do hope you do not intend to carry on with your torrid affair in our quarters! One prefers a quiet--and less damp!--study space. Last from Heather #166 carry on with your torrid affair in our quarters! One prefers a quiet--and less damp!--study space.

Alice: Quickly quickly! Before they start doing the nasty again!

Linda: [Glares in at Dieter] Has he confessed yet?

Dieter: I'm working on him, but with all these constant interruptions it's virtually impossible! Last from Conor #167

Austin: [To Charlie] Well hopefully we will all have separate quarters! rest Last from Dom #168

[The siren BLARES once more.]

Linda: You all have to share. You can have the Royal Loft Suite.

Alice: Oooh! Sounds fancy! Can Deucie come with us?

Linda: No! He's a prisoner who is being interrogated!

Dieter: [Smiles] And besides, the Royal Loft Suite? [Shakes his head] You guys must have pissed someone off real good! [Slams his door] Last from Conor #169

Austin: [To Linda] Who assigns the quarters? rest Last from Dom #170

Linda: There's no time for arguing about your quarters -- the fourth alarm is about to go off. Pay no attention to him, the Royal Loft Suite is perfectly adequate. Last from Conor #171

Clint: "Perfectly adequate" sounds an awful lot like how someone might describe Dur's medical skills!  Maybe we should trade quarters with you? Last from Tom #172

Linda: Maybe you should stop trying get me into bed? [Starts walking down the corridor] I'm taking you to your quarters now. If you refuse to go there, you will be caught and held for no respecting the Shutdown. Last from Conor # 173

Shor: Nothing to lose but our liberty! [Begins to follow Linda]

Charlie: [Stoically] We hardened adventurers are well used to taking our shelter where we find it! As long as I have adequate lighting, a sturdy desk, and access to a well-curated collection of reference books, I do not see why we should not be perfectly happy! Last from Heather #175 shelter where we find it! As long as I have adequate lighting, a I do not see why we should not be perfectly happy!

Alice: Aw man! We're not all going to have to read, are we?

Linda: Those of you who can't don't have to.

;;; End of scene, next one coming up! Last from me #3.175
[Book X, Act IX, Scene IV. The Royal Loft Suite. ALICE, AUSTIN, CHARLIE, CLINT, DUR and SHOR have just entered as the siren blares once more. LINDA slams the door behind them without a word. Although the door is a sturdy metal affair that looks like it should lead to a cell, the party are actually in what appears to be a very nice looking suite, complete with comfortable looking furnishings and, surprisingly, a large selection of books. There is one door leading off and plenty of nice looking bedding for everyone to sleep in and still have some privacy.]

Alice: She said we didn't have to read any books! Last from Conor # 1

Shor: I think they might be fuel for the fire! [Looks around the room] Not really what I was expecting! Hopefully these are the washing and grooming facilities! [Tries to open the other door] Last from Colin #2 Not really what I was expecting! Hopefully these are the washing and grooming facilities! [Tries to open the other door]

Alice: I wonder if all the rooms are like this!

[Just as SHOR approaches the door it swings open to reveal a filthy dirty, completely naked hippie, TIMOTHY BLEARY, coming out.]

Timothy: [Big smile] Hey! Roomies! [Gives Shor a huge hug]

Timothy Bleary

Charlie: [Gasps and covers her eyes, pointing at Timothy] You there, naked unwashed person! Get to your quarters at once! Last from Heather # 4

Shor: [Recoils in horror] Get off me! You smell worse than the old man! Last from Colin #5 naked unwashed person! Get to your quarters at once!

Timothy: [Smiles] Your hair feels like silk! Can I have some? [Turns to Charlie] Sister! I don't like, own any quarters, but you're more than welcome to share this place with me. [Holds his arms out for a hug]

Charlie: [To Timothy, icily] Keep your hands and genitals away from me! Last from Heather #7

Timothy: [Big smiles] Oh, I can see we're gonna have to work on you!

Alice: How... how can he smell so bad when he's just out of the shower?

Timothy: I wasn't in the shower. I was rinsing my hair with urine. Last from Conor # 8

Shor: Are you some form of bacterial laden demon? Last from Conor # 9

Austin: [Speechless in disgust for moments] Perhaps we should wash rest him, for the greater good [Hands Shor and Charlie pairs of rubber gloves] Last from dom # 10

Shor: [Not taking the gloves] You might find soap more effective. Last from Dom # 11

Austin: More effective than you at least! [Tuts. Rolls his eyes and rest starts busying himself searching the quarters for secret/hidden] Last from Dom #12

Timothy: [Laughs at Shor] Hah! No, I'm not a demon, my friend. I'm a hundred and four percent human. Why don't you guys take a seat?

Alice: Are there any seats that you haven't sat on naked?

[TIMOTHY points to a small stool upholstered with some sort of rough texture.]

Alice: [Immediately sits down on it] Yoink! [To the party] You can have the naked hippie seats. I'm having this one!

Timothy: Yeah, I use that baby as an ass scratching device. It really gets in there, you know? [To Alice] Feeling itchy?

Alice: I am now! Last from Conor #13

Austin: [To Timothy] Are you trying to kill yourself through lack of hygiene? rest hygiene?

Charlie: [Gratefully takes the gloves from Austin and snaps them on with relish. To Timothy] At least tell me you have not touched any of the books? Surely you find them too pointy for scratching your hard-to-reach places? Last from Heather #15

Clint: You don't suppose there's perhaps a pressure washer in one of the cabinets? Last from Tom #16 books? places?

Alice: If there is, it's probably been used for something other, unholy purpose!

Timothy: Of course I've touched all the books! How else would I edit them to make more sense? Last from Conor #17

Austin: [Chuckles. Puts on his rubber gloves, takes a book of the rest nearest shelf and looks for "editing"] This has to be worth seeing. Last from Dom #18

[The book AUSTIN takes is "HARMA Approved Recreational Material for Adults". He opens the first page to reveal that almost every word has been crossed out with the exception of "there", "once", "was", "a" and "unicorn".]

Charlie: [Excited, starry-eyed] Then I shall have to personally rewrite as many of these books as time allows! Oh, it will be a time-consuming and rewarding hobby! Last from Heather #20

Shor: Well, we may be here some time. I suggest you start with the fundamentals of hygiene, and make it compulsory reading Last from Colin #21

Clint: We'll need a collection of naughty haikus as soon as you can manage it, too. Last from tom # 22

Shor: Seriously, I suggest you start with the hygiene book! Last from Tom # 23

Austin: Yes, simple and with big letters! Include diagrams. rest

Charlie: [Scoffing] Do you really think HARMA would allow anything so racy as diagrams of the human form?! Last from Heather #25 racy as diagrams of the human form?!

Timothy: [Sprawls back on a couch, letting it all hang out] Draw me!

Alice: [To Charlie] I hope not! Last from Conor #26

Austin: [To Timothy ] Who are you and why are you here? rest Last from Dom #27

Timothy: Trapped, man! Imprisoned by the man, man! I'm Timothy Bleary, you're probably familiar with my work.

;;; No one has ever heard of him Last from Conor # 28

Shor: No, never hear of you. [Holds a book towards Timothy] At least cover yourself with something! There are ladies present! Last from Colin #29

Dur: There are?! [Looks around]

;;; Errr.... forgot to mention I would be out of town last Thursday and Friday. Back now :) Last from Kevin #30

Alice: Calm down, Doc. No one expects you to be able to tell people's genders.

Timothy: [Takes the book] Sure, but you guys are pretty weird. [Puts the book over his face] Better?

[The SIREN goes off again, causing the party to jump, but TIMOTHY appears unconcerned.]
Friday. Back now :)

;;; Tsk! Last from Conor #31 Last from Dom #32

Austin: What does that siren signify? rest

Timothy: We're in shut down. Whatever HARMA are doing, they want us all safely locked away behind lead doors.

Charlie: [To Timothy] How long do these shut downs usually last? Last from Heather # 34

Shor: [Sniffing the air] And at what stage do they turn on the air purifiers?

Austin: We really must find out what they are doing [looks for a way to rest open the door ] Last from Dom #36 open the door ]

Timothy: It lasts anything from 30 seconds to several hours. [Snatches the book down to look at Austin] Sorry, my friend, that door won't open. As soon as the lock is engaged, it is stuck fast.

[The siren gives three quick bursts as AUSTIN verifies that the door is quite shut.]

Timothy: Annnnnnd there it goes. Whatever they're doing, it's going on right now. Take it from me, we're in for a lo-

[The siren gives five quick bursts.]

Timothy: Oh. That was a fast one! Last from Conor #37

Clint: You don't suppose it's worth fashioning unicorn disguises for next time this happens? Do that they won't dare try to lock us away as we can find out what's really going on? Last from Tom #38

Timothy: Due, that would be a bad trip. Anyone they find, and I mean *anyone*, due, is thrown in the hole if they're caught outside before the final siren goes off. Last from Conor #39

Dur: What is this 'hole' you speak of? Last from Kevin # 40

Shor: And speaking of, perhaps you could move your book to a more appropriate place! How many siren blasts are there? Last from Colin #41 appropriate place! How many siren blasts are there?

Timothy: Oh, sorry. [Covers one of his feet with the book] There are four warnings, and anyone who's not in shutdown by the third is thrown in the hole. It's a bad place, due. You don't want to see in there.

Charlie: [To Timothy, interested] You've been there, one assumes? Last from Conor #42

Austin: Could you be more specific? What is it like in there, due? rest Last from Heather and Dom #43

Timothy: Nope, but my best friend, Know-Nothing Noel was dragged down there. They kept him there for three weeks straight.

Alice: What happened to him?

Timothy: Put it this way, before they dragged him down there, his name was Know-Everything Noel. He was the smartest guy I've ever met. Last from Conor # 44

Dur: Well, depending on how many people you have met, that could statement could mean anything! Last from Kevin #45 statement could mean anything!

Timothy: Yeah? I've met a LOT of people! Last from Conor #46

Dur: THAT could also depend on what YOU consider a lot of people! Last from Kevin #47

Timothy: A least a million! Last from Conor #48

Dur: [Opens his mouth to argue but pauses] .... Oh. Well that IS a lot of people!

;;;3 for me Last from Kevin #49 people!

Alice: Wait a minute -- doesn't that depend on what he means by people?

Timothy: [Gestures his arms uncomfortably wide] Every living thing!

Charlie: [Nods] Yes, but what do you mean by [finger quotes] living? Breathing and a heartbeat [nods at Dur]? Or reaching one's full potential [gestures modestly to herself]? Or somewhere in between [gestures vaguely to the rest of the party]? Last from Heather #51 Breathing and a heartbeat [nods at Dur]? Or reaching one's full potential [gestures modestly to herself]? Or somewhere in between [gestures vaguely to the rest of the

Timothy: Due, if it's alive it's a person. I don't even need a heartbeat!

Alice: [To Charlie] Yeesh, by that calculation, *Clint* is alive!

Charlie: [To Alice] Excellent point! [To Timothy] Also, I should like to know what methods you employed when you measured this [faintly derisive finger quotes] Noel's intelligence? Last from Heather #53 know what methods you employed when you measured this [faintly derisive finger quotes] Noel's intelligence?

Timothy: He used lots of big words I didn't understand and kept talking about all the articles he wrote for some magazine... what was it called? Stuffin' Science? Last from Conor #54

Dur: Bah! He would have lost my interest at "Science". Last from Kevin #55

Austin: [To Charlie. Deadpan] Do you in your maximally realised rest potential state recognise the "Science n' Stuff" author with the first name Noel?

Charlie: [Sniffs] Indeed, I do not! [To Timothy, triumphantly] Your poorly supported argument certainly fell apart under our incisive scrutiny! Last from Heather #58

Austin: [Enthusiastically to Tim] Intense scrutiny! [Then frowns. rest Questionably to Charlie] Intense scrutiny? poorly

Charlie: [Gleefully] Intense and utterly ruthless! [To Timothy, dismissively] Now, do go and quietly sit in the corner. Last from Heather #59

Clint: I wonder if "Science n' Stuff" authors are clever enough to give pseudonyms? Probably not, right? Last from Tom #60

Timothy: [To Charlie] Funny, that's all that Noel does now. [To Clint] Why would he do that? If HARMA knew who he really was they might have imprisoned him and tried to find out what he knows about -- oh! I see! Maybe his name wasn't Noel at all! Last from Conor #61

Clint: [To Charlie, very kindly] Do you know any authors not named Noel, maybe? Last from Tom #62

Alice: [Gasps] Charlie's not named Noel! Maybe she's him? Last from Conor # 63

Shor: Did not Noel write any of these books here? Any that you maybe haven't edited? Last from Colin #64 haven't edited?

Timothy: Nah, they're all HARMA nonsense. Why don't you just ask Noel yourself? Last from Conor #65

Austin: [Looks around] He's here? rest

;;;awa hame Last from dom # 66

Shor: Is he hiding?

Charlie: [Gasps, looking around] How unprofessional! And not at all surprising, based on all we know of this Noel character! Last from Heather #68

Austin: [Suspicious. To Tim] Are you Noel? rest Last from Dom #69

Clint: C'mon, lawyer, look at this guy! There's no way he doesn't write for a science magazine of some sort! Last from Tom #70

Timothy: That's right, due! I don't write for any of those mainstream science journals though, I set up my own that tells the truth, tells it like is... like it sounds. All original research, all original artwork.

Alice: Wow, sounds cool! How many issues have there been?

Timothy: Still workin' on the first. I got distracted by something shiny. Also, having to feed Noel [points to under the couch] can be a pain.

[Sceptically, everyone bends down to look under the couch. Curled up in a ball is SHELDON PARSONS, renowned scientist who, in the party's original dimension, was extremely famous and, although something of a fanboy of party, was extremely helpful to them.]

Sheldon Parsons a.k.a. Noel

Alice: That's no Noel!

;;; And there we will pause until Monday! Heading away for a few days UVYgTG9nZ2VyDQoNCg0KDQpUdXJuIG9mZiBsZXNzIHNlY3VyZSBhY2Nlc3MNCnF1ZWVuc3ZpZXds b2dAZ21haWwuY29tDQoNCg0KDQpZb3VyIHBlcnNvbmFsIGluZm9ybWF0aW9uIGlzIHZ1bG5lcmFi bGUgYmVjYXVzZSB5b3UgYWxsb3cgYXBwcyAmIGRldmljZXMgdG8NCmFjY2VzcyB5b3VyIGFjY291 bnQgaW4gYSBsZXNzIHNlY3VyZSB3YXkuDQpUdXJuIG9mZiB0aGlzIHR5cGUgb2YgYWNjZXNzIGFu ZCBzZWUgb3RoZXIgcGVyc29uYWxpc2VkIHNlY3VyaXR5DQpyZWNvbW1lbmRhdGlvbnMgaW4gdGhl IFNlY3VyaXR5IENoZWNrdXANCjxodHRwczovL2FjY291bnRzLmdvb2dsZS5jb20vQWNjb3VudENo b29zZXI/RW1haWw9cXVlZW5zdmlld2xvZ0BnbWFpbC5jb20mY29udGludWU9aHR0cHM6Ly9teWFj dG1fbWVkaXVtJTNEZW1haWwlMjZ1dG1fY2FtcGFpZ24lM0RzYXAlMjZhbmVpZCUzRDI3MDQxMDcx MTQ1NjU1MzQ3NTMlMjZzZWElM0QxMCUyNnJmbiUzRDE1Mjc0NzE3ODk2OTglMjZhbmV4cCUzRHNh cGVmLWEyPg0KLg0KDQoNCg0KVGFrZSBhY3Rpb24NCjxodHRwczovL2FjY291bnRzLmdvb2dsZS5j b20vQWNjb3VudENob29zZXI/RW1haWw9cXVlZW5zdmlld2xvZ0BnbWFpbC5jb20mY29udGludWU9 aHR0cHM6Ly9teWFjY291bnQuZ29vZ2xlLmNvbS9zZWN1cml0eS1jaGVja3VwP3V0bV9zb3VyY2Ul M0Rnb29nbGUlMjZ1dG1fbWVkaXVtJTNEZW1haWwlMjZ1dG1fY2FtcGFpZ24lM0RzYXAlMjZhbmVp ZCUzRDI3MDQxMDcxMTQ1NjU1MzQ3NTMlMjZzZWElM0QxMCUyNnJmbiUzRDE1Mjc0NzE3ODk2OTgl MjZhbmV4cCUzRHNhcGVmLWEyPg0KPGh0dHBzOi8vYWNjb3VudHMuZ29vZ2xlLmNvbS9BY2NvdW50 Q2hvb3Nlcj9FbWFpbD1xdWVlbnN2aWV3bG9nQGdtYWlsLmNvbSZjb250aW51ZT1odHRwczovL215 NnV0bV9tZWRpdW0lM0RlbWFpbCUyNnV0bV9jYW1wYWlnbiUzRHNhcCUyNmFuZWlkJTNEMjcwNDEw NzExNDU2NTUzNDc1MyUyNnNlYSUzRDEwJTI2cmZuJTNEMTUyNzQ3MTc4OTY5OCUyNmFuZXhwJTNE c2FwZWYtYTI+DQpXb3JyaWVkIGFib3V0IGNsaWNraW5nIGxpbmtzPyBWaXNpdCB0aGUgU2VjdXJp dHkgQ2hlY2t1cCBhdA0KaHR0cHM6Ly9teWFjY291bnQuZ29vZ2xlLmNvbS9zZWN1cml0eS1jaGVj a3VwDQoNCg0KWW91IHJlY2VpdmVkIHRoaXMgZW1haWwgdG8gbGV0IHlvdSBrbm93IGFib3V0IGlt cG9ydGFudCBjaGFuZ2VzIHRvIHlvdXINCkdvb2dsZSBBY2NvdW50IGFuZCBzZXJ2aWNlcy4NCsKp IDIwMTggR29vZ2xlIEluYy4sMTYwMCBBbXBoaXRoZWF0cmUgUGFya3dheSwgTW91bnRhaW4gVmll dywgQ0EgOTQwNDMsIFVTQQ0KMTUyNzQ3MTc4OTY5ODAwMA0K
;;; Actually, we'll pause until TUESDAY as almost everyone is on a bank holiday today!! On Wed, 23 May 2018 at 08:09, Conor Ryan

wrote: up Last from me #71 up

Timothy: Then what is he?

Alice: Sheldon! The most arrogant scientist we've ever met -- and I include Charlie in that!

Sheldon: I don't know anything! I don't know anything! Last from Him #72

Austin: What don't you know that you used to know? rest Last from Dom #73

Sheldon: I don't know! Last from Conor #74

Austin: So perhaps you never knew anything, and there for have rest forgotten nothing, and you can relax. Last from dom # 75

Shor: Do you even know why you are hiding under this chair?

Charlie: [To Sheldon, embarrassed] Dr. Parsons, do calm down! Perhaps we can assist you? Last from Heather #77 can assist you?

Sheldon: No, no, no one can. I'll stay here, it's where I should have stayed.

[Another SIREN blares, giving five quick blasts.]

Timothy: All clear! Last from Conor # 78

Shor: What, you mean we can leave this room? Into the fresh air and no dirty naked people? dirty naked people?

Charlie: Splendid! That was not so bad, after all! [Nods discreetly at Sheldon and adds in a low voice] Other than the whining, which was a touch grating! Last from Heather #80 Sheldon and adds in a low voice] Other than the whining, which was a touch grating!

Sheldon: [Whining] I know nothing!

Timothy: [To Shor] It sure does! [To Charlie] See? Sharing with ol' Timothy is gear, isn't it? Just make sure you don't stray too far from the room, you don't want to be caught outside when the fifth siren goes off. Not unless you want to turn out like ol' Noel here. Last from Conor #81

Austin: How many sirens are there? rest

;;;; 'Current scene is down on the web site :) Last from Dom #82 Timothy

Sheldon: I don't know!

Timothy: Five.

;;; Yep -- in the middle of a server change, back up tomorrow afternoon! Last from Conor #83

Clint: I still think we need to find out what's going on during the lock down. We just have to not get caught! Last from tom # 84

Shor: How? Hide under chairs and sofas and, and... zimmer frames and move around the prison? around the prison?

Charlie: It is rather intriguing, and one wonders if these lockdowns hide another purpose. Perhaps we could volunteer to monitor and police the lockdowns? Last from Heather #86

Austin: Or inspect the monitoring and policing? I guess they must do rest some already? Last from Dom #87

Timothy: Due! They totally do! They're always out until the last siren, and the doors lock on the second last one.

Alice: Can't we just unlock the door?

Timothy: No way, hose. They lock automatically. It would take some sort of genius to unlock it. [Turns to Sheldon] And look what happened to him. Last from Conor # 88

Shor: Why don't we try, anyway. Anyone here good at lock picking? Last from Colin #89

Timothy: The lock's on the outside! Look.

[He's right. Although the locking mechanism is inside the door and connects into a small cavity in the door frame, there is no access from inside the room when the door is closed. Now that the door is open the party can see the mechanism and that there is access from outside.]

Alice: How do they lock all the doors? Does some lackey have to do it?

Timothy: No, there's some automatic thing that pushes a bolt from the door frame into the door.

Charlie: [To Timothy] And do you know where this [finger quotes] thing might be found? Last from Heather # 91

Shor: A fine question, well asked! Is there a control room, or a security room somewhere? Last from Colin # 92

Austin: We were in one earlier, Goldilocks. [Casually checks his nails] rest Last from Dom #93 security

Timothy: Uh.. yeah, there is. There was some due in here earlier saying that he had been there with a few bears. [To Charlie] I don't know where it is, but you can be sure that it's well hidden if I don't know where it is. All I know is [points to the hole in the door frame] the door must be closed and then a bolt shoots from there into the door and we wait until we hear the all clear. Last from Conor #94

Dur: Then wouldn't we simply need to NOT close the door to keep it from locking? Last from Kevin #95

Austin: [To Charlie] Good thinking! We should simply block the bolt rest from sliding across Last from Dom #96

Clint: Or we could not be inside when the bolt engages. Is it really a good idea to let these two [nods at the party's roommates] roam free? Last from Tom #97

Timothy: Due! If you're not inside, they'll find you and throw you in the hole. That trick of blocking the lock might work if you found something soft you could mould into the gap.

Alice: Well, I do believe Clint has copious amounts of ear wax that would be ideal for moulding! Last from Conor #98

Clint: I'm willing to sacrifice for the good of the group, too! And if necessary, we can use other bodily excreta as well! Last from Tom #99

Alice: Right! Who's got the most slender and dainty fingers to extract the ear wax? [Looks around] Aus, I guess? Last from. Conor # 100

Shor: [Shudders] I'm sure I have some super luxurious hair stay styled wax, here somewhere. If the whole disgusting ear wax thing doesn't work out. the wax, here somewhere. If the whole disgusting ear wax thing doesn't work out.

Charlie: [To Shor] Oh, no! A most noble offer, but we could not ask such a sacrifice! [To Austin, nodding toward Clint] Mr. Sleaze? Are those nimble and elegant fingers of yours quite ready? Last from Heather #102

Austin: [Withering looks at Charlie. To Shor] The ear wax did not rest work out. May I borrow your styling wax? Last from Dom #103

Alice: [Disappointed] That's much less fun... but far less dangerous, too! Last from Conor #104

Austin: [To Alice] You are most welcome to try the ear wax approach rest if you wish, but I shall have no further involvement if you do. Further to this, your medical expenses will not be covered by your insurance policy. Last from Dom #105

Alice: [Sulkily] It's way more funny when someone else has to touch the disgusting ear wax. Last from Conor # 106

Shor: [Checks in his bag] What the? I've my moose, my spray, my serum, my shampoos, my various conditioners, my curlers, my straighteners, my strengthener and my make shinier. But no wax! [Paniky] No wax! shampoos, my various conditioners, my curlers, my straighteners, my strengthener and my make shinier. But no wax! [Paniky] No wax!

Charlie: [Dismayed] Surely one of you [looks at Alice and Austin] has some overpriced hair or [wrinkles her nose] hair-removal wax that could be used? Last from Heather #108

Austin: [Produces a bottle of goldyluscious-ultra-uber-d'Or hair wax] I rest found this lying around earlier. Last from Dom #109

Alice: Well, I suppose if it is as thick as ear wax, it'll probably do! Last from Conor #110

Austin: [Reading the label] It meets safety standards for a crash rest helmet. It should be okay. [Applies this to the bolt hole] Last from dom # 111

Shor: I heard the primary ingredient in that wax is elephants, er, um... Last from Colin # 112

Austin: [Mildly surprised] Oh, I suppose that's why you smell a rest little odd. [Turns back to packing wax into the bolt hole. Deadpan] This is fun! Last from Colin #112

Clint: [Oddly pleased. ] There's justice in the universe after all! Last from Tom #113

Alice: [Watching Austin expertly lube up the hole, before glancing back to Clint] Yeesh, you're kind of enjoying that a bit too much, Clint! Last from Conor # 114

Shor: [Laughs loudly] Goodness me, that's not the wax I use! That stuff can melt through a scalp quicker than a hot sword through a butler! can melt through a scalp quicker than a hot sword through a butler!

Charlie: [To Shor, interested] Oh? How many butlers died as you conducted that study? Last from Heather #116

Shor: Inconclusive. I kept burning my hand on the hilt!

Charlie: [Whips out a notebook and starts sketching] Oh, what an interesting problem! Perhaps we could fashion some sort of hand-shaped insulation to protect your hand from the heat? [Shows a crude drawing of a bulky mitten] Last from Heather #118

Austin: [To Shor] Not yours? Ohh. Interesting. [Goes back to waxing the hole] rest

;;;aawa hame Last from Dom #119

Alice: [Peers at the glove] Wow! That's a great idea, Charlie! Why, I bet poor people who work in kitchens could use it to lift hot things out of ovens! [To Austin] That's the hot one, right? [To Charlie] We could charge a fortune for them, we're gonna be rich!

[Just as AUSTIN steps back, apparently satisfied with his wax job, another siren goes off.]

Timothy: Dues! There's another lockdown! Last from Conor # 120

Shor: This place is lock down obsessed! Well, let's see if this works.

Charlie: [To Shor, pleased] How marvelous! Finally, a more cost-effective way to avoid replacing servants maimed by handling hot skillets and baking dishes! [Watches the wax application with excitement] Is it working?! Last from Heather #122

Austin: [Stands back] See for yourself Sarge. rest Last from Dom #123

[A second siren goes off.]

Timothy: [Pushing the door closed] The door needs to be closed and it locks on the fourth siren. Are you sure you want to go out there? You know you're going to be caught, dues!

Charlie: Perhaps not! HARMA is rather ineffective! [To the party, preparing to exit] Shall we see what happens when lockdown occurs? Last from Heather #125

Alice: Nah, I bet there's nothing going on. [Peers out the door and staggers back in] Ow! Someone just punched me! Last from Conor # 126

Shor: That's disgraceful! The place isn't even on lock down! [Looks out the door] Last from Colin #127

[LINDA is standing outside and delivers a quick punch to SHOR.]

Linda: Get back in! Last from Colin #127

Clint: Let me guess... the lawyer's special friend? Last from Conor and Tom # 128

Linda: Get back in!

Shor: Ow! What was that for? There's not even a lock down, you mad creature! Last from Colin #129

Dur: That's actually good news! Maybe Austin can arrange a 'distraction' for her while the rest of us get a quick look around?
;;; Bank holiday here today -- back in business on *Wednesday*! On Fri, 1 Jun 2018 at 15:55, Day, Kevin R (Irving) USA wrote: Last from Kevin #130

Alice: Oh god, I think I'd prefer to get punched in the face than have to see that again!

Charlie: [To Alice] Agreed, but we would not be watching, but rather exploring the area! [Hesitates] Though separating from the group puts Mr. Sleaze in rather a vulnerable position if we are discovered, so that is not advisable! Last from Heather #132

Alice: I thought we used Clint's nose wax to gum up the door so that when it closed we could get out -- I mean, surely the whole point of the exercise was that we wouldn't have to witness Austin being in a vulnerable position! Last from Conor # 132

Shor: That was before we knew we had a nose punching guard outside the door! What if she's there the whole time the curfew is in place? Last from Conor # 134

Austin: Very well! [Straightens his cuffs] The things I do to save rest the world [Tries to go and have a rumble with Linda] Last from Dom #135

Alice: Oh god, this is going to be awful. I feel slightly nauseous.

[Pow! AUSTIN gets punched in the face as another siren blares out.]

Linda: Lockdown is about to start! Everyone must be in their quarters -- no exceptions! And I mean none! Last from Conor # 136

Shor: Doesn't that mean you should also be on your way to your room? No exceptions, remember! Last from Colin #137

Linda: Once I have the corridors cleared I will go to my room. There are no exceptions!

Charlie: Splendid, we shall go back to our quarters at once, and I assure you we will not retake the corridor once you are safely in your room! Last from Heather #139

Clint: Indeed! We're not remotely suspicious! Last from tom # 139

Shor: So true! If curiosity killed the cat, then we are the most alive cats in the world! Last from Colin # 140

Austin: Kittens, even! rest Last from Dom #141

Alice: No exceptions!

Linda: [Suspiciously] There had better not be! [Slams the door]

Alice: She's the perfect girl for you, Aus! Last from Conor #142

Austin: [Considers this] She might just be. [Nods] Low maintenance! rest Last from Dom #143

Alice: A bit punchier than what I'd expect, though!

[Another siren goes off and the party can hear the mechanism in the door lock.]
Last from Conor #144

Clint: Right. The lawyer's dream domestic abuser should be in her own room any moment, so shall we get to it? Last from tom # 145

Shor: Just incase Ms flying fist is still standing outside, perhaps one of the party without a broken nose can go first! Last from Colin # 146

Austin: Very well. Let's hope she's still there. [Tries to carefully rest open the door] Last from Dom #147

Alice: Pow! [Laughs as Austin jumps] Haw! That was hilarious! [Steps on a previously unnoticed rake and gets smacked in the face] Ow!

;;; End of scene, next one coming right up Last from me #4.148
[AUSTIN slowly opens the door to reveal that the corridor outside is completely empty.]

Timothy: Dues! Don't go out there! The final warning siren has already gone off! Last from Conor #1

Clint: That's kind of the point, due!

Charlie: Indeed, and [huge stagey emphasis] DUE be quiet, would you please?! Cower in the corner, quietly. Last from Heather #3

Timothy: Huh? Yeah, you're not using that word right. Last from Conor # 4

Shor: Hey, credit where its due, due, it was a good attempt! Last from Colin # 5

Austin: [To Shor] Due, do you have a crush on the Sarge? rest

Charlie: [To Austin] Just because a man admires clever word play does not make him besotted! Last from Heather #7

Austin: Clever word play! I doubt he can even spell that! rest Last from Dom #8

Alice: Oh, Aus! Haters gotta hate -- and that's spelled with an H and an 8! [Does a lame gang sign that looks like she's miming hanging up a phone] Last from Conor #9 Austin

: Whatevs, due! Ssssh! [Opens the door carefully and looks out] Last from Dom #10

[The corridor is still completely empty.]
Last from Conor # 11

Shor: [Claps Austin on the back] Ha, you're right! I spent my time as a child fighting, building musculature and learning the fine art of grooming! Now, out you go! Last from Colin # 11

Austin: [Slips back inside] After you! rest

Charlie: [Eagerly tries to exit] Oh, allow me! Last from Heather # 14

Shor: [Shakes his head] No sign of Miss flying fist, so our noses are safe! [Steps outside] Last from Colin #15

[SHOR and CHARLIE squeeze out the door together and into the hallway. There are ten doors on each side, each numbered, and there are stairs at either end of the corridor. All the doors look identical and are painted in the traditional HARMA grey.]

Alice: [Looks around] Man, this place is so boring I nearly fell asleep! Last from conor # 16

Shor: Two times ten doors, so many opportunities for adventure! Last from Colin # 17

Austin: Sssh! [Goes to the nearest door and check to see if it is unlocked] rest Last from dom # 18

Shor: That's the one we just came out of! Last from Colin # 19

Austin: They all look the same from this side! [Tries the next door] rest Last from Dom #20

Alice: Hey! Isn't THAT the one we just came out of?

[It is not, and it is locked.]
Last from Conor #21

Clint: Try the stairs. We can check what's through these doors later. Last from Tom #22

Alice: Isn't that the stairs we just came up? Last from Conor #23

Clint: On both sides?

;;; Before I forget, I'll be out tomorrow. Flying home.

Charlie: Perhaps we could mark the doors we've tried with a bit of chalk?

;;; Safe travels, Tom! Last from Heather #25

Alice: Who on earth is going to have chalk with them? [Spots Charlie's massive selection of colours and sizes] Huh, that's not a bad idea! chalk?

Charlie: [Hands Alice a huge piece of pink chalk] Here, mark the doors as we try them. [Scolding] And do NOT use this to write A+D=TLA over and over again, as you did with that library book I loaned you! Last from Heather #27 On Fri, 8 Jun 2018 at 11:38, Heather


Alice: [Looking back from a door on which she has already drawn a huge love heart with A+D > TLA] Huh? Last from Conor #28

Austin: [Looking at the drawing] Nice work. Who is D? Dur? rest Last from dom # 29

Shor: Ready your chalk, door opening is about to commence! [Tries to open a door] Last from Colin #30

Dur: Wait! I don't have any chalk! [It's clear from the chalky outline around his lips that Dur has eaten his]

;;; Sorry for being so quiet this weeks, I was "in the weeds" at work and things have finally settled back to normal. Last from Kevin 31 > from the chalky outline around his lips that Dur has eaten his
] Last from Kevin #31

Austin: I don't think you need any more. Too much antacid can be a rest bad thing. [To the party] Lets see if we can fine out what the hell is going on. Is there a window anywhere? Last from Conor #32

Austin: Not Alice and Deuce? So you don't like Deuce then? rest Last from Dom #33

Alice: [Draws another heart with the same letters] Of course, and this one stands for Alice and Deuce. I just want to give yourself and Dur a look in too. Who knows, Aus? It could be beautiful! Last from Conor # 34

Shor: The good doctor would certainly make a fine, fine catch for you! Last from Colin #35

Clint: [confused] Do we know a good doctor? Last from Tom #36

Alice: No, nor do we know a tolerable or even barely competent one. [Brightly] Still, maybe Dur will do instead? Last from Conor #37

Dur: [Crunching on a fresh piece of chalk and clearly not listening until the very end] What? I didn't DO anything! Last from Kevin #38

Austin: [Sighs. Hands Dur another piece of chalk] Let's try the stairs? rest Last from Dom #39

Alice: Up or down? The controls to the gate seemed to be on the lower level. Last from Conor # 40

Shor: Up will give our thighs some much needed exercise!

Charlie: [To Shor] Indeed, I can see the value in that [glances discreetly at Alice's thighs], but perhaps having access to the gate controls would be more instructive! Last from Colin # 41

Austin: More usefully, we might also be able to get onto the roof and rest see what is going on! Last from Heather #41 and Dom #42

Alice: Or, there may be no access to the roof given that they're in shut down and we'd have wasted all that time climbing stairs. Stairs, Austin, stairs! Last from Conor # 43

Shor: [Enthusiastically] Stairs, everyone stairs! However, we could go down, find the gate room locked and then have to go up to the very top! Even better! down, find the gate room locked and then have to go up to the very top! Even better!

Charlie: [Nods at Shor approvingly] A splendid plan! [To the party] Down the stairs, group! But pace yourselves, as we may immediately climb the stairs again when we reach the bottom! Last from Heather #45 the stairs, group! But pace yourselves, as we may immediately climb the stairs again when we reach the

Alice: [Grumbling as the party head downstairs] What happened to that little room that we used to get to our floor? This seems like a lot of hard work. Last from Conor #46

Dur: For once, Alice and I agree! Last from Kevin #47

Alice: And if that wasn't strange enough, doesn't it seem even weirder that HARMA seemed to be telling the truth about how everyone has to be behind closed doors during the lockdown? Lady from Conor #48

Clint: That depends on what they mean by "everyone," doesn't it? Last from Kevin #49

Shor: This just feels wrong, everyone hiding away during the lock down! [Turns to Clint] Would you like a hand with the stairs? We don't want you tripping and breaking something! Last from Colin #50

Austin: [Frowns] He is getting old, isn't he! rest Last from Dom #51

Alice: Sh! He'll hear you, Austin! [Thinks] Actually, he's so old, he probably won't! What I'm concerned about is what everyone is hiding from! Last from Conor #51

Austin: Me too! Let's go and find out [Waits for Alice to go first] rest Last from dom # 53

Austin: Me too! Let's go and find out [Waits for Alice to go first] rest

Shor: Allow me! [Will go first down the stairs] Last from Colin #54

[The party follow SHOR down to the next floor, which is virtually identical to the one they were on. Once again, all the doors are shut and the place is deathly quiet.]

Alice: Maybe they really are all behind closed doors? Imagine what we could do! [Writes "Joe Nunpar is a big poopy head" in chalk on the wall and steps back to admire her handiwork] Zing! Last from Conor # 55 virtually identical to the one they were on. Once again, all the doors are shut and the place is deathly quiet.] could do! [Writes "Joe Nunpar is a big poopy head" in chalk on the wall and steps back to admire her handiwork] Zing!

Shor: Let's move to the next floor, see if it's the same there. Last from Colin #56

Alice: Are we sure all these doors are locked too?

Charlie: Let's check! [Swiftly attempts to open the nearest door] Lasr from Heather # 58

Shor: [Sniggering, writes "Joe Nunpar has Bad Hair" in chalk on a door] Last from Colin #59

Alice: [Looks at Shor sympathetically] Tsk! [Crosses out "Hair" and writes "hare"]

[CHARLIE tries the door and it is definitely locked solid, as are other nearby ones.]
Last from Conor #60

Austin: Does anyone have some powerful glue? [Looks through his satchel] rest Last from Dom #61

Alice: We did, but Dur ate it.

;;; Alas no one has any powerful glue!!

Charlie: [To Austin] What is your plan? Perhaps we can improvise some glue-like substance using materials we have! Last from Conor #62

Austin: [Looks over Dur as if doing some cost-benefit risk analysis] rest Shame [Looks to see if there are other ways to jam the doors shut] Last from Heather and Dom #63

Alice: Do we really have the time to be messing around trying to come up with some crazy concoctions for Dur to eat?

[The doors are completely smooth and seem to be tamper proof from this side.]
Last from Conor #64

Austin: [To Alice] I don't know, do we have time, what does your rest schedule say? [Checks his nails idly] I was thinking about jamming the doors shut, not feeding the Dur. Last from Conor #65

Dur: Perhaps we should keep looking? Maybe for something out of the ordinary? Last from Kevin #66

Austin: Only if you promise not to eat it! Promise! rest Last from Dom #67

Clint: Unless it's a HARMA thug, of course.

;;; Dealing with a major computer failure at home. Kept me a bit busy! Last from Tom #68

Alice: Let's not get distracted by coming up with disgusting things for Dur to eat -- we should keep going down. Last from Conor # 69

Shor: [Heads towards the stairs] Onwards and downwards!

Charlie: Yes, and perhaps we should refrain from trying doors until we reach the bottom. Let us make the most of this brief time to investigate! Last from Heather #71

[The party continue on down until they reach what appears to be the lowest level. Somehow this looks even more stark and bland that the other levels, but is more spacious and contain four large metal doors.]
Last from Conor #72

Austin: [tries the nearest door to see if it is unlocked ] Sssssh! rest

Charlie: [Watches to see if the door opens with excitement. Whispering] Oh, how thrilling! Last from Heather #74

Alice: Oh please, it's just a god damned waste of time! It's clearly going to be lo-

[The door gives an audible CLICK. It is definitely unlocked.]
Last from Conor # 75

Shor: [Disappointed] We should still walk up to the top though, after this! Last from Colin #76

Shor: [Disappointed] We should still walk up to the top though, after this! 

Dur: I have a better idea! How about YOU walk up to the top 6 times, once for each of us! Last from Kevin # 77

Shor: [Delighted] Sound medical advice good doctor! [Begins to head out the door up the stairs] Last from Colin #78

Clint: Let's just see what's through this unlocked door first! [Peeks through the door. ] Last from Tom #81

[Inside is what appears to be a tiny room, less than a foot deep but twenty feet wide, with solid concrete walls. It is completely empty.]

Alice: [Touches the wall] Huh, this is strange. Doesn't it look a slightly different colour to the other walls?

;;; It does, and looks as though this is a newer wall Last from Conor # 80

Shor: [Jogs back into the corridor] Six! [Poles at the wall to see if it's real concrete] it's real concrete]

Charlie: [Watching Shor with interest] How does it feel? [To Austin, excited] Any sign of a secret passage or hidden door? Last from Heather #82

[SHOR taps the wall and it is clearly rock solid.]

Alice: If there are any ways through it, they are very well hidden. This thing is smoother than Austin is after a full crack 'n sack! Last from Conor #83

Austin: [Tsks] I never do anything in half measures. Everything rest except my eye brows, lashes and the hair on my head, thank you very much! [Examines the wall for secrets] Last from Dom #84

[After much oohing and aahing, AUSTIN seems convinced that there is nothing hidden in the wall.]
Last from Conor #85

Austin: Nope, it's just a wall. rest

Charlie: Perhaps we should investigate the other rooms? Last from Dom 86

Alice: Why on earth would they put a wall here? What kind of room is this? Last from Conor # 87

Shor: They would certainly need to be selective of their furniture choices! Last from Colin #88

Clint: We'll need a sledgehammer or something to find out what's on the other side of that wall, though. Maybe we should try the next room while there's time? Last from Tom #89

Alice: It certainly looks like the sort of place that would have a sledgehammer! Last from Conor #90

Clint: [Goes to try the next door. ] Last from Tom #91

[Just as CLINT approaches the door it starts to open.]

Alice: Uh oh! I though they were supposed to be in lockdown? Or shut down? Or shut up? Or lock up? Or whatever the hell it's called! Last from COnor #92

Austin: Lock-down. Probably some unicorn fetish thing. It is them who rest should be locked up! Last from Dom #93

Alice: They should be locked up, they should!

[The door swings open to reveal JESSIE CRAVEN, a man wearing a radiation suit.]

Alice: Uh oh! That can't be good!

Jessie Craven Last from Conor # 94

Shor: No, no it can't. Last from Colin #95

Jessie: What are you doing out of your quarters? Last from Conor #96

Austin: We are the special investigations team, and we are rest investigating, specially.

Charlie: [Briskly] Indeed! [To Jessie, all business] How goes YOUR work? Last from Heather 98

Charlie: [Briskly] Indeed! [To Jessie, all business] How goes YOUR work?

Jessie: You can=E2=80=99t be here! They=E2=80=99re about to perform a vapor= ization! Last from Conor # 99 rization!

Shor: What, you mean the smoke things that people use instead of cigarettes? Last from Colin #100

Clint: Well, let's go where we can observe the fallout in safety! Last from Tom 101

Clint: Well, let's go where we can observe the fallout in safety!

Jessie: You gotta get back to your quarters! There=E2=80=99s nowhere safe d= own here, not since they concreted over the gate controls. Last from Conor # 102 down

Shor: Why would they do such a thing? Last from Conor #102

Dur: But YOU'RE out here? Last from Colin and Kevin #103

Jessie: I am, but I'm wearing a lead suit, and even still there's guarantee that my testicles will still work. [To Shor] To prevent anyone from opening it, of course! No one and nothing gets into Queens View, but no one and nothing gets out, either.
;;; Just arrived in the US, literally, which is 8:20AM Irish time the day
;;; after we left!
;;; We might wait until Wednesday to resume posting! On Fri, 15 Jun 2018 at 11:24, Conor Ryan

wrote: Last from me #104

Alice: So we're stuck here? Trapped in a hellish prison for the rest of our lives with a bunch of awful HARMA people?

Jessie: That's kind of a glass half empty way of looking at it.

Alice: What's a more positive way of looking at it?

[JESSIE thinks for a moment.]

Jessie: At least your testicles won't shrivel up! Last from Conor #105

Austin: So what are you making in there [Tries to look into the room] rest Last from Dom #106

Jessie: [Blocking the door] We're extending an event horizon, that's why you need to get back to your quarters. You've probably got 30 seconds.

Charlie: Interesting! And what hard evidence have you that all of these dreadful things will happen if you do not wear a suit or shelter in quarters? I should like to verify it independently! Last from Heather #108

Jessie: [Shrugs] Just wait 25 seconds and you'll see it first hand. I guess you guys don't value your testicles all that much. dreadful things will happen if you do not wear a suit or shelter in quarters? I should like to verify it independently!

Charlie: Ah, but what happens to those without testicles? [Gestures to herself, Alice and Dur] Last from Conor # 109

Shor: You do seem quite testicle obsessed! Be that as it may, we don't have time to get back to our room. Last from Heather and Colin #110

Jessie: Well then. I suppose you better say your goodbyes! [To Charlie] Mainly hair loss and uncontrollable flatulence. [Checks his watch] Ten seconds. If you are super fit and fast runners, you might be able to outpace the horizon. Last from Conor #111

Dur: [Panicking] Perhaps we should listen to them! Last from Kevin #112

[A huge HUMMING sound comes from the room that JESSIE stepped out of.]

Jessie: That's the Destabiliser. You've got five seconds. Last from Conor #113

Dur: [Finally breaking under the pressure] Noooooo! Our testicals! [Runs for the exit] Last fro. Kevin # 114

Shor: Good suggestion doctor!! Let's run to the next floor! Last from Colin #115

Alice: Oh please! How do we know he's telling the truth?

[An eerie green light comes from the room behind JESSIE, and starts to slowly, ominously move out. It engulfs JESSIE and moves towards the party.]

Alice: Our hair! [Runs up the stairs after Dur and Shor] Last from Conor #116

Clint: Our dignity! [Follows] Last from Tom #117

Austin: [Pales] What a vile shade of green! rest Last from dom # 118

Shor: Run run run doctor! The very life of our follicles depends on it! Last from Colin #119

Alice: No Shor, someone with hair as lifeless as his won't feel any sense of urgency about a warning like that -- Dur, quickly, if the green light engulfs us your sandwich will be inedible. Even for you!

[The party keep running, but the light appears to be about to engulf the slowest, least fit member of the party, who's sweating like a balloon at a knife- and cigarette-themed children's party.]

;;; Oh please, like you guys didn't have those parties when you were kids!

Alice: [Panting] Oh man! It's about to catch me! Last from Conor # 120

Shor: [Will attempt to grab Alice and carry/pull her along]

Charlie: Hurry, Alice! [Excited] And if you do not make it, would you be willing to participate in my study to prove the impact of this looming event?! Last from Heather #122

Alice: Oh god no! [Suddenly picks up pace and passes Shor and Clint.]

[The green light envelopes CLINT and he immediately collapses on the spot.]

Alice: Stinky! Last from Conor #123

Austin: [Running as fast as he can] Have they really made something rest stinkier than Mr Scar! Last from dom # 124

Shor: No man gets left behind, even one as old, weak and smelly as Mr Scar! [Will try to help Clint] Last from Colin #125

Alice: We're all gonna get greened!

[SHOR can only help CLINT by going into the light, which is fast approaching the party.]

Alice: Stay away from the light, Shor! Last from Conor # 126

Shor: You're right, it is too late for him! Looks like one man does get left behind!!! Run! Last from Colin #127

Dur: Cowards… I mean “Doctors” first! left behind!!! Run!

Charlie: [Aghast, looking back at Clint in horror] Mr. Scar! [Wails] I did not have a chance to ask him if he would consent to participating in my study! Last from Heather #129

Austin: [Checking some legal notes whilst running] On behalf of Mr rest Scar, I can confirm Mr Scar's willingness to consent to your study. Quoting dom


;;; Hey! I think poor old Clint's body is being donated to science already,
;;; just so they can finally answer the important question of what the hell is that smell! Last from Tom #130

Alice: Hey! I think I just had a great idea! Why don't we -

[The light envelopes the party and everyone falls down unconscious.]

;;; End of scene, next one coming up on TUESDAY -- going on a short
;;; trip, but that's the last disruption for the summer
;;; No one will ever know!